How to “initiate”

[Biscuitsneaker]

So after a lengthy talk about our lack of connection and intimacy we have came to the conclusion that I don’t initiate enough. This was enlightening! Basically as a man I am too afraid to try and start things and she doesn’t feel desired in that way enough. She hates me asking outright and it’s a big turn off so I am looking for tips on ways to initiate sex without directly asking for sex.
Please note we have two young kids and our evenings aren’t our own until 8:30 at least. The kids are up before us in the morning and the few times we have alone time during the day is a big no no from her. We have almost zero support network and the kids never sleep out.

Thanks for the interesting reply!
I don’t think that’s the approach she is looking for, she needs to be in the headspace to want it. I don’t think she is a massively sexual person and doesn’t have any burning passion that I need to address.
The going down on her has been off the table for a long time. Her request not mine!

Maybe just don't think about it she may be going through a dry spell as a woman with kids and no one to palm them off too I'm constantly mom why don't you take the kids out to the park or a walk to take the pressure of her a bit it is easter holidays so it is full on that way she will be able to have a nice bath and maybe feel a bit fresher and sexier I am a full time mom and just having that bit of breathing space after a dry spell a bit of tlc for myself and to feel like a actual person other than just a mom does make me want to release my needs.

This…. It sounds a bit like Kevin from motherland sadly …

Yes I see the problem.
How about if you focus more on your own sexual feelings and then act on them? Not with children present of course, but if you’re in the living room together or getting ready for bed and you notice what gorgeous legs she has, say You have gorgeous legs, and if you want to run your hands over them, go ahead?
The initiating needs to come from you feeling turned on by her.

I was in the position of your wife. Partner of 12 years and I just stopped finding his ways of initiating attractive. If there was any fixed eye contact and that beaming 'you know what I want without saying it' smile, it would really turn me right off.

What I wanted was for him to be sexually confident in himself - not fawning over me.

A previous poster mentioned wanting to be confidently approached for sex but no big deal made if it didn't happen. Just a confident 'damn girl, I'll get you next time' attitude would have gone down better than the 'oh but what am I doing wrong' sad kind of response - that just really, really, really put me off.

We eventually split and I found a guy who was so overtly sexually confident it made me feel alive. He would literally put on his sexy silver boxer shorts (in a joking tongue in cheek way 😆) and walk into the living room and say 'I'm ready baby'.
It made me laugh. Sex was all very light hearted and a lot of fun.

The relationship only lasted 3 years for other reason but the sexual attitude he had was bang on the money for me.

@Biscuitsneaker I think you should try the dominant approach and see what happens. Nothing to lose and you've tried everything else.

What kind of sex do YOU want? Slow more passive love making? Passionate sex? More dominant rough sex?

It's all about her and if when you have sex it's rigid formal sex with set rules when you do have it then you must feel somewhat sexually repressed? But probably are so desperate for affection you'll take any scrap of intimacy even if it's far away from what you really desire.

I say this because the reality is, this will probably be your life if she doesn't put in the effort to meet you half way. Your young and you'll basically be resigning yourself to a life close to celibacy with the odd scrap of rigid sex forever. That's a massive thing to miss out on, never having exciting and enjoyable sexual experiences. Never being able to try new things. Its a lot to sacrifice as a young man in his prime. You won't get these years back.

Your responses on this thread are really interesting.

You sound really balanced and reasonable, you’ve responded really politely to everyone’s queries about split of chores/showing she’s loved etc. But despite quite a lot of suggestions of ways to initiate from quite a lot of different people, you haven’t responded to any of them positively.

So, I’m wondering whether actually there is something in you which is making you find initiating tricky that perhaps you need to reflect on first? Thinking about previous relationships, have you ever been the one to initiate? Or earlier in your relationship? If not I wonder whether you need to try a couple of these suggestions and see what happens rather than assuming they won’t work.

Or whether you’re actually asking the wrong question and that the relationship is so far away from sexual that you actually need to be focused on how do I initiate a snog? How do I initiate a cuddle in bed? And then wonder about sex in three or six months time once those physical intimacies are reestablished?

As a newly single and divorced woman, come to me OP!

He absolutely does have something to lose if he crosses the line in terms of consent.

Taking the "dominant" role should be properly discussed and within agreed parameters. He's already said its not the sort of thing she's into.

Thanks. I fully agree that maybe I could be more dominant but some of the ideas given might come across the wrong way and since we have a base of trust and mutual respect I don’t want her ending up fearing me.

I have mentioned that I was a late bloomer and had very little experience before her. I was brought up in a matriarchal household with little to no male role models until my mid teens. Even thought I am in a typical male dominated skills based career and fit the bill in terms of a blue collar man I have always tended to out females on a pedestal.
Ultimately I want her to want to have sex with me not just let me have sex with her.
The main practical responses I have been getting have been to be more dominant and to start up physical affection more.
I am planning to propose we cuddle and kiss more often without the pressure of it leading to anything and if the time feels right try a more dominant stance.

Thanks! Best of luck getting back on the horse!

I'm so confused! How can she not be able to tell you what turns her on? Her likes/dislikes? How can you play your part in improving things when you have nothing to go off except for the fact she doesn't like the direct approach?

I've been with my DH for 30 years and he knows me inside out (pardon the pun) I am not overkeen on the words "fancy a shag?" And similar words. Years ago, I told him that! So we now have a code word/phrase which in itself is nothing to do with sex but to us, it means "it's on the table" tonight if you feel like it?

I also love a particular aftershave that he wears and a while ago, I told him that when he wears it, it's a real turn on. So now, because we have had that conversation, he will sometimes put that aftershave on, signalling to me that he's in the mood.

Those two examples are an indirect way of letting her know but you need to have that conversation first. But I do agree with PP that it feels like she's setting you up to "fail"

Honestly
She's got " the ick"
Women just get bored by their partners and the constant someone needing yet another bloody thing.
A man running me a bath , lighting candles whilst eyeing me up like a randy Jack Russell would be an instant no.

That’s an extreme response. Sounds like you’ve been burnt in the past!

Thanks and I know being needy is a real turn off! I have really worked on that and I get that desperate attempts at service aren’t going to win her over.
Tom be clear me asking in way even with codes or similar will result in snorting and eye rolling.

No it's just very transactional
Being pampered just because he fancies a shag
Umm no

I do see where you are coming from there and my wife has made the point that it’s unfair just to expect sex because it’s my birthday, anniversary or Valentine’s Day etc. it’s a nice way to celebrate and come together (no pun intended) but doing it just because or I have made an effort to out the bins out, do some hoovering and ran a bath is very transactional. I get it needs to be part of the day to day relationship and she should never feel pressure to do it for whatever reason. Like I said before I need her to want to do it not to just allow me to do it.

Tom be clear me asking in way even with codes or similar will result in snorting and eye rolling

Oh dear
That sounds like contempt/ derision
I would suggest marriage counselling

Perhaps you could start relationship therapy on your own. Then it's up to her if she wants to engage with it. Sounds like you've done what you can and the ball is in her court now.

I would be looking to leave this relationship by the way. She doesn't seem to love you, she doesn't even tolerate you, she seems disrespectful and rude. You can do better. It's not a good example to give to your children of what a romantic partnership or loving relationship looks like. I do wonder what your own parents were like?

My parents didn’t have a good relationship TBH, my father had an affair for several years, was very distant and finally left.
I am scared for the example we are setting the kids but coming from a broken home I also know the issues kids suffer when kids separate.

Thanks I think it’s more “oh he’s doing this again doesn’t he not know I don’t want it”
I don’t think she knows who she is herself or what she wants but since she doesn’t want it 99% of the time she doesn’t understand that I do. I don’t think she has any clear understanding of sex drive or certainly not my sex drive and I don’t think I’m abnormal. Twice a week would be great, twice a month would be fine and even twice a year would be adequate compared to nothing.

I've only read some posts but it sounds like you are a 'nice guy' and she is getting a bit fed up. Sorry if you have already answered this but- what would happen if you approached her and just physically seduced her like you hadn't seen each other in ages and were absolutely gagging for it? Just total rugged passion. Is that what she is trying to imply she wants from you?

I think if she wasn’t in a receptive head space for it this would be a disaster. I think she has issues switching off and relaxing into it at the best of times, it might be a no or even cause an argument. I am able to show her passion but she’s not always receptive to it!

Do you ever get the feeling she isnt attracted to you, isnt turned on by you? Are you putting effort into your appearance etc?