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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I'm in an endless loop with DH

195 replies

Iamlosingmymind876 · 15/04/2025 17:38

I am ashamed to be writing this. I am scared. Please be kind.

My DH has a habit of ringing or messaging me while I am out without the kids. The kids are with him and he messages or rings to 'vent'. He says it's a nightmare or difficult and can I come back or hurry up.

The worst time was when I was in hospital in Majors, really poorly and he spent the whole time complaining they weren't sleeping. They were a nightmare. It is so hard etc etc
I'm embarrassed to say I actually offered to lie so I could discharge myself to go help him. I was worried. I did stay in hospital, I had to. But the stress of knowing he was struggling and if he was irritated etc etc and I was helpless in hospital was something I can't forget. I traveled to London to see friends and he called me and I had to get an early train home. It's just ridiculous.

I have spoken to him about this. Many many times. He says he will stop, that he's just venting. He gets emotional and says he's sorry he's a bad dad etc. I feel guilty and the cycle continues.
Although, it did stop for a while. Things were good but today I went out with a friend I hadn't seen in years, I was so excited and then he calls me while I'm on the way and tells me he's stressed, irritable, struggling. I came home early.
Should I have just left him to it? Maybe I shouldn't have come back early. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I am just so so sad. I'm heartbroken. I feel stuck in a loop.

Because he is a good dad. He does gardening with them, he hugs them and cares for them and does homework etc etc
He just gets very overwhelmed when he has them on his own and that leads to irritability. And no patience. Do you think a parenting course will help? A book? Therapy?

Honestly, I told myself I'd leave if he called me again while I was out. It's gotten bad. Sometimes I can't go to the opticians on my own without him ringing or texting me and some horrible things have been said. And even if he doesn't ring or message I am left anxious and worried just sort of waiting for it.

But I forgive him because I know how it feels to find things difficult. To feel like you're not coping.

The thing is, I love him. The kids love him.

I feel like I'm in a nightmare. Because it's not that he's ALWAYS like this...it's just sometimes but the times he is are very stressful.

He is out later and I do plan on speaking to him when he's back.

Any words of wisdom or advice are appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
localnotail · 15/04/2025 20:31

What are you afraid of, OP? That he will do something to your kids? Hurt them, leave them, stuff like that? What makes you run back?

He is NOT a good dad or good husband. Next time when you are out, hire a babysitter and tell your husband not to message you. He is a controlling dick. The only reason he is doing this is to stop you enjoying yourself.

AutumnFroglets · 15/04/2025 20:31

Iamlosingmymind876 · 15/04/2025 18:41

It's complicated because he can be good. And he can be not so good. It's not all the time, one or the other. So it's confusing.

He's abusing you. An abuser goes through a cycle of good and bad to keep you confused so you stay.

You are trapped with the children which leaves him free to go out whenever he wants. Open your eyes OP, you are living with a sly, manipulative, controlling man. He's already abusing the children to make you come home. Read that part again - he is abusing the children so he can control you.

Contact Women's Aid and ask for their advice.

gmgnts · 15/04/2025 20:33

Did you imply in one of your posts that he sometimes does this 'stressed out' phoning after as little as half an hour? That's really shocking. Even if your two little ones are very difficult, surely anyone could manage half an hour looking after their own children? All of the other PPs are right. You are being very deliberately abused. Turn your phone off when you're out & tell him you're doing so- but if you're at all worried about your children's safety when they're in the care of their father, you must take steps to sort this by involving others, be it Women's Aid, your GP, your family, or anyone who might help you. Keep the text messages as evidence. I'm so sorry you're having to put up with this.Flowers

Lorlorlorikeet · 15/04/2025 20:34

He is an appalling father and an appalling husband. My god.

OP. His control and abuse of you and his children is vile. Absolutely vile.

TheReturnOfFeathersMcGraw · 15/04/2025 20:35

This is emotional blackmail
He sounds pathetic, you deserve better @Iamlosingmymind876

BellesAndGraces · 15/04/2025 20:36

Iamlosingmymind876 · 15/04/2025 18:41

It's complicated because he can be good. And he can be not so good. It's not all the time, one or the other. So it's confusing.

Nothing you have written even remotely suggests that he’s a good dad. Or a good husband. Or even a good friend.

Acheyelbows · 15/04/2025 20:37

Unfortunately I don't think their father is very good. The idea of a him putting on headphones to ignore his 2 and 5 year old is enough to make me worry about their safety so I can imagine how stressed you are when you leave them alone with him.

If you split up they would be alone with him more unfortunately so leaving him would not be helpful. Do you have any one else they can stay with when you want to meet a friend? Can you afford baby sitters?

Children are hard work but you need to be confident that their father won't harm them in your absence. If he is saying horrible things in messages to you about harming them, then it doesn't appear to be just your own apprehension from your upbringing. I would consider the threats as a form of abuse as he knows you're worried that he will follow through.

Having to leave hospital early when very sick is definitely not okay. He could have vented if he had to but then reassure you that things would actually be fine at home as he knew you couldn't possibly help him from hospital. It was awfully cruel to you.

Iwannakeepondancing · 15/04/2025 20:38

Hmm he sounds mentally unwell? If he can’t cope with them on his own at all and says bad things about them, that isn’t normal. Maybe he needs some counselling? It doesn’t sound like he can help it but you’re enabling him.

loulouljh · 15/04/2025 20:39

Ignore! He will soon get the message. Rushing back is not helping.

Clarabell77 · 15/04/2025 20:41

28Fluctuations · 15/04/2025 19:11

There are 2 real possibilities here:

  1. He's an abusive parent. The children are not safe with him. He neglects or acts aggressively towards the children. In addition, he is a manipulative twat who is controlling and abusive to you.
  1. He's just a manipulative twat - the dc are safe with him, but looking after them is your job and it doesn't matter if you're in hospital, you need to get your arse home and be a proper mother. That makes him an abusive partner.

I'd argue that you need to leave him either way - straight away. But keep every text message, every evil comment about the dc, every threat and whinge. Let the court decide.

If you honestly think it's the first one, then you need to gather evidence and get authorities involved.

This.

I’ve been reading comments from people saying just tell him to fuck off, ignore him, etc which I can understand, but I think it’s a lot more serious than that unfortunately.

Ineffable23 · 15/04/2025 20:48

I think you just have to stop going home.

Think about how you'd deal with a 4 year old. You wouldn't reward bad behaviour. What you're doing at the moment means that he knows that ringing you up gets him what he wants - to no longer have sole responsibility.

Being shouted at or ignored won't be the end of the world.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 15/04/2025 20:48

He's not a good husband or father with this behaviour.
And it is controlling behaviour.

Turn your phone off.

If you go home to anger/upset/fury that you didn't respond or come home, then plan for divorce asap. It won't get better. And he's teaching his children that this is normal; it's not.

Horses7 · 15/04/2025 21:19

DONT. ANSWER. YOUR. PHONE!! Or tell him the battery died.
You are enabling him to ruin your ‘free time’ don’t let him. He’s a Dad let him act like it, he won’t fall apart and your kids will be fine. You’ll get a bit of your life back.
Sorry, just throwing this in left field …. are you secretly pleased you are so needed and so rush back to save the day?

FusionChefGeoff · 15/04/2025 21:22

He’s manipulating you every time as he doesn’t enjoy it / thinks it’s beneath him. The apologies after the fact are designed to get you to say “oh don’t worry please don’t get so upset it doesn’t matter”

RawBloomers · 15/04/2025 21:24

Edited as had page open for hours and didn’t see update.

So he gets shouty, tells you you’re too soft, but all the same, when he feels like getting shouty he calls you up and tells you you have to come back?

He is not a good dad. He’s excusing his bad parenting (which he knows is because he’s not enjoying himself, not because the kids need shouting at) by criticising yours and calling you back to deal with the kids because he doesn’t want to do it. He isn’t even trying to parent them well.

If he’s scientifically oriented, a parenting course that focuses on evidenced based parenting techniques might have some impact. But I suspect his selfish streak will come to the fore because he’s doing this because he can’t be arsed, not because he thinks the kids benefit from his parenting style.

I don’t know if you should force him to do more or just leave him and try and minimise the amount of time the kids get with him. But you shouldn’t accept his behaviour.

Gymnopedie · 15/04/2025 21:25

He is out later and I do plan on speaking to him when he's back.

So it's OK for him to go out and leave you with the kids, but not for you to go out? I bet he hasn't messaged you to ask if you're coping because being on your own with the children is difficult and irritating.

Childishly I'd be tempted to ring him and telll him you're struggling and he needs to come home to take over. In reality I'd read him the riot act for his hypocrisy.

MattCauthon · 15/04/2025 21:59

My view is that if someone is really this anxious, and can't cope, and thinks they're a bad dad.... they'd do something about it if they actually really felt that.

But he doesn't. He just uses it as an excuse to get you to do all the work. I bet besides you not being allowed any time without him and the DC, that you do all the chores and all the mental load and everything else.

PooksBear · 15/04/2025 21:59

Iamlosingmymind876 · 15/04/2025 18:41

It's complicated because he can be good. And he can be not so good. It's not all the time, one or the other. So it's confusing.

Stop drip feeding.
How old are the children?
Does he manage the children when you ARE there?
Can the children cope on their own if he ignores them?
Were the children OK when you were in hospital before you came home early?

Please answer so we can help 😊

Babybirdaugust · 15/04/2025 22:01

I don’t disagree with everyone else, but from a practical standpoint, could he arrange to have help off someone else. Like his parents , other dads for play dates with the kids. My DH usually takes the kids round to his mum and dads when I’m out

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/04/2025 22:06

If you keep responding in the same way you will get the same reaction. So you responding by going home early when he phones means he phones again next time.
Break the cycle, respond differently, do not go home, expect him to parent. He needs lots of practice to improve.

gamerchick · 15/04/2025 22:07

Leave your phone at home.

MistyMoistyMorningCloud · 15/04/2025 22:27

OP the endless loop you mentioned might be what is sometimes called the cycle of abuse. It is very confusing as abusers are not abusive all the time.

I don't think talking to him about this will help as I think what he's doing is intentional, so he won't change just because you explain to him why it's a problem. He knows it's a problem - he's creating the problem to serve his own ends.

I would strongly recommend the book Why Does He Do That? It's a real eye opener about abusive male behaviour

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/04/2025 22:56

PooksBear · 15/04/2025 21:59

Stop drip feeding.
How old are the children?
Does he manage the children when you ARE there?
Can the children cope on their own if he ignores them?
Were the children OK when you were in hospital before you came home early?

Please answer so we can help 😊

Show quote history

If you're gonna accuse her of drip feeding, at least read all her posts.

The children are 5 and 2.

Sashya · 15/04/2025 23:04

The weaponised incompetence that he displays is only supported by your constant "saving" him.

Don't divorce him. And don't stop going out. He can figure out how to cope with this kids - if he doesn't get to vent and gets on with it.
Don't answer the phone and stop rushing back.

Your DC won't be harmed by his inept parenting on the odd occasions you are out.

Endofyear · 15/04/2025 23:05

He is using the kids as an excuse to control you and stop you going out. He's an adult man and should be able to cope with 2 small children by himself for a few hours. If he is genuinely so completely useless, why on earth are you with him? He's not a good husband or a good father if you feel anxious about leaving your children with him.

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