My husband just called me the c word

[lurker1000]

I'm actually shaking as I write this - I argued with my husband yesterday and he's in a mood (context - he was annoyed that I told people our children went to a catholic school - they aren't catholics and he has an issue about it. The argument happened because he told me I wasn't to tell people that and I said that I found him telling me what to say controlling). He's been in a mood since.

This morning, after I dropped the kids at school, I came home and said that I think he should grow up as the moods are becoming more common. He absolutely went berserk and said you are nothing but a c* (he said this several times). I've tried to remain calm but I did shout back (I didn't call names).

I said he clearly has huge anger issues and that is completely unacceptable behaviour. He was shouting so loudly and has now shut the door to the office as he is about to go on a call.

I'm so, so upset. He moved out last year and we have been trying to fix things but this feels like right back to square one. He said in the argument that I should leave (that's not going to happen).

I'm venting but I'm so, so upset.

Catholic school is a wild thing to blow up about. There’s more to this, even taking the history into account.

What happened with your inheritance? Please tell me none of it was used, or is being used, to pay off his debts? I’m concerned you might be financially at risk. Have you obtained a credit report for yourself?

It’s far from idea behaviour. But you can’t just say end a marriage knowing virtually nothing about their relationship. The man is obviously upset and there is something else going on here.

Wait till he goes off in a huff again & never let the cunt back.

Leave him.

The use of ‘cunt’ is moot, but my husband and I have never called each other names. Not once. It’s such a lack of respect and love, I can’t even imagine.

I’d suggest your marriage is dead in the water if this is what it’s degraded to.

Exactly this. She came home. Picked a fight and told him to grow up.

It is so NOT about the school.

I couldn't live in that atmosphere at all. I think I'd faint if my partner called me that and it would be all over there and then. Sorry to sound so dramatic but I'm serious.

I agree - it took me a couple of years of being called a cunt and worse names for me to leave my DC’s father - I had to get my financial ducks and childcare in a row with a very young DC - but there was no way I could stay and let my DC hear me being called those names. What would that have taught my DC to put up with? I bought my first house in my sole name before DC turned 3.

It was by no means easy but I’ve had 23 years without verbal abuse from any man and that is the line I draw.

Good on her - he needs to grow up and wise up.

Some People
(for Eoin)

Some people know what it's like,

to be called a cunt in front of their children
to be short for the rent
to be short for the light
to be short for school books
to wait in Community Welfare waiting-rooms full of smoke
to wait two years to have a tooth looked at
to wait another two years to have a tooth out (the same tooth)
to be half strangled by your varicose veins, but you're
198th on the list
to talk into a banana on a jobsearch scheme
to talk into a banana in a jobsearch dream
to be out of work
to be out of money
to be out of fashion
to be out of friends
to be in for the Vincent de Paul man
to be in space for the milk man
(sorry, mammy isn't in today she's gone to Mars for the weekend)
to be in Puerto Rico this week for the blanket man
to be in Puerto Rico next week for the blanket man
to be dead for the coal man
(sorry, mammy passed away in her sleep, overdose of coal
in the teapot)
to be in hospital unconscious for the rent man
(St Judes ward 4th floor)
to be second-hand
to be second-class
to be no class
to be looked down on
to be walked on
to be pissed on
to be shat on

and other people don't.

I would leave my DH if he called me a cunt.

Anyone that called me a cunt, unless it was in jest, would never see me again.

I would be done.

You made me think of that poem (by Rita Ann Higgins).
It reminds me of my childhood.

When my ex called me it, I told him he'd reached the outer edge of what I could tolerate; that I couldn't let him do it again.

He did it again and then came at me with his fists raised and contempt in his eyes. I was 10 weeks pregnant. I asked him to get anger management or some kind of therapy. He refused: I was the problem, not him. I haven't seen him since that day.

My life is peaceful now.

Unless the OP is in Belfast and the Good Friday Agreement never happened I don’t see a problem with the OP telling people what school her children are going to. It’s a natural conversation. I’m not Catholic and it wouldn’t bother me if my DC had gone to a Catholic school.

Your standards must be very low.

Absolutely. If it's meant in anger, it's a line in the sand that cannot be uncrossed.

I would be gone because it is 180 degrees from the wedding ceremony and what he said that day.

So there's a lot more to it also
But him doing what you said in your first post is bad enough and now you say he has previously abused you.

I would make plans to leave...sorry.

He sounds unbalanced with a very short and unreasonable temper.
You must be walking on egg shells all the time - so bad for the children.
Tell him to wash his month out with soap and water if he can't control his language or get a grip.
Would he ever be violent one day?.

Same. If dh ever called me any name it'd be over but cunt is disgusting.

Are you saying he isn’t a catholic himself? But his children go to a catholic school? I think that would be an emotive topic for many people. The catholic schools are so divisive and are well known for pushing a lot of immoral and sectarian views. I don’t know why we need to have catholic schools but that’s another issue. I would personally feel very uncomfortable if my children had been forced into that school (sounds like that’s exactly how he feels). To be honest, I can relate. You need to discuss the topic as it seems to be a very big issue for him. He sounds resentful - did you strong arm him into sending them there? Behaviour is insightful - sounds like it was a big trigger for him and he exploded. You need to just have a conversation with your husband about how he’s feeling. The C word isn’t the issue here and I suspect you’ve missed the real issue.

As much as she’s within her rights to tell him to grow up.

They’re as bad as each other, neither respects the other.

Grow the fuck up, stop sulking, manchild are a-ok but cunt is beyond the pale.
They are both just as bad. You can hurt a person as much with words that aren’t swear words.

@springtimemagic our children have attended this school for combined twelve years - I never forced him into this - we actually drove round the schools in the area. The only school I objected to was the one miles away as it wasn’t in our children’s best interests.

Ive lived with moods for years (on top of the addiction) and this morning even I was shocked at his use of words and how he spoke to me. His anger was off the scale.

i don’t want my children to see this anger hence why I chose to talk when they weren’t there. After being ignored last night and this morning - in front of children, I think there is worse I could have said than grow up?

It's very sad to see posts from people who think being called names is perfectly normal and acceptable in a relationship.

Wildly inaccurate take on Catholic schools.

@lurker1000 I remember your situation with the gambling and the inheritance (you posted here about it). I'm so sorry you're having to deal with his anger at the moment. Nobody would blame you for ending this toxic relationship and building a better life for yourself and the children.