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Original poster

My adult child has organised a party in my home without asking me

196 replies

ResultsMayVary · 10/04/2025 19:05

My adult child is rarely at home - it can be weeks or longer between contact of any kind. They still have a bedroom to sleep in our home but mostly only show up for special occassions or when it suits them to be in our neighbourhood.

I have just discovered that they plan to hold a large party in our home while we are away for the weekend. They have been at home for the last couple of days so have had lots of opportunity to ask if that's okay but they haven't even mentioned it.

I feel really upset about it and torn about how to respond.

It will be hard to bring it up without disclosing who told me so that's also weighing on my mind.

I think given there isn't much contact I'm concerned that if I don't handle this right it will push them even further away.

But I feel really disrespected, violated and used. Had I not be forewarned about the party I would have had items lying around the house that I will now lock away.

How would you handle this?

OP posts:
Livingbytheocean · 11/04/2025 07:02

Those that are you saying just talk to him, just communicate are missing the central point that op does not feel she can do that. Why do you think that is?

I have adult children, as do all of my friends and they would never behave like this. We talk openly and honestly about everything. The way he drops out of contact altogether for weeks on end is odd as well.

There is a much bigger problem here. A back story that will explain op’s reluctance to even speak to her adult child about this. The party is a symptom of a much deeper issue.

Terrythefish · 11/04/2025 07:02

Tubs11 · 11/04/2025 06:52

Why isn't there open and honest communication between you? They haven't told you about the party but equally you now know about the party, suspect there have been others and still haven't said anything. This cloak and dagger approach from both of you is contributing to the low contact in your relationship.

I agree. There are clearly big issues in the relationship here, and probably back story.

This is what needs to be addressed. The secret party is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

Zanatdy · 11/04/2025 07:04

Well if one of my adult DC did this I’d be telling them they can uninvite everyone as they are not having a party in my home when i’m away. You’d be mad to just let it slide. Either that, or you tell them it needs to be scaled back and they need to ask if they can have a party in your home. I wouldn’t be risking my house for a party for young adults as we all know things get damaged, they could be rooting through your underwear drawer etc.

Coconutter24 · 11/04/2025 07:05

Where do they live when not staying with you?

Livingbytheocean · 11/04/2025 07:06

The fact op thinks it’s already happened at least once in the past, and choose to remain silent after that says it all.

In hope you are safe and well op. Perhaps you would be better telling us what is really going on.

Member984815 · 11/04/2025 07:09

Have they moved out permanently? Or are they away at university? What age are they. It shows a complete lack of respect for you. I'd be cancelling my weekend and not telling dc but just waiting until they turned up for the party . What makes dc think it's OK to do this behind your back , I'd be wondering if it's something that has happened before without my knowledge

SparklyGlitterballs · 11/04/2025 07:14

You say your child is an adult and rarely at home. It sounds as though they've effectively moved out, which is expected when they reach adulthood, so this isn't their main home any longer. Do they have their own place? Where do they live when not visiting you? I assume they're not paying towards rent/bills?

You're going to have to bite the bullet and let them know you've got wind of the party. You don't have to reveal your sources. Use that to have a wider discussion about respect and boundaries. Remind them this is your home and they don't live with you any longer so they can't make decisions to have parties there without your permission. I agree with other posters that it's time to take back that key (better still, change the barrel in the lock) and get a Ring doorbell, so you can see who is coming and going in your absence.

Fioratourer · 11/04/2025 07:23

I think the bigger issue is you’re wary of telling them you know. Obviously there is more to this story but I would be requesting a conversation straight away. If you don’t trust them change the locks.

Watermill · 11/04/2025 07:28

Yes, tell them you are ill so you have cancelled. Obviously don’t really cancel.

Or just change the locks and don’t mention it until you get back.

SuperSange · 11/04/2025 07:30

Fioratourer · 11/04/2025 07:23

I think the bigger issue is you’re wary of telling them you know. Obviously there is more to this story but I would be requesting a conversation straight away. If you don’t trust them change the locks.

This. Why can’t you just ask them what the fuck they’re playing at?

Iammatrix · 11/04/2025 07:37

Livingbytheocean · 11/04/2025 07:02

Those that are you saying just talk to him, just communicate are missing the central point that op does not feel she can do that. Why do you think that is?

I have adult children, as do all of my friends and they would never behave like this. We talk openly and honestly about everything. The way he drops out of contact altogether for weeks on end is odd as well.

There is a much bigger problem here. A back story that will explain op’s reluctance to even speak to her adult child about this. The party is a symptom of a much deeper issue.

Edited

OP, it is so sad that the relationship with your AC
has come to this and that you are reaching out to MN because you cannot talk openly with them about this.

For many this would be a very simple matter, a while ago my DD wanted to have friends stay over while we were away, a little party she said. She asked me, I said I didn’t feel comfortable because I didn’t know most of her friends, she said ok and they was that. Simple!

There must be a bigger issue at play here. Changing locks, installing spyware or lying ‘I’ve changed my plans’ does not address the problem of the relationship you have with your AC and would be behaving in a similar manner to them.

CautiousLurker01 · 11/04/2025 07:38

If I understand correctly DS doesn’t live at home, just has a room which he uses ‘when he comes home’, which is for special occasions etc. Ie he has moved out?

I appreciate that you cannot talk to him for fear of dropping someone else in it, when really you should be able to tell him that you know. So, in your shoes, I would simply state that you or DH unfortunately mislaid the door keys when out shopping recently and as there was address info with them you’re having the locks changed (and I’d get them changed just to remove ambivalence, it doesn’t cost much). And state that ‘you will give him a replacement key when he’s down for Aunt Ethel’s birthday in the summer, though, in second thoughts, he doesn’t really need one now he’s moved out’.

itsgettingweird · 11/04/2025 07:49

DrummingMousWife · 10/04/2025 19:09

Say your plans have changed and how grateful you are to have a quiet weekend at home. Then watch the panic.

Love this!!!!

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 11/04/2025 07:50

When you say adult child , how old are you talking?

Do they live at Uni or do they have their own house?

I agree with the ring doorbell. I would just casually ask if they have any plans for the weekend and see if they tell you or not. If they don't I would ask anyone popping round to see you? if they still don't tell you I would call them out on it.

Are we talking 4-5 friends round or a full on party?

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 11/04/2025 07:51

I feel like this needs more context. How old is the adult child? 18? 25? 30?

I would install a ring doorbell today before leaving. Then see what happens and have words about it.

EdithBond · 11/04/2025 07:55

Mmm, totally get you on how to broach it without making someone (assume their sibling) looking like a snitch. I have three DC and have this all the time. I know if I let slip one’s snitched to me, they’ll never tell me things again. And I’d rather know. So I never let on.

The way I’d deal with it is to directly ask: “Are you planning on having anyone over while I’m away”. Let them lie to you. Then say: “OK, thank you. Because I don’t want anyone else here. So, I’d rather you went out with friends rather than have anyone over. Hope that’s OK”.

That way, you’ve made your position absolutely clear. If they ask why you’re saying it (suspecting the snitch), just say: “Well, you don’t really live here any more, so you’re more of a guest now. So don’t want you thinking you can treat it like your house”. Then laugh. Humour always helps.

If they have any respect for you, the party will be cancelled at that point: “Sorry guys, my mum’s said I can’t have anyone over”.

However, I’d ask a neighbour or local friend to keep an eye. If a friend, could they pop by around 10pm (or later if it’s not too much). Wait to see if people are arriving or if it sounds like a party’s going on. Then, ideally, knock on the door and ask for you, because something urgent’s happened (they don’t need to say what, can act like it’s personal).

If your DS has gone ahead with a party after you’d asked for them to have no one over, they’ve completely breached your trust and disrespected you. You should make this very clear. At that point I’d change the lock barrel (without telling them) and refuse to give them a key if they ask. They’re always welcome to stay or live with you. But as a guest without a key, until or unless trust can be won back.

ArtTheClown · 11/04/2025 07:59

You sound almost scared of them, at least on eggshells. Why are you letting them abuse your home like this?

Ultravox · 11/04/2025 08:00

I’d tell them that you’d heard there was a party planned and it was not to go ahead under any circumstance. If a party does go ahead then you’ll be removing their keys and they will only be able to stay in the house if you are here.

Go on your weekend but install a ring doorbell or prime a neighbour to call the police if it kicks off.

Jiggedyjig · 11/04/2025 08:07

Can you change the locks and get a ring camera?

EdithBond · 11/04/2025 08:08

Adding that I live with my teen/adult DC and we’re close. I love parties and wouldn’t mind if they had one while I was away, as long as they were respectful to our home and our neighbours. My eldest had a party for their 18th at our home, while I stayed with a nearby friend for the night.

However. If I found out they’d had a party without asking me, I’d be very disappointed and angry. It’s basic respect and trust.

diddl · 11/04/2025 08:13

So have they actually moved out?

Even so, this shows how little they think of you.

MummaMummaMumma · 11/04/2025 08:14

Tell them you're not going away now, even if you do go. Don't share future plans with him.
Ring doorbell for sure! Plus I'd put inside video surveillance too.
He's moved out and being truly awful to you.
You also need a discussion about how that's unacceptable.

londongirl12 · 11/04/2025 08:19

For goodness sake, don’t change your plans!! Just talk to them like a normal person. “I’ve heard you’re having a party at the weekend and I just want to talk about it”. And let them tell you. Is it just a few friends or a full on rave? And then make a judgement from there as to whether you’ll allow it.

GeorgianaM · 11/04/2025 08:19

You'd rather your home get trashed and items stolen than risk upsetting them?

Riaanna · 11/04/2025 08:21

Would you let them if they asked?