How to “initiate”

[Biscuitsneaker]

So after a lengthy talk about our lack of connection and intimacy we have came to the conclusion that I don’t initiate enough. This was enlightening! Basically as a man I am too afraid to try and start things and she doesn’t feel desired in that way enough. She hates me asking outright and it’s a big turn off so I am looking for tips on ways to initiate sex without directly asking for sex.
Please note we have two young kids and our evenings aren’t our own until 8:30 at least. The kids are up before us in the morning and the few times we have alone time during the day is a big no no from her. We have almost zero support network and the kids never sleep out.

It really does sound like hard work! My husband just slides his hand over to my side of the bed and things go from there! I don't really feel the need for a load of bullshit beforehand to 'get me in the mood' he's my husband i love him i still think he's hot, why wouldn't I want to have sex with him. Having kids and being up early is not really an issue imo, we have 5 kids 3 under are 10, we are up by 6am every day we still find time.

I think this really highlights how love languages are so different. This kind of thing certainly can be what loving means for some people. I'd feel a lot more loved and appreciated if DH did that without being prompted (the only time he's ever run me a bath was when I asked him to during labour)!

Having said that, I wouldn't want running me a bath to have strings attached (I understand what you mean by leery/transparent, if the only purpose of such a gesture is sex)... but regular unconditional "acts of love" would certainly make me feel more in the mood and up for sex in general if/when there's a hint of it being initiated.

I'm surprised that you've ever had sex with eachother under these circumstances quite frankly.
Expecting you to just know what would work to get her in the mood when she won't tell you is ridiculous. For me, it would kill any desire to try.
As PP have said, better communication is key.

Sorry I was a late bloomer and didn’t have much experience. This is a known phenomenon. It might be weird but I was just hoping for ideas on how to gently work towards it. I obviously know the nuts and bolts of the situation.

I don’t know if she knows or has ever been very sex positive. She wants to be loved and sees sex as a part of that but making the connection is hard.

I do think I have the second part of your comment covered and not in a leading to sex kind of way as you say. I don’t think I understand her live language or know what makes her tick to get her hot under the collar

I wish it was that simple!

She admitted she would like too but hasn’t gave any clue as to how much and just assumed I wasn’t interested. I don’t think she understands what or how much I want. I did try to have a talk where I explained my ideal frequency and that just scared her. I just want to meet in the middle somewhere. Maybe not several times a week but more than several times a decade.

That text idea would be a big NO from her! I agree it doesn’t feel like it should be this difficult. Surely if two loving adults are in close quarters, sharing a life and a bed then it maybe should come naturally. Maybe something else is lacking

How does she initiate it with you? Can you observe what she does and subtly copy that - she might not be aware of what she's doing, so can't articulate it.

I'd suggest just give her a cuddle and a kiss in bed (or wherever!) then turn it into a snog, move on to doing something else gentle that she likes eg kissing her neck, if she's responsive then ramp it up from there. She can let you know if she's not interested by going "that was nice, night night then!" Or something after the snog. That's what DP does anyway, just sort of gently starts things (without going straight for groping intimate areas!).

This 👏

My DH runs me a bath every night because he knows I love a bath. He doesn’t run the bath to have sex. I think you explained it far better than I did! What I was trying to get at is that if you don’t do the smaller things, then maybe sex feels more like a big deal.

It sounds like a deeper conversation over a bottle of wine is needed. In long term relationships, priorities change and you do need to work a bit harder to make sex higher up on the priority list. A discussion with no blame would do wonders 🤞🏻

There's a book called "Come as You Are" Emily Nagoski that may be helpful.

Can you go back to her and gently ask for at least one example of something you do that she likes? And then do that as a start to encourage a positive loop of communication? As others have said here, it is going to be very difficult if she isn't open to talking about it at all. No one is a mind reader and a successful long-term sex life is going to be based on communication rather then guesswork, and preferences are so varied and personal.

That’s a shame because with young kids it seems to be the easiest way for us. My DH just asks if I want a “movie night.”

We don’t watch movies in bed 😂.

I don’t mind the direct approach but I have a high sex drive, so I guess that’s probably why.

So when you’re in bed. Start with a cuddle, then kiss her. Kiss her again. Make your kisses a bit more passionate. If she’s responding then start touching her. If she feels desired she’ll respond. Some nights just pleasure each other.

Kiss her, heat it up with more passionate kissing, go from there. Don't overthink it!

Ironically many sex therapists will actually ask you to take sex off the table completely and work on all other aspects. Building up on things like kissing massage hand holding body touches without any expectation of sex. Alongside building true intimate conversation. Doing new things together. So much of it starts outside of the bedroom that lots of couples find the bedroom intimacy happens very organically.

You mentioned she said you're lacking connection and intimacy. What did she actually say about this? Is she looking for hot passionate sex or is she saying she wants to feel connected and intimate way before even entering the bedroom. Sex usually happens very naturally when you're feeling intimate and connected.

Is she possible absolutely exhausted and the thought of having sex just mean losing out on more sleep. Telling you how to initiate might just feel like another job for her to do.

Are you really confident you're understanding your wife?

If you ask her questions such as do you feel I understand you and your life? Would she say absolutely yes?

The last time she just said out of the blue “it’s been a while do you want to?”

Thanks but I certainly do the small things!

Yes I think she would now say that I fully understand her and her struggles. I really try to know her and help her. I think she maybe knows it’s wrong we don’t but maybe she doesn’t want to and just feels guilty and embarrassed that we don’t have that connection.

This.

She’s being evasive and unfair. Stringing you along and putting all the onus upon you. None of this bodes well for the relationship.

Harsh 😂

Do you feel that maybe it's become the elephant in the room and too overwhelming or awkward to start if it's been a while then? Because if that's the case you will really need to come up with a plan together and both be on the same page. Neither of you can expect the other one to suddenly make its the most prefect environment for it. you need to be able to laugh and get through that potential awkward start together.

It sounds like your communication is shocking, if you're married with 2 kids but you don't know how to initiate sex and she says she 'doesn't know' how she wants you to initiate sex.

Maybe it's just that I'm very, very open and know exactly what I want, but I don't understand how someone can 'not know' how they like sex to be initiated.

Wow. My husband does lots of big gestures ... not for sexual reasons!