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Original poster

I think I'm in an endless loop with DH

195 replies

Iamlosingmymind876 · 15/04/2025 17:38

I am ashamed to be writing this. I am scared. Please be kind.

My DH has a habit of ringing or messaging me while I am out without the kids. The kids are with him and he messages or rings to 'vent'. He says it's a nightmare or difficult and can I come back or hurry up.

The worst time was when I was in hospital in Majors, really poorly and he spent the whole time complaining they weren't sleeping. They were a nightmare. It is so hard etc etc
I'm embarrassed to say I actually offered to lie so I could discharge myself to go help him. I was worried. I did stay in hospital, I had to. But the stress of knowing he was struggling and if he was irritated etc etc and I was helpless in hospital was something I can't forget. I traveled to London to see friends and he called me and I had to get an early train home. It's just ridiculous.

I have spoken to him about this. Many many times. He says he will stop, that he's just venting. He gets emotional and says he's sorry he's a bad dad etc. I feel guilty and the cycle continues.
Although, it did stop for a while. Things were good but today I went out with a friend I hadn't seen in years, I was so excited and then he calls me while I'm on the way and tells me he's stressed, irritable, struggling. I came home early.
Should I have just left him to it? Maybe I shouldn't have come back early. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I am just so so sad. I'm heartbroken. I feel stuck in a loop.

Because he is a good dad. He does gardening with them, he hugs them and cares for them and does homework etc etc
He just gets very overwhelmed when he has them on his own and that leads to irritability. And no patience. Do you think a parenting course will help? A book? Therapy?

Honestly, I told myself I'd leave if he called me again while I was out. It's gotten bad. Sometimes I can't go to the opticians on my own without him ringing or texting me and some horrible things have been said. And even if he doesn't ring or message I am left anxious and worried just sort of waiting for it.

But I forgive him because I know how it feels to find things difficult. To feel like you're not coping.

The thing is, I love him. The kids love him.

I feel like I'm in a nightmare. Because it's not that he's ALWAYS like this...it's just sometimes but the times he is are very stressful.

He is out later and I do plan on speaking to him when he's back.

Any words of wisdom or advice are appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
IButtleSir · 15/04/2025 17:57

What an utterly pathetic excuse for a husband and father he is.

If you decide not to divorce him, you need to tell him you are no longer answering the phone to him when you're out. And that if he continues to be incapable of looking after his own children, you will reconsider your stance on divorce.

Quitelikeit · 15/04/2025 18:00

This man is very controlling and therefore emotionally abusive

That is the role model for your children

He is not all that great?!

I feel annoyed on your behalf

Can you go out now and block him for 30 mins? Or next time leave your phone at home

No offence but he seems pathetic! I feel like shaking him on your behalf

Picklepoppypolly · 15/04/2025 18:01

This is not normal. His behaviour is unacceptable. I hope you can see that with the replies on here.
My exh did this to me at work, phoning me several times throughout the day. He was a stay at home Dad, and I was the only earner. My manager could see what was happening and told me to drop my phone. I didn’t fully understand what was going on and should have finished the marriage much sooner than I did.

canthavethatonethen · 15/04/2025 18:02

He's doing it on purpose to ruin your day.

Switch your phone off.

LindorDoubleChoc · 15/04/2025 18:02

Oh my word OP, I'm so sorry to read this Flowers. Absolutely no judgement from me about worrying about your children when in the sole care of your H. He actually sounds seriously unstable - has he thought about seeing someone over his inability to handle low levels of stress? There's something very wrong with him imo, I wouldn't write this off as standard weaponised incompetence. I'm sorry he's such a useless co-parent.

itsmeits · 15/04/2025 18:03

AnotherNaCha · 15/04/2025 17:47

Leave your phone at home if possible? Or tell him to call his own mother for help!

It is a form of control, not allowing you any time to yourself. He absolutely does need to grow up.

My exP used to do this. I didn’t realise how controlling and abusive it was until we split up.

Was just about to say very similar regarding leaving the phone at home.
Second tell him to call his mum, you are out and will be home later.

He can cope he will cope he is choosing to be a PITA.

On the flip side my DP was like this when they were little.
We realised it was his lack of knowing what to do. Once he started to plan what he would be doing eg, painting, gardening, film night, park. Whatever he just knew the structure of is evening/day. He never called unless there was a real problem after he started to plan.
Could it be DP issue @Iamlosingmymind876 that he needs to get a routine or plan for when he has them?

rockingbird · 15/04/2025 18:04

He’s controlling you, don’t answer. Go out and silence his calls. This used to be my life, as a result I very rarely went anywhere without my kids - even to appointments! Now we are separated and he still try’s to control my whereabouts and the kids are now teens!! This won’t end unless you make it crystal clear you are not going to give up your independence because he can’t cope for a couple of hours with his own kids!! I suspect he can’t cope cope but chooses to make out he can’t so you do it all.. I bet he’s free to do as he pleases 🤨

CrispieCake · 15/04/2025 18:04

If you have to come home early when he's supposed to be looking after the kids, change him emergency babysitting rates for your wasted time. He needs to show the same respect for your time that presumably he shows for his own.

mcmooberry · 15/04/2025 18:04

How old are the DC and how many of them are we talking about? If it's a 3 year old and 18 month old triplets I can see his point to a degree, if older and less children then no, he needs to let you enjoy your time off without this nonsense, far less his disgraceful behaviour when you were in hospital.

BombayBicycleclub · 15/04/2025 18:05

You’ll have no friends if you keep this up

2025willbemytime · 15/04/2025 18:06

CatsLikeBoxes · 15/04/2025 17:44

Stop going back early. Tell him you have confidence in him, you know he's capable, and stay out. Everyone can have times when they're irritated or finding things tough but you learn to cope by... coping. Not constantly being rescued by someone. He needs to be more resilient and you should stop pandering to his demands because it's maintaining his behaviour. And it must be incredibly annoying

This is bonkers.

He's not doing this because he can't cope. He's doing it as he doesn't want to parent, he doesn't want his wife having free time and because he's a dick.

consistentlyinconsistent · 15/04/2025 18:06

If you think he is unsafe around your children then separate. Otherwise, tell him straight that this cannot go on and that it is ruining your wellbeing - you need to give him a firm ultimatum and stick to it i.e. if this does not stop we will need to separate. If my DH told me that my behaviour was ruining their wellbeing, I would make plans to ensure it stops happening. In your DH's case it could be a parenting course... not sure they do a course for stopping emotional manipulation though.

Messycoo · 15/04/2025 18:07

Turn your phone off, he will have to get on with it . Just like you do .

hopeishere · 15/04/2025 18:07

He’s doing it because he can. DH gets overwhelmed like this he called me from a swimming lesson once when DS was acting up and refusing to go in the pool. I told him there was nothing I could do, he needed to sort it and hung up. He’s not controlling he just panics and doesn’t know what to do.

Are you scared he will hurt the children when overwhelmed?

Tiswa · 15/04/2025 18:10

I think you need to say it isn’t stopping, they are his kids (how old) and he is ruining his relationship with you and with them.

That this is the last time, you cannot and will not live a life where his apologies are empty meaningless words and the cycle continues

WrylyAmused · 15/04/2025 18:11

Thing is, it takes both of you to be in a loop.

And you can't control anyone else's behaviour.
So change yours.
Everyone is giving you good advice - just stop answering/responding to the calls or texts, and stop going home early.

You haven't said the children have ever been hurt or that anything has actually happened - you're simply afraid it might. He's just saying that it's difficult and he's stressed and struggling. Ok, let him. The children will be ok.

It sounds like it's your fear, based on your own childhood, that's causing your reaction - so how could you be supported to feel more comfortable to think "it's ok, DH is not my parents, the children have been fine every other time, they'll be fine tonight, and I won't be coming home early"

And before you go out, communicate it to him, remind him not to call you and that you trust him to manage the children alone, so you won't be responding if he does.

And if the thought of communicating that scares you, then you need to have a much deeper look into the relationship dynamics, because it shouldn't be a problem to have that conversation.

ScarlettSunset · 15/04/2025 18:13

He's not a good husband or a good dad.
He's doing this to stop you from going out and him actually having to parent his own children. Or possibly just to ruin your time out so you stop daring to have any life of your own.

Don't pander to him. This isn't a lifestyle you should be modelling for your children.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 15/04/2025 18:13

Switch off the 'phone, or leave it switched on at home.

MistyMoistyMorningCloud · 15/04/2025 18:13

Iamlosingmymind876 · 15/04/2025 17:48

It's not annoying, it's extremely stressful.
We parent differently when stressed and my concern is a negative impact on the DC so I come back.

Are you coming back early because you are worried he will shout at/take his stress out on your kids?

If so this is no good, he's essentially using the threat of emotional harm to your children to control you.

Gcsunnyside23 · 15/04/2025 18:14

What age are the kids? Either way I think he's unreasonable and you need to stop answering the phone and going home

harriethoyle · 15/04/2025 18:14

You’re enabling him to behave this way by a) answering b) going home. You need to stop to train him out of the habit - if you don’t the alternative is you split from him and then have no control or visibility over how he’s parenting.

Anothercoat · 15/04/2025 18:16

Iamlosingmymind876 · 15/04/2025 17:55

@Needlenardlenoo I had a difficult upbringing to say the least.

@Anothercoat I have said to him before it needs to stop. That it's upsetting for various reasons. That I feel I can't go out. He apologises, gets emotional etc It stops and starts again.

Yes I hear that. But you haven’t actually answered what might happen if YOU stopped responding.

cestlavielife · 15/04/2025 18:17

He knows what he doing. Don't answer phone.
Tell him practice is all he needs

LuluDelulu · 15/04/2025 18:18

He is a selfish arse. He’s NOT a good dad.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 15/04/2025 18:18

At the moment he has absolutely no motivation to change because he gets exactly what he wants out of this behaviour, which is to offload his stress on to you, making himself feel better, and for you to swoop in and rescue him. If you want to try and get him to behave differently you have to behave differently. That might mean turning your phone off when you’re out, giving him a taste of his own medicine by harassing him
and demanding he return next time he goes out, or being really explicit that if he doesn’t address his behaviour it will be the end of you. If he’s taking your concerns seriously he can explore some kind of therapy or course to learn how to regulate himself and a trip to the gp to explore his mental health.

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