I think I'm in an endless loop with DH

[Iamlosingmymind876]

I am ashamed to be writing this. I am scared. Please be kind.

My DH has a habit of ringing or messaging me while I am out without the kids. The kids are with him and he messages or rings to 'vent'. He says it's a nightmare or difficult and can I come back or hurry up.

The worst time was when I was in hospital in Majors, really poorly and he spent the whole time complaining they weren't sleeping. They were a nightmare. It is so hard etc etc
I'm embarrassed to say I actually offered to lie so I could discharge myself to go help him. I was worried. I did stay in hospital, I had to. But the stress of knowing he was struggling and if he was irritated etc etc and I was helpless in hospital was something I can't forget. I traveled to London to see friends and he called me and I had to get an early train home. It's just ridiculous.

I have spoken to him about this. Many many times. He says he will stop, that he's just venting. He gets emotional and says he's sorry he's a bad dad etc. I feel guilty and the cycle continues.
Although, it did stop for a while. Things were good but today I went out with a friend I hadn't seen in years, I was so excited and then he calls me while I'm on the way and tells me he's stressed, irritable, struggling. I came home early.
Should I have just left him to it? Maybe I shouldn't have come back early. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I am just so so sad. I'm heartbroken. I feel stuck in a loop.

Because he is a good dad. He does gardening with them, he hugs them and cares for them and does homework etc etc
He just gets very overwhelmed when he has them on his own and that leads to irritability. And no patience. Do you think a parenting course will help? A book? Therapy?

Honestly, I told myself I'd leave if he called me again while I was out. It's gotten bad. Sometimes I can't go to the opticians on my own without him ringing or texting me and some horrible things have been said. And even if he doesn't ring or message I am left anxious and worried just sort of waiting for it.

But I forgive him because I know how it feels to find things difficult. To feel like you're not coping.

The thing is, I love him. The kids love him.

I feel like I'm in a nightmare. Because it's not that he's ALWAYS like this...it's just sometimes but the times he is are very stressful.

He is out later and I do plan on speaking to him when he's back.

Any words of wisdom or advice are appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

Reading between the lines, he is talking about your young and therefore vulnerable children with such anger/disdain/annoyance/lack of empathy that you're worried he's going to snap and hurt them if you're not there to stop it? It sounds like he's using that fear to control you, which is very coercive of him. I've been there and I know how scary it feels. Are there any other ways you feel limited or controlled by him?

Keep all those nasty texts about your children.
They are deliberately sent to bring you home as you are scared.

Screenshot them and send them to yourself.

You know perfectly well he's going to do this, so why are you even answering the phone let alone going home early. It's weaponized incompetence, and he's as far from a good dad as it's possible to be.

Take off your rose tinted glasses and see him for what he is. Not what you think he can be.

What do you expect? You are treating him like a child and enabling his bad behaviour.

He stamps his feet and you come running.

There are 2 real possibilities here:

1. He's an abusive parent. The children are not safe with him. He neglects or acts aggressively towards the children. In addition, he is a manipulative twat who is controlling and abusive to you.

1. He's just a manipulative twat - the dc are safe with him, but looking after them is your job and it doesn't matter if you're in hospital, you need to get your arse home and be a proper mother. That makes him an abusive partner.

I'd argue that you need to leave him either way - straight away. But keep every text message, every evil comment about the dc, every threat and whinge. Let the court decide.

If you honestly think it's the first one, then you need to gather evidence and get authorities involved.

Sounds like he’s caught in a doom loop and has hit into the habit of ringing you to vent, and you’ve got into the habit of placating him and coming home early.

next time you go out, be very straight with him ‘DH, I’m going out, I don’t want to be disturbed, it’s not fair and I have faith in you. If anything goes horribly wrong you can phone the emergency services. I’m turning my phone off so will speak to you when I get home’

Him getting “emotional” at being challenged on his controlling behaviour is an absolutely classic passive-aggressive tactic. He makes you responsible for how he feels. Here’s the thing: you are NOT responsible for his emotions, particularly not when you are being completely reasonable wanting to go out and see your friends. He sees parenting as “women’s work” and doesn’t see why you should get time off. He resents you having a nice time. Is this a good husband?

Please don’t feel ashamed. Sometimes the lobster doesn’t realise how hot the water has become.

OP, the baseline of a man is his worst. Because it does not matter how vertiginous are the highs and how good it can get, it's the lows that hurt us.

A chain is never stronger than its weakest link, same thing.

It's coercive control. He is using your children to control you.

You said you love him. Why?

I'm sure there are feelings. But I would suggest that you've mislabelled them.

Not a good dad. He's really not. I know this is a bitter pill to swallow but you need to stop telling yourself he is. Good dads don't use their children to control their wives.

He's not a good husband.

Please call women's aid and ask for help.

I don’t agree with those who think this is a manifestation of deeper anxiety, or weaponised incompetence (suggesting laziness) - I think it’s controlling, abusive behaviour. Using the implicit threat that something might happen to the kids if you don’t come back is horrifying. Why on Earth would you stay with this person?
Also - depending on the content of the actual comments and messages - which I sense you are shying away from posting here as they are so awful and posting them would make it somehow more real - I actually probably wouldn’t leave my kids with this man unsupervised to be honest, which I know is awful for you - but nor would I stay in this relationship another minute

A man who can't parent his own children is not a good father, he's a massive bell end, a shit dad and a man baby who needs to get on with it.

Good lord if my husband acted like that we'd have been divorced a long time ago.

@Iamlosingmymind876 your darling husband is controling you .
Classic narcassist .
You dare do soemthing that doesn’t involve him and there is some drama that takes your attention back to him .
There is no drama he knows his game works and you toddle back home. .

Id end this shit show.
Good dads what the kids mum
to be happy

I totally agree!

It is abusive and controlling.

And when you talk to him about it he gaslights you and turns it around so that you end up feeling sorry for him (sorry I'm a bad dad wah, wah, wah).

The only person who can stop this loop is you op.

OP can you try and answer what might happen if you refuse to put up with this?

Im pushing this point because it’s impossible to fix something without defining it.

But he gets to go out, unaffected? That would tip me over the edge of being too resentful

I do understand why you go back, I would hate the thought of leaving my young children with a man in this mood. Have you got another support system who can take the kids occasionally so you can have a break? And ultimately who can support if you decide to leave, which in all honesty I think is something you should be thinking about, he doesn’t seem to be bringing much to the table except for stress to you and eventually if not already the kids.

He is out later and I do plan on speaking to him when he's back.

I mean, it seems obvious, but why don’t you try to demonstrate how annoying this is by ringing him every time he’s out without the children? Starting tonight? “The children are really stressing me out, please can you come home now?”

It doesn’t matter if he’s good sometimes, and the inconsistency in how he behaves will in itself be damaging to your children and could cause them to develop insecure attachments. If you can’t trust him not to be abusive or neglectful to your children then unfortunately you don’t have a choice but to limit going out. That is unless you have alternative childcare. With that in mind I’d be honest with friends and family about what’s happening and ask for support with childcare to allow you some respite. I imagine his behaviour is a secret to all but you so this might motivate/shame him to take attachment, as clearly making his children and partner suffer clearly isn’t motivation enough.

my father did this to my mother and my ex did this to me. I didn’t realise how controlling it was, how deliberate, until I left (and at this point was able to reflect on my fathers behaviour with more clarity).

I understand you’re between a rock and a hard place, I still go sometimes to my ex when I’m concerned it’s very bad. He’s not a violent man but he’s frightening when he’s angry.

I think you probably need to leave though. he’s really not a good partner or father if he can only do both when everything is easy. I bet he controls you in other ways. Don’t let him off the hook because “he can’t do any better”. He can.

Coercive control thrives on this confusion. It's part of the 'cycle of abuse.'
If it was bad all the time, it would be easy for you to see what is going on but the good times keep you hooked in and in hope.

So sorry you are going through this.

If you are able to safely read some books about coercive control (e.g. Why Does He Do That - can Google for a free pdf) I'd highly recommend. And/or freedom programme as another poster suggested.

All the best 💐

My sister's husband did this. Pretending he couldn't cope with the children (also 2 and 5), learnt helplessness, manipulation.

They're now divorcing 🥳

He didn't send scary messages about the kids though. Does he threaten to hurt them? That is abuse and may escalate from threats to actual violence.

Sorry if I missed it, but how old are kids?

My ex husband used to do similar. I'd go out once per month from around 11am til hopefully 6pm (including 1 hr train each side, some lunch, shopping with a female friend and generally break from being SAHM). I'd get requested to pick up a very particular craft beer, only sold at a particular store in our rural area, which closed at 4pm. Funnily enough, he'd drink anything going every other night of the month.

Your husband is controlling. And if you're worried about leaving kids with him, why would you be with him?

Best wishes xx

Did you know OP that this is a common tactic used by controlling men, its not about the kids its about not wanting you to go out and do your own thing, and minimising the time you spend outside the family. Is he controlling in other ways?

Why are you looking for solutions and not him? If he genuinely got emotional and upset when you point out his behaviour, wouldn't he be looking to go on a parenting course or read a book or do something, anything, to improve the situation? What's he doing to address it or plan to improve things?

Fuck this for a game of soldiers.

I've been in a similar situation.

You EITHER call it out every time, say in advance before you go out "if you call me or make me feel awkward about being out I'm going to have to consider leaving you"

OR

You just leave him. It's emotionally abusive behaviour, and who wants a loser who can't parent his own children without getting "stressed"?

(I know, I married one, it's not that simple, but it really is)

If a dog misbehaves and barks for attention, food, whatever - and you give it to them - you‘ve just trained them to know that’s all they need to do. So they’ll do it more. Now you’ve trained him to know all he needs is to make that call….. Your dog needs training, it will be tough at first but it’s the only way he’ll learn how to behave. Old dogs CAN learn new tricks (or at least unlearn bad ones) but you’ve got to train them to understand they won’t get what they want by misbehaving. Ignoring a naughty dog often works best.
Now repeat after me ‘Sit! And stay’ 😁