Rejection sensitivity ruining things?

[TopazSlinky]

Hubby and I have been together a while. But things currently aren’t great.

I feel my rejection sensitivity is ruining everything. I’ll try to keep it brief…

Hubby is self employed and I’m employed. He works around being SAHD (two days a week). I have our children the three days a week (weekend and one week day) when he works - plus two days when they’re in nursery.

Im finding it tricky to get everything done around the house. I cook every meal and prepare lunches for everyone each morning. But unfortunately I can’t seem to make it work. I’m Cosleeping with one of the little ones who wakes multiple times during the night. Hubby used to do bedtime allowing me to start cooking. But he says he needs more time so I changed my routine and now do bedtime.

an average day for me is

Alarm at 5am
shower and get ready (if the cosleeper is still asleep!)
Make packed lunches and breakfast
leave for work at 8am
Hubby does the nursery run at 8am two days a week
I come home from work at 5/5:30 depending on meetings.
Make children’s tea
Do bath time and bedtime
Make hubby’s and my tea
Eat and watch some TV

Some mornings hubby hasn’t managed to shower which is why I changed my alarm to half an hour earlier. I know it’s my fault if cosleeper wakes up. I try to take that kiddie in the bathroom with me but it’s tricky.

I’ve had to impose some rules on myself based on what he’s said has been bothering him. I know I’m not the perfect wife or mother but I am trying. I leave my phone away from me and don’t reply to messages from colleagues while we are watching TV together. He was frustrated that I was “doing work” in the evenings as well as at work. I understand that and have acted on it to make things better.

he says he has no life so I’ve stopped doing my fitness class to allow him time to do a hobby perhaps. He hasn’t started anything yet but appreciates that he now has more time to do so.

because I’m exhausted from doing all the night wakes and bedtimes etc, I now go to bed a lot earlier. This doesn’t really make much difference as I think cosleeper senses I’m there and wakes earlier.

My stomach hurts so much and I know it’s linked to rejection sensitivity - I’ve felt this way on and off since childhood. My insecurities are ruining everything and I just can’t cope. I cry so much and feel like I’m forever making mistakes. I say sorry but he often doesn’t respond. I know he’s fed up with me creating problems. I just don’t know how to cope with my rejection sensitivity and make this relationship work.

@TopazSlinky do you have any friends who are married with children? Do you ever see normal relationships modelled? Was your mother endlessly subservient to your father?

The way you are living isn't normal. He occasionally gives you money for groceries?? WTAF? When two married people with children both work, they should each put in a proportional share to the family pot, not have one person running themselves ragged to pay for everything while the other chucks in a few quid. When you both work, house jobs and child rearing should again be divided proportionally. Men aren’t missing the cooking, cleaning or childcare gene you know. He doesn’t get a medal for doing the bloody garden.

How old is your youngest? Is it possible you have PND?

What do you pay for? Mortgage and bills?

This is why posters are asking you to look a bit more critically at your reasons, not only for posting but for accepting certain behaviour from your H and having higher expectations for yourself than you do for him.

You sound switched on and self aware. It can’t be a huge leap to work on communication and boundaries with him and if he doesn’t step up plan to leave. Its no life for you constantly terrified that needing anything will make him leave.

Who says that you mess up a lot?. I would think you’ve internalised that particular and erroneous message over many years starting with your parents. It’s why you’re so desperate to please because you think they will like you more if you do that (ie putting their needs first with your own dead last).

He sounds useless. Why isn’t he contributing much financially? Doesn’t his self-employment pay enough? What could he do to increase his earnings? Could he get a job instead of being self-employed.

what else could he do on his SAHD days? He could do some cleaning then, or get some batch cooking to make things easier on the other days.

I’d go back to your fitness class and sign up for some more!

Exactly. How would you feel if your son or daughter was in a relationship like this? Would you think it a reasonable, never mind a happy, way to live their life?

"He’s my person"

He's really not. You're his person but no one has your back.

He sounds like a shit partner and dad tbh. Don’t know why you’re making excuses for him?!! You would be better on your own.

Sorry. Been busy all day. Just looking through the comments and not really sure what else to say.

I didn’t think I was sticking up for him.

yes, I do say sorry a lot and need to teach myself not to. I think it might take a while as I’ve been like this for years. Since before our relationship began even. So that’s not his fault. It’s a me problem.

I have tried to talk to him about my expectations and what he does in comparison. But he is really busy with his work and getting some jobs done around the house. He does also help with my parents as well. He does odd jobs for them.

What you need to do is go to the gp and ask for your right to choose for adhd. The NHS will pay to see a private psychiatrist. It is a lot quicker than the NHS waiting list. I was never informed of my right to choose and I went private. A lot of NT people won't understand where you are coming from. It helps to speak to people who understand. If you wish to private message me feel free. I wish you the best of luck.

What jobs is he doing around the house? Something useful like clearing up after the children, cleaning, washing, sorting out clean laundry, shopping. Or some DIY task that he thinks is important?

Is his job worth it if it keeps him busy for hours but doesn’t bring in much money? Is he even making minimum wage?

Thank you. I appreciate that. I will make an appointment to see my GP and ask for that.

Usually the washing but also some DIY things that need doing.

the self employment is a tricky one. It’s not making masses at the moment but has potential.

It's barely making anything if all he can afford to contribute is a food shop now and again. It might be an idea to have a conversation about how long he's going to do the business while you're paying for everything and doing all the childcare and housework.

I’ve taken some of the advice on board and tried to have a conversation with him about it. It’s tricky when the kids are around but I went for it.

he said that I have changed and there’s something not right but he can’t put his finger on it. He said he will start sending over money regularly but that will mean that he will not see us on the weekends at all and that there won’t be any TV on an evening. We hardly see him at the weekend as it is, so that’s not really a huge change.

I tried to talk to him earlier about something that had happened with one of the kids - something I thought was exciting. Unfortunately he was fixing something linked to his business and he just huffed at me. No “I’ll be in soon. Can we chat then?” So I know I did the wrong thing and upset him… and then to pile on the money conversation after that was stupid timing on my part.

Is the plan that you continually try to 'improve' yourself and do more and more until you reach the summit of perfection and your OH turns into a reasonable human being?

You can or can't do whatever you like - your OH will continue to be abusive. You're saying he has no agency over his own behaviour - only you can get him to change. But you can't change other people. The way he is is his own choice and he's choosing to see you exhausted, doing everything for the house/children, abandoning the small pleasures you have and paying for everything.

He has just sent me £100. A few minutes after doing so he has sent me a message telling me that it’s not fair that he is the main carer of the kids during the week (while I’m at work). I’m not sure I can physically do anything more with them. My work pays for almost everything. In the past, I have offered to reduce my hours as long as he could promise to provide for the household. He said he couldn’t guarantee it so turned that suggestion down. In the past, I have worked two jobs but that means less time for me to spend with the kids on an evening and impacts tea etc too, so it was far from ideal, but it did financially help a lot.

Why can't you have the TV on in the evening if he needs to start pulling his weight financially? Is that your punishment for raising this? You are walking on eggshells and scared to raise all the significant issues that you have told us about on this thread. He sounds like a lazy, gaslighting waste of space. You are the main breadwinner and pretty much do all the child care and house stuff. Him doing the washing occasionally is a drop in the ocean. He's a selfish prick and he won't change.

What's tv in the evening got to do with him sending you money? I don't think it was stupid timing at all. Most people would be able to have a rational conversation about money, I certainly do with my DH, that doesn't result in sulking and silly punishments like no TV.

How can you possibly work and provide for the family AND do everything with the kids in the week? He is asking for the impossible. And why should it all be on you to do this? Please reflect on some of the posts here. He is not treating you well at all. He is making unreasonable demands and you are walking on eggshells trying to get everything ‘right’. But it will never be enough and that’s not on you, that’s because he’s not a good human being. Please. You have to value yourself in the way we all see you. You deserve much better than this man.

Are you aware of how many couples manage their money? Our salaries both go into the same account. We can both see all of it. Our mortgage, utility bills, childcare costs and food shopping are paid from that account. Because those are household expenses not one person’s responsibility. Same for children’s clothes/shoes, money for school trips etc.

This man is abusing you. Do you have any support around you - someone you could talk to at work for instance?

Could you explain to me how you’re messing things up all the time. What is it that you believe you’re actually doing wrong? It seems to me that you work, do the vast majority of the housework, childcare and cooking, youve given up your evening texting and you’re fitness class to make more time for your husband at his request. You are the higher earner and you’re paying for a cleaner to help you both manage the cleaning. What is it that you think you’re doing wrong?

What is frustrating about living with someone like you? What kind of someone are you? What are the flaws you mention? What is it that you need to change?

I say and do the wrong things all the time. Like interrupting him when he’s clearly busy. I ask for help sometimes when I shouldn’t need it. Generally I’m not very good at reading his body language and knowing it’s inappropriate to talk at certain moments.

that’s highly frustrating for him. I can understand why.

I can be oversensitive and overthink things. I am needy - I like affection but don’t really get much but that’s a me problem too. The kids need the affection more than I do and then he doesn’t have any more cuddles to give as it’s exhausting for him.

Silent treatment is emotional abuse OP.