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Original poster

Husband had an affair - advice needed!

921 replies

Strawberrina · 09/04/2025 11:13

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

OP posts:
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5
OchreRaven · 09/04/2025 12:20

I feel for you. I’m not sure I could live like that even if I truly believed it was over. Did he confess or did you find out? Are you certain it is not still going on/ wouldn’t start up again?

If you have any doubts then your marriage won’t survive them working together in such an intimate setting. You need to face that reality. If your marriage is worth more than money and/ or you are willing to move then that’s a choice he can make. If he prioritises his career and other woman over your family then you have your answer.

Piggled · 09/04/2025 12:25

The affair is almost certainly continuing.

honestly why bother?

Odiebay · 09/04/2025 12:33

Get yourself over to the surviving infidelity website.

How aptly I would be long gone but of you are determined to stay there are certain no negotiables for me... He needs to find another job.

He is on a serious abuse of power stance here being her manager. 25 years his junior...disgusting

Eggsboxedandmelting · 09/04/2025 12:36

Urgh even if no opportunity to have sex with her he is still having a day to day relationship with her..
He broke his vows and therefore your marriage is over imo.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/04/2025 12:43

How did you find out about the affair and what did you husband say/do? I don't think that you can get your marriage back on track if he is still managing her and seeing her every day. What is your situation with your job/finances/children if you split up?

FartSock5000 · 09/04/2025 12:44

@Strawberrina nothing has changed, has it? He has told you what you needed to hear but done absolutely nothing to prioritise your marriage.

If he could, he would.

He needed to quit his job. He needed to go to therapy to unpack why he did what he did and how he can resist in the future.

He has done zero self work on himself and he is very likely still cheating because there have been no consequences. You've stuck your head in the sand to mask to pain and it won't work.

You didn't deserve this. You DESERVE to be loved, respected and be your partner's main priority.

Think on it.

AnotherNaCha · 09/04/2025 12:48

I couldn’t get over it. Doubly so if they are still working together. I’m astonished you seem willing to move past it. Is it because you really trust him or just that the alternative is too much to manage right now?

Would be issuing ultimatums about moving jobs or towns. But really, I’d have to leave him personally

carcassonne1 · 09/04/2025 13:19

He is still cheating. I'm surprised you haven't thrown him out.

Lovegame · 09/04/2025 14:14

Has he applied for any other jobs?

Flin · 09/04/2025 14:39

How did you find out OP? Unfortunately I agree with others that it's likely he is still cheating.

Dinoswearunderpants · 09/04/2025 14:41

I personally couldn't do this. I'd be insisting he actively looks for another job but saying that I would never stay with a cheater.

TheMasterplan23 · 09/04/2025 14:43

I can’t offer any advice OP because I honestly couldn’t imagine continuing a marriage with someone that had broken my trust in such a horrible way.
I know I would drive myself crazy everytime he left the house and it would be, for me, a miserable existence.

I think the only way this could work is if he found another job. However inconvenient that may be for him.

category12 · 09/04/2025 14:44

Is he looking for another job?

I think he ought to be applying for everything going.

ReesesCupcake · 09/04/2025 14:47

He or she has to leave. No way can they continue to work together if you are to have any chance of working this out.

Doesn't seem like anything has changed, and this must be torture for you each day.

He will have to commute if needs be or you move. He doesn’t sound serious at prioritising his marriage to me.

SALaw · 09/04/2025 14:50

For me the options are: move elsewhere for a different job; he commutes a further distance for a different job; he takes a lesser paid job elsewhere; she leaves; or you split up. Staying as is would not be an option for me

category12 · 09/04/2025 14:54

ReesesCupcake · 09/04/2025 14:47

He or she has to leave. No way can they continue to work together if you are to have any chance of working this out.

Doesn't seem like anything has changed, and this must be torture for you each day.

He will have to commute if needs be or you move. He doesn’t sound serious at prioritising his marriage to me.

Edited

He has to leave.

She might leave if she wants, but he shouldn't have screwed someone he manages. He could open himself and his employer up to issues if there's any kind of pressure on her to leave.

Ener · 09/04/2025 14:59

Fuck that. He leaves the job or the marriage. One or the other.

Coconutter24 · 09/04/2025 14:59

If you can’t get over it you either need to move to a new town where there is job options for him or stay in the town you are and split. I can’t see no middle ground

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 09/04/2025 15:08

Echo others here. I’m not always a straight to LTB sort as I have seen marriages recover from adultery, BUT no way in hell should he be staying in that job if he is serious about reconciliation. He’s opened the company up to all sorts of risk and as the manager who abused his power he needs to exit.
You will never know whether it’s really over whilst he insists on seeing her every day. And she knows you found out, so if she got dumped by him why is she sticking around? It’s either still going on or she has hopes to win him over again.
Absolutely non-negotiable. He doesn’t get to prioritise his job (and OW) over his family anymore.
If he’s not prepared to make the necessary changes then you have your answer and it’s time to accept the marriage is over.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 09/04/2025 15:56

I'm sorry to say, but you've reconciled too soon. You've tried to move on without him doing the work/making the changes HE needs to make to facilitate moving on. You can't heal while he's carrying on inflicting daily pain on you.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 09/04/2025 16:09

I don't think you should have agreed to move on, knowing they'd be working together. It's naive to think there is no longer a connection between them and that they don't discuss what happened.

I'm so sorry - this has happened to me and it's really awful.

ackarackaru · 09/04/2025 16:10

a lot is relevant here.

how did you find out about the affair?
how are you trying to fix it?
why are you trying to fix it?
is he refusing to change jobs?
What do you want?

MsDogLady · 10/04/2025 06:20

@Strawberrina, can you please elaborate?

How long had your H’s affair/double life been going on before discovery?
How did you find out?
What work has he done to restore trust and be a safe partner?

Of great significance is what recovery requirements you set up when you agreed to reconcile. Relationship counselors strongly advise the betrayer to cut contact with the affair partner and to change jobs if that person is at work. Otherwise, the illicit intimacy and proximity are still present, and the stress on the betrayed partner is too great. Healing cannot be achieved.

A truly remorseful Husband would be NC with OW and would actively search for a new job. He would not leave his Wife in a tortured state by staying in the daily cozy environment with the woman who helped him harm her.

It’s abhorrent that he shat all over your marriage, abused you, stole your agency, and risked your health. His having a full-blown affair with his 25-years younger subordinate is further evidence of his moral and ethical bankruptcy. I would have already walked away.

Can you tell us more so we can help, @Strawberrina?

Tbrh · 10/04/2025 06:22

I'd assume your relationship is doomed unless one of them leaves the workplace. Even if he's super remorseful and/or the woman isn't interested, there's probably still temptation

NeedToChangeName · 10/04/2025 07:10

I'd assume the affair is continuing, TBH

If he was serious about saving the marriage, he wouldn't expect you to tolerate this

You can control his behaviour, or hers. But you can take control of your own destiny

Personally, I'd end the relationship. But I've always been very black and white about fidelity. For me, if my DH cheated, it would be game over, no question. Appreciate others feel differently