My adult child has organised a party in my home without asking me

[ResultsMayVary]

My adult child is rarely at home - it can be weeks or longer between contact of any kind. They still have a bedroom to sleep in our home but mostly only show up for special occassions or when it suits them to be in our neighbourhood.

I have just discovered that they plan to hold a large party in our home while we are away for the weekend. They have been at home for the last couple of days so have had lots of opportunity to ask if that's okay but they haven't even mentioned it.

I feel really upset about it and torn about how to respond.

It will be hard to bring it up without disclosing who told me so that's also weighing on my mind.

I think given there isn't much contact I'm concerned that if I don't handle this right it will push them even further away.

But I feel really disrespected, violated and used. Had I not be forewarned about the party I would have had items lying around the house that I will now lock away.

How would you handle this?

I think it’s rude telling you about the party just as you were leaving giving you no time to consider whether this was something you felt comfortable with. You did say ‘large party’ and that they very often don’t even bother speaking to you. There is much more to this but you seem to want to keep your head in the sand, so if your house is trashed it’s on you now op.

When you get back, Ring doorbell and change the locks. I hope there’s no damage. Don’t be afraid to challenge him, he sounds like he’s just walking all over you.

Of course they're promising it will be a "small and boring party". They are hardly going to say it will be on a scale equalled only by the last days of the Roman Empire, are they?

I wonder how the person who told you originally got the idea that it was going to be a "large party".

It’s helpful they’ve raised it- now if there is any damage or noise or issues you can have a really open conversation when you’re back without having to wade through a lot of troublesome ‘who told you’ distractions.

No, they assumed it was a he and that he was being abusive because that's what MN does. It's very interesting to find out it wasn't a male and how everyone assumed it was. Sad really.

Yes it seemed like a lot of drama that would have caused even more drama. And would have impacted a second person who lives there even though they've done nothing at all.

I didn't want to answers to be swayed by gender but it seems there was no way to avoid that.

They explained in great detail why it would be a small party.

The party is related to a group activity and previous parties have been large and gone on very late (early). This party will involve only part of the group after a very long day.

In some ways let this be a lesson to MNetters. Less is more! @ResultsMayVary got there in the end.

OMG, your name!

Fair enough, but it's very telling how everyone made that assumption. Sad and interesting

Yes it was rude to ask me way too late and I assume well after invites went out! They have apologised and I will be making it clear in the future that without appropriate notice the answer is no

As a person they just aren't very open. They've always been that way even as a very small child. I've tried to encourage more openness but so far with no success.

With other DC there is open communication and things are much clearer and easier. But they are a very different person and again have always been like that.

I used to be fearful about what could happen to the house during parties but so far no disaster has happened. I would have felt uncomfortable if I didn't have a chance to put away my laptop etc

Well hopefully they have an income, in case the house is trashed or the carpets ruined.

Maybe I have been to too many house parties where things have got out of hand and escalated exceedingly quickly, the thought of a party happening in my home without me there now gives me hives. I hope your house is okay op!

I`m back home.

The house is relatively neat. Rubbish in bins although not put out for collection.

My source tells me that it was a medium sized party and 'not too bad'

Party thrower has left and no communication at all re party

I will catch up with them within the next couple of weeks and talk through a few things.

It was really helpful getting other people's perspectives. I was surprised at how many people suggested changing the locks!

Yiu have to accept your DS has left home. More importantly, he does too.

You describe yourself as avoidant but the avoidant person here is your ADULT DC who invited people to a party in a house THEY DON’T LIVE IN!!! You’re not the problem here! Don’t go down the road of worrying that you modelled x behaviour when rearing them.

“Party thrower has left and no communication at all re party”

They need to seriously learn respect, boundaries and manners.

If only it was that clear. They aren't renting elsewhere. It's one of the things we need to talk through.

Them moving out would make my life much easier in many ways.

You have a massive problem on your hands.

ts not okay for most people to have their houses used by adult dc as a party venue and then leave without a word. It sounds a lot like contempt to me.

Your adult dc has zero respect for you, zero respect for your house. Change the locks, and start putting in some boundaries and insist on basic courtesy and respect within the relationship.

So they don't really live with but used your place for a party?

Bloody cheek!

But where do they live, if not renting elsewhere?