I think I'm in an endless loop with DH

[Iamlosingmymind876]

I am ashamed to be writing this. I am scared. Please be kind.

My DH has a habit of ringing or messaging me while I am out without the kids. The kids are with him and he messages or rings to 'vent'. He says it's a nightmare or difficult and can I come back or hurry up.

The worst time was when I was in hospital in Majors, really poorly and he spent the whole time complaining they weren't sleeping. They were a nightmare. It is so hard etc etc
I'm embarrassed to say I actually offered to lie so I could discharge myself to go help him. I was worried. I did stay in hospital, I had to. But the stress of knowing he was struggling and if he was irritated etc etc and I was helpless in hospital was something I can't forget. I traveled to London to see friends and he called me and I had to get an early train home. It's just ridiculous.

I have spoken to him about this. Many many times. He says he will stop, that he's just venting. He gets emotional and says he's sorry he's a bad dad etc. I feel guilty and the cycle continues.
Although, it did stop for a while. Things were good but today I went out with a friend I hadn't seen in years, I was so excited and then he calls me while I'm on the way and tells me he's stressed, irritable, struggling. I came home early.
Should I have just left him to it? Maybe I shouldn't have come back early. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I am just so so sad. I'm heartbroken. I feel stuck in a loop.

Because he is a good dad. He does gardening with them, he hugs them and cares for them and does homework etc etc
He just gets very overwhelmed when he has them on his own and that leads to irritability. And no patience. Do you think a parenting course will help? A book? Therapy?

Honestly, I told myself I'd leave if he called me again while I was out. It's gotten bad. Sometimes I can't go to the opticians on my own without him ringing or texting me and some horrible things have been said. And even if he doesn't ring or message I am left anxious and worried just sort of waiting for it.

But I forgive him because I know how it feels to find things difficult. To feel like you're not coping.

The thing is, I love him. The kids love him.

I feel like I'm in a nightmare. Because it's not that he's ALWAYS like this...it's just sometimes but the times he is are very stressful.

He is out later and I do plan on speaking to him when he's back.

Any words of wisdom or advice are appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

Excellent post. OP, please read and reread this one.

Well, that is certainly another possibility - but if that's the case, I imagine there will be other examples of controlling behaviour as well.

If op thinks it is control rather than incompetence and a desire to avoid having to deal with difficult situations when he knows he can get her to come back and do the parenting then she should leave. If his motivation is simply stopping her having any free time I think it's highly unlikely there is any other solution.

She said they had different parenting styles and didn't specify how he was being dangerous. If he's actively dangerous she should have kicked out her husband already.

I took from the comment that she perhaps is over protective and has a higher measure of what's risky, not necessarily that he's a risk.

Stop going home when he calls. He’ll just have to learn how to cope. If it makes you feel better before you go out, help him arrange the day for when you’re out and then leave & answer the phone. They will all be fine.

Is this after extended periods of time with them ? Like doing the whole easter holidays day after day. Or just a few hours if you pop out?

I'm on say day 9 and losing my mind a bit but still not phoning my dh up. I put in place techniques to help me de stress. Has he done anything like that?

Do you trust him with the kids or are you worried he will harm them if you dont go home?

@MistyMoistyMorningCloud Yes, because he has shouted before.

@MightyGoldBear no, this can happen after half an hour or usually an hour or 2.

While he is apologising and emotional (on the back foot) tell him that you'll be switching off your phone whenever you are out. And stick to it.

He was making you feel guilty about being seriously ill in hospital because he couldn't cope with the children? Has he ever successfully spent a day with them without contacting you to tell you how hard it is for him?

He's either controlling or pathetic. I don't know which one is worse.

If I were you, I'd insist he does some sort of parenting course immediately to learn better coping mechanisms. Then, as others have said, start ignoring his calls. It must be driving your friends potty knowing you'll head home early or be dealing with his calls every time. Be mindful of dealing with this decisively so it doesn't impact your other relationships

OP what happens to you if he shouts?

I meant to say don’t answer the phone! Can’t remember how to edit.

Oh my goodness just get rid of the pathetic fucker, how absolutely useless does a man have to be before looking at him or the thought of him makes you want to vomit or scream?!

Don't turn your phone off - because the frustration of that would probably cause him to escalate, castastrophise etc etc.

Ditto the 'not answering'.

However, tell him before hand, you're busy, you will be back at X time, don't call unless it is an actual emergency.

Then if he rings, answer with a pleasant but bland tone, pick some sort of stock phrase like 'That sounds like you all need to calm down, I'll be back at... X' whatever time it was you were originally going to return at.

Don't deviate from this, keep it the same every time and it will stop!

He can't even manage an hour or two with his own kids? He is not a good dad. He's a man who parents only when there is someone to back him up and to see him 'being a good dad'. And you probably won't be able to stop him, because it's having such a great effect - you go home. Every time.

The only suggestion I could come up with, other than leave the pathetic excuse for a father, would be to tell him to book a babysitter every time you go out. That he pays for. If he finds it so hard to look after HIS OWN CHILDREN, then he can bloody well pay for someone else to do it, so he can sit there in his house while a babysitter looks after the kids and quietly despises him for being so useless.

This is textbook abusive behaviour. Either don't answer the phone when he calls or answer and tell him that no you won't be coming back early. He's their dad, he can parent just like you do. Is he controlling in other ways too?

Would your DH consider having some therapy? He sounds very uncertain and scared about being a parent.

He's using the kids to control you, it's all about you not the kids. My exh used to do this....all the time. It was whenever I wasn't there, he would often try and insist I take a child with me, even to the supermarket. It meant I couldn't do anything else, not that I was, it was his own insecurity. Think about it, it's a way of always getting you to come home and that's what the objective is. After we split up my ex started to be really good because he had lost control. That went on for 8 years, before stalking laws and coercive control laws. He would call me incessantly, at work, at my friends and my parents. As soon as I walked into the house He would go out. My son started to behave in the same way when he was around 15. I'm not exaggerating when I say it drove me to the brink of suicide. It was so toxic and became debilitating. It turned to awful bullying and could even be the middle of the night. Usually he was moaning about his latest partner and making himself the victim. In the end I had to stop speaking to him following an I intervention by my other kids. Your husband is controlling you.

"I'm out this evening with Jess. I'm leaving my phone at home so we can talk properly without interruptions. See you at half eleven, give or take."

"I'll be turning my phone off when I get to the shops. I should be back late afternoon."

If he knows there's no possibility of you answering, it will be pointless messaging. But you have to stick to it.

People managed to raise children for centuries without being always contactable by phone. Your husband can learn to cope.

How OLD are the children?

This is setting off major red flags for manipulative and controlling behaviour, including the tears when he's called on it and then doing it all over again (and again, and again) anyway.

Next time you go out? Block him for the duration. Seriously. Either he is manipulating you to make your life smaller, in which case you need to stop letting it work, or he needs to learn to deal with his own children, in which case you need to make yourself not an option so he gets on with it. Whatever the cause is, you have to break the pattern by stopping responding.

How can you call him a good dad and in the same breath say you're afraid to leave them alone with him in case he damages them? The two cannot coexist. If he cannot care for his own DC without threatening or traumatising them, he's a no good very bad dad and you should remove the DC from his orbit altogether.

You poor woman.
Unfortunately this is very serious abuse of you.
It is controlling, manipulative and it absolutely is coercive control which is a crime.

He doesn't want you leaving the house.
He doesn't want to parent his children.
He wants you very stressed at even the thought of leaving the house.

This is not a good man.

Please reach out to Domestic abuse orders like Women's aid.

Don not try to convince yourself he is a good man, husband and father.

He isn't.
This is a bad man, though I understand you find that hard to believe.

Tell family and friends the truth.
Time to get support to leave this abusive relationship.

I am so sorry.

@Iamlosingmymind876 he is not a good dad!! he is a pathetic dad! how the hell does he think you manage when he is not there? do you constantly tell him to hurry up and get his ass back home? perhaps you should start doing that!

@Inmyhands no, I am worried he will shout at them. Or put headphones on and ignore them which he does, if he is particularly stressed. I don't want them being ignored, or shouted at, so I rush home.

We parent differently.

But judging by the replies, perhaps I should actually just leave him to it.

@Anothercoat I'm the person that sort of calms everything down, or I take the kids out, or he walks out. Then he feels bad. And apologizes.

I tell him not to shout at the kids. He'll tell me I'm too soft. Which I probably am.

He doesn't shout at me. He is known to talk to me as if I'm stupid sometimes. But not really shout.

The thing is he has said things in messages that are horrible about the kids. And thats what makes me panic (perhaps unnecessarily?). I'm sorry if this is a drip feed. It's not meant to be!

@LoobyLott 5 and 2

Someone who is only a good dad when you’re around, isn’t a good dad.

Someone who controls you by behaving like he does whenever you’re not with him, isn’t a good husband.

I think you need to think critically and objectively about whether he is actually ’good’ and whether you should be together.