Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

Wow this is worse than the first post. He loves her! He hasn’t even said it was a fling, he’s sorry it meant nothing!!

Have his colleagues reacted to the affair as they must be aware of what is happening? It puts them in an awkward position and makes your husband vulnerable should anyone wish to exploit it. Surely it's only a matter of time before senior management find out and there could possibly be serious consequences for your husband. Have you raised this with him?

But you’re not dealing with the consequences. You’ve not given him any consequences. You’re just trying to move on and forget about it. That’s impossible whilst they are still in each others lives.

The natural consequence of a husband having an affair and falling in love with another woman is divorce.

Why do you want to stay with him?

I ended my 30 year marriage after I discovered my husband was having an “emotional affair” (?) with a much younger woman he found “extremely attractive “. I was 50 years old and menopausal. It was the worst time of my life . 10 years later I’m in a very loving relationship and don’t regret my decision. Please don’t lose yourself in this marriage / it really can get better xx

She won’t have complained about it because it will still be going on.

That happened to my friend and she put huge pressure on her DH to swap jobs so he never had to see the woman again .
He did
But to a job with half the salary.
Not good outcome
But they stayed together

And haven't you wondered why that is? Because they're still shagging, maybe, and she's still getting all the benefits of being the boss's girlfriend?

Sorry but are you really sure it's over. I've witnessed many office affairs over the years and when it ends it gets very messy, very difficult and one of them moves team, department or leaves, usually the woman.

Also, just wanted to say, don’t be my mum.

She forgave my dad for a couple of affairs over the years. Then one day he left her for his secretary 20 years his junior because he loved her.

In all likelihood, your DH will leave you at some point. If he doesn’t love you enough to stop him falling in love with someone else, then I doubt he loves you enough to see you through old age. I’m sorry that sounds harsh.

If I were you I’d be making plans for the marriage to end on my terms, not his. Be very careful, he could well be making plans right now.

@Strawberrina I can’t get my head around how passive you are being about his affair. He betrayed you and all you can say is it happened and there’s nothing you can do about it. That like saying there there, you have had/are having an affair so don’t do it again. No consequences, no accountability, no actions. You are just letting him walk all over you.
What do you want to happen in the future and what are you going to do about it? Because he sure isn’t going to change anything.

He does not love or respect you Op. How can you have such little respect for yourself to accept this.

Hi @SallyWD I do find it gross. But it's already done and I can't change it. Of course, I wish he would never have had an affair. I have to now deal with the consequences.
BUT your dealing with consequences of his affair whilst he still gets to spend every day with the love of his life ! This is wrong in do many ways - if this was your daughter/son would you be happy for them to shut up/put up with this behaviour from a partner? Set a good example and show the cheating rat bag the door. Stop making excuses (all about location/money etc) it’s about your dignity/respect neither of which he has for you so have some for yourself. You will never be happy with this excuse of a man ever again. What exactly are you scared of loosing? Are you worried they will get together if you make him leave? You loose nothing he’s already with her. Sorry to be so harsh but you need to take more control of your life & stop being a doormat.

There was a couple at my old workplace having an affair. Everyone knew and pitied the poor wife when she came to work functions. The wife eventually found out and he promised to end things but wouldn't leave his important job of course. She forgave him and they stayed together. The man and the other woman continued the affair but were just more careful, although it was still obvious to everyone at work.
His wife found out again a couple of years later and forgave him again. He continued the affair and it was still going on when I left 12 years ago. The last I heard from former colleagues is that they're still at it!
I wouldn't believe that he's ended things OP. He's spending 8 (?) Hours a day with a woman he's in love with and who he's been having sex with. There's absolutely no way this is finished business.

@Strawberrina the thing is, the fact that "He loves two women, but in different ways" is not any sort of excuse, or reason for how he has behaved.

I think a lot of people, men and women, could potentially love two (or more) people in different ways, if we allowed ourselves to. When we are in a relationship with someone, we all have the potential to be attracted to others, and even have experiences of deep connection with others. But the question is - do we pursue the connection so that it then develops into inappropriate emotional/ physical intimacy and feelings of love? He made a commitment to you, and by pursuing his initial attraction to this other woman, he has betrayed you. It's not like he is some kind of helpless, passive person, and can't help loving two women. He has chosen to do so, and crossed the boundaries that you and he had together.

And if he wants to try to save your relationship, he now needs to make a choice to choose you and your relationship, by changing jobs, or whatever else it takes.

Make plans to go out on your own, ideally with single friends. Get all your ducks in a row, details of all finances, check who holds deeds to the house, look for pension information.See a solicitor. Find out your rights before he cuts the ground from beneath you. Speak to your DC in a careful non aggressive way. Speak to friends. Start really planning a life without him whilst you still have some power. Because he will eventually check out. You can do this. Believe me you will feel much better. Maybe not immediately but you will. And the alternative is to leave things as they are with him still seeing her, all trust gone, and continual erosion of your confidence and self respect. Sending all the best wishes in the world

OP you seem very passive about this, and the advise from MN users.

He says he loves two women.

Actually, if we use the bullshit translator on this it would mean he loves what comes with you, the washing of his clothes, the cooking, and lets not forget HIS reputation.

You say you are dealing with the consequences, its a choice OP, a choice .

He is not holding your marriage over you, you are.

He loves the other woman as she is younger and gives him the ego boost HE needs, He does not care for either of you.

And here is why. This affair has not cost him anything, he has not given it a single thought that he is risking this womans job, your sexual welfare, and clearly loves the fact that he has his job, says he is looking? He is not, what he is doing is telling you things he knows you want to hear in order to keep you where he knows you feel comfortable, for HIS gain only, HIS gain.

He is selfish and you will end up really messed up from this, financially and emotionally.

Is being married to someone you ones knew that vital for your survival and existence? Becasue the man you now know is lying to you every single hour of every single day and he is comfortable with it. Very comfortable.

You may not think they are laughing at you but what do you think they are saying to each other on the moments they are left alone at work? They have had an intimate relationship which only ended because you found out. They still love each other and will be telling each other how difficult the situation is and how they wish they could be together (if they are not still shagging anyway).

Even if they aren’t physically acting on it, they want to be around each other otherwise one of them would have moved jobs because it was too hard to work closely together all week. He obviously hasn’t shut it down to the point where it’s now awkward. He could be slowly getting things in place so that he is in a better financial position when he leaves you. Or he could be genuine about wanting to make it work but the problem is you will never know because he isn’t trustworthy.

Right now he is still having his cake and eating it too. He’s got you at home who has forgiven him, and OW at work sharing longing glances and feeding his ego.

Show him you are worthy of respect as he doesn’t seem to come to that conclusion on his own. Lay down the conditions on which your marriage will work. Give him a deadline to find another job or leave is current one. If his new job is not as prestigious/ pay as well then that is a consequence both of you will have to pay for his actions rather than just you paying emotionally with your self worth and peace of mind.

You want advice? Find some self respect and dump him. How can you trust him again?

Only you can know if it's not worth continuing & you might not have enough information to decide that OP.

Here's a great site to help you navigate your way through these difficult times. Remember to be really kind to yourself in your mind. You are not the reason this happened. People who say they love two people actually only love themselves.

https://www.chumplady.com/

It’s unlikely they are laughing at you. Contrary to belief on MN, these kinds of relationships generally destroy everyone in one way or another. I am surprised by your passivity though, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he leaves you for her a few months down the line. Find your anger, find your voice, recognise this isn’t love.

I was going to say similar. I suspect it is still ongoing. He says he "loves two women" and it doesn't sound like they resolved it.

How would it be if you asked him to move out for a bit?

I heard about a woman who suggested her DH "get on with it" and moved him out for 6 months with the OW. He came home with his tail between his legs because it didn't work out when they were faced with the realities of day to day living, only when it was secretive and "exciting".

The risk is he moves out and stays with her, obviously. But you may well benefit from that, too.

25+ years married and he didn’t have the decency to either stop himself or end the marriage if he wanted to be with her. As he didn’t end it, and he’s seeing with her everyday how is he getting over her? If he’s admitted to being in love with her, those feelings don’t just go away. He needs to choose to leave the work situation not only out of respect for you, but also because he’s already proven he doesn’t have the self control to behave himself around her. It’s highly unlikely that it’s over, or at least is very likely it will restart.

@Strawberrina you sound like you are scared to challenge him or lay down boundaries in case you loose him. You almost sound sympathetic that he fell in love with an OW.

You are worth far far more than this though. If you don’t demand him prove his commitment, and rebuild your trust then you will never move past this. If he won’t prove his commitment and put you above all else, then would you stay anyway? You might choose to - but at least you wouldn’t be labouring under false pretences that you’re in anything other than an open marriage.

What do you want?
If he really wanted to find another job he could, even if it entailed relocating.
Are you both seeing a marriage guidance counsellor?

I think people suggesting ultimatums are not thinking about the fact that this approach doesn't usually work. He wants to be with OW, quite clearly. and OP is not pressuring him because ultimately, I think she knows that too.

Its a horrible situation all round OP I'm really sorry.

He could be talking to you about moving cities/ jobs - anything to save the marriage.

I personally couldn't stay with someone who said they loved someone else.

have you had your own therapy?