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Original poster

Rejection sensitivity ruining things?

193 replies

TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 08:33

Hubby and I have been together a while. But things currently aren’t great.

I feel my rejection sensitivity is ruining everything. I’ll try to keep it brief…

Hubby is self employed and I’m employed. He works around being SAHD (two days a week). I have our children the three days a week (weekend and one week day) when he works - plus two days when they’re in nursery.

Im finding it tricky to get everything done around the house. I cook every meal and prepare lunches for everyone each morning. But unfortunately I can’t seem to make it work. I’m Cosleeping with one of the little ones who wakes multiple times during the night. Hubby used to do bedtime allowing me to start cooking. But he says he needs more time so I changed my routine and now do bedtime.

an average day for me is

Alarm at 5am
shower and get ready (if the cosleeper is still asleep!)
Make packed lunches and breakfast
leave for work at 8am
Hubby does the nursery run at 8am two days a week
I come home from work at 5/5:30 depending on meetings.
Make children’s tea
Do bath time and bedtime
Make hubby’s and my tea
Eat and watch some TV

Some mornings hubby hasn’t managed to shower which is why I changed my alarm to half an hour earlier. I know it’s my fault if cosleeper wakes up. I try to take that kiddie in the bathroom with me but it’s tricky.

I’ve had to impose some rules on myself based on what he’s said has been bothering him. I know I’m not the perfect wife or mother but I am trying. I leave my phone away from me and don’t reply to messages from colleagues while we are watching TV together. He was frustrated that I was “doing work” in the evenings as well as at work. I understand that and have acted on it to make things better.

he says he has no life so I’ve stopped doing my fitness class to allow him time to do a hobby perhaps. He hasn’t started anything yet but appreciates that he now has more time to do so.

because I’m exhausted from doing all the night wakes and bedtimes etc, I now go to bed a lot earlier. This doesn’t really make much difference as I think cosleeper senses I’m there and wakes earlier.

My stomach hurts so much and I know it’s linked to rejection sensitivity - I’ve felt this way on and off since childhood. My insecurities are ruining everything and I just can’t cope. I cry so much and feel like I’m forever making mistakes. I say sorry but he often doesn’t respond. I know he’s fed up with me creating problems. I just don’t know how to cope with my rejection sensitivity and make this relationship work.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 10/04/2025 08:41

Go back to your fitness class. He does not want to parent his children even if they are asleep.

How the hell can he not find time to shower if the bathroom is empty by 5.30 am?

Your stomach might not hurt so much and you might not cry so much if he wasn’t around to keep making you feel awful. I bet at work you are intelligent, capable and a vital part of your team.

But if you feeling awful is what keeps him happy, he’s not the man for you. I reckon that he doesn’t keep the women he works with in tears and walking on eggshells. Just you.

Maitri108 · 10/04/2025 08:46

I don't understand what's going on. Why isn't your husband pulling his weight? Why are you doing everything?

You sound stressed and overwhelmed, the knot in your stomach is anxiety. Where does your rejection sensitivity come in?

I’ve had to impose some rules on myself based on what he’s said has been bothering him.

Is he making changes on what's bothering you? Why did you give up your class?

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 08:48

TheSandgroper · 10/04/2025 08:41

Go back to your fitness class. He does not want to parent his children even if they are asleep.

How the hell can he not find time to shower if the bathroom is empty by 5.30 am?

Your stomach might not hurt so much and you might not cry so much if he wasn’t around to keep making you feel awful. I bet at work you are intelligent, capable and a vital part of your team.

But if you feeling awful is what keeps him happy, he’s not the man for you. I reckon that he doesn’t keep the women he works with in tears and walking on eggshells. Just you.

He doesn’t always get up early. Sometimes it’s an hour and a half after I have.

he works by himself so there are no other people around. I think this adds to his loneliness and why he says he has no life.

I have got two social events planned for the rest of the year with a friend but generally don’t go out. My chats with work colleagues on an evening felt almost part of my social life so I am missing that.

I won’t go back to my fitness class as I said I would give him that time. It’s only fair.

I did forget to mention that I have to give him as much time as possible because he isnt
anle to contribute financially very often. I am working as much as I can to make things work but it is tricky as I’m on the go night and day. But if I don’t give him the time, the money will never come, will it?

OP posts:
Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 08:49

Maitri108 · 10/04/2025 08:46

I don't understand what's going on. Why isn't your husband pulling his weight? Why are you doing everything?

You sound stressed and overwhelmed, the knot in your stomach is anxiety. Where does your rejection sensitivity come in?

I’ve had to impose some rules on myself based on what he’s said has been bothering him.

Is he making changes on what's bothering you? Why did you give up your class?

He works really hard. He does all the washing in the household. I pay for a cleaner to ease the load for myself a little bit, which does make a difference. I can’t keep up otherwise.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 10/04/2025 08:51

TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 08:49

He works really hard. He does all the washing in the household. I pay for a cleaner to ease the load for myself a little bit, which does make a difference. I can’t keep up otherwise.

Show quote history

You say he's a SAHD two days a week. Can't he do anything then? Clean, batch cook, admin etc?

TheSandgroper · 10/04/2025 08:53

Then he can fucking set an alarm , just like you do.

If your fitness class is once a week, he has 6 more nights to do whatever hobby doesn’t involve sitting on the couch scrolling on his phone.

@TopazSlinky Go back to your fitness class. And use the time away from him to have a clear eyed look at your life.

TheSandgroper · 10/04/2025 08:54

My dad worked by himself. He joined Rotary.

TheCurious0range · 10/04/2025 08:55

So he doesn't work much, doesn't contribute financially, doesn't do morning or evening routine with the children, doesn't cook, doesn't clean you have to pay for a cleaner, he does the washing and complains about you talking to other people and going to a fitness class once a week. What does he add to your life?

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 08:56

Maitri108 · 10/04/2025 08:51

You say he's a SAHD two days a week. Can't he do anything then? Clean, batch cook, admin etc?

Show quote history

It’s really difficult to do that when the kids are around as they are super clingy. He also does an activity with them one of those days.

I have them three days a week, so I should be doing the lion’s share anyway.

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 10/04/2025 08:56

Also he works 3 days a week when you are off, and then the children also go to nursery, What's he doing while they are at nursery?

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 08:57

TheSandgroper · 10/04/2025 08:53

Then he can fucking set an alarm , just like you do.

If your fitness class is once a week, he has 6 more nights to do whatever hobby doesn’t involve sitting on the couch scrolling on his phone.

@TopazSlinky Go back to your fitness class. And use the time away from him to have a clear eyed look at your life.

He does sometimes and will sometimes allow me to go back to bed and get some more sleep, which does help. Usually twenty minutes can make a big difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 08:57

TheCurious0range · 10/04/2025 08:56

Also he works 3 days a week when you are off, and then the children also go to nursery, What's he doing while they are at nursery?

He works

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 10/04/2025 08:57

Can you clarify how many days he works and how many days he had the children by himself. It's not clear. I read it as he only works 3 days a week but maybe it's five

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 08:57

TheCurious0range · 10/04/2025 08:55

So he doesn't work much, doesn't contribute financially, doesn't do morning or evening routine with the children, doesn't cook, doesn't clean you have to pay for a cleaner, he does the washing and complains about you talking to other people and going to a fitness class once a week. What does he add to your life?

I love him! He’s my person.

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 10/04/2025 08:58

TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 08:57

I love him! He’s my person.

Show quote history

Why? Do you have low self esteem? He doesn't treat you very nicely

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 08:58

TheCurious0range · 10/04/2025 08:57

Can you clarify how many days he works and how many days he had the children by himself. It's not clear. I read it as he only works 3 days a week but maybe it's five

He has them two days a week and has the rest of the week to do his self-employed work… but it’s not regular so some weeks are busier than others.

OP posts:
Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 08:59

TheCurious0range · 10/04/2025 08:58

Why? Do you have low self esteem? He doesn't treat you very nicely

Show quote history

I’ve been rejection sensitive from a very young age because of some childhood issues.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2025 09:01

Your H needs more time to deal with what exactly?. He has it made with you whilst you run around making everybody’s lunch and doing other stuff in the three hours before you go to work. Stop making his lunch, he should be more than capable of making his own.

Does he actually want to parent his kids at all?. And if self employment is not working then he needs steadier employment. I would seriously consider too if f this man is indeed your Mr Right.

And return to your exercise class.

Maitri108 · 10/04/2025 09:02

TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 08:56

It’s really difficult to do that when the kids are around as they are super clingy. He also does an activity with them one of those days.

I have them three days a week, so I should be doing the lion’s share anyway.

Show quote history

But they're super clingy so you can't be expected to do anything either. See how this works?

mushroomushroom · 10/04/2025 09:02

This really sounds like a husband problem, not a you problem, and I'm sorry he's twisted things around so much that you feel like you're to blame for his poor behaviour. He's got you running yourself ragged AND feeling bad about it to boot! He doesn't sound like a very nice husband 😔

Shortpoet · 10/04/2025 09:03

Is rejection sensitivity something you’ve been formally diagnosed with. Who gave you that label?
What actually happens with it?

Are you sure it’s not a normal human reaction to what is happening around you?
It must be frustrating to give up one if the few things you enjoy and not have that gift of time used. I’d be pretty narky if that happened to me.

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 09:03

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2025 09:01

Your H needs more time to deal with what exactly?. He has it made with you whilst you run around making everybody’s lunch and doing other stuff in the three hours before you go to work. Stop making his lunch, he should be more than capable of making his own.

Does he actually want to parent his kids at all?. And if self employment is not working then he needs steadier employment. I would seriously consider too if f this man is indeed your Mr Right.

And return to your exercise class.

He enjoys the time he spends with them while I’m at work. He has been working hard on the business.

OP posts:
Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 09:04

Shortpoet · 10/04/2025 09:03

Is rejection sensitivity something you’ve been formally diagnosed with. Who gave you that label?
What actually happens with it?

Are you sure it’s not a normal human reaction to what is happening around you?
It must be frustrating to give up one if the few things you enjoy and not have that gift of time used. I’d be pretty narky if that happened to me.

Edited

It’s linked to some things that happened in my childhood. Have spoken to people about it throughout my life. Basically it makes me anxious about people leaving me. Or people not seeing me as the person I work so hard to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 09:06

Maitri108 · 10/04/2025 09:02

But they're super clingy so you can't be expected to do anything either. See how this works?

Show quote history

That’s why I got a cleaner. It helps me out a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 09:06

mushroomushroom · 10/04/2025 09:02

This really sounds like a husband problem, not a you problem, and I'm sorry he's twisted things around so much that you feel like you're to blame for his poor behaviour. He's got you running yourself ragged AND feeling bad about it to boot! He doesn't sound like a very nice husband 😔

I know he’s right and that these flaws of mine make things really difficult for other people. I am working hard on myself though.

OP posts: