Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

@Strawberrina - really sorry you’re going through this. But it’s very unlikely the OW was hitting on him. Unfaithful men often say that the woman has come on to them. You know your husband lies and cheats. Do you really think he would tell the truth about this? This was almost inevitable from them continuing to work together. That was very unlikely ever to work and it hasn’t worked.

My DF had various affairs and after 30+ years my mum ended the marriage despite loving him.

You loving this man is not enough of a reason to stay. You need to love yourself too. As a PP said, I get the financial case for staying with your DH and that is perfectly valid. Think with your head because he will likely just keep trampling on your heart.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand That's what I'm confused about. I don't know if it's possible to love someone and betray/cheat on them. My head is a mess.

Serial cheats don’t love people, not the way they are supposed too. It’s not difficult not to shag or kiss someone else. He made a choice to do that. This isn’t a Disney film, love isn’t enough sometimes. He is showing you who he is.

Stop trying to work out what he might feel. Start thinking about what you want to do. You are clinging on to a hope which is ephemeral. He went back to her despite his protestations previously. He told you he loves her. In his mind, by you taking him back, confirms he has the right to do so. Do you want to share your marriage with another woman? He's clearly not going to give her up.
I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I took my exh back after he left and it didn't end well. If course he continued to see the woman he left me for. It just delayed the inevitable for a few months.
He can be transparent, but you will never know if he's telling you the truth. Actions, not words count.

Honestly OP I don't know why you are staying.

You have a good job, your kids have moved out.

Leave him, sell the house, get your own place, be happy, be free.

He has only ever admitted to what you already knew. There will never be peace with this man.

You have one life. Don't waste it on him.

Can I ask why you believe him and continue to believe him? He has lied to you for months. He has never freely confessed to wrong doing - only admitted it when you found him out twice.
Do you genuinely believe that last week's hug and kiss was a one off?? It's blindingly obvious that he's been continuing with the affair and has lied to you once again, blaming her. He's a liar and a coward.

In a few months he will be with her,this affair has never stopped.

@RealEagle I hope not. He will be going on leave for 5 months from late August to late Jan. This means he won't see her during that time. I hope he will forget about her.

Stop trying to equate love to a decent marriage. Love is a tiny part and very subjective, RESPECT is the thing you need to be looking for. Does he love you? Possibly in his mind he still does. Does he respect you? I'd say no he doesn't or he wouldn't have done this to you.

You may not have the strength to leave yet, but I'm sure you will one day. You see on here that people have reconciled with cheating husbands but the lengths those DHs have gone to to make their wives feel respected again is huge. But if he won't do the work ultimately it will eat away at you and hopefully you'll walk away from him and never look back 💐

You'll be at work all day so how will you know what he's doing and who he's seeing. You've forgiven him twice. Sorry to be blunt but you are being an absolute mug. My exhusbsbd did the same to me. I was a mug too. Then he left me for her. I had to wake up then . Don't be me. Take control now abd get a divorce.

Sorry to read the update but I think he's bullshitting you, he's upset as he's been caught out again. There's no JUST cuddles and kissing once people have been intimate but affair has ended. She isn't 'hitting on him'. It's probably just continued on as others said. He needs to leave, take a pay cut if needed but leave. Your marriage doesn't really have a chance of being repaired if they still work together. Sorry.

@Strawberrina - does it matter whether or not he loves you if this is how he treats you? FWIW, I think it is possible for some people to love their partner but still cheat, but is that love worth having? Actually, I think my dad loved my mum but it didn’t keep him faithful. Some people just always want more than they already have. People like that aren’t reliable. Your DH has developed a taste for infidelity and clearly that overrides any love he has for you. The way you dealt with this first time round has not worked. He has not kept up his end of the bargain. This time you need to think with your head, not your heart. If it suits you to stay with him for financial reasons, that’s valid but you definitely need to be much more cynical and much less trusting in how you handle this.

Another point is that my mum went on to make an extremely happy second marriage to a wonderful man whom she met when she was 55. That doesn’t happen for everyone and may have been easier to do in 2000 (before the Apps) than it is now but don’t assume your current H is the only man you can ever love.

Can I ask what is the harm in speaking to a solicitor and doing the preliminary work to work out financials if you split? Doesn’t mean you have to, but at the moment you have no control in this situation. You are waiting around to see if he will leave and terrified of it.

Use your head so you know your options. You can even be honest with your husband about this. Tell him this latest betrayal has shown you that you need to protect yourself. If he is genuine on reconciliation he should be open about financials and ok with you seeking advice because he knows he’s committed and won’t be leaving.

Maybe an analogy will help. He has stabbed you and caused immense pain. The knife is still in and you are terrified of how much it will hurt if it’s pulled out (I.e. leaving). That fear is keeping you paralysed but he keeps twisting the knife causing more and more pain. You can live your life slowly bleeding out or you can remove the knife. It will likely hurt badly but gives you the chance to heal. There will always be a scar and you will never forget the pain but in time the memory will fade and you can look to a pain free future. In this scenario the solicitor is your doctor who will walk you through how the procedure to remove the knife will do and protect you.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

but you are giving him a licence to cheat.

he didn’t come clean out of remorse and guilt. He was caught.

the he so brazenly came home smelling of perfume for you to smell.

he’s making an absolute fool out of you.

what I’ve noticed from your posts is that you’re too focused on removing this woman from his life.

do not be that fool to assume that because he looks sad he will cut her off or be able to work with her without there being something between them.

it will never happen. You’re just kidding yourself I’m so sorry.

All you have done is given him the green light.

"what I’ve noticed from your posts is that you’re too focused on removing this woman from his life."

I agree, this woman almost certainly isn't thee first and she won't be the last I am afraid OP. He does not want to be faithful to you, otherwise he would not have cheated. You need to decide if you are happy for there to be 'Other Women' (plural) or you need to leave.

@scoobysnaxx I guess the reason I'm focused on removing the OW out of his life is because I see her as a threat, understandably. The fact that she is younger (she is in the early 30s, I'm in the early 50s), attractive and my H admitted to having feeling for her doesn't help. I guess, I think that if she is out of his life, our marriage will be safe. But obviously, I cannot make her leave her workplace. I've never spoken with her and do not intend to.

He said THAT and you stayed!!!! Why!?!

Yep. He did say that. I guess because I love the stupid idiot and we have been married for almost 30 years! Have two grown kids (both in their 20s), two houses etc.

Sometimes in life we have to understand that not everything that we want is available to us. You need to accept that staying in a monogamous relationship with this man is no longer an option for you. He has shown you that he is not prepared to put your relationship first. I am sorry but you need to get real (in the nicest way possible).

He is setting you up here.

Divorce him NOW whilst he has a salary, or he’ll end up unemployed, divorcing you, taking more of the house equity etc because you’ll be in a stronger financial position and then dancing off into the sunshine with the OW.

Him not working with her won’t stop their communication, they can see each other every day when you’re at work, she could pop round and have sex with him in your bed, they can FaceTime and text all day.

He’s cheated, he’s still cheating and he’s lied and he’s still lying; what do you have to stay for?

“You hope not”. Is this anyway to live .

But you already know that he is an unreliable narrator. You are only hearing his side of the story. Of course he is going to tell you that the OW was hitting on him as though he has no agency and refusing to reciprocate her advances is beyond his control.

If he and the OW go out to lunch together, are you sure that he will tell you about this when he comes home from work? Why on earth would he when he can tell you a lie and you will be none the wiser?

I'm sure that, despite his display of devastation and remorse, he and his OW are getting quite a thrill from deceiving you and you believing their lies. The forbidden affair is more exciting for them than actually being in a proper relationship.

Respectfully OP you need to find your anger towards your husband and stop focusing on the OW. Coming from a person who was the OW I know I might be bashed here, but he's the one cheating on you. Yes she knows about you and it's all kinds of wrong, but she's likely found herself in love (or certainly what she thinks is) with him and been told a similar load of shit that you have. He can't leave just yet, he doesn't know what to do, the finances are difficult, blah blah blah.

Take control OP, if he's going to leave you he will. And 6 months away from her is nothing, people get back together after years apart

@ReacherOMGyes yes, I suspect you are right. Thank you for your advice. People do get back together after years apart.