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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I'm in an endless loop with DH

195 replies

Iamlosingmymind876 · 15/04/2025 17:38

I am ashamed to be writing this. I am scared. Please be kind.

My DH has a habit of ringing or messaging me while I am out without the kids. The kids are with him and he messages or rings to 'vent'. He says it's a nightmare or difficult and can I come back or hurry up.

The worst time was when I was in hospital in Majors, really poorly and he spent the whole time complaining they weren't sleeping. They were a nightmare. It is so hard etc etc
I'm embarrassed to say I actually offered to lie so I could discharge myself to go help him. I was worried. I did stay in hospital, I had to. But the stress of knowing he was struggling and if he was irritated etc etc and I was helpless in hospital was something I can't forget. I traveled to London to see friends and he called me and I had to get an early train home. It's just ridiculous.

I have spoken to him about this. Many many times. He says he will stop, that he's just venting. He gets emotional and says he's sorry he's a bad dad etc. I feel guilty and the cycle continues.
Although, it did stop for a while. Things were good but today I went out with a friend I hadn't seen in years, I was so excited and then he calls me while I'm on the way and tells me he's stressed, irritable, struggling. I came home early.
Should I have just left him to it? Maybe I shouldn't have come back early. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I am just so so sad. I'm heartbroken. I feel stuck in a loop.

Because he is a good dad. He does gardening with them, he hugs them and cares for them and does homework etc etc
He just gets very overwhelmed when he has them on his own and that leads to irritability. And no patience. Do you think a parenting course will help? A book? Therapy?

Honestly, I told myself I'd leave if he called me again while I was out. It's gotten bad. Sometimes I can't go to the opticians on my own without him ringing or texting me and some horrible things have been said. And even if he doesn't ring or message I am left anxious and worried just sort of waiting for it.

But I forgive him because I know how it feels to find things difficult. To feel like you're not coping.

The thing is, I love him. The kids love him.

I feel like I'm in a nightmare. Because it's not that he's ALWAYS like this...it's just sometimes but the times he is are very stressful.

He is out later and I do plan on speaking to him when he's back.

Any words of wisdom or advice are appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
AnotherNaCha · 15/04/2025 18:40

Well that’s definitely not being a good dad!!

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 15/04/2025 18:41

You need to turn to block his number when you are going out. You then give him the option of calling your mum/sister/friend in case of an emergency, who will pass on any messages to you.

You will soon finds he stops contact as he will be too embarrassed to contact them stating he is too stressed/tired etc.

LoobyLott · 15/04/2025 18:41

Oh they are little and they need to be paid attention to. I'm so sorry this is happening in your lives.

Original poster
Iamlosingmymind876 · 15/04/2025 18:41

It's complicated because he can be good. And he can be not so good. It's not all the time, one or the other. So it's confusing.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 15/04/2025 18:42

He isn't a good dad if he can't parent his own children for an hour or two and to call you in hospital was absolutely fucking unforgiveable. Of course he can cope but he's chosen to to abdicate parental responsibility. He whistles for you like a dog and you come running. It's also possible that he resents you having any free time. Either way, he is abusive, controlling and very unkind. I think you need to give him an ultimatum.

LoobyLott · 15/04/2025 18:42

Iamlosingmymind876 · 15/04/2025 18:41

It's complicated because he can be good. And he can be not so good. It's not all the time, one or the other. So it's confusing.

Do you know what the variables are that change his behavior? Is he drinking alcohol or taking drugs? Does he have MH issues that are untreated?

badwolf82 · 15/04/2025 18:44

As someone who suffers from anxiety it sounds like he might be suffering from anxiety. Therapy is probably a good first step - some kind of family therapy with a neutral third party who can assess the situation.

If he is anxious it can come across as controlling behaviour, but that’s not quite the same thing. Anxious people want to control everything around them, not specifically a spouse or children.

The cycle of getting emotional, promising to do better, and then doing the same thing all over again sounds a lot like how anxiety used to manifest for me.

Topjoe19 · 15/04/2025 18:45

What sort of things does he say about the kids on a message? That sounds v concerning.

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/04/2025 18:45

He's not a "good dad".

He's an arsehole who thinks it's not his job to parent his own kids.

If you're scared of him, that's a whole other matter with red flags all over it.

itsmeits · 15/04/2025 18:48

@Iamlosingmymind876
Your update says it all.
Different parenting styles alright, you parent he puts headphones on and ignores.

Let me guess he's a good dad doing gardening with them when you are home in the house doing womanly duties - and can be called on for refreshments and pandering.
He conditioning you to believe he needs you for everything.

Tontostitis · 15/04/2025 18:49

My answer would be we've discussed this, fuck off

Enrichetta · 15/04/2025 18:50

ginasevern · 15/04/2025 18:42

He isn't a good dad if he can't parent his own children for an hour or two and to call you in hospital was absolutely fucking unforgiveable. Of course he can cope but he's chosen to to abdicate parental responsibility. He whistles for you like a dog and you come running. It's also possible that he resents you having any free time. Either way, he is abusive, controlling and very unkind. I think you need to give him an ultimatum.

Totally and absolutely this.

Stop pandering to his abusive manipulations.

Ultimately I'd be rethinking the whole relationship.

itsmeits · 15/04/2025 18:51

Iamlosingmymind876 · 15/04/2025 18:41

It's complicated because he can be good. And he can be not so good. It's not all the time, one or the other. So it's confusing.

But you said it yourself you are anxious when it's the good times as you know the bad times are coming. No one should live feeling like this.

jen337 · 15/04/2025 18:53

Why are you ashamed? He’s the one that should be ashamed, useless eejit that he is can’t even parent his own kids for a day. Calling you home from the hospital is pathetic. You shouldn’t be ashamed you should be angry! He apologises so he knows he’s in the wrong, does he actually do anything meaningful to change? Let me guess, does he fuck! No, you’re here asking for help on his behalf because he can’t be arsed to step up and be a parent.

2025willbemytime · 15/04/2025 18:54

You'd be better off splitting and looking after the children yourself all of the time.

Stuff like this damages them. My daughter has told me something her dad did and didn't do when she was little. I'd love to punch him in the face for it. She doesn't see him now.

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/04/2025 18:56

It sounds like you're concerned he'll behave abusively towards the kids if you're not there to "calm things down"?

If so, that is the root of the problem, no wonder you rush back at his calls (unspoken threats?).

If he's a shouting due to genuine overwhelm, and is genuinely well-meaning and wants to change, then it would be worth him seeking mental health support, to learn to manage his emotions, and a parenting course, for constructive strategies with the kids.

If he's controlling and not taking action to change, then he is choosing to be abusive, and you need to act accordingly.

arcticpandas · 15/04/2025 18:56

@Iamlosingmymind876
My DH is not the best dad; not very patient especially our teen autistic son (who is very difficult). If he calls me to complain while I'm out (has happened) I remind him that he rarely has them (I'm a sahm) and to be a dad and parent. I wouldn't rush home because I'm not worried for the kids safety. This is what's bothering me about your DH: you feel your children are not safe with him and obviously he agrees with you. So why would you stay with a person your children are not safe around ?

SheridansPortSalut · 15/04/2025 18:56

Has anything bad ever actually happened while he's had the kids?

If you really think he can't cope then get a babysitter. If you think he's just over reacting then turn your phone off.

user1471538283 · 15/04/2025 18:57

I agree that he's using this to control you. He couldn't even let you recover in hospital. That's not a good Dad or husband.

You have to cope so can he. We've all had days when we think we are not coping but we don't guilt someone else into parenting for us.

I'd be tempted to ring him all the time when he's out so he comes home. Because clearly that's the way to parent ...

Iloveacurry · 15/04/2025 18:59

He needs to grow up. He’s a parent, sometimes he has to parent by himself! Don’t answer the phone when you’re out.

Out of interest, does he go out and leave you with the kids? I bet he does and enjoys himself without you phoning all the time!

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 15/04/2025 19:00

A therapist asked me this question once and it really struck me:
What would this person do if you went to bed and died in your sleep?
It was to prompt a real discussion around control.
The answer:
This person would have to get on with things.
This man is not a good father. He’s wasting time pestering you when you are out, instead of putting that energy into your children.
It is appalling behaviour and only you can control your reaction to it.
Don’t answer him. It’s brutal but it is the only way. The only way.
As a mum you are always going to think… well, what if it’s an emergency?
Don’t do that to yourself. To be pestering you while you are in hospital is dangerous, and sick.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to be near anyone who traded me like this.

SheridansPortSalut · 15/04/2025 19:02

Your bar is very low for what makes a good Dad. If a woman was doing the same thing would you call them a good mother? If the answer is no then he's not a good Dad.

arcticpandas · 15/04/2025 19:04

@Iamlosingmymind876 sorry I repost. It does sound as your DH has MH issues which makes it hard for him to deal with his children in a calm, adult way. Encourage him to talk to his gp to get to the bottom of this. Or rather make it an obligation in order for you not to consider leaving him. Your children's safety is primordial (physical and emotional).

homeedmam · 15/04/2025 19:05

If the kids aren't actually at risk and he's safe, just a shit dad - then you need to stop letting him control you.
Turn your phone off and stop coming home early.

MayaPinion · 15/04/2025 19:05

Can you not just shout down the phone, ‘For fucks sake, Gerald. You’re a grown ass man. What the fuck is wrong with you that you cant manage to take care of your children for a few hours? Stop being a moron’, and then put your phone down and turn it off. Stop mollycoddling and appeasing him.