Rejection sensitivity ruining things?

[TopazSlinky]

Hubby and I have been together a while. But things currently aren’t great.

I feel my rejection sensitivity is ruining everything. I’ll try to keep it brief…

Hubby is self employed and I’m employed. He works around being SAHD (two days a week). I have our children the three days a week (weekend and one week day) when he works - plus two days when they’re in nursery.

Im finding it tricky to get everything done around the house. I cook every meal and prepare lunches for everyone each morning. But unfortunately I can’t seem to make it work. I’m Cosleeping with one of the little ones who wakes multiple times during the night. Hubby used to do bedtime allowing me to start cooking. But he says he needs more time so I changed my routine and now do bedtime.

an average day for me is

Alarm at 5am
shower and get ready (if the cosleeper is still asleep!)
Make packed lunches and breakfast
leave for work at 8am
Hubby does the nursery run at 8am two days a week
I come home from work at 5/5:30 depending on meetings.
Make children’s tea
Do bath time and bedtime
Make hubby’s and my tea
Eat and watch some TV

Some mornings hubby hasn’t managed to shower which is why I changed my alarm to half an hour earlier. I know it’s my fault if cosleeper wakes up. I try to take that kiddie in the bathroom with me but it’s tricky.

I’ve had to impose some rules on myself based on what he’s said has been bothering him. I know I’m not the perfect wife or mother but I am trying. I leave my phone away from me and don’t reply to messages from colleagues while we are watching TV together. He was frustrated that I was “doing work” in the evenings as well as at work. I understand that and have acted on it to make things better.

he says he has no life so I’ve stopped doing my fitness class to allow him time to do a hobby perhaps. He hasn’t started anything yet but appreciates that he now has more time to do so.

because I’m exhausted from doing all the night wakes and bedtimes etc, I now go to bed a lot earlier. This doesn’t really make much difference as I think cosleeper senses I’m there and wakes earlier.

My stomach hurts so much and I know it’s linked to rejection sensitivity - I’ve felt this way on and off since childhood. My insecurities are ruining everything and I just can’t cope. I cry so much and feel like I’m forever making mistakes. I say sorry but he often doesn’t respond. I know he’s fed up with me creating problems. I just don’t know how to cope with my rejection sensitivity and make this relationship work.

Surely this post is a wind up? No one could actually be such a drippy doormat.

What are your husband's flaws? How has your husband tried to change himself to accommodate your needs?

He will load the dishwasher after I’ve cooked if I haven’t managed to do it. He also works in the garden and does the DIY stuff. Sorry I didn’t mention those things. He definitely does more than I said. Sorry.

No wonder he needs a lie in.

Sorry you feel that way about me. This post is genuine but I realise I shouldn’t have posted. Sorry.

He does a physical role so is tired. He will often fall asleep if he ever does put the kids to bed. Which then makes tea a bit tricky as I’m not sure when he will be coming down.

Yes you should have posted. Stop minimising your needs.
You have every right to post.
You said you woke up feeling frustrated. Good. What’s the message in that frustration for you?

Stop apologising!!!! See a therapist!!!

He can be grumpy and he finds it tricky to deal with my disorganisation so he will give me the silent treatment.

I am rhe higher earner too in our house. I took a paycut so he could go back to work. He was able to find something office based that paid a bit more. And i took a second freelance contract that is work from home too.
Tbh none of it is ideal, i am definitely sacrificing my career and sanity for his atm. But he just couldnt cope at all with the wfh sahd situation whereas I can, but I definitely feel I am majorly sacrificing to enable him to work outside the home.
Its actually really shit isnt it.

Eh? Why on earth are you blaming yourself?

Go back to your class. You can't turn yourself inside out for someone who just wants more.

Maybe it's time he upped his work hours and use childcare instead.

I disagree Topaz, you did the right thing in posting. You may not like all the responses but rejection sensitivity whilst not recognised in the DSM V can also come from trauma. And I think you remain very much stuck and traumatised by what happened to you in childhood. Your h is now taking advantage of this re you berating yourself so.

loading the dishwasher take 10-15 minutes at most , that is not much out of his day. And the gardening and DIY does not have to be done every day either.

You need to stop this mindset of how you're so flawed, you're making his life difficult etc. it's so unhealthy.

You need to urgently work on this because it will severely affect your children. They will pick up their mum has such low self esteem and a low opinion of herself. They will also pick up on your relationship dynamic and think that's what a relationship should be like. Do you want that for them?
It's not about you anymore.

OK Stop.

You are overtired and struggling to manage that is clear.

You either don't have any self esteem, or something is sucking the life out of you.

Rejection sensitivity is just another way of saying you are feeling sorry for your self. All human are sensitive to rejection as its very closely linked to survival. You can get better at managing it through some therapy and medication.

He gives you the silent treatment or he’s frustrated with you. @TopazSlinky thats an abuse / control tactic and recognised as such by many organisations.

you really need counselling. You can access some free (if in UK) through GPs and some women’s centres and some online organisations. You need to make time for it.

And his silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse. The only acceptable level
of abuse in a relationship is none.

Here we go...

The silent treatment is emotional abuse. You're so lacking in confidence and self critical because your husband is constantly criticising you. He's made your life very small now that he's stopped you doing your exercise class.

Your 'disorganisation' is from feeling overwhelmed at having to do everything and trying to meet your husband's exacting standards.

Like you said, you're a team but unfortunately your teammate has forgotten that. If you're exhausted he should step up. He dismissed your needs as 'whinging'.

He sounds like a peach.

OP youe husband is telling you to jump and you're getting out the trampoline.
You matter. You are important. You need your fitness class and hobbies too. There are seven days in a week so plenty of time for you both to have a few nights to do whatever you want to do plus a few nights for family time/couple time.
I think he's testing the boundaries here because he knows he can. When you said he doesn't do his hobbie but he's glad you've given up your class so he has the option- this isn't OK. This is controlling and manipulative behaviour.

But it’s not clear from your OP (unless I missed it), how these feelings of potential rejection are ruining everything?

All I can see is a mother running herself into the ground trying to appease a man who on the face of it doesn’t appear to give a shit.

All of us can see what he really is.

There’s not much team playing going on here OP.

No idea what rejection sensitivity is. As far as I can see your husband is a lazy selfish fucker and you are turning yourself inside out and upside down trying to make his life even easier than it already it, to your own detriment.

Start treating him with the consideration (or lack of) that he treats you with and see how he likes it.

In what way are they difficult for him? I can’t see this has been explained?

@TopazSlinky I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

From the outside it's clear what your priorities should be:

• stop apologising for existing
• go back to your exercise class
• talk to people about this, even just posting here
• seek therapy
• see him for what he is (and possibly leave him)

Sorry to point this out, but he's taking advantage of you and destroying any self esteem you have left.

Yes. I’m convinced I have ADHD. Began the diagnosis process but can’t afford to have it done and the wait on the NHS is so long. I just wondered if it is worth it or not.