My husband just called me the c word

[lurker1000]

I'm actually shaking as I write this - I argued with my husband yesterday and he's in a mood (context - he was annoyed that I told people our children went to a catholic school - they aren't catholics and he has an issue about it. The argument happened because he told me I wasn't to tell people that and I said that I found him telling me what to say controlling). He's been in a mood since.

This morning, after I dropped the kids at school, I came home and said that I think he should grow up as the moods are becoming more common. He absolutely went berserk and said you are nothing but a c* (he said this several times). I've tried to remain calm but I did shout back (I didn't call names).

I said he clearly has huge anger issues and that is completely unacceptable behaviour. He was shouting so loudly and has now shut the door to the office as he is about to go on a call.

I'm so, so upset. He moved out last year and we have been trying to fix things but this feels like right back to square one. He said in the argument that I should leave (that's not going to happen).

I'm venting but I'm so, so upset.

I don’t think religious dogma, supported by a highly dodgy Vatican and related organisation, has any role to play in a child’s education. Schools should be secular - end of.

Having seen your previous threads, to be blunt, you are wasting your time with this man. Him calling you this name should be the last in a very long list of ill treatment by him.
There appears to be absolutely no love or respect from him to you. He left, you let him back, he knows he can say and do what he likes.
You have already given this man over 15 years. It’s never going to get better.
He may not be betting, but he’s displaying addictive behavioural traits. He’s nasty, and he is bringing these moods into the home. You may think you are hiding them from the children but you aren’t.
I know it was hard when he left last time but is this how you want to live?
Yes it will be hard but you’ve been running the home and paying the bills for so long, he checked out long ago. He is seething with resentment over the money you’ve ringfenced - good for you not shifting on that.
There is no love left here now. I know it’s hard but there is zero to salvage.

Yes it is very sad indeed to see posts from people who think that telling a partner to grow up is acceptable and not at all provoking. For the record, I said name calling inc “cunt” is not acceptable, the thing is I have a higher standard than many posters because “grow up” isn’t acceptable either.

I assume @DenholmElliot11 is a man.
or certainly an abuse apologist.

OP - don’t listen to anyone who thinks being aggressively and repeatedly called a cunt by the very person who is supposed to support you most is ok.

they have the lowest of bars and the lowest expectations of human standards.

it is NOT okay and it’s clearly part of a pattern.

you don’t need to put up with this, and you’re children don’t deserve to have to live with a father who calls their mother a cunt.

You clearly don't hang out here often.

I couldn't ever respect dh again if he called me that, completely unacceptable and indicative of his dislike and resentment of you imo. Never in 20 odd years has dh called me anything like that or me to him. And we've had blazing rows!

I just think it shows absolute contempt and that he doesn't give a shit about upsetting you - where do you go from there?

I know, what on earth is that poster on about? 😂

You must have a trigger hair temper if being told to grow up means you lose it and call people names. You say you don't approve of the OP being called names yet you justify it with something fairly innocuous.

Perhaps he was acting in an immature manner and being told to grow up was called for. Do you often go from 0-60 during arguments?

What is his issue with Catholic schools? Is he a lapsed Catholic or has experienced abuse from priests? That happens in the Church of England too. Is he an atheist? Seven miles is a long distance for your DC to travel to school.

My DP and I both use the word cunt quite a lot in various contexts, so I’m not remotely offended by the word itself. But if my DP shouted that at me - or shouted any form of abuse/insult at me, frankly - it would be a dealbreaker. We don’t speak to each like that, ever.

Mind you, everything else you’ve said about your husband would also be a dealbreaker for me. I couldn’t live with someone who told me I wasn’t allowed to mention my kids’ school or who was in a mood for days after an argument. He sounds awful. Like a complete cunt, ironically.

Saying both are unacceptable by no means that one is excusable or justifiable while the other isn’t?

I said they are as bad as each other.

Why are you justifying verbal abuse like “grow up” ?

I attended a C of E primary school and a secular high school. The only lasting impact is that I can remember word for word all the assembly songs from Come and Praise, a popular primary school hymn book of the 1970s.

Have you had therapy? It sound like you could all do with some - joint and individual. Theres something going on here for him. These things are a trigger for him, for some reason. Do you have a sense of what they are and why? I don’t feel from you that you have many insights into his behaviour. For example, what is the gambling really about? Why was “bloody dog” a trigger for him? What is the catholic thing about? Do you know? Do you reflect on the reasons? You’re not going to move on unless you understand each other

I don't think 'grow up' is verbal abuse. I understand there is a history of gambling and bad behaviour on his part and it's justified.

Are you ok isn't verbal abuse. You're equating telling someone to grow up with calling someone a cunt. Utterly bizarre.

He called you a ‘bloody dog’? Never mind the c word this would be enough for me!
You really have done all you can here and deserve so much better. Would you want your girls involved with a man like this? Make plans and get rid.

I dont like the word cunt, but its just another dirty word for a pussy with an impact. Its said to be hurtful in the moment. Thats all.

I dont get the pearl clutching and the ending of relationships over a word said in anger and frustration,

I'm so grateful that i have a mature relationship, where stupid words can be exchanged in the heat of the mo, but means nothing in the long run.

Maybe thats because im almost 50 and a grown up with the ability to cope with shit.

I’m not equating them, I am saying both are unacceptable and abusive.

”Grow up” in the context is disrespectful and demeaning. There is no justification for it.

Raise your bar, bizarre you think that is acceptable communication.

OP, he's a vile, increasingly angry man with a potty mouth and a gambling addiction. He's bad news.

I'm sorry my darling but you need to end this now. If not for you, for your children. x

He called you a dog? Or referred to the family as bloody dog?

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. You say it's acceptable to call someone names because they told you to grow up. That telling someone to grow up is abusive. Yet name calling is wrong and never justified. But grow up is just as abusive. But they're not the same.

Your mind is a maze and impossible to navigate. I believe it's your superpower.

Now you're instructing me to raise my bar! You're a hoot.

Apologies for confusion - I almost tripped over our dog who was being annoying when i was cooking - I said ‘bloody dog’ and he fell out with me for days

he loves the dog, me probably less so but it was in the heat of the moment and I got a fright

And that should tell you everything you need to know my dear. He actively seeks out excuses to "fall out" with you, aka be nasty.

Everything you say about this man makes me more and more convinced he’s a total cunt.

He would be no loss. He has to go.

It's not acceptable to call you names like that, even if angry. Yes, I know it's 'just a word' but it was used specifically in a way to cause hurt.

In terms of the school issue - if you had both talked about it beforehand and agreed that you were not going to mention certain aspects about your childrens' schooling, but you still did, would justify some annoyance but not this level of anger - but to go off like this when you didn't even have such a conversation and didn't know that he didn't want this information talked about is madness. Next time he might go off on one if you wear jeans on a Tuesday - or perhaps cook 'the wrong' thing for supper... You are completely in the right to talk about things and have opinions on things and don't need his permission to speak.

hes now got a problem after 12 years nah its just an excuse to start a row