My husband just called me the c word

[lurker1000]

I'm actually shaking as I write this - I argued with my husband yesterday and he's in a mood (context - he was annoyed that I told people our children went to a catholic school - they aren't catholics and he has an issue about it. The argument happened because he told me I wasn't to tell people that and I said that I found him telling me what to say controlling). He's been in a mood since.

This morning, after I dropped the kids at school, I came home and said that I think he should grow up as the moods are becoming more common. He absolutely went berserk and said you are nothing but a c* (he said this several times). I've tried to remain calm but I did shout back (I didn't call names).

I said he clearly has huge anger issues and that is completely unacceptable behaviour. He was shouting so loudly and has now shut the door to the office as he is about to go on a call.

I'm so, so upset. He moved out last year and we have been trying to fix things but this feels like right back to square one. He said in the argument that I should leave (that's not going to happen).

I'm venting but I'm so, so upset.

Men who are abusive at home often seek to portray a very different image outside the home. Is he not wanting you to tell people your children go to a catholic school because he/you as a family are not religious and he doesn’t want to be judged negatively for it? (Just a thought…)

@FormidableMizzP it take two to make a relationship, but it only takes one person to end it. IMHO OP's husband has ended the relationship by his behaviour. Some things should not be got pass or ignored. This is not an isolated incident.

@lurker1000 this is not the kind of exchange that is part of healthy relationship. Time to organise an exit the relationship and end what sounds like a miserable existence.

Tell him to get the F* out. You deserve peace in your home.

@LetGoLetThem1234. @lurker1000 should have included the related (highly unacceptable) prior behaviour/incidents in her 1st post, I don't spend my life on MN so was unaware. Addiction is a deal breaker for me esp when kids are involved.

I speak from a place of experience as I have adult kids and have had many hours of counselling, family counselling, marriage counselling as well as years of research and training. As others say, it's whatever is normal for you but most importantly what you are willing to tolerate therefore, it takes 2 to make or break a relationship.

@lurker1000 you need to plan your exit strategy. Get all your finance info together (mortgage/account details/debts/pensions) keep copies in a safe place. Move cash to an account in your own name. Speak to solicitors, most will give you half an hour free consultation, have your figures to hand, saves time. THEN file for divorce.
Please tell your trusted family and friends, you need their support. Also tell the school tutors, this will be affecting your children in ways you will never know otherwise.

My counsellor told me my marriage wouldn't improve unless I left my A-HH - he was right - it was hard but I'm happier on my own without all the eggshells and drama.

I've only read the op posts and it seems as if she is having to defend herself against MN. Which is ridiculous as she is living with a childish, controlling brat with anger issues.
She shouldn't have to tiptoe round him. She should be able to tell him to stop being a moody child.
But if I were her I'd waste no more energy on trying to improve this idiot to make him bearable to live with.

This would be the end for me especially after your other posts. You shouldn’t have to tip toe around him or walk on eggshells in case you trigger something like this especially over something so ridiculous. I could possibly understand the secret if you had committed fraud to get them into school, and he was scared of being outed.

You said that they are at the best school possible in the area and are thriving so was clearly a good decision. Is step daughter’s school not so nice? Could this be the problem, he wants to provide everything for his children equally and / or maybe getting pressure from ex or judgement from others about step daughter not having the same as your kids? Obviously tricky and you shouldn’t fund anyone but your own children. Unfortunately if you are married your inheritance could be half his in divorce?

I would do what one of the early posters said and just get calm and carry on but whilst doing that get your ducks in a row. I know it’s harder in the Easter break with the kids around to have to be around him but I couldn’t let this go even if he calmed down and even if he actually apologised.

He's a Thief stealing from his children's savings.

My friends husband did this. Thousands of pounds left to their daughter by granny to fund his mistress lifestyle. He also mortgaged their home to the max and stole that.

No-one needs an amoral piece of 💩 like that in their lives.

I've read the previous thread where he raided the kids bank accounts

He did WHAT?

OP, divorce this thief yesterday.

this is kneejerk central, lol

You might try reading the full thread...

They probably have. For some being called names by your partner is normal.

Zanzara! I am a regular stalwart!

however, if that was the case ^ I wouldn’t know the routine - from ‘otherwise’ to end of ‘Mumsnet’ should be in parenthesis, so I can see how my post reads without them.
I was advocating for OP to be calm, without the benefit of having read, or read and forgotten, read but not made the connection, between this hyper OP post and previous posts describing marital disharmony.

LTB at full throttle over a word bandied about as descriptive on this very site, on this very thread, is nothing short of hypocritical. Some men swear and think nothing of it. Describing the wife in such a derogatory term is waaaayyyyy over a line, designed to administer a shocked silence and withdrawal. Which worked.

Posters Describing what they would do if it happened to them are not being helpful, it’s irrlevant, subjective and in a few cases, hysterical hyperbole.
The OP will decide for herself.

I dispense advice of the sangfroid variety.

I was greatly amused by your comment, thanks

you might try following the trail…

I’m sure that is correct, but not this one ! cheap shot though

OP this relationship is long overdue for being over.

He took your children’s money and is abusive.

If you haven’t already, see a solicitor. Find out what divorce will look like. Get ahead of him. Make him an offer to buy him out if you can. He will probably take it and be gone given his gambling addiction and his apparent dislike for your relationship.

You’ll be OK without his negative energy in the house. In fact you will all thrive and wonder why you didn’t get rid earlier.

💐

Not a cheap shot at all. Some are telling the OP that she's being dramatic, it's only name calling and her being at the end of her tether is a knee jerk response.

I can only imagine that these posters are used to being called names and don't understand why the OP is making a fuss.

Yes really up your standards. Its disrespectful, misogynistic and aggressive. How do you come back from something like that?

@Maitri108 , not the OP, the posters - if the OP is at the end of her tether there are two choices, either tie a big knot in it and hang on, or, the routine, ducks in a row, collate papers, documents, passports, bank statements, the usual.

However we do not know the OP’s tipping point or which way she is wanting or is expecting reactions or advice to swing, consequently adopt a calm demeanour,
avoid non productive argument, its now Easter break and OH has to behave himself especially well, so the OP can think. (plot plan even).

It’s a well known result of strife, when we have turned ourselves inside out to no avail,
becoming more exhausted with it all, it takes only one remark, selfish act or a look even and we are quiet, will not engage at all, we retreat into our safe place, the worm has turned (what my mum used to say) no going back.

If this is OP’s point we should support her its what we do best here.

However ! Deciding that this is her withdrawal point is not and should not be our collective or individually strident decision, it is for OP to decide what is best for
her and her children, despite anyone here believing they know better.

Him being in a mood about the school is so weird, surely if you said, my kids go to for example oak school, people would know it’s a catholic school anyway?

@SoOxon I'm not entirely sure what you're talking about. I'm talking about name calling being unacceptable in relationships. I'm talking about some posters being confused as to why she's upset over being called names. Some posters are telling her that she provoked the name calling.

For many, name calling is completely unacceptable, for others it's part and parcel of being in a relationship. The OP expressed that she was very upset at being called names.

I think you should get as far away from him as you can. He sounds deranged.

For the record, telling someone to grow up is not even in the same league as calling someone the worst swear word in the English language. To claim they are comparable is not having 'higher standards' at all.
The first may be annoying, the second can be relationship ending.
'Grow up' is the kind of thing you might quite reasonably say to your 13 year old son or daughter when they're acting up, or even to your 23 yr old DS/DD when they're not pulling their weight around the house.
You cannot and should not compare the two and this poster is either utterly disingenuous or highly misogynistic.

You have money?
Use it.
Get those poor children away from this absolutely toxic house.

Stop discussing anything with him.
Get planning today.

If said in anger? 100%
I know a few people who use it in casual banter, not personally a fan but not gonna cry about it. But said if my partner called me that in a nasty way
100, done. Utter disrespect

Telling someone who is behaving in a childish manner to grow up is not the same as calling someone a c*nt. 🤯 One is calling out a specific behaviour as immature, then other is a disgusting way to talk to someone. You may be triggered by "grow up" for some reason, but that doesn't make them equal.