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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My adult child has organised a party in my home without asking me

196 replies

ResultsMayVary · 10/04/2025 19:05

My adult child is rarely at home - it can be weeks or longer between contact of any kind. They still have a bedroom to sleep in our home but mostly only show up for special occassions or when it suits them to be in our neighbourhood.

I have just discovered that they plan to hold a large party in our home while we are away for the weekend. They have been at home for the last couple of days so have had lots of opportunity to ask if that's okay but they haven't even mentioned it.

I feel really upset about it and torn about how to respond.

It will be hard to bring it up without disclosing who told me so that's also weighing on my mind.

I think given there isn't much contact I'm concerned that if I don't handle this right it will push them even further away.

But I feel really disrespected, violated and used. Had I not be forewarned about the party I would have had items lying around the house that I will now lock away.

How would you handle this?

OP posts:
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 11/04/2025 09:21

They would obviously guess someone told you though. 😄But at least they have the option to confess and make it right.

giantpurplepeopleeater3 · 11/04/2025 09:21

Change the locks and go on holiday.

madaboutpurple · 11/04/2025 09:27

Ask your DC to arrange holding their party at a pub or event place.

Tessasanderson · 11/04/2025 09:31

I know it can happen but why has family communications broken down to the extent a mother cant have an adult conversation with her adult son.

I believe you are planning a party at my house (your home) at the weekend. I am sorry but that isnt acceptable for me. Unfortunately for you, you are going to have to cancel. The consequences of ignoring my decision are that you will no longer be welcome in my house. Are we clear about this? Just in case we are not, i will be asking a friend to stay over for the weekend to ensure there are no issues.

In future you ask me if you want a party and we can agree to some groundrules if i decide its acceptable.

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 09:32

Tessasanderson · 11/04/2025 09:31

I know it can happen but why has family communications broken down to the extent a mother cant have an adult conversation with her adult son.

I believe you are planning a party at my house (your home) at the weekend. I am sorry but that isnt acceptable for me. Unfortunately for you, you are going to have to cancel. The consequences of ignoring my decision are that you will no longer be welcome in my house. Are we clear about this? Just in case we are not, i will be asking a friend to stay over for the weekend to ensure there are no issues.

In future you ask me if you want a party and we can agree to some groundrules if i decide its acceptable.

Edited

This ⬆️

interestedwhy · 11/04/2025 09:35

How old is this adult child ? I think it makes a big difference whether they are 19 or 25 - as to how you handle it ? It’s disrespectful either way but teens have been having parties since the beginning of time when their parents are away

Icanttakethisanymore · 11/04/2025 09:35

ResultsMayVary · 10/04/2025 22:40

I don't want to cancel my weekend away as it involves some events that I can't reschedule and I'd feel like I was punishing myself.

Then you have 3 choices -

Change the locks
Speak to him
Accept that the party is going to happen and go anyway

Flossflower · 11/04/2025 09:40

You are worried about pushing him away !!

How about teaching him common courtesy. How about teaching him the correct way to behave.

Agree with everyone else.

Tell him no and change the locks. He shouldn’t have a key if he can’t be trusted.

Laughingdoggo · 11/04/2025 09:42

Change the locks????????

This is a brilliant way to isolate, insult and humiliate your adult child.

Instead have a grown up conversation.

And also this is somewhat nuanced. Do you own a Saltburn style manorial pile? Let them get on with it - they probably didn’t want to worry you or have you there fussing.

Laughingdoggo · 11/04/2025 09:43

Flossflower · 11/04/2025 09:40

You are worried about pushing him away !!

How about teaching him common courtesy. How about teaching him the correct way to behave.

Agree with everyone else.

Tell him no and change the locks. He shouldn’t have a key if he can’t be trusted.

How about basic communication, which runs both ways.

AgentJohnson · 11/04/2025 09:45

Dear God! It’s your home, get them to hand back their key and let them know how disappointed you are that they would abuse your trust like this. I wouldn’t bother with cancelling plans and installing Ring cameras, why should you be inconvenienced because of their CFuckery.

StScholastica · 11/04/2025 09:47

I've got 3 adult DC who all still have rooms here and come and go. To be honest I wouldn't mind them hosting a party here as I know their friends and they are all lovely people. However it's unfathomable to me that they wouldn't ask permission first.
It makes me question what sort of a party your DC is planning if they know you won't approve of it. I'm betting there will be Drugs and, call me old fashioned but that would be an absolute no from me.

Cesarina · 11/04/2025 09:48

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 09:32

This ⬆️

Show quote history

Seconded!

CatG021024 · 11/04/2025 09:49

I would just be honest, try not to be overtly angry but say you are disappointed, they know it's wrong as they've not told you. Tip toeing around this is not going to resolve the underlying issues within your relationship or protect your home.

StScholastica · 11/04/2025 09:50

To be honest, You sound afraid of your DC.
Ask yourself why that is? Are they likely to kick off at you or are you afraid that they will walk out of your life?
Either way you probably have to demand respect to receive it.

Azureshores · 11/04/2025 09:52

Can you get a house sitter? At the very least you need to change the locks and install a couple of cheap Bluetooth security cameras from Amazon and then drop it into conversation with your dc (tell them you've had an attempted burglary.)

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 09:53

Azureshores · 11/04/2025 09:52

Can you get a house sitter? At the very least you need to change the locks and install a couple of cheap Bluetooth security cameras from Amazon and then drop it into conversation with your dc (tell them you've had an attempted burglary.)

Why lie, though?

TumbledTussocks · 11/04/2025 09:54

How old is your adult child OP?

Azureshores · 11/04/2025 09:55

On second thoughts I agree you should be straight with them, it's a bit ridiculous that you can't.

My dd did this when she was about 17 - we found out (I overheard her planning it and eavesdropped at her door lol) and her face as we were leaving and granny and grandad pulled into the drive to babysit was hilarious 😆

localnotail · 11/04/2025 09:55

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 09:06

Why all the lies?

Show quote history

Because OP seems incapable of telling her DC not to do it for the fear of ruining their relationship (even though it looks ruined already)? Otherwise, why post on here - seems like a simple enough situation.

HappydaysArehere · 11/04/2025 09:56

Just tell them you have heard they are planning a party. Is this true? If it is they can cancel it. Tell them that the only parties held in your home are ones you and your dh plan. Then add you can’t believe that they thought it was okay to do such a thing. No pussy footing around, changing plans and locks. Why the hell should you?

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 09:57

localnotail · 11/04/2025 09:55

Because OP seems incapable of telling her DC not to do it for the fear of ruining their relationship (even though it looks ruined already)? Otherwise, why post on here - seems like a simple enough situation.

Show quote history

Well, I don't think lying is going to deal with the problem. Lies compounding lies.
If she can't talk to him/her/them, then that's a massive problem to unpick.

NerrSnerr · 11/04/2025 09:58

You need to tell them you know about the party, if they ask how you know tell them that isn't relevant.

I don't think you should play silly games with changing the locks, pretending you're not going etc. Just tell them you know.

Do they actually have their own house and how old are they?

TeeBee · 11/04/2025 09:59

Yep, I'd be paying for a house sitter and definitely get a security camera. They're not expensive (I can recommend Eufy).

I was affronted this week because my adult children are home from uni and felt the need to ask whether they could have a bag of crisps from the cupboard. There's a middle ground somewhere kids!

Braygirlnow · 11/04/2025 10:10

ResultsMayVary · 10/04/2025 19:05

My adult child is rarely at home - it can be weeks or longer between contact of any kind. They still have a bedroom to sleep in our home but mostly only show up for special occassions or when it suits them to be in our neighbourhood.

I have just discovered that they plan to hold a large party in our home while we are away for the weekend. They have been at home for the last couple of days so have had lots of opportunity to ask if that's okay but they haven't even mentioned it.

I feel really upset about it and torn about how to respond.

It will be hard to bring it up without disclosing who told me so that's also weighing on my mind.

I think given there isn't much contact I'm concerned that if I don't handle this right it will push them even further away.

But I feel really disrespected, violated and used. Had I not be forewarned about the party I would have had items lying around the house that I will now lock away.

How would you handle this?

Don't you dare hide things...this means you're thinking of allowing it, just say plans have changed and you'll be home all weekend and ask if he is planning to stay as you'd like some help clearing out the shed/attic whatever. That'll get him gone.