Rejection sensitivity ruining things?

[TopazSlinky]

Hubby and I have been together a while. But things currently aren’t great.

I feel my rejection sensitivity is ruining everything. I’ll try to keep it brief…

Hubby is self employed and I’m employed. He works around being SAHD (two days a week). I have our children the three days a week (weekend and one week day) when he works - plus two days when they’re in nursery.

Im finding it tricky to get everything done around the house. I cook every meal and prepare lunches for everyone each morning. But unfortunately I can’t seem to make it work. I’m Cosleeping with one of the little ones who wakes multiple times during the night. Hubby used to do bedtime allowing me to start cooking. But he says he needs more time so I changed my routine and now do bedtime.

an average day for me is

Alarm at 5am
shower and get ready (if the cosleeper is still asleep!)
Make packed lunches and breakfast
leave for work at 8am
Hubby does the nursery run at 8am two days a week
I come home from work at 5/5:30 depending on meetings.
Make children’s tea
Do bath time and bedtime
Make hubby’s and my tea
Eat and watch some TV

Some mornings hubby hasn’t managed to shower which is why I changed my alarm to half an hour earlier. I know it’s my fault if cosleeper wakes up. I try to take that kiddie in the bathroom with me but it’s tricky.

I’ve had to impose some rules on myself based on what he’s said has been bothering him. I know I’m not the perfect wife or mother but I am trying. I leave my phone away from me and don’t reply to messages from colleagues while we are watching TV together. He was frustrated that I was “doing work” in the evenings as well as at work. I understand that and have acted on it to make things better.

he says he has no life so I’ve stopped doing my fitness class to allow him time to do a hobby perhaps. He hasn’t started anything yet but appreciates that he now has more time to do so.

because I’m exhausted from doing all the night wakes and bedtimes etc, I now go to bed a lot earlier. This doesn’t really make much difference as I think cosleeper senses I’m there and wakes earlier.

My stomach hurts so much and I know it’s linked to rejection sensitivity - I’ve felt this way on and off since childhood. My insecurities are ruining everything and I just can’t cope. I cry so much and feel like I’m forever making mistakes. I say sorry but he often doesn’t respond. I know he’s fed up with me creating problems. I just don’t know how to cope with my rejection sensitivity and make this relationship work.

I’m not writing responses to deliberately get any kind of response or words about not needing to apologise. I am like this in real life and apologise for doing and saying things because I mess up a lot. Or I feel like I do. I overthink on a grand scale and relive conservations - some of which are several years ago. It’s part of who I am. I know it isn’t healthy.

My point - hastily typed on my phone while I'm waiting to get through to the GP - is that, when you're posting on MN in a state of distress, having other people "call BS" on a problem that's really affecting you really doesn't help. Perhaps say nothing if you can't say something nice? Sometimes MN can be amazing for help and support and other times it can just help to kick you when you're already down.

I remember some of the "BS" replies I got VERY occasionally when I'm on MN because I remember how vulnerable and distressed I was and how horrible it was to have a handful of people minimise and dismiss what I was going through. But I guess that's the risk you take when you ask for help from strangers. I do wish people would think a bit more before posting sometimes as being kicked when you're down already is a horrible feeling.

I also remember some of the kindness I got from people and how it helped me. I came across a PM from that time again recently from a lovely person who had reached out to me and I was very touched that she had taken the time to do that.

OP both you and your husband are working, why don't you have any money for an assessment or therapy? Are finances shared?

You talk about RSD but I’m not clear where that sense - real or imaginary - of rejection lies. How does your DH trigger your RSD? I have it (adhd diagnosed) and know for eg that it happens when I perceive someone I love doesn’t love me or isn’t thinking about me.
it seems to me your DHs entire behaviour towards you is showing he neither loves nor thinks about you. you don’t particularly have RSD, you have valid normal emotional responses to being taken for granted, ignored, criticised and having the fucking life squeezed out of you.

someone has given you the life message that you are not lovable or enough as you are, that you need to earn love and consideration and that it is your sole responsibility to make life better for others.

get counselling, please, because the pain in your mind can be calmed and your sense of self hate and self blame - which makes you devalue yourself even more - will go away.

Op, you’ve had some great advice here.

Your relationship is totally imbalanced. You do far more. You and your h should work equal hours and have equal rest time.

He should not be telling you how to spend your free time. he should continue equally financially and do equal childcare and housework.

He should make your life better and easier.

You are feeling anxious because your relationship is so stressful. Your h sounds horrible.

Could you ring Women’s Aid for advice and to chat things through?

This!

I didn't word my reply very well. I don't obsess about those replies but I've been reminded of them since logging back into MN for some help with something again recently after a period of a few years. And I'm sorry people are minimising what you're going through. It's not helpful.

I agree with others that there seems to be a huge imbalance in your workloads and you seem to be doing all the work - emotional, housework, paid work and childcare - to keep things going. I guess you know that deep down and that's why you posted on MN. I think often people post on here because they know the answer but need validation that what they're thinking is correct. I hope things get better for you.

I feel quite worried for you OP. You are trying to live up to some ideal that doesn’t exist. You talk about what you describe as your ‘flaws’ but really you are just doing what we all do which is muddle through and try our best.
What about your DH, what could he do differently that would make life better?
i am no doctor but the rejection sensitivity you mention sounds a little like walking on eggshells trying to please someone and being told it’s never enough so you feel on edge.
You are not wholly responsible for your DH’s life. If he is lonely working at home, he needs to take steps to change that, not ask you to change the limited options you have for down time and connection. Why does he need that specific hour you had for your fitness class?
To me it looks like he is trying to control you and is wanting everything ti revolve around him. You must be exhausted. I know you can’t convey the full ins and out of a relationship in a post but just offer my thoughts on what I’ve read.

What?! He can't do paperwork because you're watching TV?

Also, why is his job not making him any money? He has a family, get a paying job!

If it's a mistake, stop replying!

Go easy! The OP has had some harsh responses. It's clearly not a mistake to post and ask for help.

I’m sorry OP, you’re not working on yourself at all.
You’re working yourself ragged for everybody else’s sake.

our money is separate. Hubby contributes when he can - for example he will buy groceries every now and then.

Please forgive my directness.

What comes across is internalised misogyny so deeply rooted you will justify any behaviour by or words from your partner as acceptable and reasonable while (seemingly) blaming yourself for his failures and giving that blame a psycho-wellness title of “rejection sensitivity dysphoria”.

You are entitled to joy, to self-actualisation, to time for hobbies and to life with a partner who wants to spend time with you, even if that sometimes means putting the kids to bed together or cooking dinner together. It’s called sharing the load.

One small thing - can you eat dinner with the kids a few nights a week? Or at least do some batch cooking so that you don’t cook dinner every night of the week for two seatings.

Is the money separate at his suggestion?. Do you actually know what his earnings are from
his self employment?. Is his job making a profit?.

If your husband isn't bringing in any money through his business then perhaps he'd be better off getting another job. At least then he'd have a regular income and can contribute more to the household.

You should up your hours if you are having to support both of you. He can go part time and pick up the slack since you're the higher earner.

I’d also be tired op of making your own self the person who does not matter. You bloody well do matter !. Who taught you that you do not matter and or to put other people’s needs first with your own dead last?. Your parents as well as your h now have an awful lot to answer for.

What do you mean by he 'sometimes allows you to go back to bed'? He isn't your boss. You are doing more of everything, childcare (which includes all bedtimes, co-sleeping, waking with the children), earning money, household tasks, all the cooking and the mental load.

While do you feel subservient to him? He shouldn't rely on you for friendship and entertainment. He sounds like a needy child.

You are greatly exaggerating and bigging up his contribution to your family life. I'm not sure why you are doing this but he sounds like a waste of space.

He's horrible! What are you modelling to your kids?

What do you pay for and what does her pay for? It sounds like he is keeping all his money and you are paying for everything. If so, why is that?

Troll hunting isn't allowed. If you don't think this is real, report the post. If it is real, you could drive away a poster that really needs some sensible advice about her totally shit situation and awful DH.

OP, you are being an absolute doormat, and I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it because it's the truth of the situation, and it's very hard to respect someone who doesn't respect themselves, so it will impact how others treat you.

Do you really think your husband is contributing to the relationship as much as you are?

You pay for almost everything, including HIS hobby at the expense of your own, you do the cleaning, the cooking, the night wakings, the bulk of the childcare, you cater to his ever whim whilst he doesn't do the same for you, you are completely disrespecting your own needs. Wife is not a job title.

You really need to get some more therapy, stop paying for his hobby, he can get off his arse and fund it himself, you having therapy is far more important.

Why doesn’t he ALL the time? Why are you the person who has to make everything work? Just because he gets sad doesn’t mean everything has to revolve around him. You are sad too! Why isn’t he working harder to make sure his meal ticket is happy and rested?

'Alarm at 5am
shower and get ready (if the cosleeper is still asleep!)
Make packed lunches and breakfast
leave for work at 8am'

Your husband should be doing more of this but how does this take 3 hours! People have run a marathon and have an hour to spare in that time.

OP go back and look at your own replies here. Do you notice how often you apologise!? It's so excessive. I'm willing to bet you do the same to your husband - it's reflective in how you're so over-focused on your own 'flaws' and 'being better' whilst making endless excuses for him.

Nobody EVER needs to apologise for doing their best, and you sound like you are. And before you say, 'But I could do better', if you're running at 50% or even 80% capacity, and that's what you give, then you're giving 100% - of what you have.

You sound a lot like my sister. She was in what I knew was an abusive relationship, but she couldn't see it. She was young (early 20s), and she rang me up one day all proud of herself. She'd made herself a schedule so that when she came home from work, she knew exactly what she should be doing and when... So 6:15pm was tidy up the bedroom, 6:30pm was start dinner etc etc.

As she talked, she was voicing all the little comments that her boyfriend had fed into her brain in a drip drip drip. That she was messy, disorganised, could do more/better/faster... but she/he were wrapping it up like some 'self improvement' drive, rather than what it was, which was a toxic cycle of criticism and hoop-jumping.

Meanwhile, predictably, the boyfriend 'worked hard' (in the same place, doing the SAME job), 'was tired' and would want a gold star for putting his plate in the fucking sink.

You need balance - you can't just keep pushing yourself harder and harder and concentrating on where YOU can do better. Where's the give and take, working as a team? You've mentioned where you've tried to lighten HIS load, but where is he PROACTIVELY lightening yours? By that I mean thinking for himself how he can help you, not you having to ask.

You might do well to write down over the next week what both you and DH did, each task/duty/chore. Also a separate list for how much free time you had. Not to fuel resentment, but so YOU can see how you're breaking your back for 'the family' but change needs to happen before you burn yourself out. No decent man would see the discrepancy in the two lists and let you carry on as you are.