I think I'm in an endless loop with DH

[Iamlosingmymind876]

I am ashamed to be writing this. I am scared. Please be kind.

My DH has a habit of ringing or messaging me while I am out without the kids. The kids are with him and he messages or rings to 'vent'. He says it's a nightmare or difficult and can I come back or hurry up.

The worst time was when I was in hospital in Majors, really poorly and he spent the whole time complaining they weren't sleeping. They were a nightmare. It is so hard etc etc
I'm embarrassed to say I actually offered to lie so I could discharge myself to go help him. I was worried. I did stay in hospital, I had to. But the stress of knowing he was struggling and if he was irritated etc etc and I was helpless in hospital was something I can't forget. I traveled to London to see friends and he called me and I had to get an early train home. It's just ridiculous.

I have spoken to him about this. Many many times. He says he will stop, that he's just venting. He gets emotional and says he's sorry he's a bad dad etc. I feel guilty and the cycle continues.
Although, it did stop for a while. Things were good but today I went out with a friend I hadn't seen in years, I was so excited and then he calls me while I'm on the way and tells me he's stressed, irritable, struggling. I came home early.
Should I have just left him to it? Maybe I shouldn't have come back early. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I am just so so sad. I'm heartbroken. I feel stuck in a loop.

Because he is a good dad. He does gardening with them, he hugs them and cares for them and does homework etc etc
He just gets very overwhelmed when he has them on his own and that leads to irritability. And no patience. Do you think a parenting course will help? A book? Therapy?

Honestly, I told myself I'd leave if he called me again while I was out. It's gotten bad. Sometimes I can't go to the opticians on my own without him ringing or texting me and some horrible things have been said. And even if he doesn't ring or message I am left anxious and worried just sort of waiting for it.

But I forgive him because I know how it feels to find things difficult. To feel like you're not coping.

The thing is, I love him. The kids love him.

I feel like I'm in a nightmare. Because it's not that he's ALWAYS like this...it's just sometimes but the times he is are very stressful.

He is out later and I do plan on speaking to him when he's back.

Any words of wisdom or advice are appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

I know this could sound like a real leap, but...any chance he's autistic?

Write him a little note. ‘I am going out. I am entitled to go out sometimes. If you keep contacting me to complain about our kids when I go out, you will be a single dad. I am not coming home early to take over parenting from you. I am so fucking sick of this. We are not going to talk about it again. I either get to go out sometimes or I get divorced. Your call.

You tell him to put the note somewhere near his phone and every time he goes to message you, look at it and decide if he only ever wants to see his kids again when he has some care of them.

Why are you with this useless person??

This is your only life. Are you really going to waste it catering to him?

What a shit controlling husband and shit dad

You seem worried that he might hurt the kids.

This is bad OP. He is not a good husband or a good dad, or a good person actually. He is manipulative and controlling and he is using your empathy against you. You have to stop this anyway you know how. You cannot and should not continue living like this. If I were you, I would just leave, but you could try to work it out, however, you have to put clear boundaries on and do not allow him to cross them. Remember boundaries are not suggestions or requests, they are clear rules that say "if you do this I will or will not do this" and then you do it. Good luck!

What so autistic people can’t parent on their own now?

Just put your phone on silent when you’re out. Sorted.

I would not be advising to "not answer the phone" or ignore him. He is an abusive, manipulative person - I can imagine him creating a situation where children are hurt to "prove the point" and blame the OP. For example, walking out and leaving them on their own in the house or outside.

I think this is the real reason OP is rushing home - he is probably saying "I cant take it anymore I left them alone downstairs, I'm in bed" - or similar stuff like that.

OP needs to save all these messages, keep a diary of his behaviour and divorce him/ go to court. He is a dangerous and nasty person who only cares about himself.

OP's literal second sentence "I am scared". No, she shouldn't be switching her phone off when she's out, don't you think she's thought of that already? She's scared for her children when they are alone with their father. It is no way to live. I would, as mentioned by a pp, speak secretly to Women's Aid and ask for their help.

Her H could be mentally unwell, but the fact that he doesn't appear willing or able to address his issues is a big red flag in itself.

If he struggles when he has the kids alone, then he needs more practice being alone with them. He needs to sit down ahead of time and think about what his triggers are, and how he wants to deal with them. He might still struggle to do that in the moment, but sitting down and actually planning how to react will at least give him a chance to react in a productive way.
He needs PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE.

The amount of men that accuse women of being 'too soft' while acting like shouting as a result of being unable to control their emotions is a 'parenting' decision is quite astounding.

There is no evidence here that you are 'too soft' just that you are able to master your own feelings better than young children, which is to be expected.

How old are your DC @Iamlosingmymind876 ?

He doesn't struggle with them when alone, he just doesn't like you going out without him.

From what OP has written, I'd say it's probably a leap in the wrong direction. The only indicator would be his difficulty in coping with unplanned changes, but there would be more signs than this.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment because they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

He's not a good dad.

This is textbook weaponised incompetence - "a form of passive-aggressive behavior where someone intentionally performs tasks poorly or claims to be incapable of doing them to avoid responsibility and force others to take over. This tactic is often used to shift the burden of work onto another person."

My friends ex-partner was/is exactly like this. If she ever went out with friends (maybe 2x a year) he would have to take their daughters to his mums for her to do the caregiving because it was "too hard" and he "didn't know what to do". They're now 10 and 6 and I'm pretty sure he's never spent more than two hours with them alone.

My friend eventually got fed up and left him as he was like this in other areas too - they both worked full time but he expected her to do the cooking, washing etc because he "didn't know" how to.

🙄No, not at all.

At no point did I say his behaviour is acceptable, it does, however, remind me of a family member who was undiagnosed with autism. Addressing the asd led to behavioural improvements.

If the op thinks that there is reason to suspect asd then it's worth exploring.

It is as regular on MN as night follows day.

Women being verbally, emotionally, sexually, and physically abused in awful relationships, but claiming their scum partners are "brilliant fathers".

Brilliant fathers do not abuse their children's mother's.
The end.

Yes he makes it confusing to addle your brain. It's deliberate - he's stopping you enjoying yourself isn't he. He really knows what he's doing.