Rejection sensitivity ruining things?

[TopazSlinky]

Hubby and I have been together a while. But things currently aren’t great.

I feel my rejection sensitivity is ruining everything. I’ll try to keep it brief…

Hubby is self employed and I’m employed. He works around being SAHD (two days a week). I have our children the three days a week (weekend and one week day) when he works - plus two days when they’re in nursery.

Im finding it tricky to get everything done around the house. I cook every meal and prepare lunches for everyone each morning. But unfortunately I can’t seem to make it work. I’m Cosleeping with one of the little ones who wakes multiple times during the night. Hubby used to do bedtime allowing me to start cooking. But he says he needs more time so I changed my routine and now do bedtime.

an average day for me is

Alarm at 5am
shower and get ready (if the cosleeper is still asleep!)
Make packed lunches and breakfast
leave for work at 8am
Hubby does the nursery run at 8am two days a week
I come home from work at 5/5:30 depending on meetings.
Make children’s tea
Do bath time and bedtime
Make hubby’s and my tea
Eat and watch some TV

Some mornings hubby hasn’t managed to shower which is why I changed my alarm to half an hour earlier. I know it’s my fault if cosleeper wakes up. I try to take that kiddie in the bathroom with me but it’s tricky.

I’ve had to impose some rules on myself based on what he’s said has been bothering him. I know I’m not the perfect wife or mother but I am trying. I leave my phone away from me and don’t reply to messages from colleagues while we are watching TV together. He was frustrated that I was “doing work” in the evenings as well as at work. I understand that and have acted on it to make things better.

he says he has no life so I’ve stopped doing my fitness class to allow him time to do a hobby perhaps. He hasn’t started anything yet but appreciates that he now has more time to do so.

because I’m exhausted from doing all the night wakes and bedtimes etc, I now go to bed a lot earlier. This doesn’t really make much difference as I think cosleeper senses I’m there and wakes earlier.

My stomach hurts so much and I know it’s linked to rejection sensitivity - I’ve felt this way on and off since childhood. My insecurities are ruining everything and I just can’t cope. I cry so much and feel like I’m forever making mistakes. I say sorry but he often doesn’t respond. I know he’s fed up with me creating problems. I just don’t know how to cope with my rejection sensitivity and make this relationship work.

It’s he who is not pulling his weight, not you and you’ve given up an exercise class of your own already. He along previously with your parents have done a right number on you to make you think it’s all your fault when the fault actually lies with them.

You say you can't afford therapy, but I think you need it as a matter of priority - have you had any help from your GP? A lot of areas will offer relatively fast (not immediate but weeks rather than years) access to 6 sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy. You can frame it as dealing with your insecurities, though I would also personally say that you sound like you're struggling with an objectively tough time.

With multiple children young enough to be in nursery it's normal that both parents are tired and don't have the time to do everything they want to do - so your husband should absolutely not be blaming you for what sounds like a relatively easy life for him compared to many parents of multiple young kids. It seems only fair that you should both get to do one thing (you the exercise class, him something else) and if you can't make it work can you trade it off every other week or even every few months?

Sometimes when we are insecure we try to better everyone's expectations of us and do much more for them than is normal, but then that leads to a dynamic where they assume it's easy for us to do loads for them and don't offer to share the load. I think you need some therapy to help you work through what you really want to be doing and what you are doing out of insecurity, so you can ask for what you need and feel secure that it's reasonable. If you really can't do therapy then talk to some friends who can at least reassure you on what's 'normal'. But your DH is absolutely not suffering unduly from this life with you, quite the opposite it seems to me.

I am messy, find it difficult to keep things organised, indecisive, whinge too much…

You seem to be very attuned to your flaws and very reluctant to acknowledge his flaws. None of us are perfect and that includes him. If your relationship is to improve, it will involve effort and change on his part, as well as yours. What rules has he imposed on himself, based on you’ve said has been bothering you? I would start there.

My parents haven’t done a number on me at all and nor has hubby.

What are your husband's flaws?

I don’t understand what mistakes you think you’re making. What are they?

If it helps, I make mistakes all the time. Like signing forms for school or picking up a certain item in supermarket. No biggie, Just fix it as soon as I realise.

Is it you putting pressure on yourself? Or is him telling you you are not good enough.

kindly, your OP talks about how much you’re doing and how exhausted you are, that you seem to feel the balance of responsibilities is somehow off.

and you go on to list all the ways in which your H doesn’t fairly contribute (childcare, financial, housework, sleep, enabling social time) and yet your focus seems to be on “your flaws”.

Is it him telling you about your flaws?

What does the rejection sensitivity have to do with anything?

are you afraid that if you have any boundaries he’ll leave you?

do you think this situation is sustainable?

do you get anything positive out of being so exhausted? ie do you want to be able to feel like you’ve given everything to your H and your children in order to feel worthy?

I don’t know. He hasn’t mentioned any. I know he had said that he wouldn’t watch any TV on an evening and instead focus on paperwork. That hasn’t happened but that’s because I have been in the lounge watching TV still. If I go to bed before 9pm as I said I would, that would give him more time.

My husband tried working from home and being SAHD, both ended up with him depressed and horrible. I had to find myself a work ftom home job and send him back to the office for all our sakes.

What does this have to do with your OP?

He doesn’t love you, you’re making flimsy excuses for his crappy behaviour I’m sorry but you sound so deluded. A few more years of this shite and you might wake up

I Probably shouldn’t have posted. I just woke up feeling exhausted and frustrated.

Maybe he doesn’t. He tells me he does. I love him though and want things to get easier for us both.

You said your childhood was painful and indeed it is your right not to go into that on here but you really do need to address that for your own sshe and it’s going to need more than CBT. Hence my suggestion of contacting NAPAC.

I have offered to change my role but I’m the higher earner and it would make our home situation even trickier.

Thank you. Yes - it had some struggles in my childhood but not because of my parents.

Did you know that's a big part of ADHD or being ND? I get RSD so bad at times but I try to contain it.

Do you have any other ND symptoms?

People don't understand, it's literally like a physical pain from what they say is perceived or real rejection.

This is part of how I knew I wasn't NT. My emotions felt too extreme compared to others along side all the other things like time blindness and task switching issues and concentration Etc.

Maybe do some research and see if that feels like you. Medication can help with emotional dysregulation apparently. I'm unmedicated so I don't know.

I am wondering if he also resents you being the higher earner.

But again you haven’t actually answered any of the questions here! Posters are probing for you to think about what the issue actually is here. Its frustrating because you seem to dodge all of the questions and then just talk about how shit you are. If you want helpful advice there’s plenty here but it will come with a (possibly un) healthy dose of brutal truth. Have a good think about some of the questions being asked. And really drill down into the situation.

No OP. I didn’t say that. Think you’re being a martyr.

Hopefully you can speak to your partner, hold some boundaries and play to both your strengths and needs

Sorry. I was just listing my flaws as requested. Sorry they’re irrelevant.

You sound so scared, desperate not to disappoint your H and extremely self critical. You need to access therapy. You also need to recognise that you are only one person. You can't do everything and be everything for everyone. You also need to understand that if you don't look after your self and do some self care you will get unwell and you won't be able to do anything for anyone. Go back to the gym. Ring fence some time for yourself. Also, don't call him a SAHD. He isn't a SAH anything.

Your post is all about keeping your husband happy. You are tripping over yourself to make life easier for him. He in turn, is doing very little to nothing to help you, and the consequence of that is, you are run ragged. He is critical of you, telling you how difficult you're making life for him, that he hasn't time for hobbies etc. Your answer is to stop your fitness class to give him 'more time'. He used to do bedtime, and now doesn't because he needs 'more time'. Doing what??!! Is he still working??! From what I can see, your husband does zero in the early evenings. He leaves the children completely to you, making meals, tidying up etc and then has the audacity to complain he doesn't have a life!!!! You're the one who doesn't have a life. He has plenty of time away from the children. You need to continue with your fitness class. He needs to organise his life better to allow him to have an evening doing a hobby. The only reason he doesn't want you doing yours is because then he's the one left with the children (even if they are sleeping) and God forbid he may actually have to get off his arse and parent them!! You should both be working as a team, where you help each other in the evenings, to give yourself some time. The only way this will change is for you to stand your ground and insist on him helping you. If he refuses, and blames you, then sorry, he'd be gone. That's no way to live, constantly walking on egg shells.

Sorry. I am just trying to honest.