My adult child has organised a party in my home without asking me

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My adult child is rarely at home - it can be weeks or longer between contact of any kind. They still have a bedroom to sleep in our home but mostly only show up for special occassions or when it suits them to be in our neighbourhood.

I have just discovered that they plan to hold a large party in our home while we are away for the weekend. They have been at home for the last couple of days so have had lots of opportunity to ask if that's okay but they haven't even mentioned it.

I feel really upset about it and torn about how to respond.

It will be hard to bring it up without disclosing who told me so that's also weighing on my mind.

I think given there isn't much contact I'm concerned that if I don't handle this right it will push them even further away.

But I feel really disrespected, violated and used. Had I not be forewarned about the party I would have had items lying around the house that I will now lock away.

How would you handle this?

Where does your adult child actually live? Do they think they live in your house or do they actually pay rent somewhere else? If they do pay rent somewhere else then I would be changing all the locks and installing CCTV. I would tell them quite firmly that I've heard about our plans and that if it took place you would be calling the police. They do not have the right to trample over your boundaries and take advantage of your goodwill.

You’re going to have to tell them you know. Read them the riot act and tell them to cancel the party. The cheek!

Sounds like your relationship with them isn’t the greatest. I’m sorry.

But would you have a minute’s peace if you still go away? It’s so easy for parties to get completely out of hand.

Tell DS you've had to change all the locks because you lost your keys - and just don't offer him a set. If he asks for some ask him why he needs them considering he doesn't live there anymore, and your neighbour has the spare in case of emergencies.

Total lack of respect. Change the locks and do not give a key.

That’s really cheeky of him to not even ask you.

I’d ask a friend, or ideally a couple of friends, to stay over that weekend, ‘because they’ve got last minute tickets to XYZ on Sunday morning’ or because ‘they’ve had a fleabomb done in their house and can’t go back for 48 hrs’ or something. Let them settle in with a Dine in for £15 Waitrose meal, which they’ll happily share, of course.

You don’t need to cancel your weekend, just say you’re feeling poorly so will just rest at home this weekend. Then at the last minute say you’re feeling better and off you go for your weekend (by which time the party will have been cancelled).

Just change the locks and say nothing.

How big? And how shady are their friends?

Tbh I couldn't judge this as I did this at age 18 in my parents house.

However it was only 11 people and I scrubbed the place spotless before they came home and to this day 20 years later they have no idea that happened.
It also wasn't a weekend they were gone it was two weeks and they had asked me to come and stay to keep and eye on their dogs.

So for me it would hinge on whether I believed it would get out of hand. I think if I thought my child would make sure my home was exactly how it was before hand when I arrived back then it wouldn't bother me.
It's about how much trust you have in that happening.
Did the person who told you give details of what kind of event this was going to be?

If it's a handful of friends having some drinks I'd be inclined to pretend I don't know and just let it happen and expect the place yo be perfect when I come back.
If it's some kind of large event with music and people even the child doesn't even know coming then I'd confront them and tell them ill be changing the locks.

The crux of the matter is that you can’t trust your adult DC.
Your adult DC has been deliberately deceitful and is taking advantage of your weakness in turning a blind eye, -appearing not to care a jot for you and your home.

It would be incredibly irresponsible to go away and allow this party to happen. Uninvited strangers in your home may invalidate the your insurance and the thought of being taken advantage of in this way is appalling.
You can either confront your dishonest adult DC and put a stop to it or decide not to go so that the party is scuppered at the last minute. One or the other.
For me, turning a blind eye certainly wouldn’t be an option.

Your adult DC needs a good talking to about respect and consideration for you and your home. There is no need to even mention how you know about the party. If adult DC has the audacity to ask and blame somebody else I would be even less impressed, if that’s possible, and consider wayward adult DC in even more need of tight control, no matter how old.

Don’t be afraid that DC doesn’t visit often enough, when he/she is only visiting to use your place for a party anyway. Put a stop to it OP, it’s so disrespectful.

This is genius.

But don't say it until Friday late afternoon.

First, why are you scared of your kid? It's your house.

If your kid says, Who told you? Your answer should be, It doesn't matter.
Second, change the locks; kick dc out for good; deny access to your home unless a visit is agreed upon.
Third, if this is your relationship m, then your choice is to continue as is, or to stop it now.

One of our dc did this. I only learned when I noticed the wine glasses had greasy fingerprints on them. Oh, one other time when we realized our speakers were blown.

i see you want to go - a ring doorbell is a good idea, and have you any confident friends or family you can fill in on what’s happened and arrange for them to stay?

WTF with all the ridiculous drama vultures on here urging OP to blow up her relationship with her child with immature stunts for their own amusement?? What is actually required is sitting down together and having an adult conversation around everyone’s understanding of living arrangements, responsibilities and boundaries going forwards. But that’s not nearly as entertaining.

"So, you are planning a party whilst we are away then? Why didnt you check with me first?"

"Who told you?!"

"That is irrelevant. What matters is why you think that you can do this without telling me and asking if I am ok with it".

Then how you react to that depends on the reaction to your initial enquiry.

It depends on what you mean by an adult child and where they live.

My 22 and 23 year olds still live at home. If we were away I wouldn't be bothered if they had a party - but I trust them. and they'd tell me.

My 28 year old hasn't lived at home for years but still has a bedroom here and we think of this house as his home too if he ever needed it. If he decided to have a party in my house while we were away I'd be gobsmacked - can't imagine it.

I'd just say it to your kid - we hear you are planning a party in our home. That doesn't work for us at all. on any level. don't do that. do I really need to change the locks to make sure that doesn't happen?

You're still their parent and IMO the most valuable thing you can do is model boundaries and communication, so I wouldn't play games or try to make them squirm with invented stories and I wouldn't worry about "pushing them away" with perfectly reasonable, healthy behavior. In the long run adult DC don't actually benefit from parents allowing them to treat them poorly. This isn't about their age or the fact that you're their parent because there is no situation in which it's acceptable to throw a party in someone's home without their knowledge.

Depending on who the source is you're protecting and how obvious it would be it was them (my guess is another one of your DC?) I would decide between confronting the culprit with the knowledge now or letting the party happen then confronting them after with the evidence provided to you by a neighbor or the security camera you happened to install without mentioning it. Lay down a clear boundary for your home... my own would be "I am not willing to give a key or other unsupervised access to my home and belongings to someone who I can't trust not to take advantage of that access or put my belongings at risk. Thowing a party while I'm away without speaking to me is a massive violation of that trust." Make it clear that you don't want to see them any less and they are still welcome in the home, but for the time being they need to return their key (or you are changing locks) and let you know before they come over to make sure you're home or that they have permission to be there alone. The normal consequence to abusing someone's trust is that that trust is withdrawn.

FWIW both of my brothers went through stretches in their early 20s where they were not allowed at our parents' home without express permission for similar reasons. They grew up and both have good relationships with our parents now.

Mm... on the one hand, cheeky fucker.

On the other, friends and I did this at friends house often - however, he DID live there full time and contribute (not full rent but a small contribution and mostly fed himself).

His Dad knew we had parties there, his Mum I don't think ever did. I do recall bumping into his Dad once shortly after a party (at one of my friends gigs) and he said something about it being nice that his son had some good friends who always stayed to help tidy up... and then added 'and if you really want to shift the smell of vomit off the patio, the Jeyes fluid is in the garage'.. hahaha!

Our parties were pretty sensible affairs, precious stuff was put away, no smoking allowed in the house, arseholes were ejected swiftly should they appear!

But all that said... not actually living there full time, not contributing (I assume), this feels much more 'usery' than the standard 'teenagers party when parents are away' stuff.

I'd just call my kid and yell at them saying, "WTF do you think you're doing? Of course you can't have a party at our house without even asking". And said kid would hopefully apologise or be a twat. But either way, no party would be happening.

And now I just remembered when I had a party at my parent's house when I was 21 that I'd completely forgotten about and they still don't know about. HAHA! Ignore my advice!

Ring doorbell records all comings and goings

I'm not sure that pretending ignorance and allowing them to be so disrespectful and sneaky is going to improve the relationship.

If possible, I'd try to come up with some other way of explaining how I knew about the party (to avoid 'incriminating' the person who told you), but one way or another, I think you have to address it before you leave.

If they want to have a party, they need to ask permission first. And I'd definitely be putting up a camera doorbell, now.