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Original poster

Husband had an affair - advice needed!

921 replies

Strawberrina · 09/04/2025 11:13

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

OP posts:
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5
Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 10:19

scoobysnaxx · 22/04/2025 10:17

So he admitted he loved her too?

fuck that OP. The affair is probably still going on.

Hi @scoobysnaxx yes... He says that he loves two women (me and OW), but in different ways. We've been married for a long time, a bit over 25 years.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 22/04/2025 10:23

Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 10:07

@rainbowstardrops Would you have divorced your husband if he said that to you?

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Yes. Absolutely!
There was always a phrase when I was younger that if you find someone attractive or whatever then it’s ok to look but you don’t touch.
The fact that he has openly told you he loves her and he’s still working with her, is just down right cruel.
Like I said, he’s got off Scott free with this.

Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 10:28

MrTiddlesTheCat · 09/04/2025 15:56

I'm sorry to say, but you've reconciled too soon. You've tried to move on without him doing the work/making the changes HE needs to make to facilitate moving on. You can't heal while he's carrying on inflicting daily pain on you.

Hi @MrTiddlesTheCat I suspect you are right... as much as I hate to admit it

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 10:30

Diarygirlqueen · 22/04/2025 10:17

My heart aches for you, I can feel your pain.
It's very easy saying to leave him, it's especially hard when you love him.
However, he is saying he loves the ow and he is still working with her. The chances are high this is still continuing or will resume again, you have gave him no consequences. Honestly, I would leave, I couldn't live like this. I'm so sorry x

Hi @Diarygirlqueen you are right. I have given him no consequences, haven't it... I feel like a doormat.

OP posts:
Heregoes234 · 22/04/2025 10:34

Don’t be like me OP. My ex did the same and continued to work with her. I went to therapy and thought we were back on track all the clues they gave it away were gone and they just hid it better till they both decided to leave there partners at the same time two years later leaving me and our kids blindsided. They got in a relationship publicly couple months after he left. I wasted two years thinking it was over . Only difference is the woman was two decades older than me which actually made me feel safe ahaha how silly of me. 😂

OP it’s over and what I can tell you now my ex who was financially well off which was partly why I didn’t want it to end with two small children and worrying how we would cope, is that nothing is worth your inner peace. Each day he left for work it felt like my nervous system had been chucked on a spin cycle. I had illnesses develop my immune system was starting to attack itself and I can tell you nearly two years on from him leaving my chronic health issues have disappeared, yes financially it’s hard but I have peace.

you don’t and won’t have peace.

Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 10:41

Heregoes234 · 22/04/2025 10:34

Don’t be like me OP. My ex did the same and continued to work with her. I went to therapy and thought we were back on track all the clues they gave it away were gone and they just hid it better till they both decided to leave there partners at the same time two years later leaving me and our kids blindsided. They got in a relationship publicly couple months after he left. I wasted two years thinking it was over . Only difference is the woman was two decades older than me which actually made me feel safe ahaha how silly of me. 😂

OP it’s over and what I can tell you now my ex who was financially well off which was partly why I didn’t want it to end with two small children and worrying how we would cope, is that nothing is worth your inner peace. Each day he left for work it felt like my nervous system had been chucked on a spin cycle. I had illnesses develop my immune system was starting to attack itself and I can tell you nearly two years on from him leaving my chronic health issues have disappeared, yes financially it’s hard but I have peace.

you don’t and won’t have peace.

Edited

Hi @Heregoes234 thank you for your response. May I ask if your ex also saw the OW 5 days a week and worked closely with her?

OP posts:
Heregoes234 · 22/04/2025 10:48

Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 10:41

Hi @Heregoes234 thank you for your response. May I ask if your ex also saw the OW 5 days a week and worked closely with her?

Show quote history

Yup. Everyday and the affair never truly ended. I spent two years thinking it had and within months of him leaving they set up a company together and at first he was nice to me and now he’s a multi millionaire and pays me child maintenance or £25 a week for our two children and is angry I have now met someone. I don’t even challenge what he pays me as our children don’t want to spend time with him or his new gf so I’m worse off but we have peace. What I realise now is cheating especially that of a long term affair is an act of utter distain for you and actions are everything. If he’s not making it his mission to change jobs drop contact, couples therapy and all of this together OP you are not in the small percentage of affairs where it works out for you. I did therapy I worked on myself but you need two people to actively keep a relationship alive and healthy. He has broken the trust and I think it’s almost impossible to get that back.

It will eat you up inside. It’s not worth it. You have one life. I’d get my ducks in a row you have a job right? Your kids are older you don’t need to stay. He made thousands of micro actions to cheat, everyday at work every look or text and you found out he didn’t tell you and most likely wouldn’t have.

Heregoes234 · 22/04/2025 10:53

I just want to say I’m really sorry if that is blunt. I understand how consuming and painful this will be for you. It was the worst experience in my life but I’m on the other side and never thought I’d get there but it’s a whole lot better then being in hyper vigilance everyday. Wondering why their actions don’t match to their words.

CJsGoldfish · 22/04/2025 10:53

Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 09:24

Hi @FartSock5000 you are very right that nothing has changed for him... this does anger me to some extent. Thanks for your advice, a lot to think about. I really don't know what I should do. I do love him and we are trying to work on our relationship.

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'We'?
How is HE trying to work on your relationship?

All you've done is clue him up on what gave him away so they both know how to hide it better.
Don't mistake fear of being alone with 'love'. No other reason to accept him spending every day with the woman he admits he loves

Bumblebeestiltskin · 22/04/2025 11:00

If he wanted to prioritise you, and your marriage, he would. The fact that he isn't doing anything, and continues to work with the woman he admits to being in love with, is him taking the piss out of you.

Whether the physical affair is continuing or not, they're probably have a good old laugh at you together on a regular basis. I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to put up with this.

Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 11:02

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 09/04/2025 15:08

Echo others here. I’m not always a straight to LTB sort as I have seen marriages recover from adultery, BUT no way in hell should he be staying in that job if he is serious about reconciliation. He’s opened the company up to all sorts of risk and as the manager who abused his power he needs to exit.
You will never know whether it’s really over whilst he insists on seeing her every day. And she knows you found out, so if she got dumped by him why is she sticking around? It’s either still going on or she has hopes to win him over again.
Absolutely non-negotiable. He doesn’t get to prioritise his job (and OW) over his family anymore.
If he’s not prepared to make the necessary changes then you have your answer and it’s time to accept the marriage is over.

Hi @Nodlikeyouwerelistening yes, she definitely knows that I found out. He did end things with her (I know that for a fact), but you are right, I don't know why she is sticking around. I have never spoken with her myself and don't plan to. She is in the early 30s (I'm early 50s) and apparently pretty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 11:05

Bumblebeestiltskin · 22/04/2025 11:00

If he wanted to prioritise you, and your marriage, he would. The fact that he isn't doing anything, and continues to work with the woman he admits to being in love with, is him taking the piss out of you.

Whether the physical affair is continuing or not, they're probably have a good old laugh at you together on a regular basis. I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to put up with this.

Hi @Bumblebeestiltskin I agree with the first paragraph of your message. I don't know about the second though - apparently she doesn't ask any questions about me or really talks about me (according to husband, anyway).

OP posts:
SallyWD · 22/04/2025 11:14

Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 11:05

Hi @Bumblebeestiltskin I agree with the first paragraph of your message. I don't know about the second though - apparently she doesn't ask any questions about me or really talks about me (according to husband, anyway).

Show quote history

Don't you find it a little gross that your husband, who's in his mid-late 50s, was having sex with a woman in her early 30s and would still be sneaking around behind your back if you hadn't caught him out?
If I was you, I'd show him I'm serious by asking him to move out until he'd found a new job and had cut all contract with the woman. At the moment he's living as if he's done nothing wrong. I really do think he's made a fool out of you.

Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 11:26

SallyWD · 22/04/2025 11:14

Don't you find it a little gross that your husband, who's in his mid-late 50s, was having sex with a woman in her early 30s and would still be sneaking around behind your back if you hadn't caught him out?
If I was you, I'd show him I'm serious by asking him to move out until he'd found a new job and had cut all contract with the woman. At the moment he's living as if he's done nothing wrong. I really do think he's made a fool out of you.

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Hi @SallyWD I do find it gross. But it's already done and I can't change it. Of course, I wish he would never have had an affair. I have to now deal with the consequences.

OP posts:
SunflowersVanGough · 22/04/2025 11:30

Please tell him today that your marriage is over. Contact a solicitor and start a divorce. It is over.

NeverHadHaveHas · 22/04/2025 11:30

I would be gob smacked if the affair has truly ended. He has had no consequences since discovery. If he loves her - as he says he does - what is the down side for him if he carries on seeing her when it’s easy (he sees her daily) and consequence free?
It’s very easy to make a big show of ending the affair in front of you but you have no idea what he’s saying to her in the 40 hours a week he’s with her.

namechangeGOT · 22/04/2025 11:37

OP. Im Not going to say LTB, that’s up to you. But you have given this man no consequences whatsoever. He is having your pants down. So what if he is ‘high up’ in his career, will it kill him to get a new job at a lower level? That’d be his own fault. If he had any remorse for what he has done he would have actively left his job straight away, if only to make you feel a bit more secure. He hasn’t though has he? In fact, what has he done? What efforts has he actually made?

caringcarer · 22/04/2025 11:46

FartSock5000 · 09/04/2025 12:44

@Strawberrina nothing has changed, has it? He has told you what you needed to hear but done absolutely nothing to prioritise your marriage.

If he could, he would.

He needed to quit his job. He needed to go to therapy to unpack why he did what he did and how he can resist in the future.

He has done zero self work on himself and he is very likely still cheating because there have been no consequences. You've stuck your head in the sand to mask to pain and it won't work.

You didn't deserve this. You DESERVE to be loved, respected and be your partner's main priority.

Think on it.

This. He needs to get another job. This might mean moving house too. I'd be seriously wondering if he is worth all this upheaval after what has done. However if you really want to give your marriage a fighting chance he needs to quit this job and you both need to move to a fresh area where no one will know what he did. I don't know how you can beat the constant humiliation as in a small village everyone will know what he did and probably pity you. For me it would be a simple divorce.

Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 11:53

caringcarer · 22/04/2025 11:46

This. He needs to get another job. This might mean moving house too. I'd be seriously wondering if he is worth all this upheaval after what has done. However if you really want to give your marriage a fighting chance he needs to quit this job and you both need to move to a fresh area where no one will know what he did. I don't know how you can beat the constant humiliation as in a small village everyone will know what he did and probably pity you. For me it would be a simple divorce.

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Hi @caringcarer I understand what you're saying. It's not really a village where we live, it's a regional town of about 30k people. Moving to a fresh area is an attractive option, but we own the house and I have a good job in our town. Moving would cause a major upheaval for us. However, I hear what you're saying.

OP posts:
Crazyworldmum · 22/04/2025 11:53

Sorry but this post is so naive ! Not only you “ forgave” him ( why would you ) but you stayed with a man who is at risk of loosing his job at any time , he had an affair with someone who he has authority over , if this gets found , if she gets upset and complains his career is over . Why would I you stay with this over your head ? They are probably still together too . Just move on

SallyWD · 22/04/2025 12:01

Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 11:53

Hi @caringcarer I understand what you're saying. It's not really a village where we live, it's a regional town of about 30k people. Moving to a fresh area is an attractive option, but we own the house and I have a good job in our town. Moving would cause a major upheaval for us. However, I hear what you're saying.

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Then he needs to get another job and commute. Plenty of people do it, especially these days where many jobs are hybrid. He could work from home some days and go in a couple of days a week.
I really think you should ask him to leave home until he's left his job. He needs to prove he wants to save his marriage. At the moment he's done nothing to prove he's serious about his marriage. He's probably still telling her he loves her.

BillyBoe46 · 22/04/2025 12:01

He didnt come clean. He got caught. He hasnt quit his job. Has he promised to to stop shagging her? Has be begged forgiveness?Has he offered to attend couples counselling? Has he applied for new jobs?

He hasn't actually changed anything. Although, imagine he'll be a bit more careful in the future so as not to get caught out. He's probably still shagging her. After all he lives 2woman.

I'm surprised you're staying with him under these circumstances. He betrayed you and your marriage vows. He jepodised your income. He jeopardised your sexual health. He shat all over you from a height so he could get his end away and have an ego boost. There's only one person this guy loves and it isn't you or his bit on the side.

Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 12:21

Crazyworldmum · 22/04/2025 11:53

Sorry but this post is so naive ! Not only you “ forgave” him ( why would you ) but you stayed with a man who is at risk of loosing his job at any time , he had an affair with someone who he has authority over , if this gets found , if she gets upset and complains his career is over . Why would I you stay with this over your head ? They are probably still together too . Just move on

Thanks @Crazyworldmum you are right. Luckily, she hasn't complained about it and told anyone from the management.

OP posts:
Motnight · 22/04/2025 12:26

Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 11:02

Hi @Nodlikeyouwerelistening yes, she definitely knows that I found out. He did end things with her (I know that for a fact), but you are right, I don't know why she is sticking around. I have never spoken with her myself and don't plan to. She is in the early 30s (I'm early 50s) and apparently pretty.

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She's only sticking around in the same way that your DH is though, Op? For the same reasons probably.

Iwannakeepondancing · 22/04/2025 12:29

I would have left him so this wouldn’t be an issue but there is no way I could handle my DH continuing to work with someone he had this affair with. Do you think the feelings have just gone?! You’re letting him see he can walk all over you.