Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

This is why I suggested an ultimatum. It stops this limbo and he makes his choice clear. OP believes they are working on their marriage but it is more likely he is worried about losing half his assets / pension and how he is viewed by his wider family and social circle.

I agree he has made it clear he wants to be with the OW and at the moment he is having his cake and eating it. He can quietly move on from his marriage on his terms because he’s not showing any real signs of trying to distance himself from the OW. If this is the wrong assumption then standing up for herself will allow him to prove he values her over his job and AP.

I agree. An ultimatum will allow her to take back control here. Even if he leaves, at least it will have been on her terms. And if he does leave then he was always going to leave, ultimatum or not

I had an affair with a work colleague which was discovered after about two years. I can almost guarantee that the affair is ongoing. Your husband will be giddy with relief that he doesn’t have to lose his home or lose face with his children and yet can continue to see the ow. I’m sorry op. The only way your marriage is salvageable is if he leaves his job immediately.

He did end things with her ( I know that for a fact)

With respect, @Strawberrina, you aren’t there with them, so you cannot definitively know this.

Many adulterers lie about ending their infidelity to keep their marriage/home comforts/money and their mistresses. Your H has positioned himself in the perfect set up for a continued double life. He has experienced zero consequences to motivate him to make real changes.

If he is in love with OW and is still working closely with her everyday, then the affair is continuing. Their mutual affection, ego validation, physical attraction, emotional bond and reliance, in-jokes — it’s all still there. His love for her is being watered and nurtured by their close proximity on a daily basis.

How long had the affair been going on when you discovered it?

As the injured party, you have the right to set both consequences for his betrayal and requirements for reconciliation. It’s not too late, as you have agency and options.
You can:
*tell him you’re reconsidering the reconciliation and need space
*require his NC with OW
*require his changing jobs
*require CC as well as IC for him
*require open access to his phone, devices and statements
*consult with a solicitor to get information
*access IC to gain clarity and strengthen your self-esteem as you make decisions

Or, you could go ahead and file for divorce (I would) because of his heinous disrespect and disregard — not only via his original betrayal, but also by his subsequent failure to completely cut off his affair partner whom he admits being in love with.

how on earth does he go non contact with a colleague in a small office?

I think people are laboring under the false impression he genuinely wants to reconcile with his wife

Yeah, but you don't have to deal with the consequences for him on his behalf! Fuck his career. Use your power. Get him to quit and then divorce him anyway. See how the OW likes him unemployed!

I would, no doubt about it. Married for 30 years with a 17 year old at home, but it would be over for me.

He has actually told you he loves this young woman OP.
He is seeing her every day.
Their affair is continuing.
It just seems inexplicable that you are seemingly resigned to him making a fool of you.
He really has got it made hasn't he?
Please find your anger and your self respect and end this three way relationship.

Unfortunately I've been the OW in this situation, my manager and all. While of course I can't state categorically that your husband isn't being truthful about them not carrying on, my view is that it's highly likely they still are. If they had feelings for eachother they're not going away any time soon, not seeing eachother every day. If he ended it with her and actually followed through she'd either be left the job by now or have made a scene at work. I made no scene but I did leave, BUT our affair carried on until the day I did, then I cut ties. I had to

Like pp's have said he's having his cake and eating it, even if they have stopped his ego is still being fed by her just being around

She'll likely be hoping he'll one day leave you, and you're at home hoping he's still not seeing her. The only winner in this is him currently, he's treating you both like shit, but it's only you that deserves better

If he were in love with her but couldn’t have her, he’d be looking hard for a new job to get away from her and heal. He’d be sad at work and desperate to move.

He’s not doing that though - because he still has her. The workplace is not miserable and awkward, something to escape. It’s a place where they’re together, content.

Sorry OP. Genuinely. It’s time to pull the plug.

Don't mean to sound harsh but are you sure that you're actually one of the women he supposedly loves?

The last paragraph of this bears repeating @Strawberrina

Thank you all for all your messages and advice @Salad666 @Reddog1 @ReacherOMGyes @Ohmeohmygoodness @Maray1967 @Summerhillsquare @LoobyLott @MsDogLady @EleanorRigby2U @Purplevening @OchreRaven

Those of you who said that the affair was continuing between husband and the OW, were right. I smelt women's perfume on him last week and confronted him about it. He admitted that they exchanged a couple of kisses, hugs, but no sex. I was devastated as he promised me last year that none of this would happen again. I know that many of you would say LTB but, once again, we are trying to fix things. He is very remorseful and promised me again that they will be no physical contact between them moving forward.

He will be going on annual leave and then long service leave for 5 months, from late August this year to late January next year. At this stage, we do not know whether he will be returning to work next year or not - depends also whether the OW still works in the office. On one hand, I, of course, would like him to return to work due to the salary he brings. If he doesn't return, he will be unemployed, we will be relying on my salary only, and new job isn't easy to find at his age (he is in the late 50s). However, the thought of him working with the OW again next year absolutely messes with my head. I don't even know how to describe the feeling.

i say this gently, you are giving him a license to cheat. By taking him back again, you are letting him know that he just has to say sorry and look sad. Twice now he has cheated, he is making a fool out of you

@Devon1987 that's what scares me. It's all such a mess. I don't know if it's possible to love someone and cheat on them.

Why do you think he will completely end the affair this time? Nothing has changed. He knows that you will never ask him to leave, no matter what he does. It's an absolute green light for him to cheat again.

You either resign yourself to being in an open marriage (but on his side only), or you ask him to leave. If you stay together, you won't have a moment's peace as you will be constantly checking for evidence of the ongoing affair.

This. I’m sorry OP, I accept that you still love him but you’re being foolish. If he says he loves her he will just find ways to continue seeing her, even when he’s on leave. You are hanging on to a life that’s dead and gone. I get that the income is a factor, but I couldn’t live with a man who’d treated me like that. Both your children are financially self-sufficient - you need to start getting your ducks in a row, IMO.

I’m so sorry. What a punch to the gut. I agree with the pp that he hasn’t faced any real consequences for his betrayal other than feeling a bit bad but not bad enough not to do it again. If you hadn’t smelt perfume he wouldn’t have confessed. I guess it’s better than gaslighting you but still not a high bar right?

Is this leave of absence new since this incident as a way of moving forward or was it always planned for other reasons? He should be looking for a new job while on leave so that he has options if she remains.

I think right now you are stuck in trying to get him to pick you/ stay away from her mode. Once you stop I think the resentment of how he treated you will grow. Why do you want a man who has continually disrespected you and your love for him. You love only him. He loves you and another woman. I know you want to save your marriage but for that to happen it needs to be led by him not you. He may be going along with your conditions but these are things he should have done without asking. He’s weak and selfish. That’s just something you will need to accept but it’s very unattractive.

Start building your life so whatever happens you will be ok without him. Get a new hobby, meet friends, explore, travel. Find what makes you happy. And if he is part of that then ok but don’t make him your world. He doesn’t deserve it.

I was extremely upset last week when I found out, and he was devastated and remorseful. He swore it wouldn't happen again. He said that the OW was hitting on him (not an excuse, he is a grown man). He promised complete honesty and transparency and tells me what happens in the office each day.

Please OP. Stop being a pick me and get some counselling. On your own.

He will leave you eventually, the only question is whether you can wise up and get things in place to stop you being fucked over financially as well as emotionally.

Nobody who loves you would behave like this.

Hi OP

Im so sorry you're going through this. It's a unbearable place to be.

I found out my ex was having an affair and he swore (on our kids lives) he'd never see or speak to her again. We spent a few months in counselling and then he left me. I was totally blindsided as he was the one holding us together but in reality he was getting his ducks lined up. Screwed me financially as well as everything else.

You cannot trust a word your H says I'm afraid. Listen to his actions, not his words.

From all you've said, I'd kick him out.

However when you're down, instinct can be to cling on. Mine was.

Good luck. Get therapy if you can and not with him.

@researchers3 I'm sorry this happened to you. May I ask if he left and got together with the OW, or he just left? I agree with you about listening to his actions and not his words. I have always thought of myself as independent and self-sufficient, but clearly not...

I agree with this....

Cheat once - shame on you: cheat twice - shame on me.
He can say whatever he likes, but ultimately you have forgiven him twice for adultery and there are no consequences for him.
My advice would be to get my ducks in a row in order to leave him. You maybe love him, but he doesn't love you, I'm afraid.

He’s telling you what you want to hear - doesn’t mean it’s the truth.

You’ll be back on here in a few months saying he’s left or he’s sorry but done it again. What will you do then? How many times are you going to accept it?