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Original poster

My adult child has organised a party in my home without asking me

196 replies

ResultsMayVary · 10/04/2025 19:05

My adult child is rarely at home - it can be weeks or longer between contact of any kind. They still have a bedroom to sleep in our home but mostly only show up for special occassions or when it suits them to be in our neighbourhood.

I have just discovered that they plan to hold a large party in our home while we are away for the weekend. They have been at home for the last couple of days so have had lots of opportunity to ask if that's okay but they haven't even mentioned it.

I feel really upset about it and torn about how to respond.

It will be hard to bring it up without disclosing who told me so that's also weighing on my mind.

I think given there isn't much contact I'm concerned that if I don't handle this right it will push them even further away.

But I feel really disrespected, violated and used. Had I not be forewarned about the party I would have had items lying around the house that I will now lock away.

How would you handle this?

OP posts:
Ilovenutellaaaaa · 11/04/2025 08:27

Just change the locks op and don't tell them....if they can't get in your house, they can't have a party there...

WeirdyBeardyMarrowBabyLady · 11/04/2025 08:28

mnahmnah · 10/04/2025 22:42

I would tell them I know, explain that it is unacceptable and a breach of your trust and ask for the key back while you’re away.

This. They’re an adult and no need to play silly games. You say you’re now aware and that you don’t consent to it happening. They agree to cancel or you’ll call the police if it goes ahead. Depending on the wider context and your relationship I would consider asking them to leave and removing their key. Don’t cancel your weekend.

pimplebum · 11/04/2025 08:29

let son know you have hired a professional house sitter who is instructed to call the police use their advanced karate skills on anyone who enters the house and ( ring doorbell )

but your long term problem is more tricky , you do not have a good relationship with him and he is using you , you are afraid to be assertive with him out of fear , I am guessing this started a while back and won’t be a quick fix but going forward I’d make that your top priority when you come back

Purplecatshopaholic · 11/04/2025 08:32

Why are you putting up with this? It’s unacceptable behaviour and you need to call them out! If you are not happy with them doing this - and who would be, they should at least have the respect to ask - you need to say no, this party is not happening as it’s my house!

Greenkindness · 11/04/2025 08:33

I would get the Ring doorbell and have an honest calm conversation to address that you know.

He’s in the wrong here, not the person that divulged it.

If you can’t get the doorbell I would have someone to stay or pop in. He acts like an immature child, he gets treated like an immature child.

All it would have taken was a simple conversation from him.

LadyInRainbow · 11/04/2025 08:35

Maybe just tell them you’re cancelling watch them scarper and go and buy a ring door bell. Could you tell them you aren’t staying away anymore and will be home to sleep?

muggart · 11/04/2025 08:42

Do you have a friendly neighbour who can report back if it goes ahead?

Nextdoor55 · 11/04/2025 08:46

Oh I'd definitely say you know about the party & then say you're up for it, & bringing all your friends.

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 08:47

Oh my goodness. If you have an adult DC, who partly lives with you and has a key - talk to them.
Don't change all the locks, install a Ring doorbell, cut off the water, disable the toilet, change your plans, fumigate the front room, yadda yadda.
Just talk to them.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 11/04/2025 08:49

I've heard of people having unsanctioned rowdy parties in airbnb houses but to attempt a stealth party at your Mum's when you've moved out seems particularly underhand.

If he wants a party at yours, he has to be upfront about it and ask for permission. Otherwise he can party at his new primary residence. Your home is your home, not his party joint.

Alondra · 11/04/2025 08:50

ResultsMayVary · 10/04/2025 22:40

I don't want to cancel my weekend away as it involves some events that I can't reschedule and I'd feel like I was punishing myself.

You don't need to cancel your weekend but you need to speak up and make clear to him, the party is unacceptable.

It's your home. If your adult son can't understand why you don't want a party happening in your house while you are away, you have bigger problems with your son than just the party.

Offtobuttonmoontovisitmrspoon · 11/04/2025 08:52

You don’t have to not go but tell him you aren’t. See if he comes clean.
That way you don’t have to disclose that you already know.

I wouldn’t like it. My adult dc have had parties here but we are asked if it’s ok.

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 08:53

Alondra · 11/04/2025 08:50

You don't need to cancel your weekend but you need to speak up and make clear to him, the party is unacceptable.

It's your home. If your adult son can't understand why you don't want a party happening in your house while you are away, you have bigger problems with your son than just the party.

Show quote history

Exactly this ⬆️

FrenchandSaunders · 11/04/2025 08:57

I’m confused by this. Do they still live at home and sofa surf with friends etc most of the time? Or have they moved out properly?

I’m getting the vibe it’s the former, possibly involving drugs/being irresponsible … in which case no way would they be throwing a party in my house.

Genevieva · 11/04/2025 08:58

If you can’t / won’t confront him you need another plan. Get Blink and Ring doorbell on Amazon - cameras and alarm. Affordable. Easy to install. Has an app on your phone so you can see inside your house. Tell him about it and say you have a friend who is staying for the weekend. Ideally have someone on hand for that purpose. Make up any old excuse - friend is having major plumbing work done and won’t have water. It’s a white lie to protect your home.

Easipeelerie · 11/04/2025 09:01

He sounds that underhand that if the locks were changed, he’d break in to open the house up.
He is so disrespectful and deceitful, I would make it crystal clear to him that he is not having a party at yours and it’s no longer his home.

Lillers · 11/04/2025 09:02

It’s unclear from the wording of your OP as to whether they actually live with you, ie have no other permanent address. If it’s blurry then you need to unblur the boundaries. If this is their home too, then a conversation about what is and isn’t acceptable, about boundaries and responsibilities. If it’s not, then tell them to stay out of your home while you’re away and give up their key because you can’t trust them.

I know you say you’re worried about pushing them further away, but honestly you should be more worried about letting them walk all over you in the name of maintaining a relationship.

localnotail · 11/04/2025 09:05

ResultsMayVary · 10/04/2025 22:40

I don't want to cancel my weekend away as it involves some events that I can't reschedule and I'd feel like I was punishing myself.

Tell them a friend wated a "staycation" and will be staying the in the house with their partner family/ dogs.

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 09:06

localnotail · 11/04/2025 09:05

Tell them a friend wated a "staycation" and will be staying the in the house with their partner family/ dogs.

Show quote history

Why all the lies?

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 11/04/2025 09:07

Yes, the advice depends very much on whether they actually have another address or not and if they are officially still residing with you whether they are contributing towards bills etc.

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 09:07

Easipeelerie · 11/04/2025 09:01

He sounds that underhand that if the locks were changed, he’d break in to open the house up.
He is so disrespectful and deceitful, I would make it crystal clear to him that he is not having a party at yours and it’s no longer his home.

Really? If it's that bad then there needs to be some serious conversations and actions. Just continuous lying isn't going to solve the problem.

Iammatrix · 11/04/2025 09:13

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 09:06

Why all the lies?

Show quote history

I don’t understand why the overall consensus is to lie. He is, by not telling OP, being deceitful. How will OP, weaving a web of deceit in return address the situation. This is real life not a tv plot.

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 09:16

Iammatrix · 11/04/2025 09:13

I don’t understand why the overall consensus is to lie. He is, by not telling OP, being deceitful. How will OP, weaving a web of deceit in return address the situation. This is real life not a tv plot.

Show quote history

I know. I don't get it.
Oh, what a complex web we weave...

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 11/04/2025 09:20

Say to him "So Bob, as you know we're going away this weekend and you're welcome to stay in the house if you like. But if you were to organise a party in my house while I was away, I would be so sad and disappointed, and frankly quite angry. You'd never do that, right?" and see what they say. Hopefully they'll come clean and cancel the whole thing.

Birdist · 11/04/2025 09:20

I think you need to reframe your relationship with your adult child. They've left home, come back to see you occasionally and on special occasions. That bit is perfectly normal.

I agree with this.

For the rest, just say you know and tell them that it's not ok. I've no idea why people are suggesting all this nonsense about cancelling your trip or installing CCTV.