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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband just called me the c word

191 replies

lurker1000 · 04/04/2025 09:36

I'm actually shaking as I write this - I argued with my husband yesterday and he's in a mood (context - he was annoyed that I told people our children went to a catholic school - they aren't catholics and he has an issue about it. The argument happened because he told me I wasn't to tell people that and I said that I found him telling me what to say controlling). He's been in a mood since.

This morning, after I dropped the kids at school, I came home and said that I think he should grow up as the moods are becoming more common. He absolutely went berserk and said you are nothing but a c* (he said this several times). I've tried to remain calm but I did shout back (I didn't call names).

I said he clearly has huge anger issues and that is completely unacceptable behaviour. He was shouting so loudly and has now shut the door to the office as he is about to go on a call.

I'm so, so upset. He moved out last year and we have been trying to fix things but this feels like right back to square one. He said in the argument that I should leave (that's not going to happen).

I'm venting but I'm so, so upset.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 04/04/2025 09:39

I'm sorry, that must be very upsetting. Why did he move out?

Name calling, especially misogynist name calling is completely unacceptable.

Is he disrespectful in other ways?

SoOxon · 04/04/2025 09:41

least said soonest mended OP, it was a row - otherwise, you will know the routine by now, written out daily on wonderful Mumsnet - be calm, make tea, be quiet, get on with your day, let him come to you as he will be unnerved by this calm demeanour, wondering what you are thinking/planning, let him sweat, do nothing, keep us posted

Topseyt123 · 04/04/2025 09:44

I think he needs to move out again. Permanently this time.

crazzynut · 04/04/2025 10:33

I would have said it straight back to him.
The only one acting like a cuxt is you.
No advice really i just throw it right back.

caramac04 · 04/04/2025 10:39

Is this normal language for him to use because for eg, I’ve never heard my dh say that word and if he shouted it at me a few times I would be worried actually. If it’s normal then it’s just horrible but if the word is weighted with aggression and misogyny then I’m afraid it would be game over for me. Given that your relationship isn’t in the best place I’d be getting my ducks in a row.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2025 10:39

It is more likely that you have been trying to fix things whilst he has not done anything of the sort.

If he can control himself around others then he does not have an anger management problem. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his behaviour.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

He needs to move out permanently now. Even if the kids are not present when he shouts at you they can and do pick up on a tense and unhappy atmosphere within the home.

booksandbakinglover · 04/04/2025 10:40

If it were me I’d wait a while to calm down myself and then act concerned and ask him what’s really bothering him, why does he feel so angry all the time, does he think he needs support form an external source etc. You don’t have to actually care, but even if you pretend, he is less likely to scream and you might actually find out that something deep down is the route of his anger… and he might actually feel some remorse for his bad behaviour and want to rectify it

calling you the c word is absolutely vile though, tell him that’s unacceptable

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2025 10:40

I would seriously consider seeking legal advice re all aspects of separation and divorce particularly if you have not already done this.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/04/2025 10:45

If this was my partner, he'd only call me a cunt once, I wouldn't be sticking around. I don't care how upset/angry someone is, calling you a cunt in anger is LTB territory for me

WakingUpToReality · 04/04/2025 10:57

I’ve been called that in a previous relationship and 3 years later the relationship had deteriorated beyond the point of no return. A person who looks for the most hurtful insult to say to a woman is unlikely to be the sort of person who wants to do the hard work of becoming more aware of themselves and engaging in personal growth. It’s pretty telling, actually, about what that person’s true character is. I think he was so angry because you hit the nail on the head, he does need to grow up and he recognizes you’re speaking the truth, he just doesn’t want you to KNOW it.

Maitri108 · 04/04/2025 10:59

Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/04/2025 10:45

If this was my partner, he'd only call me a cunt once, I wouldn't be sticking around. I don't care how upset/angry someone is, calling you a cunt in anger is LTB territory for me

I'm the same, I couldn't think of anything more disrespectful to say to me and it belies complete contempt. However for others it's just a normal part of a row and they would just get on with their day.

ElvisNow · 04/04/2025 11:01

Never OK Ever

PinkElephantsOnParade2025 · 04/04/2025 11:04

What religion are you?

Seems a weird argument to have over a state school.

Seems like you either move out or you and your kids will be living in a war zone for the foreseeable future.

2JFDIYOLO · 04/04/2025 11:14

It's the worst insult anyone can hurl at a woman.

This is why men do it.

To belittle, insult, demean, scorn, frighten, disgust.

To him you are less-than.

You say he moved out before. That would have been better as a one way ticket, no returns.

He does not like, love or respect you. This will not change, this who he is. To the core.

You have a choice now. To continue allowing yourself to be subjected to this vile man.

Allowing your children to see how this man behaves to their mother - and how he had been allowed back to do it again.

Or to take control and make a decision.

MyUniqueHalloweenCat · 04/04/2025 11:15

It’s a never event for me. He’d be gone.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 04/04/2025 13:19

Thanks everyone - he's never called me that before and in such a horrible way. He's definitely getting angrier than before.

When we have a fight, I generally just go quiet and get on with things and he eventually comes round, but I feel he has just pushed the boundary further and I don't want him to think that is ever acceptable. I'm just angry.

Plus kids stop for Easter today and we will have days of moods from this fight and just don't need it

OP posts:
Original poster
lurker1000 · 04/04/2025 13:21

@booksandbakinglover I actually done that - he was so angry and shouting and I said 'are you ok?' which made him even angrier....when he shouted the first load of abuse I said 'do you feel better now?' - response was 'yes, I f*ing do'

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 04/04/2025 13:24

YABU - you came home and because YOU don't have to work you continued the argument from last night when he clearly has work to be getting on with.

You should have waited till a quiet time tonight to discuss it.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 04/04/2025 13:27

@PinkElephantsOnParade2025 Neither of us are religious - but he is particularly strange about the catholic school

He wanted our children to go to the same school as his daughter (my step daughter) but I refused as it is seven miles away, they wouldn't have local friends etc. They go to the best school in the area and both have thrived at it.

It feels like just something else to have a go about - I'm the bad guy in this apparently, because I said he was controlling me by telling me what I could and couldn't say

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 04/04/2025 13:28

DenholmElliot11 · 04/04/2025 13:24

YABU - you came home and because YOU don't have to work you continued the argument from last night when he clearly has work to be getting on with.

You should have waited till a quiet time tonight to discuss it.

Therefore he's within his rights to call her a cunt?

Original poster
lurker1000 · 04/04/2025 13:28

@DenholmElliot11
I came home to work - but I also knew that it would be the only chance we had to talk without the children being present - I also wanted to nip it in the bud as the kids stop for Easter today and wanted a better atmosphere

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 04/04/2025 13:29

lurker1000 · 04/04/2025 13:28

@DenholmElliot11
I came home to work - but I also knew that it would be the only chance we had to talk without the children being present - I also wanted to nip it in the bud as the kids stop for Easter today and wanted a better atmosphere

How did that go then?😉

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/04/2025 13:30

Oh please just get rid of this nasty, hateful man.

Kick him out again. There is no going back. The misogynistic contempt he showed you. There is nothing approximating love evident.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 04/04/2025 13:30

I didn't expect to be called a cunt, to be swore at repeatedly - as my previous post - I think the level of abuse was unacceptable.

I then have had to carry on with my working day.

OP posts:
Allthegoodhorses · 04/04/2025 13:33

Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/04/2025 10:45

If this was my partner, he'd only call me a cunt once, I wouldn't be sticking around. I don't care how upset/angry someone is, calling you a cunt in anger is LTB territory for me

Yup, same for me, they wouldn't get a chance to say it twice, that's for sure.