Rejection sensitivity ruining things?

[TopazSlinky]

Hubby and I have been together a while. But things currently aren’t great.

I feel my rejection sensitivity is ruining everything. I’ll try to keep it brief…

Hubby is self employed and I’m employed. He works around being SAHD (two days a week). I have our children the three days a week (weekend and one week day) when he works - plus two days when they’re in nursery.

Im finding it tricky to get everything done around the house. I cook every meal and prepare lunches for everyone each morning. But unfortunately I can’t seem to make it work. I’m Cosleeping with one of the little ones who wakes multiple times during the night. Hubby used to do bedtime allowing me to start cooking. But he says he needs more time so I changed my routine and now do bedtime.

an average day for me is

Alarm at 5am
shower and get ready (if the cosleeper is still asleep!)
Make packed lunches and breakfast
leave for work at 8am
Hubby does the nursery run at 8am two days a week
I come home from work at 5/5:30 depending on meetings.
Make children’s tea
Do bath time and bedtime
Make hubby’s and my tea
Eat and watch some TV

Some mornings hubby hasn’t managed to shower which is why I changed my alarm to half an hour earlier. I know it’s my fault if cosleeper wakes up. I try to take that kiddie in the bathroom with me but it’s tricky.

I’ve had to impose some rules on myself based on what he’s said has been bothering him. I know I’m not the perfect wife or mother but I am trying. I leave my phone away from me and don’t reply to messages from colleagues while we are watching TV together. He was frustrated that I was “doing work” in the evenings as well as at work. I understand that and have acted on it to make things better.

he says he has no life so I’ve stopped doing my fitness class to allow him time to do a hobby perhaps. He hasn’t started anything yet but appreciates that he now has more time to do so.

because I’m exhausted from doing all the night wakes and bedtimes etc, I now go to bed a lot earlier. This doesn’t really make much difference as I think cosleeper senses I’m there and wakes earlier.

My stomach hurts so much and I know it’s linked to rejection sensitivity - I’ve felt this way on and off since childhood. My insecurities are ruining everything and I just can’t cope. I cry so much and feel like I’m forever making mistakes. I say sorry but he often doesn’t respond. I know he’s fed up with me creating problems. I just don’t know how to cope with my rejection sensitivity and make this relationship work.

I feel like he is exploiting that vulnerability in you.

I don’t understand how he can’t be expected to pull his weight because the kids are clingy, but you expect yourself to do everything and still take care of the (clingy) children. You’re being far too hard on yourself and making excuses for him. You’re martyring yourself because you’re scared of losing him. He’s an arse. He doesn’t even properly contribute financially despite working so “hard”. You need to take back control. Look after your own needs.

It helps him out as well OP because it's also his house and they're also his children.

He should be pulling his weight. For example you can take it in turns to do the morning and evening routines. You can take it in turns to do lunches. You both have time with the children and can do chores during that time.

Single parents do chores with clingy children so he'll have to learn to deal with it.

Rejection sensitivity as a term is not a recognised diagnosis BUT I think what you are describing certainly started in childhood and that is recognised .

Were your parents emotionally unavailable and or difficult to please?. Did one of other threaten to leave all the time or actually left you all?, this to me sounds like a toxic mix of people pleasing behaviour (ie if I do as I think they want me to do they will
like me more) and abandonment issues. You need to see a therapist as a matter of priority and I also think your H is exploiting those issues you have for his own ends.

I feel like he's a bastard. What would you like to happen in this situation?

I highly doubt he'll leave you when he's got you where you have zero time, anxious as hell to have any social life & everything as he wants it.

But he isn’t single - we are a team.

Ps it's not you ruining everything. It's him.

I don’t want to divulge details about my childhood as it’s painful for me.

I have seen people in the past. Currently I can’t afford to see anyone and I don’t have the time either.

I just want to stop messing things up all the time. I am trying so hard to be a better wife and mother. It’s so difficult though. Things will get better but my insecurities make it difficult for him.

Dosen't sound like there is much teamwork going on.

OP you're very selective in the issues addressed. I didn't say he was single, I said that single people have to get chores done and cope with children. They don't have anyone to pick up the slack, therefore I'm sure he can cope.

Go back to your gym class. And sometimes talk to your work colleagues at night. You seem determined to martyr yourself at the alter of marriage and motherhood like many others on mumsnet when there really isn't any need and if anything it becomes annoying to those around you.

You’re not a team. He’s only looking out for his own self interests and if his s/e is not profitable or is more like a hobby job he needs alternative
employment.

And you’re a fool not to want to return to your exercise class!. What is he like too when you go out in the evening, does he give you looks of disapproval beforehand and or moans?. It’s easy to think it’s your fault when the fault actually lies with him.

Is he getting the children dressed and ready for nursery?

Sorry. I didn’t think I was doing that. I don’t really have many people around me to annoy so I guess that is probably why.

Sometimes. We tend to share it.

Obviously he is useless and honestly I would warn him he either bucks up or fucks off.

As an aside but why does it take 3 hours to get ready in the morning?

DH works shifts so either he was out or helping as back from a Nightshift. We have 3 kids and when they were little we would get up at 7am and have everyone out the door by 8.15am.

When on my own I would give kids breakfast and eat mine. Bigger ones got dressed while I tided and made lunches (DH makes his own because he is a grown man). I then dressed youngest. Left them playing while had 5 mins shower (brought baby with me into bathroom when little) and got dressed. Kids Teeth, hair, bags, the dreaded shoes and coats then out the door.

I would have been an absolute wreck if I woke up at 5am everyday.

It doesn’t happen very often as I mostly stay home. When I do go out, he tells me I look nice.

You do not need money to contact NAPAC and they I think would be of great help to you. Always remember what happened to you was not your fault, the blame lies solely with the perpetrators .

How is he trying to be a better man and husband to you?.

I think it sounds OK actually. Sorry to say but you are doing far less than most mums I know, single and with a partner: which doesn’t mean it’s OK. Men are notorious for ring fencing their time. Start to put down some non negotiables too. And get therapy!!! Best thing you can do given past etc

Cosleeping child is usually awake for the day at 6am and if I don’t get up earlier, I don’t get that chance to get ready properly. There’s a lot to do on a morning and I like to do my hair properly too.

And why do you stay home?. Is it purely through choice or are there other pressures. After all you gave up your exercise class so he could apparently have more time. If he had been a decent sort he would have told you not to do that just for him.

Yes. I realise I’m not pulling my weight and I’m trying to change things. I understand why it’s frustrating to live with someone like me and I do desperately want to change. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that I recognise the flaws in myself.

What flaws?

I can’t afford to go out really. I pay for hubby’s and child’s season tickets to a sport they enjoy watching. So there isn’t a huge amount of time anyway as there are so many games.

plus I don’t have many friends either.