I think I'm in an endless loop with DH

[Iamlosingmymind876]

I am ashamed to be writing this. I am scared. Please be kind.

My DH has a habit of ringing or messaging me while I am out without the kids. The kids are with him and he messages or rings to 'vent'. He says it's a nightmare or difficult and can I come back or hurry up.

The worst time was when I was in hospital in Majors, really poorly and he spent the whole time complaining they weren't sleeping. They were a nightmare. It is so hard etc etc
I'm embarrassed to say I actually offered to lie so I could discharge myself to go help him. I was worried. I did stay in hospital, I had to. But the stress of knowing he was struggling and if he was irritated etc etc and I was helpless in hospital was something I can't forget. I traveled to London to see friends and he called me and I had to get an early train home. It's just ridiculous.

I have spoken to him about this. Many many times. He says he will stop, that he's just venting. He gets emotional and says he's sorry he's a bad dad etc. I feel guilty and the cycle continues.
Although, it did stop for a while. Things were good but today I went out with a friend I hadn't seen in years, I was so excited and then he calls me while I'm on the way and tells me he's stressed, irritable, struggling. I came home early.
Should I have just left him to it? Maybe I shouldn't have come back early. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I am just so so sad. I'm heartbroken. I feel stuck in a loop.

Because he is a good dad. He does gardening with them, he hugs them and cares for them and does homework etc etc
He just gets very overwhelmed when he has them on his own and that leads to irritability. And no patience. Do you think a parenting course will help? A book? Therapy?

Honestly, I told myself I'd leave if he called me again while I was out. It's gotten bad. Sometimes I can't go to the opticians on my own without him ringing or texting me and some horrible things have been said. And even if he doesn't ring or message I am left anxious and worried just sort of waiting for it.

But I forgive him because I know how it feels to find things difficult. To feel like you're not coping.

The thing is, I love him. The kids love him.

I feel like I'm in a nightmare. Because it's not that he's ALWAYS like this...it's just sometimes but the times he is are very stressful.

He is out later and I do plan on speaking to him when he's back.

Any words of wisdom or advice are appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

What are you scared of?

Just don't answer. He's an adult and a parent.

He’s controlling. My ex used to do this and continued once we’d split up, but I could ignore it then and I did!
my dd learnt it off him and we went through a period where she wouldn’t stop even when I was at work, I had to go cold turkey with her but she did stop. I’m afraid you need to tell him straight or stop answering his calls

Stop going back early. Tell him you have confidence in him, you know he's capable, and stay out. Everyone can have times when they're irritated or finding things tough but you learn to cope by... coping. Not constantly being rescued by someone. He needs to be more resilient and you should stop pandering to his demands because it's maintaining his behaviour. And it must be incredibly annoying

He doesn’t sound like a good dad, or a good husband frankly. You were going to leave hospital because he couldn’t cope with being a parent? That’s not a good dad. “I’m sorry I’m a bad dad” - this is him trying to make you feel so guilty you brought it up, that you don’t ever mention it again. How old are your DC?

Agree with this.

Turn off your 'phone when you are out.

Oh so he's out, is he? He's allowed to do that without you ruining everything for him. How would he feel if you called him every time he went out to guilt trip him into returning?

Leave your phone at home if possible? Or tell him to call his own mother for help!

It is a form of control, not allowing you any time to yourself. He absolutely does need to grow up.

My exP used to do this. I didn’t realise how controlling and abusive it was until we split up.

I'd explain that dealing with the DC improves with practice. Each time he calls you is an admission he needs more practice and an additional hour or two he'll have to spend alone with them the following week until he feels able to manage them without calling you. I imagine it will be amazing how quickly he stops calling after that.....

It's not annoying, it's extremely stressful.
We parent differently when stressed and my concern is a negative impact on the DC so I come back.

Ring him up every five minutes while he’s out.

He is NOT a good dad. DH is autistic (probably; DD is diagnosed) and sometimes struggles but never in a million years would he do this. He'd be pleased I was enjoying myself.

The hospital thing - words fail me.

What was your own upbringing like that he can guilt trip you like this?

I think you should consider some (individual) therapy and maybe do the Freedom Programme online.

Suppose you change your reaction and say “I’m not having this. Get your shit together.”

Then what might happen?

[please answer totally honestly]

Turn. Your. Phone . Off. This weird dynamic can’t go on. He’s an adult and needs to act like that. I see this dynamic a lot, learned helplessness from the man so the woman rushes back. It’s not okay. Please tell him he can manage

He just wants to ruin your nice times doing things for yourself. Even when you were ill in hospital? That beggars belief. He is training you to never go out and leave him with the kids - now you're so well trained that you are anticipating the call before it comes, and the sense of dread is ruining the experience. I can't believe you pander to this and go home early. STOP doing this; it is rewarding his bad behaviour.

It sounds to me as though he needs a lot more practice at having the kids by himself. You should go out a lot more and tell him he is not to ring you unless it's a genuine emergency. If he does ring and it's not an emergency, hang up. Do not answer the phone again. (He can text if it's a genuine emergency. ) You have to start showing him by your actions that it is unacceptable, because he isn't taking any notice of your words.

You need to stop enabling him and tell him he needs to wise up or ship out.

He just gets very overwhelmed when he has them on his own and that leads to irritability. And no patience. Do you think a parenting course will help? A book? Therapy?

Even here you are doing all the leg work. If he is struggling why can't he investigate these routes? Why is it your responsibility to deal with his weaponised incompetence.

You need to stop. You need to say, 'this is not my problem to resolve. You need to deal with it'.

You rocking up and sorting out the mess is definitely part of the problem. Stop it.

Is he going to hurt the kids?

Sounds like he is using an implicit threat (that he's going to lose his temper, something might happen to your children if you don't go home) to control your movements and ability to sustain friendships.

So you also are controlling.

Again. Stop it

How is her being frightened for her children in any way controlling?

Ignore this, OP. Your husband is controlling in this situation, not you.

Well he needs to be an adult and deal with the situation.

@Needlenardlenoo I had a difficult upbringing to say the least.

@Anothercoat I have said to him before it needs to stop. That it's upsetting for various reasons. That I feel I can't go out. He apologises, gets emotional etc It stops and starts again.

How old are the kids? Assuming pre-school, this might be a non-issue when they get a little bit older

Block him or turn phone off
He's doing it on purpose
Stop going back
If you think he'll shout at the kids or be negative then what's the logical end point - you stay at home forever ?!
No, obviously you'll think about splitting up

Time for threats that come with follow throughs and maybe he needs antidepressants or something
Otherwise separation if he can't give you time off! He'll have to have them on his own for whole weekends then!