I think I'm in an endless loop with DH

[Iamlosingmymind876]

I am ashamed to be writing this. I am scared. Please be kind.

My DH has a habit of ringing or messaging me while I am out without the kids. The kids are with him and he messages or rings to 'vent'. He says it's a nightmare or difficult and can I come back or hurry up.

The worst time was when I was in hospital in Majors, really poorly and he spent the whole time complaining they weren't sleeping. They were a nightmare. It is so hard etc etc
I'm embarrassed to say I actually offered to lie so I could discharge myself to go help him. I was worried. I did stay in hospital, I had to. But the stress of knowing he was struggling and if he was irritated etc etc and I was helpless in hospital was something I can't forget. I traveled to London to see friends and he called me and I had to get an early train home. It's just ridiculous.

I have spoken to him about this. Many many times. He says he will stop, that he's just venting. He gets emotional and says he's sorry he's a bad dad etc. I feel guilty and the cycle continues.
Although, it did stop for a while. Things were good but today I went out with a friend I hadn't seen in years, I was so excited and then he calls me while I'm on the way and tells me he's stressed, irritable, struggling. I came home early.
Should I have just left him to it? Maybe I shouldn't have come back early. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I am just so so sad. I'm heartbroken. I feel stuck in a loop.

Because he is a good dad. He does gardening with them, he hugs them and cares for them and does homework etc etc
He just gets very overwhelmed when he has them on his own and that leads to irritability. And no patience. Do you think a parenting course will help? A book? Therapy?

Honestly, I told myself I'd leave if he called me again while I was out. It's gotten bad. Sometimes I can't go to the opticians on my own without him ringing or texting me and some horrible things have been said. And even if he doesn't ring or message I am left anxious and worried just sort of waiting for it.

But I forgive him because I know how it feels to find things difficult. To feel like you're not coping.

The thing is, I love him. The kids love him.

I feel like I'm in a nightmare. Because it's not that he's ALWAYS like this...it's just sometimes but the times he is are very stressful.

He is out later and I do plan on speaking to him when he's back.

Any words of wisdom or advice are appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

Oh love, this man is abusing you. This is coercive control.

He does this to control you and to prevent you from having an independent life of your own. He doesn’t want you seeing friends or going out. He wants you trapped at home with him where he can control you. He ruins things for you on purpose. Surely you can see that?

He knows full well that you’re concerned about the way he will treat the children when he gets angry and stressed. He is using that as a threat to make you scared and to make you come home. He says horrible things about them because it upsets you and he upsets the children to make you worry about them. He is doing this to hurt you and control you. This is coercive control of a particularly nasty kind.

He isn’t a good dad. A good dad can care for his own children without getting angry and stressed and phoning his wife to say horrible things about them. A good dad doesn’t upset his kids with his parenting. A good dad doesn’t harass the mother of his kids when she’s ill in fucking hospital. A good dad doesn’t use his confused, scared kids as a pawn in his favourite game of controlling his wife.

Sure, sometimes he’ll be nice to you. So what? That doesn’t negate the abuse. He is nice to you because he knows it confuses you and makes you less likely to leave - if he was horrible to you ALL the time, you would have left by now. So he’ll be nice to you and the kids sometimes and horrible to you all at other times, so you’re constantly on edge not knowing what version of him you’re going to get and walking on eggshells round him trying not to upset him.

You must, MUST be able to see what he’s doing to you. He’s an awful controlling emotionally abusive husband and a really shitty father. You are scared of him. You’re terrified of what he might do to your kids when he’s alone and angry with them. You are being prevented from ever doing anything independently.

No one has a manual on how to be a parent.
You learn as you go along.
I expect the kids get on your nerves at times but you just have to get on with it.

When he’s out tonight call him , text him ask him to come home.
Do it every time.
Ignore his calls when you’re out.
This is control.

If he genuinely can’t look after his own kids and is so overwhelmed then he needs to get help with that.
If he just doesn’t want to and doesn’t like you going out, then I think there is only so many times you can have a conversation and it getting nowhere. My impression is that the messages he sends you are unkind and deliberately framed to get you to go back. Him being ‘emotional’ is potentially him being manipulative. You can’t effectively be imprisoned so you can’t do anything for fear he will call you telling you how much he can’t cope. He needs to sort himself out, either by getting professional help and/or by acting as an equal partner and looking after his kids. It is quite extreme for him to bothering you when you are in hospital and I find it worrying that he says horrible things about the kids when he is the one unable to cope.

What would happen if you died? I think before you go next time, discuss what strategies he will put in place and tell him not to call you unless it’s an emergency.

You need to call him out on it. When he writes something about the children that’s unkind, say to him that you can’t believe he’s said that about his own child

Secondly, when your out, if you answer, you need to ask if it’s an emergency. If it’s not, tell him he is an adult and can manage.

Rinse and repeat, he will soon put his big boy pants on and parent his own children

Are you going home because of what he says guikting you, or because you believe the kids to be at risk because of his mood? What kids do you have? Seriously unless you have 3 sets of triplets under five what is his issue!

I have to say I’d tell him he clearly needs more practice and that from next weekend, he’ll have to deal with the dcs on his own.
Maybe for 2 hours on a Saturday. You’re not answering the phone or coming back earlier.
And then 4 hours, an evening etc…..
Id also push back from always stepping in to ‘save him’ when you’re together,

And that’s being nice and assuming he is not manipulating you to get away from dealing with his own children

What’s he like when he goes out? Does he go out for hours and does he check up on you? Seeing if the kids are being too much?

my ex was like this any time I left the house even if it was just to the shop uo the road he’d ring me saying the kids are kicking off and won’t listen to him and to hurry up but then when he’s go out he’s never answer calls or texts and would disappear sometimes for a Whole weeekend and I never once text to tell him the kids was being assholes😅

men make out it’s so easy until you leave the kids with them hahahaha

I understand OP.

I think it is confusing because you know that he is fully able to look after children, should he choose to do so.

But he's choosing not to do that.

In fact, he resents the very idea that he might look after his own children while you go out instead so much that he has chosen to threaten you instead.

In this situation where he is able to cope but choses not to, his "I can't cope" are a veiled threat - "come home now or I'll hurt the children". He's threatening emotional harm not physical harm, yes, because he knows it's enough to get you to do what he says while pretending he's not manipulating you.

He is not a good man or dad at all, OP. He's a nasty man who uses his own children's welfare to control his wife.

Sounds like a his problem, not yours if he can't cope with his own kids? Hold your ground and go out more. Let him practice more. Be clear about how long he will have them for and that you are not coming home early. Have a regular commitment that you always go to E.g. a yoga class, or something that is for YOU and turn your phone off whilst you're there.

All very well assuming he is just unskilled. If you are worried about kids safety or wellbeing with him then you have a bigger problem

Put your phone on silent and do not look at it

Or if you think he will harm the children get a babysitter and explain its because he is so fucking useless at looking after his own kids you are forced to pay a stranger to get a minute's peace.

He's an embarrassment

He is not a good father and you are enabling this nonsense with your own pandering.

He’s a shit dad

You say he has gone out, call and tell him you are o erwhelmed, have a headache, feeling ill and cannot cope so the kids are suffering.

I bet he doesn’t come home.

Why?cos he is a shit dad and husband.

I’m sorry if this comes over harsh, but I think you are ‘in a looop’ of your own making!
Yes, your husband is being wet I think. He’s also being very mean, denying you your time, putting the guilts on you & hauling you back to release him from ‘dreadfully onerous’ duties he clearly doesn’t want to do.

No, it’s a complete sentence. Practice saying it. No no no. Now say it to him.

Well don't. He needs to learn. And fast.

Plenty of parenting classes available. Send him on one.
He needs to grow up and cope.
He does sound controlling. And especially when you are doing something you have looked forward too.
He just wants you to be doing all the childcare . It's pathetic .
You say he is a good dad but then say he has no patience. Does he shout ? Get angry? At the children .

This is so hard and I understand, as my exDH was like this. And it's what keeps you stuck in the endless cycle of behaviour.

Because they are not stressed/controlling/ needy all the time, we focus on the "good" parts of them, and the "good" times. I used to tell myself that the "good" side of my ex was his real self, the "bad" side wasn't really him, he was just anxious etc, or it was his trauma coming out, and as his wife I should accept it. I felt really sorry for him as I could tell he was struggling.

What helped me was to understand that even if someone can be a nice person at times, even if they have had trauma, even if they have mental health problems or are neurodiverse - if they are consistently showing controlling or emotionally abusive behaviour, it's not acceptable. And it's not our job to fix them or stay with them and bear the brunt of it.

It's your DH's responsibility to work on himself and his issues, for the sake of everyone. If he doesn't, the cycle will continue, and will get worse.

The fact that he can’t cope on his own with 2 kids means that he’s a shit dad. Good dads can struggle with good kids but they save their complaints for after their wife returns home. “Come back now” messages are for extreme emergencies like him or a child going to A&E sort of thing.

He needs more practice in order to get better at being a dad but I suspect he’s doing it because he’s jealous that you’re out or he thinks that childcare is for women to do and he resents doing it on his own.

If he wants to improve the situation then his choices are to leave you (divorced dads can get away with rarely seeing the kids)or he needs to take a more scientific approach and think about situations that trigger him and how to deal with those. For example if one child is a whiner - what should he do? If the kids don’t eat much dinner - what should he say and do? You clearly do the majority of the parenting in your house (including parenting him) but that means he’s either doing the easy bits like sitting at the table while they eat a meal or running around the garden for a bit while you deal with harder bits like whining, tantrums or squabbles. (I’ve assumed the ages of the kids)

You said you’re not annoyed but you should be angry with him imo. He’s denying you the few breaks from parenting that you deserve by guilting you into returning early. Not responding to his messages and forcing him to learn is the only way or the resentment and anxiety each time you go it will drive you insane.

He’s going out tonight - that’s highly cheeky after the stunts that he’s pulled on you. Another reason to be angry at him because you’ll be doing bedtime and not interrupt his time even if the kids act up.

Shocked at the number of people saying to just turn your phone off. You clearly have reason to worry about the kids being in his care or you wouldn’t feel anxious! Sorry you’re in this situation - if you don’t think he can control his stress levels then you might need to find alternative care arrangements for when you’re on nights out.

He sounds very anxious. I feel bit sorry for him. I am like this with DH but I had a stroke 2 years ago and have a terror of being left on my own.

By responding to his calls/messages you are actually controlling him in my eyes.
There is no one else in the hemisphere who
cares how your DH is coping with the DC as much as you do. He knows
We parent differently when stressed and my concern is a negative impact on the DC so I come back. so consequently feels nervous you will criticise his parenting decisions.
Turn you phone off. Tell him he is in charge and you will not criticise his parental style when you are absent.
This is difficult but keep in mind that, should you split, DH will be in charge of your DC 50% of the time.

He's calling you to punish you. He views it as YOUR job to care for the children and he's therefore pissed off every time he has to do it, so he is calling because he (a) wants to ruin your day out or (b) wants you to know how angry he is that you've left your job to him or (c) both.

A normal adult will not ruin their partner's special occassions, even if they were having a difficult time WITH THEIR OWN CHILDREN. They would think something along the lines of, 'fuck me, this is exhausting. I don't know how @Iamlosingmymind876 does it' or they'll think, 'this behaviour isn't on. I must ask @Iamlosingmymind876 tomorrow if she's noticed it before.' The point is, they will wait until a more opportune moment to speak to you. Excluding a genuine emergency, such as an injury requiring hospital treatment, or the house burning down, there is absolutely no reason for your DH to be calling you to complain within an hour of being left alone with his children.

You are right, you are in a loop. He consistently behaves like a dick and you don't trust him with the children. Unless you think he will genuinely hurt them, you need to let go a little. Go out and, once you have met your friend, turn your phone off. If you think he'll take his frustration out by physically hurting the children, then you have bigger problems and you need to be putting a plan in place to leave safely.

I am going to presume you married a grown up adult ? and neither of you had parented before you had your 5yr old and 2yr old ? So can you explain why you are the only one who can parent adequately ?
My DH used to try a variation of this back in the early days, he would be Mr SulkyMcSulkface for days before I went out/away. I used to worry and then I didn't, look he is perfectly capable of not killing/harming the children, they might not be looked after to your own Gold standards but it isn't going to cause long term issues if you aren't there for a few hours/days. I dealt with it by increasing the time away and telling him why. You act like a dick when I want to visit friends and instead of 2 days it will be 4, your choice !
He couldn't admit he was being a dick because I was expecting him to parent his own children, so win/win to me and 4 days away

You can’t control what he does. So you cannot stop him from calling.

You CAN choose not to answer your phone. Stick it on airplane mode and crack on with your outing.

If he says anything when you’re back you just say you switched your phone off for some me time. End of discussion.

I bet he doesn't get stressed doing his job.
I bet he doesn't get stressed doing something he wants to do.
Don't go back home. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for the children.

He’s not good though he’s vile to the point that you have to come home - that’s not a good parent. It’s emotionally manipulative forcing you to come back so he doesn’t have to do fuck all. You tell him he either sorts himself out or your done, poor kids!