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Original poster

My adult child has organised a party in my home without asking me

196 replies

ResultsMayVary · 10/04/2025 19:05

My adult child is rarely at home - it can be weeks or longer between contact of any kind. They still have a bedroom to sleep in our home but mostly only show up for special occassions or when it suits them to be in our neighbourhood.

I have just discovered that they plan to hold a large party in our home while we are away for the weekend. They have been at home for the last couple of days so have had lots of opportunity to ask if that's okay but they haven't even mentioned it.

I feel really upset about it and torn about how to respond.

It will be hard to bring it up without disclosing who told me so that's also weighing on my mind.

I think given there isn't much contact I'm concerned that if I don't handle this right it will push them even further away.

But I feel really disrespected, violated and used. Had I not be forewarned about the party I would have had items lying around the house that I will now lock away.

How would you handle this?

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 11/04/2025 10:12

ResultsMayVary · 10/04/2025 22:39

I think it's possible they have

Show quote history

I'd be interested to know why you think this might have happened before. Has your home been damaged or possessions been broken before? If so, why didn't you address it then?

If there's never been any damage/breakages before, what's your concern this time?

I'm not saying it's OK for your kid to have a (large) party in your home without your say so (assuming by 'large' you mean dozens of people, rather than, eg, 10) - it really isn't. I'm just interested to know why you think it's happened before and what the outcome was.

I really, really don't understand why you, a grown adult parent, can't have a conversation with your own child who lives in your own home.

vandelier · 11/04/2025 10:21

Whatever the heck you decide to do, the first thing to do immediately is change the locks and say nothing. I wouldn't (and don't) give anyone a key apart from those who live here with me. Trusted neighbour has one for emergencies. Everyone else including adult family ring the doorbell or knock on the window!

They don't live there anymore. It is YOUR private space, yes they are welcome to come over any time but they must ring the doorbell first. Whether people agree with me or not - that's what I do.

Bbq1 · 11/04/2025 10:22

MissedItByThisMuch · 11/04/2025 02:29

WTF with all the ridiculous drama vultures on here urging OP to blow up her relationship with her child with immature stunts for their own amusement?? What is actually required is sitting down together and having an adult conversation around everyone’s understanding of living arrangements, responsibilities and boundaries going forwards. But that’s not nearly as entertaining.

Agreed. All the posters spouting childish "advice" along the line of telling child that Aunty Doris is coming to stay etc aren't helping. Likewise, those pp's urging Op to go to the hassle and expense of changing her locks. Maybe Op you could just talk to your child and have a conversation to set them straight.

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 10:24

Bbq1 · 11/04/2025 10:22

Agreed. All the posters spouting childish "advice" along the line of telling child that Aunty Doris is coming to stay etc aren't helping. Likewise, those pp's urging Op to go to the hassle and expense of changing her locks. Maybe Op you could just talk to your child and have a conversation to set them straight.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Paganpentacle · 11/04/2025 10:31

ResultsMayVary · 10/04/2025 22:40

I don't want to cancel my weekend away as it involves some events that I can't reschedule and I'd feel like I was punishing myself.

In that case... tell them you know.
Tell them its not happening.
tell them you're pissed off.
Job done.

vandelier · 11/04/2025 10:37

Yes talk to them and be firm about their behaviour behind your back.

However, changing the locks IMV would be the first thing I'd do since they appear to have done similar before now. How would you enjoy any time away from your home otherwise. Would you trust them on their word alone? Any adult who would invade someone's space secretly like that is not to be trusted to keep their word. End of story for me.

Isometimeswonder · 11/04/2025 10:38

How ridiculous to suggest the OP should change her plans!
@ResultsMayVary Stop worrying about how to confront them or revealing how you know...and tell them they are rude, disrespectful and they do NOT have permission.

Kipperandarthur · 11/04/2025 10:49

I think that you have to have an honest conversation about it even if you do find it uncomfortable to do so. Would there be a possibility that you will feel better about it all knowing the numbers involved and the plan? Would talking about it enable you to go away and still let the party go ahead, or do you not want a party at your house full stop? This is the crux of it for me.

Or you ignore it, go away and then face it when you return. But surely if there are numbers involved you are bound to see evidence of a party and will only then be bringing it up after the event with added resentment that's build up further since being away.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/04/2025 10:50

I see OP's not been back today, but if this is real what I'd do would be enquire "if they've got any plans" for when I was away, to find out if real deceit's involved

If they replied that a few friends might come over that would be the time for a conversation, and if they fail to mention anything firmer action might need to follow

MeridianB · 11/04/2025 11:17

Pipsquiggle · 11/04/2025 06:42

You are just going to say something like

I know about the party. I feel deeply disrespected that you haven't asked me permission. I would like you to cancel it and hold it elsewhere. If you don't do this, I will have to stay.

It's really awful OP. Sorry he's doing this

I agree with this. You don't say whether they are 22 and recently left home or 42. Either way, it's a gross abuse of trust and hugely disrespectful of you and your home.

Call them out, and lock them out if necessary. You deserve better. And if they flounce because of this then so be it. No one should become doormat to maintain a relationship.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 11/04/2025 11:48

DrummingMousWife · 10/04/2025 19:09

Say your plans have changed and how grateful you are to have a quiet weekend at home. Then watch the panic.

This is a brilliant idea

YourWildAmberSloth · 11/04/2025 12:33

You handle it by having an honest conversation with your child. Tell them that you know about the party and it isn't happening. Take your keys back, or change the locks. Point out that it's your home not a doss house and they need to show some flipping respect. Tiptoeing around because you don't want to drive them away, means that they continue walking all over you and disrespecting you. Sounds like they have already walked away, but come back to use you.

BestDIL · 11/04/2025 12:40

If you do nothing else, you need to change the locks before you go away. He is a CF!

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2025 12:46

ResultsMayVary · 10/04/2025 22:40

I don't want to cancel my weekend away as it involves some events that I can't reschedule and I'd feel like I was punishing myself.

You tell him you know.

You tell him to cancel it

You install a Ring doorbell

Manxexile · 11/04/2025 12:53

I think the most compelling reason given for kicking this party out of the park is that it could invalidate the OP's buildings and/or contents insurance.

StrangerThings1 · 11/04/2025 13:02

ResultsMayVary · 10/04/2025 19:05

My adult child is rarely at home - it can be weeks or longer between contact of any kind. They still have a bedroom to sleep in our home but mostly only show up for special occassions or when it suits them to be in our neighbourhood.

I have just discovered that they plan to hold a large party in our home while we are away for the weekend. They have been at home for the last couple of days so have had lots of opportunity to ask if that's okay but they haven't even mentioned it.

I feel really upset about it and torn about how to respond.

It will be hard to bring it up without disclosing who told me so that's also weighing on my mind.

I think given there isn't much contact I'm concerned that if I don't handle this right it will push them even further away.

But I feel really disrespected, violated and used. Had I not be forewarned about the party I would have had items lying around the house that I will now lock away.

How would you handle this?

Is it a big party or just a few friends around?

Original poster
ResultsMayVary · 11/04/2025 13:11

Sorry I was a bit overwhelmed with all the responses!

Adults child asked if they could have the party just as we were about to leave. After many promises and claims it will be a small and boring party, permission was granted. They have promised to contact me should anything go awry but I'm not expecting things to go pear shape.

I have gone away as planned and no keys were seized. I find it interesting many people are assuming they are male.

And yes I am avoidant - I come from a long line of avoidants and I know it's not the best way to live or parent. With your encouragement I have now arranged a conversation over the next couple of weeks with adult child to talk through expectations and make sure we are on the same page going forward on general not just parties. They have not officially left home, they don't have their own place as such, but are also rarely at home and things being so fuzzy does cause a lot of uncertainty and makes planning hard so yes I need to deal with it.

Thank you for all your perspectives.

OP posts:
treesandsun · 11/04/2025 13:24

Sorry saw your update after I had posted.

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 13:25

Right - so the adult's child asked? Is this your grandchild? So, is this a children's party or an adult one?

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 13:27

People were assuming the sex of your DC because you kept referring to them as "they" which may be a pronoun of choice, of course.

Iammatrix · 11/04/2025 13:28

Thank you for update! I’m so glad that you have gone away, have a great time. Hope AC enjoys party and it is so good that they finally did the right thing and asked permission.

To end on a light note, it is so good that you have not as one PP said had to ‘change all the locks, install a Ring doorbell, cut off the water, disable the toilet, change your plans, fumigate the front room, yadda yadda’ and really good to know that it is not going to be a drug party as another suggested!

Have a nice time!

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 13:34

Iammatrix · 11/04/2025 13:28

Thank you for update! I’m so glad that you have gone away, have a great time. Hope AC enjoys party and it is so good that they finally did the right thing and asked permission.

To end on a light note, it is so good that you have not as one PP said had to ‘change all the locks, install a Ring doorbell, cut off the water, disable the toilet, change your plans, fumigate the front room, yadda yadda’ and really good to know that it is not going to be a drug party as another suggested!

Have a nice time!

That was me 🤣! It just got so absurd and nonsensical, didn't it?!
I'm glad it's all ok.

vandelier · 11/04/2025 13:34

Well to be fair, the scenario as presented sounded a lot more ominous and disrespectful in comparison to the update.

KittenPause · 11/04/2025 13:36

I’d change the locks

or not go away but still change the locks

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/04/2025 13:42

That was very shitty of them to ask your permission as you were leaving, bearing in mind they've already planned the party.

I'd be making it very clear when you have this conversation on your return that you do not appreciate this disrespectful behaviour and what I can only say is taking advantage when the situation arises.

Boundaries are in dire need of setting with this "adult child".