Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rejection sensitivity ruining things?

193 replies

TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 08:33

Hubby and I have been together a while. But things currently aren’t great.

I feel my rejection sensitivity is ruining everything. I’ll try to keep it brief…

Hubby is self employed and I’m employed. He works around being SAHD (two days a week). I have our children the three days a week (weekend and one week day) when he works - plus two days when they’re in nursery.

Im finding it tricky to get everything done around the house. I cook every meal and prepare lunches for everyone each morning. But unfortunately I can’t seem to make it work. I’m Cosleeping with one of the little ones who wakes multiple times during the night. Hubby used to do bedtime allowing me to start cooking. But he says he needs more time so I changed my routine and now do bedtime.

an average day for me is

Alarm at 5am
shower and get ready (if the cosleeper is still asleep!)
Make packed lunches and breakfast
leave for work at 8am
Hubby does the nursery run at 8am two days a week
I come home from work at 5/5:30 depending on meetings.
Make children’s tea
Do bath time and bedtime
Make hubby’s and my tea
Eat and watch some TV

Some mornings hubby hasn’t managed to shower which is why I changed my alarm to half an hour earlier. I know it’s my fault if cosleeper wakes up. I try to take that kiddie in the bathroom with me but it’s tricky.

I’ve had to impose some rules on myself based on what he’s said has been bothering him. I know I’m not the perfect wife or mother but I am trying. I leave my phone away from me and don’t reply to messages from colleagues while we are watching TV together. He was frustrated that I was “doing work” in the evenings as well as at work. I understand that and have acted on it to make things better.

he says he has no life so I’ve stopped doing my fitness class to allow him time to do a hobby perhaps. He hasn’t started anything yet but appreciates that he now has more time to do so.

because I’m exhausted from doing all the night wakes and bedtimes etc, I now go to bed a lot earlier. This doesn’t really make much difference as I think cosleeper senses I’m there and wakes earlier.

My stomach hurts so much and I know it’s linked to rejection sensitivity - I’ve felt this way on and off since childhood. My insecurities are ruining everything and I just can’t cope. I cry so much and feel like I’m forever making mistakes. I say sorry but he often doesn’t respond. I know he’s fed up with me creating problems. I just don’t know how to cope with my rejection sensitivity and make this relationship work.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 10/04/2025 10:08

He doesn't parent, he bars you from doing anything enjoyable, he bosses you about, he doesn't contribute enough financially, he moans about his own predicament without doing anything to change himself.

You are in an abusive situation. You'd be way better off single. Then he'd have to take the kids on his own and pay for his own shit and his kids' stuff. And he wouldn't have a live in servant anymore. Poor him.

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 10:09

CiscoTS · 10/04/2025 09:56

But it’s not clear from your OP (unless I missed it), how these feelings of potential rejection are ruining everything?

All I can see is a mother running herself into the ground trying to appease a man who on the face of it doesn’t appear to give a shit.

Show quote history

Because I struggle so much with my rejection sensitivity, it makes me difficult to be with. And I’m trying to make things easier for him and the rest of the family.

I do my best to smile when the kids are around. And a lot of the time in front of him as well because I don’t want to impact everyone else.

OP posts:
CiscoTS · 10/04/2025 10:10

TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 09:50

He can be grumpy and he finds it tricky to deal with my disorganisation so he will give me the silent treatment.

Show quote history

So he’s emotionally abusive?

Before you defend him, giving someone the silent treatment is abuse. My own husband tries it with me on occasion and I shut it down very quickly. I won’t stand for it - and neither should you. I too suffer with severe anxieties about rejection, actually caused by my parents in my case, but I also know how I deserve to be treated.

As should you!

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 10:10

I’m sorry. I’m struggling to keep up with all the replies. If I have missed replying to you, it might come later as I’ll go back through them. Sorry.

OP posts:
CiscoTS · 10/04/2025 10:11

TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 10:09

Because I struggle so much with my rejection sensitivity, it makes me difficult to be with. And I’m trying to make things easier for him and the rest of the family.

I do my best to smile when the kids are around. And a lot of the time in front of him as well because I don’t want to impact everyone else.

Show quote history

What are you doing that makes you difficult to be with due to these feelings of rejection?

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 10:11

CiscoTS · 10/04/2025 10:10

So he’s emotionally abusive?

Before you defend him, giving someone the silent treatment is abuse. My own husband tries it with me on occasion and I shut it down very quickly. I won’t stand for it - and neither should you. I too suffer with severe anxieties about rejection, actually caused by my parents in my case, but I also know how I deserve to be treated.

As should you!

Show quote history

I sometimes leave the room and don’t want to discuss things as well. So I guess it works both ways. Maybe I’m being emotionally abusive to him? Sometimes I just need to lie on the bed and let all the emotions flow out. I have a good cry and allow myself to repair myself. It doesn’t happen very often because I’m hardly ever alone.

OP posts:
mepipesneedlagging · 10/04/2025 10:12

Yeah, the more I read your one sentence updates, the more unbelievable this is 🤨
If not, I apologise and wish you all the best 💐

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 10:12

CiscoTS · 10/04/2025 10:11

What are you doing that makes you difficult to be with due to these feelings of rejection?

Show quote history

I sometimes tell him how I’m feeling and that I’m worried he will leave me. This frustrates him. On occasions I might start crying as well.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2025 10:13

No you’re leaving the room to escape him.

You really do need to address with NAPAC what happened in childhood.

DogsandFlowers · 10/04/2025 10:13

TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 09:42

Maybe he doesn’t. He tells me he does. I love him though and want things to get easier for us both.

Show quote history

I hope it gets better, or you leave!

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 10:14

mepipesneedlagging · 10/04/2025 10:12

Yeah, the more I read your one sentence updates, the more unbelievable this is 🤨
If not, I apologise and wish you all the best 💐

I’m not lying. Like I said before, posting on mumsnet was probably a massive mistake. I will try to use more than one sentence in response to people in future. Was just trying to reply to as many as possible. Sorry.

OP posts:
GreenwayHouse · 10/04/2025 10:14

I’ve not read all the replies but I’m a bit shocked at what I’ve read to be honest, OP. You both need time to yourselves and it sounds as if you are being run ragged and you must be exhausted. Go back to your fitness class. You need that time to yourself. You’re on the go and with the family for the other six nights of the week.

I’ve also not heard of rejection sensitivity. Sounds to me like you are taking on the emotional burden of trying to make the relationship work.

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 10:15

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2025 10:13

No you’re leaving the room to escape him.

You really do need to address with NAPAC what happened in childhood.

It’s really difficult to explain without giving away some very personal details. I saw someone when I was eight years old and have seen various people since. I’ve paid for therapy as well as used NHS professionals.

OP posts:
Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 10:16

GreenwayHouse · 10/04/2025 10:14

I’ve not read all the replies but I’m a bit shocked at what I’ve read to be honest, OP. You both need time to yourselves and it sounds as if you are being run ragged and you must be exhausted. Go back to your fitness class. You need that time to yourself. You’re on the go and with the family for the other six nights of the week.

I’ve also not heard of rejection sensitivity. Sounds to me like you are taking on the emotional burden of trying to make the relationship work.

I try to get some extra work done occasionally in my spare time because it helps ease the load when I’m actually in work… so I do get some time to myself. I also sometimes get some time when the kids might nap during the day.

OP posts:
MaryGreenhill · 10/04/2025 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MaryGreenhill · 10/04/2025 10:19

Of course the kids are off school 😁

DinaofCloud9 · 10/04/2025 10:21

This can't be real.

On the tiny chance it is then the relationship sounds completely shit and he's obviously not "your person".

GreenwayHouse · 10/04/2025 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why would you say that? There are lots of women who bend themselves into pretzel shapes to appease their husband and keep their family together. The OP sounds exhausted and desperate.

Years ago I posted about a situation I was in and a few people found it so unbelievable that they said it was BS. I was in a horrible situation too and wished it hadn’t been true but unfortunately it was. The “BS” replied really didn’t help. I still think of them five years on and how dismissive they were.

Sassybooklover · 10/04/2025 10:24

TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 09:47

He will load the dishwasher after I’ve cooked if I haven’t managed to do it. He also works in the garden and does the DIY stuff. Sorry I didn’t mention those things. He definitely does more than I said. Sorry.

Show quote history

He's not doing the garden and DIY every evening though is he?! So actually, all he does in the evening, on an average day, is load the dishwasher! If you break down his day compared to yours, his would be predominantly work. When both parents are working full-time, with children, especially when they're young, it needs teamwork. You both need to work together. That means, that yes, he may have been working all day regardless if physical or not, but he has to pull his weight at home too. You've been working all day, so why should the children and domestics all fall on you?! Yes, he should be sorting the children out for bed, whilst you are cooking. He should then help you tidy up afterwards. That's teamwork. You are sorting the children out for bed, making meals and tidying up. Whilst all he's doing is loading the dishwasher, if you haven't! Do you see the imbalance here?

DinaofCloud9 · 10/04/2025 10:24

If you're still thinking of random replies from strangers 5 years on then you obviously don't have any real problems.

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 10:26

MaryGreenhill · 10/04/2025 10:19

Of course the kids are off school 😁

I’m not making this up. It’s all true. Not sure what else I should be saying or doing to make people believe me. It’s school holidays in some places, yes. What does that have to do with me posting?

OP posts:
Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 10:27

GreenwayHouse · 10/04/2025 10:22

Why would you say that? There are lots of women who bend themselves into pretzel shapes to appease their husband and keep their family together. The OP sounds exhausted and desperate.

Years ago I posted about a situation I was in and a few people found it so unbelievable that they said it was BS. I was in a horrible situation too and wished it hadn’t been true but unfortunately it was. The “BS” replied really didn’t help. I still think of them five years on and how dismissive they were.

Edited
Show quote history

I understand that kind of feeling and I still almost obsess over things that people have said to me in the past. It’s not helpful being like that, is it?

OP posts:
TasWair · 10/04/2025 10:27

OP, your posts are very revealing. You sound like a switched on, intelligent woman. I think you knew exactly how MN would react to this. You knew they'd say your H is taking the piss, that you're doing too much, that you need to sort it. Some of your posts are deliberately written to get this reaction. So you know he's taking the piss, and you know that you're doing too much. The question is, why are you putting up with it? And the answer isn't love- if you were happy with how things are, you wouldn't have posted.

The other thing about your writing style is your need to be validated. This is very common but it is worth thinking about. You apologise a lot for posting, though you know full well that you have nothing to apologise for. It's like you're desperate for the "you don't need to apologise, you haven't done anything wrong" reaction. Why is that?
You know he's taking the piss. Listen to the voice in your head.

Original poster
TopazSlinky · 10/04/2025 10:28

Sassybooklover · 10/04/2025 10:24

He's not doing the garden and DIY every evening though is he?! So actually, all he does in the evening, on an average day, is load the dishwasher! If you break down his day compared to yours, his would be predominantly work. When both parents are working full-time, with children, especially when they're young, it needs teamwork. You both need to work together. That means, that yes, he may have been working all day regardless if physical or not, but he has to pull his weight at home too. You've been working all day, so why should the children and domestics all fall on you?! Yes, he should be sorting the children out for bed, whilst you are cooking. He should then help you tidy up afterwards. That's teamwork. You are sorting the children out for bed, making meals and tidying up. Whilst all he's doing is loading the dishwasher, if you haven't! Do you see the imbalance here?

Show quote history

I work four days a week not full time. But yes, I do see what you are getting at. My work isn’t quite as physically demanding as his though.

OP posts:
GreenwayHouse · 10/04/2025 10:29

DinaofCloud9 · 10/04/2025 10:24

If you're still thinking of random replies from strangers 5 years on then you obviously don't have any real problems.

I was waiting for someone to say that. Jeez…the replies on MN really are harsh sometimes!
I don’t spend 24/7 thinking about them, obviously. And I lost my dad four years ago and was caring for him for six months before he died and now care for my mum who has a terminal illness. And my partner has just split up with me and left me in hospital last year to go abroad, so yes, plenty of other stuff going on in my life.

Swipe left for the next trending thread