My husband just called me the c word

[lurker1000]

I'm actually shaking as I write this - I argued with my husband yesterday and he's in a mood (context - he was annoyed that I told people our children went to a catholic school - they aren't catholics and he has an issue about it. The argument happened because he told me I wasn't to tell people that and I said that I found him telling me what to say controlling). He's been in a mood since.

This morning, after I dropped the kids at school, I came home and said that I think he should grow up as the moods are becoming more common. He absolutely went berserk and said you are nothing but a c* (he said this several times). I've tried to remain calm but I did shout back (I didn't call names).

I said he clearly has huge anger issues and that is completely unacceptable behaviour. He was shouting so loudly and has now shut the door to the office as he is about to go on a call.

I'm so, so upset. He moved out last year and we have been trying to fix things but this feels like right back to square one. He said in the argument that I should leave (that's not going to happen).

I'm venting but I'm so, so upset.

Yes, because it’s a horrible word, and a disgusting thing to call your partner.

Jesus…it gets worse. So are you his verbal whipping post when he’s pissed off?

End your marriage.

This man is controlling, he wants you to lie about your children's school. When you correctly named his behaviour as coercive, he needed to stop you from pursuing that train of thought because you might think "coercive control, hang on, isn't that a crime now?", so he tried to intimidate you into stopping that line of thought and tried make you feel small so that you wouldn't value your own perceptions and feelings more than his. (Sorry, my brain isn't doing vocabulary well right now.)

He will only get worse.

ETA:

it's always my fault. It's the way I behave or because I stand up for myself.

Yeah, this is abuse. LTB.

Absolutely with you on this. Very odd behaviour to never mention the catholic part and anyone who knows the area will know the school is catholic anyway?! He is out of order.

Think you’ve missed quite a lot!

Time for him to move out again and this time for good.

What is with the patronising wink? You seem to be suggesting that OP should pussyfoot around her husband’s moods so that he doesn’t call her a cunt. I think it is probably better to get the cunt calling out in the open and then everyone knows where they stand.

And who's idea was it to move back home again?

Did he move out due to the same behaviour towards you?

What routes did you take to try and fix things?

Asking as it sounds like nothing was resolved if his anger didn't improve and is getting worse.

Edited...just seen your latest update..

@lurker1000 why the hell would he expect you to share your in heritance with his child from another mother????

No.

Plus kids stop for Easter today and we will have days of moods from this fight and just don't need it

Tell him to grow the fuck up and stop sulking, or else get out and work his bad mood out of his system on his own. Your children are entitled not to have to tiptoe around a moody manchild.

Quite! Also better to get it over with whilst the kids are out, however it turns out... Either it gets resolved, or in this case, sadly escalates horribly while they are out of earshot. If OP had waited until the evening then the kids would have most likely heard.

I’m sorry this won’t be what you want to hear @lurker1000 but I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

Yep!

You forgot 'breathe!' - like we would forget otherwise....

Calling your partner names with the intention of offending is really problematic in an argument. Not sure why everyone is hung up on “””””the c word”””” like it’s bloody Voldemort though. It’s just a boring old generic insult.

Sounds like he’s probably gambling again and is feeling stressed and guilty about it, like a petulant child. Addicts often project onto those around them.
My ex partner called me a c^*t once and 2 months later his behaviour was so bad that I walked out and never spoke to him again. This will escalate if you don’t do something.

I called my ex that once but he really was unbearable (he might have actually been ex at the time), but I didn’t say it in anger I told him he was a horrible person and a c… (not the sort of language I have ever used on anyone else). He was put out but there was no relationship anyway. If someone said that to me in anger (and I wasn’t one) then I wouldn’t want to stay with them.

He is a gambling addict with major anger issues and a strong inclination to control you.

Why is he even in your house at this point?

I'm going to come in at a completely different angle here and be flamed..... I'm ready 😬

I come from a slightly feral background, Northern working class family. Everyone is called a cunt basically in the place of origin 😆.

Through age and development, I appreciate the anti female connotations associated with the word cunt. Yet, this is one word that still pops out between many of my friends and I ( they're all born and bred middle class! We're all highly educated). So although it's true this doesn't help womanhood, I don't believe it's use is deliberately intended to be anti female. And people still use this without the intent of wishing to abuse another.

Context here is absolutely everything. I am not an abuser or a narc or personality disordered bully. I am however highly flawed,difficult background and can be reactive under severe stress and in the presence of bullies. I called my teen son a c bomb after years of behaviour that takes you to your knees.( Additional issues here) I accept that's so not ok and the behaviour is itself potentially abusive so that mishap was owned and sincerely apologised.

So for me the issue is, what is his problem? Is there any room for accountability? I sense it has gone too far based on history.

Something is going on with him and I'd want to know what the hell it was. ( And not for one minute do I believe it's your fault btw OP). I'd be saying ' what on earth is going on with you? What is this? Why? Tell me? What is feeding all this anger and controlling behaviour you are directing at me?'

He might be a gaslighter, narc, sociopathic,I don't know this here, but you might. If he is then it's best to try find a way out the relationship as gently as possible ( for your own benefit) because if he is one of these he's only going to lie and blame you and make it your fault. It will also just get worse.

Hugs to you. It sounds like this has been going on a while and it's alot to cope with this.

That's what I thought and people are bound to ask what school your children attend if they live near or what your children's school is like. I don't get that it's such a big deal, lots of kids go to a Catholic school, I did when I was small and a jolly good school it was too.

I think he is building up for something, op. He doesn't have the temporary relief he used to get from gambling. Alcoholics are the same. He needs an outlet, something that absorbs him.

However you cannot be expected to put up with vile outbursts.

For my generation, the C word is utterly taboo, a uncrossable threshold - not least when thrown as an insult to a spouse. It’d be over. Immediately.

Do you want your life to be like this? He doesn’t sound like he’s got many plus points tbh, would you be happier without him?

I wonder if he lied to get them in the school eg saying comes from catholic family and did not want it to be common knowledge.