My adult child has organised a party in my home without asking me

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My adult child is rarely at home - it can be weeks or longer between contact of any kind. They still have a bedroom to sleep in our home but mostly only show up for special occassions or when it suits them to be in our neighbourhood.

I have just discovered that they plan to hold a large party in our home while we are away for the weekend. They have been at home for the last couple of days so have had lots of opportunity to ask if that's okay but they haven't even mentioned it.

I feel really upset about it and torn about how to respond.

It will be hard to bring it up without disclosing who told me so that's also weighing on my mind.

I think given there isn't much contact I'm concerned that if I don't handle this right it will push them even further away.

But I feel really disrespected, violated and used. Had I not be forewarned about the party I would have had items lying around the house that I will now lock away.

How would you handle this?

Proudly tell him about the new CCTV you’ve installed (you will have to install CCTV) and then wait until he’s out, change the locks, and scraper to the airport.

Say your plans have changed and how grateful you are to have a quiet weekend at home. Then watch the panic.

I’d get the locks changed.

This does appeal lol

Yup. I’d be cancelling my plans and installing Ring, so I could keep an eye on any future ‘parties/events’.

I’d definitely change my plans and stay home. I’d be really upset that they hadn’t asked if it was ok.

I honestly would be cancelling my weekend away, or rescheduling if you can. This just shows a complete lack of respect on their part.
The prolonged periods of no contact… but thinks it’s okay to have a group of strangers in your home without your permission? Absolutely not.

Do you have anyone who can come and house sit. If it were my house and my DC I would be confronting them about it right away tbh.

Reschedule your trip. Change the locks. Tell your DC they have now moved out and you are disgusted that they planned a party in your home without discussing it.

I'd also be telling them you've cancelled the weekend away. Or just tell them that someone mentioned it and you told them they were wrong as you're sure they wouldn't be so rude to use someone else's house for a party without even running it past them

Another vote for happily chatting about the new Ring doorbell you’ve just purchased! Wonder if they’d be willing to help you set it up…?

Go away on a well deserved break and tell him the kindly neighbour(hood) people have been asked to keep an eye out on your house.

Change your plans. Don’t let them know. Why should you inform them?

Do you have some far-flung relatives with a particular hobby? Could you say, "oh I'd better make the beds up for Aunty Janet and Uncle John. It's the yo-yo convention in town and I said they could stay here for the weekend while we're gone. What's the matter? They're no trouble. They like a quiet night in and good gossip, so you won't be lonely".

I think you need to reframe your relationship with your adult child. They've left home, come back to see you occasionally and on special occasions. That bit is perfectly normal.

I feel you need now to redraw the boundaries. It's your home, they can sleep in your spare room when they visit, and they're welcome any time.

If there's any of their stuff still around, they can take it away, or it can go in the garage or loft in case they want it.

It seems blurred boundaries are helping them think they can still use your home as if they still lived there. And you seem as if you can't let them go and want them to still live with you and be in contact quite often, which they don't want.

Don't let your keenness for a closer relationship allow them to walk all over you.

Change the locks seems drastic, but it isn't their house anymore and whilst they're welcome, they're taking advantage, so they can arrange to visit when you're in. It's normal not to necessarily have a key to your parent's house after you've left home.

I would be staying home and asking for the key back.
This is really disrespectful, have they done this before?

second the idea of telling them your plans have changed & you’re really looking forward to Saturday night at home.

for extra effect, you could tell them you’ve invited Doris & Albert room down the road over, for a fun night in playing bridge.

Ring doorbell all the way! You’re installing it for extra security whilst you’re away so you can see any dodgy people on your app!

I think it's possible they have

I don't want to cancel my weekend away as it involves some events that I can't reschedule and I'd feel like I was punishing myself.

How did you find out?

I would tell them I know, explain that it is unacceptable and a breach of your trust and ask for the key back while you’re away.

I would say the event is cancelled, and that you'll be staying home after all. Change the locks, and install a ring doorbell too.

I really hope you’re not leaving any pets at home when you go…

The cheek of it!!

Tell them your weekend away is cancelled and watch them panic. You don't have to actually cancel it.

I assume if they don't come round for weeks at a time that they have their own place, and given they've shown zero respect for your home I'd change the locks and not give them a new key personally.