My husband just called me the c word

[lurker1000]

I'm actually shaking as I write this - I argued with my husband yesterday and he's in a mood (context - he was annoyed that I told people our children went to a catholic school - they aren't catholics and he has an issue about it. The argument happened because he told me I wasn't to tell people that and I said that I found him telling me what to say controlling). He's been in a mood since.

This morning, after I dropped the kids at school, I came home and said that I think he should grow up as the moods are becoming more common. He absolutely went berserk and said you are nothing but a c* (he said this several times). I've tried to remain calm but I did shout back (I didn't call names).

I said he clearly has huge anger issues and that is completely unacceptable behaviour. He was shouting so loudly and has now shut the door to the office as he is about to go on a call.

I'm so, so upset. He moved out last year and we have been trying to fix things but this feels like right back to square one. He said in the argument that I should leave (that's not going to happen).

I'm venting but I'm so, so upset.

I wouldn't want to be raising my children in a home with an Angry Man who is taking out his unaddressed anger on everyone else. What a misery.

I'd be asking him to go. Again, in your case.

That would end my marriage. Can't understand how people here think it's forgiveable to be called that. Some people have a low bar

I appreciate that he is in recovery from (gambling) addiction but I would seriously question how effective that recovery is- has he simply channeled his emotions into anger and aggressive outbursts? He doesn’t sound like a person who has explored his feelings and found peace- quite the opposite.

It’s not just this particular explosive incident that would concern me, but the fact that this is occurring within the context of an already fractured relationship that is supposed to be healing from the wounds of his previous addictive behaviour. How much longer are you expected to put up with this while he ineffectively rehabilitates himself?

I know that I couldn’t live like this. I really feel for you, OP.

Telling someone to ‘grow up’ isn’t abuse. If you think it’s any way akin to shouting ‘you’re a cunt’ at someone you’re mad. You cannot be for real.

My OH and I know personal name calling like this is a complete no no. Oh we argue but not using words like this.

I think he needs therapy at the very least preferably from another address.

I can’t believe people are minimising this. It is abuse in this context.
For the record, my husband and I use the C word like confetti - we call objects, other people and each other it in a jokey or affectionate way multiple times a day. But when we have a row, if either one of us shouted it at the other in anger, once let alone multiple times, it would be a big, big problem. If you don’t use the word often, then there’s absolutely no justification at all. He has shown complete contempt for you.

I know a broken marriage is nobody’s idea of the perfect future, but I think it’s really past time to ask yourself whether you’re flogging a dead horse here. Can you really, honestly see yourself staying with this man for the rest of your life? With his temper getting worse and worse? Because I can guarantee you, it’s not suddenly going to start getting better unless he really wants to put the work in. And I don’t think he does.

@DenholmElliot11 Are you trying to be funny?

Not really, I'd say. More likely you just enjoy having found an angle that allows you to blame the victim.

Wind your neck in. This is someone's life, not a free opportunity to gloat.

There are posters on here who have obviously tine travelled from the 1950s. I’m surprised nobody has suggested the OP puts a pretty ribbon in her hair, makes him a Martini and massages his feet.

He does have anger issues, he has abuse issues.

Frankly the whole stick up his ass about Catholicism and yet sending his kids to a catholic school is sheer hypocrisy. I can't stand people who take umbridge with a god they don't even believe in. And sneer at other people's faiths. Let alone also being a hypocrite into the bargain and having the bare faced cheek to think they should have a right to be accessing their services. Just, yuck.

And agree with posters that it would have been the first and the last time he used the c word towards me. I'd be out, the kids too.

😘

He is emotionally volatile, abusive, and flies off the hand for no reason. Now you're not even allowed to tell people the name of your kids school. Wtf?

He needs serious help and therapy. I think you need to give him an ultimatum. He either gets therapy for his anger, or you split. I would also ask him to move out, at least for the time being.

I recommend using that wink emoji less, unless you’re into making women cringe themselves inside out and back again.

They’ll be enjoying this and will probably just reply with a creepy little emoji or some other sign that it’s the only entertainment they get.

Give it time… they’re probably too busy, brushing their children’s hair

I think your relationship is finished . Sorry but no one would ever call me that word and expect to still be a partner . Why have a relationship treading on eggshells , that’s not healthy for anyone and children aren’t silly , they know .

I agree.

This sort of rubbish is what I use the funny button for because the poster has to be having a laugh.

You seem like a lovely person and I'm quite blunt. If this was the first time, I would be comforting you but I've read the previous thread where he raided the kids bank accounts, caused debt and walked out on you treating you like utter rubbish. You should never have taken him back. Things were never going to change and instead of talking to him get rid. End of conversation.

It’s all relative isn’t it? Some couples have blazing rows. Only in Mumsnet do people actually believe that no one ever loses there temper, raises there voice or calls names.
I think the key is the resolution and the day to day aspects of a relationship. My DH and I are both firey. We row (not very often tbf) but we always kiss and make up quickly. I’m never scared of him and give as good as I get.
day to day we’re both easy going, get on well, share chores and childcare responsibilities and have a laugh.
I would be a bit surprised if he called me a see you next Tuesday but I didn’t think it would an extinction level event for my marriage.
only you know if this is normal behaviour and something you can move past or if this is a sign that something worse is afoot.

It seems he raided the kids’ bank account in the past for the gambling addiction. FFS. A lot of people seem to be critical of mumsnet, but some women come on here not even knowing what coercive control is. Some are in very unhealthy relationships where they have been gaslit.

But you didn’t start the conversation in a way that would resolve the argument. You told him to “grow up” which would never get a warm response and in response he called you a cnt. Are you being a cnt? (Once you’d provoked him, you told him he had anger issues!) Or are you listening and I mean properly listening to his reasons for not wanting to mention his children go to catholic school. Why is he so against this? Have you asked him? Do you know your husband? It doesn’t sound to me like you want to resolve things just point score and provoke him

This sounds very difficult. Calling you offensive names is 100% unacceptable.
Firstly, the term "anger issues" is a demonised myth and really unhelpful. Anger is a natural product borne of other feelings that have built up like, frustration, irritation, exasperation and lack of control (from childhood). It takes two to make or break a relationship. Get a babysitter and talk to him. You both seriously need counselling.

@Jffs I didn't start the conversation with 'grow up'. I tried to have a normal conversation and he started being aggressive. So I don't think I was being a c*nt

I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea that I should tiptoe around him to be honest. I don't think I should be told what I can and can't talk about - that's not healthy at all. The issue about schools has completely come out the blue.