Rejection sensitivity ruining things?

[TopazSlinky]

Hubby and I have been together a while. But things currently aren’t great.

I feel my rejection sensitivity is ruining everything. I’ll try to keep it brief…

Hubby is self employed and I’m employed. He works around being SAHD (two days a week). I have our children the three days a week (weekend and one week day) when he works - plus two days when they’re in nursery.

Im finding it tricky to get everything done around the house. I cook every meal and prepare lunches for everyone each morning. But unfortunately I can’t seem to make it work. I’m Cosleeping with one of the little ones who wakes multiple times during the night. Hubby used to do bedtime allowing me to start cooking. But he says he needs more time so I changed my routine and now do bedtime.

an average day for me is

Alarm at 5am
shower and get ready (if the cosleeper is still asleep!)
Make packed lunches and breakfast
leave for work at 8am
Hubby does the nursery run at 8am two days a week
I come home from work at 5/5:30 depending on meetings.
Make children’s tea
Do bath time and bedtime
Make hubby’s and my tea
Eat and watch some TV

Some mornings hubby hasn’t managed to shower which is why I changed my alarm to half an hour earlier. I know it’s my fault if cosleeper wakes up. I try to take that kiddie in the bathroom with me but it’s tricky.

I’ve had to impose some rules on myself based on what he’s said has been bothering him. I know I’m not the perfect wife or mother but I am trying. I leave my phone away from me and don’t reply to messages from colleagues while we are watching TV together. He was frustrated that I was “doing work” in the evenings as well as at work. I understand that and have acted on it to make things better.

he says he has no life so I’ve stopped doing my fitness class to allow him time to do a hobby perhaps. He hasn’t started anything yet but appreciates that he now has more time to do so.

because I’m exhausted from doing all the night wakes and bedtimes etc, I now go to bed a lot earlier. This doesn’t really make much difference as I think cosleeper senses I’m there and wakes earlier.

My stomach hurts so much and I know it’s linked to rejection sensitivity - I’ve felt this way on and off since childhood. My insecurities are ruining everything and I just can’t cope. I cry so much and feel like I’m forever making mistakes. I say sorry but he often doesn’t respond. I know he’s fed up with me creating problems. I just don’t know how to cope with my rejection sensitivity and make this relationship work.

he doesn’t have any more cuddles to give as it’s exhausting for him.

Life sounds very hard for him. He works all the hours God sends, has no money to show for it, is too exhausted to cuddle his children and his wife can't read his body language. No wonder he can't have the TV on.

You’re allowed to cry when you’re upset. A good husband will see you’re distressed and comfort you, not berate you for crying. Crying when upset, insecure or overwhelmed is absolutely normal. You seem to think you can never be upset. That’s not normal.

Oh OP, I feel so sad for you. He's not the one in charge of defining what the 'wrong' things to do and say are you know. Your 'person' - your real person - would manage to muster up enough energy to spare you one bloody cuddle, no matter how exhausted he was. He's choosing not to, and he's the one escalating these beliefs you have of being 'needy' when by your own admission you just 'like affection' - I think everyone does. But if you're denied it all the time, and are labelled 'needy', suddenly you 'need' it more because you miss it, which then perpetuates the cycle. You become the thing that he labelled you as, because he denied you completely.

It's like going on an extreme diet to try and lose weight. You cut out carbs, takeaways, fatty food, creams, cheese, chocolate, sweets, biscuits... And what happens? It's ALL you want to eat, because you can't have it. It's not wrong to want, or even expect, some level of affection in a relationship, and he's brainwashing you to believing that you're the problem.

You’re supposed to be able to tell your husband when you feel insecure and it’s then his job to reassure you, not get annoyed with you. You are allowed to have emotions that are hard. He knew this I assume before you married. So he chose to be with you despite knowing you had issues around abandonment.

Why are you cooking every meal and lunch? Why isn’t he doing those things when he is at home as a SAHD? Why isn’t he cooking your dinner while you do bath and bedtime? Why are you sleeping less? Women need more sleep than men. He is not more important than you OP. His needs do not override yours. You are not his caregiver. You are not his parent.

I'm really confused as to what the problem is here. There are two adults in the household and neither of you work full time. Why are you getting up at 5am when you don't leave until 8? Why aren't lunches made the night before?

You both have more time than most people! There doesn't seem to be any need for you to give up a fitness class once a week or for your husband 'to have no life'.

It sounds as though one or both of you are depressed and can't see the wood for the trees. At the very least, you're both stuck in a massive rut.

Maybe we are missing some important information (not your fault if so OP) but at the moment this just makes me think of the patriarchy, where his needs are more important than yours, ON EVERY LEVEL.

I understand the RSD but in this instance it just sounds like he is bloody useless and you are carrying the load, so I don’t think you are being unreasonable in feeling emotional about your life or his lack of effort making you feel a certain way.

He’s gaslighting you. He’s taking the absolute piss. He’s not a nice man. He’s financially and emotionally abusive. How long has he been self employed?

You’re allowed to interrupt him. It sounds like he’s doing sweet FA. You’re allowed to ask him to pull his weight. You shouldn’t have to manage everything on your own. Who made up these parameters? They’re his kids and it’s his house. He lives there. That means he needs to clean it and parent his children. You’re not the default parent and the only one who responsible for their care. He needs to get up half the week through the night, get up half the mornings, make dinner half the week, do the dishes then nights he doesn’t cook, do the hoovering a few times a week, stick a washing in and hang it up every second day. And so on. If he lived alone he’d have to take care of his home, just because he sponges off lives with you, doesn’t mean you have to do everything. This is bullshit. He’s trained you well. You can’t even have a simple conversation about money without him punishing you for it. He needs to be putting all his money into your account every month so you can pay the bills, buy the food, kids clothes, clubs, etc. As it stands he keeps his money for himself, doesn’t parent the kids much, does practically nothing in the houses I bet he does zero admin or planning, etc. He’s abusive. Speak to women’s aid. And read this book. You’ll probably find him in there.

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

Rejection sensitive? Is this a thing?

Well no, you shouldn't be doing the lion's share. He should be doing 2/3 as much as you are.

Hi OP. I think this is a really tricky situation. You are in a relationship with someone who calls all the shots, gets to define what is right and wrong, what's up, what's down. There doesn't seem to be any sign of compromise here. He's set things up so that he is perfectly entitled to ignore you and any time you turn to him for practical or emotional support it is labelled as an "interruption" and "wrong". He's telling you that if you're finding it hard to cope that's your fault. This is not how relationships should work.

I don't know how you get yourself out of this - I'd say therapy would be your best bet. Failing that, I would try to divorce myself emotionally from him bit by bit, until I got to a place where I could judge the situation more objectively and see my options more clearly.

Try to eliminate at least some of the power he has over your thinking.

That means rejecting him in your mind: reminding yourself not to appeal to him for emotional support because he's a bit of a shit, and he's not going to give you it (or at least not without further driving home the point about how "wrong" you are).

Bit by bit become the rejecter, not the rejectee, until you find that you can think about your situation more clearly. Keep your own counsel, or share with friends outside the home. Get some necessary distance so that his real or imagined rejection does not hurt so much.

You cannot make any judgement when you're full of fear that he'll reject you - something he's reinforcing by telling you that you're doing everything wrong and asking for help when you "shouldn't need it". To me the subtext of what he's saying sounds like, "I love you, but no-one else could." I find a lot of what you have told us quite disturbing.

Just because you feel yourself to be somewhat disorganised does not mean you are a bad person or wrong in any way. Just because you need a lot of emotional reassurance does not mean you are a bad person or wrong in any way. You love and care for your children. You support a family through your own hard graft pretty much singlehanded. Sounds like you're a strong woman who's going places.

Sending supportive hugs.

OP your entire tone sounds self critical and almost like youre so convinced you are the root cause of all problems that you are taking some sort of penance on yourself. Its not normal for one person to shoulder all the responsibility to make everyone elses life as comfortable and happy except your own!
I havent read the full thread because i was concerned enough about your posts that i wanted to see only yours so forgive me if im repeating anything other posters have said. I have a few concerns.

It is entirely normal to juggle and adjust work/parent/social/personal time balance within a relationship and there will always be times where one person has to hold down the fort more. What isnt normal is you being the breadwinner, doing everything that you are doing, making yourself get up at an ungodly hour no matter is your child sleeps or not because a grown adult cant find the time to fucking shower?! Give over! Kids are in nursery, hes a self employed SAHD so presumably takes screen/toilet/lunch breaks?.... pretty positive he probably spends a good while sitting on the loo at one point of the day because apparently men cant shit without needing an hour to doom scroll. So theres one probable timeslot that he could use. Is making you sit with your full attention on a tv programme at night so important that he cant jump in a shower and let you catch up on your tasks for 15mins? After the nursery run before his work begins? Or he sets his own alarm! Ridiculous!
You giving up something you do just for you while hes guilt tripped you about time together so he makes it seem like ur idea.

If hes depressed about being a SAHD heres an idea, get a fucking better paying job or a hobby on his own time and take responsibility for his own mental stste instead of making you strung out and bending over backwards cause lifes not fair for poor him.

You need to grow a backbone and some dignity. Ive got severe fear of abandonment in relationships and ive took some amount of crap so believe me ive been there and you will never be doing the right thing in someone like thats eyes and youll make your world so small and sad. Be careful he doesmt pull a switch on u and guilt you into being the stay at home parent cause i can bet you my arse he wouldnt do half what you do

The more information you give the more I am coming towards the conclusion that you are in an abusive relationship.

He treats you like a skivvy, you know.

Thanks everyone. Sorry I didn’t return straight away. Lots of food for thought and I have approached the matter with him. Things are a little better and I’m hopeful they’ll work out in the end. Thanks again for all your advice. I’m seeing a counsellor through a work scheme they offer - and it’ll be tagged on to the end of my working day so won’t impact things as much.

Oh lass. Your self esteem is on the floor. Your fawning and compulsive apologising and blaming all the problems in your relationship and domestic life on yourself is a desperate attempt to feel some sort of control - if everything is your fault, you can fix it if you just bend over far enough, get up earlier, work harder, give more.

You probably do have ADHD but it could instead/also have elements of CPTSD depending on the childhood trauma (you don't need to go into details about it). I would consider how you were parented as well, because (a) obviously at some point you were not protected from a trauma by your parents, and whether that was their fault or preventable or not, in the mind of a child that can play out as betrayal subconsciously; and (b) Whatever the trauma was, you have obviously NOT been supported through it to psychological good health as you are currently very very mentally unwell.

You must know, when you look at how you are presenting the breakdown of responsibilities, your contribution vs his, your 'problematic' behaviour vs his, that you are not the problem here. Which is not to say your behaviour is not contributing to your unhappiness and his; but the fundamental problem is that HE is not contributing enough - financially, domestically, emotionally.

He has chosen you for a reason - your terrible insecurity, low self esteem and fear of abandonment SERVES HIM, consciously or subconsciously, which is why he keeps moving the goalposts no matter how far you bend over backwards to please him, however much you ostentatiously self-sacrifice. He doesn't want you to 'make him happy', he wants you to keep trying to do so. Because while you are so desperately pretzeling yourself into what you think he wants, you NEVER give any time or importance to what you want or need. You pathologise your perfectly normal needs - it is completely normal to expect affection and attention from your partner, you do not have to magically pick up on when he is and isn't receptive to a conversation and silence yourself accordingly, you do not have to give up everything that makes you happy in order to provide him with more and more time in which to do nothing.

There is a LOT going on here. You badly need some therapy; not so that you can make yourself more amenable to him; but so you can start to get to know YOU and what you want - something I don't think you have given any thought to for a very very very long time. Your fear of being abandoned (which will have deep roots in your childhood that may go back beyond the index trauma you have identified as the 'cause') has shaped the life you have ended up in.

I am saying these things because I am (to some extent) you. I can see the desperate paddling of the psychological feet under the surface beneath the gliding swan of self-deprecation, self-effacement, self-improvement, self-blame.

I know it's frightening, but you have to accept the fact that you will never be able to get him to give you what you want no matter what you do. He is never going to make you feel safe and OK, no matter what you do. The finish line will keep on moving back no matter how fast you run at it.

Please stop blaming yourself for everything. Get some counselling and ultimately some therapy. Please stop pandering to him. Really try and have a think about what makes you happy and feel good outside of him.