My adult child has organised a party in my home without asking me

[ResultsMayVary]

My adult child is rarely at home - it can be weeks or longer between contact of any kind. They still have a bedroom to sleep in our home but mostly only show up for special occassions or when it suits them to be in our neighbourhood.

I have just discovered that they plan to hold a large party in our home while we are away for the weekend. They have been at home for the last couple of days so have had lots of opportunity to ask if that's okay but they haven't even mentioned it.

I feel really upset about it and torn about how to respond.

It will be hard to bring it up without disclosing who told me so that's also weighing on my mind.

I think given there isn't much contact I'm concerned that if I don't handle this right it will push them even further away.

But I feel really disrespected, violated and used. Had I not be forewarned about the party I would have had items lying around the house that I will now lock away.

How would you handle this?

I think I’d be ok if it was a small and sensible do, just a few close friends hanging out. I’d be upset if it was anything more. Can you ask them to ask you next time, you will likely say yes to the request but need an opportunity to sort belongings.

Kindly OP, grow a spine. You house is not a hotel and if you don't want your child to have a party, tell them. You're the parent, so parent!

That’s fine, go away for your weekend, only change the locks before you go.

If you don't want to cancel your plans, how about unplugging the router and packing it in your suitcase, tripping all the fuses or flipping all the circuit breakers, and turning off the water at the shut off valve - no power, water, or internet therefore.

Fumigate the house and tell them to stay over with friends. Party can just move elsewhere.

If you say you might change your plans and leave late on Saturday evening instead that might open up the conversation in a way that doesn’t throw anyone else under the bus. Or order your online groceries to arrive at 10pm and check they’re happy to unload it etc.

If you don’t trust your DC though, that’s the main issue and it goes beyond this weekend, if you need time to process and consider what to do about that bigger problem then maybe it is best to let the weekend slide- arguing about the detail of the party may well distract from some of the more fundamental stuff anyway

If they have done it before and you haven't noticed that is pretty clever.lol I get why you would be upset though

How many bathrooms do you have?

If you only have one I think you have arranged for a plumber to take out your bathroom suite and put a new one in so there will be no toilet for 24 hours.

Ask someone else to stay that weekend? Maybe a neighbour who doesn't have much room so they are going to use your house for a dinner party.

Tell DC that you, as a surprise, have booked them a spa day / event / concert tickets for while you are away.

I think given there isn't much contact I'm concerned that if I don't handle this right it will push them even further away.

What's the back story here? They are an adult, sounds like they have mostly moved out already, why are you worried they will move out? Surely that's a good thing? If you regularly pander to them for fear of them punishing you it's hardly surprising they are so entitled that they believe it's ok to hold a party in your house without a conversation.

Tell them you know, be an adult, and put your foot down. If they move out of your house then all to the good.

Why would she say any of that? She's not ok with a party, how do you know she would say yes next time and couching it in those terms is useless in terms of setting proper boundaries.

Why on earth are you pussy footing around such disrespect?

Your events/weekend away are not more important than your house being trashed op. Cancel the weekend away.

Spend the money on changing the locks, and do not give them a key to your house.

They are welcome to stay in the guest bedroom if they wish, but they no longer have access to your home 247.

I am sensing you are nervous or afraid of them, and that is the bigger issue here.

Read the op it clearly says ‘large’ party, not a few friends hanging out. Given they don’t even live in ops house, even having friends over should be requested not organised behind ops back. It’s hideously disrespectful.

I understand you are reluctant to stand up to him given you are desperate not to upset the small contact you have.
However, you mustn't let him treat you, his parent, and your house, in such a cavalier way. How rude of him.
Bite the bullet. Tell him you know about the party. Tell him it is not acceptable, and that if he doesn't cancel it, he will no longer be welcome in your house.

This.

You don’t have to cancel. Just tell your child you have. And change your locks

Don’t cancel. Change the locks for the front and back doors. Install security cameras. Tell your adult child that they no longer live at your house and he or she can stay wherever they usually stay.

I really disagree with the suggestions that you either cancel your weekend or you tell him that you’re cancelling. This won’t stop potential future parties or deal with this disrespectful behaviour. Tell him no parties and get a ring doorbell. You don’t have to tell him more than that. Enjoy your weekend away

You are just going to say something like

I know about the party. I feel deeply disrespected that you haven't asked me permission. I would like you to cancel it and hold it elsewhere. If you don't do this, I will have to stay.

It's really awful OP. Sorry he's doing this

@ResultsMayVary just FYI, if you have a “normal” front door, changing the locks is piss-easy! A locksmith let me down once, so I googled it and saved myself a load of cash. Local hardware store sold me the lock barrels and YouTube did the rest.

I don't see the point in changing the locks, are pp saying to not let the DC enter the house anymore?
Wouldn't you speak to them first?

Op it is ok for you to have boundaries.worn the adult child. In fact the only way forward now is to have boundaries, otherwise you are going to keep being and feeling disrespected.

You need to actually talk to them. Say you've worried there's a party and your upset they haven't asked you. You don't want a party in your house and they need to cancel.

The DC will likely get annoyed at your boundary. But they could also calm down in time and it could be the start of an improved relationship.

Why isn't there open and honest communication between you? They haven't told you about the party but equally you now know about the party, suspect there have been others and still haven't said anything. This cloak and dagger approach from both of you is contributing to the low contact in your relationship.

This. The first step is to have a clear conversation with your child.

I also agree with pp that it’s quite normal for adult children to come home only when it suits them. He’s got his own life to lead now.

If you want to improve your relationship, letting him have ‘secret’ parties won’t achieve that.

Your child has a lack of regard for you. Setting some normal boundaries may help to redress that. Make it clear you are a person deserving of respect and show interest in his interests and his life. That might help improve the relationship.

It isn't very clear whether they actually live in your home but are very seldom there, or they live elsewhere and just sleep in their old bedroom when they visit you. If it is the latter, I would definitely change the locks and not give them a key.

If your house is actually their home, even though they aren't there very often, I would tell them that you are aware of their plans and you absolutely forbid it.

I'd say nothing but change the locks before you go, they're showing utter disrespect for you.

Why are they treating your house like a doss house? They've either moved out, or they haven't. Put your foot down and get your key back. This shows a complete lack of respect.