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Original poster

Affair relationship ??

250 replies

PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 21:31

I've fallen in love with someone at work. It crept up on us after about 18 months of working together.

Initially and for a while there was no physical intimacy. Over the last year this has slowly evolved. I'm 47 and he is 63 I have 1 child, he has none. He's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms and living like housemates for over 10 years and is deeply unhappy. I know this to be entirely true.

I haven't had a serious relationship for around the same amount of time and we have both felt completely accepting of our lives lacking in intimacy. However we have found one another and really appreciate each other, enjoy one anothers company and have lots of shared interests.

We are now in this odd liminal space where we are not quite able to make big life changing decisions, but at the same time; feel that we are missing out of we don't .

I would like to hear your similar stories and experiences that will help me decide how to navigate this.

OP posts:
TheSassyAmberNewt · 03/04/2025 21:39

Why is he unable to make big life changing decisions? He’d rather be unhappy than support himself? I’d steer clear tbh.

My experience is that I’ve met quite a few men who claim to be unhappy in their current situation, but they aren’t man enough to make the leap into shaping their lives. They never take control of themselves and they’d rather be man-children and moan about it and cheat on their wives’. No morals and deeply unattractive to me. What’s to stop him doing the same to you if those are his values?

Here4thechocs · 03/04/2025 21:44

PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 21:31

I've fallen in love with someone at work. It crept up on us after about 18 months of working together.

Initially and for a while there was no physical intimacy. Over the last year this has slowly evolved. I'm 47 and he is 63 I have 1 child, he has none. He's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms and living like housemates for over 10 years and is deeply unhappy. I know this to be entirely true.

I haven't had a serious relationship for around the same amount of time and we have both felt completely accepting of our lives lacking in intimacy. However we have found one another and really appreciate each other, enjoy one anothers company and have lots of shared interests.

We are now in this odd liminal space where we are not quite able to make big life changing decisions, but at the same time; feel that we are missing out of we don't .

I would like to hear your similar stories and experiences that will help me decide how to navigate this.

OP, he’s NOT unhappy. Look at it logically… he’s got no child , he’s in his 60s .. why on earth do you suppose he’s still hanging about this woman he supposedly doesn’t love ? He’s simply having g his cake and eating it.

OchreRaven · 03/04/2025 21:47

I don’t understand. You say ‘we’ aren’t able to make big life decisions but you are single (or in a relationship with him already) so what decision are you making?

If he wanted to leave her he would. He can’t even claim to be staying for the kids.

EyrieEaglesnest · 03/04/2025 21:48

If he really is living like housemates with his wife and has been for the last 10.years then I very much doubt he has any intention of leaving her.

If he did leave her surely the age difference between you and him has to be considered . I'm not being ageist, because he is younger than me, but there is every likely hood it would very quickly have a detrimental influence on your relationship in the not too distant future.

And, even if he lives as a housemate with his wife he is a married man. And as such he should be extricating himself from his marriage before starting other relationships.

springbringshope · 03/04/2025 21:53

Here4thechocs · 03/04/2025 21:44

OP, he’s NOT unhappy. Look at it logically… he’s got no child , he’s in his 60s .. why on earth do you suppose he’s still hanging about this woman he supposedly doesn’t love ? He’s simply having g his cake and eating it.

Show quote history

Logically I can see he may well be unhappy and in a rubbish marriage. But not unhappy enough to uproot his finances
he has now got both his financial stability and intimacy and fun.

no reason for him to change anything.

OP realistically you have one choice. Tell him you love him dearly but you are not willing to be his side piece. Split from him and tell him you will be available if and when he divorces his wife.

if he doesn’t then that tells you exactly how far up his priority list you are. If he loves you madly and knows he will lose you he will leave his wife. If he doesn’t then he values his stability more than he values you
it’s not complicated

fatphalange · 03/04/2025 21:54

If he's not going to move on from his so-called dead relationship at the grand old age of 63 then he never will. Tell him to either get on with it or don't bother. What exactly is he waiting for?? I'm willing to bet he's full of shit.

zeibesaffron · 03/04/2025 22:06

I am sorry I agree with everyone else - I doubt he is going to leave her. Please leave him and find someone who is free to make big decisions.

FamilyPhoto · 03/04/2025 22:09

Im sure his wife isnt aware that she is in a dead relationship 🙄

soarklyknobs · 03/04/2025 22:15

If he’s truly unhappy with his wife, he’s an adult, he CAN leave but he’s choosing not to.

Just as, if he truly wanted to be in a relationship with you he COULD be single and then start dating you, but he is choosing not to.

This is a non-starter.

You are a better woman than one who would have an affair with someone else’s husband, aren’t you?

Mom2K · 03/04/2025 22:24

Unless the wife has told you herself that they are in an open relationship, you aren't sure of anything.

Raise your bar. Plenty of men around who are not married. There's no excuse for this.

Icanseethehedge · 03/04/2025 22:24

FamilyPhoto · 03/04/2025 22:09

Im sure his wife isnt aware that she is in a dead relationship 🙄

Does she know, @PeriodHome ? What does she think?

ChickenBananas · 03/04/2025 22:27

Mom2K · 03/04/2025 22:24

Unless the wife has told you herself that they are in an open relationship, you aren't sure of anything.

Raise your bar. Plenty of men around who are not married. There's no excuse for this.

If it's so shit for him why is he still there?

Itsaheadspinner · 03/04/2025 22:28

Doesn't mean because they don't share a bed that they aren't having sex. Lots of people sleep separately for practical reasons, snoring etc.
Like others have said if he was that unhappy he would've left long ago. You're his sidepiece and his ego boost.
Why would he uproot himself esp at his age?
It suits him to continue this way. Yes what man wouldn't have his cake and eat it?

Original poster
PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 22:29

Icanseethehedge · 03/04/2025 22:24

Does she know, @PeriodHome ? What does she think?

Show quote history

No she doesn't. The relationship is bad. They do nothing together at all. They're not actually married either.

She's told him to go and find an affair, he never has out of loyalty As I said, our feelings crept up. 20 years of assets to unravel between them. If I'm honest..and I have expressed this to him too, if he left for me I would be scared. I want him to leave for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 22:31

Mom2K · 03/04/2025 22:24

Unless the wife has told you herself that they are in an open relationship, you aren't sure of anything.

Raise your bar. Plenty of men around who are not married. There's no excuse for this.

Yes. We have however genuinely fallen in love. This making it difficult to end.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 22:31

Itsaheadspinner · 03/04/2025 22:28

Doesn't mean because they don't share a bed that they aren't having sex. Lots of people sleep separately for practical reasons, snoring etc.
Like others have said if he was that unhappy he would've left long ago. You're his sidepiece and his ego boost.
Why would he uproot himself esp at his age?
It suits him to continue this way. Yes what man wouldn't have his cake and eat it?

They are not

OP posts:
OwlBasket · 03/04/2025 22:32

2/10

Original poster
PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 22:33

OwlBasket · 03/04/2025 22:32

2/10

I don't understand this comment

OP posts:
Icanseethehedge · 03/04/2025 22:33

How lovely he's so loyal. 🙂

By the way, is he 60 or 63?

pompey38 · 03/04/2025 22:34

TheSassyAmberNewt · 03/04/2025 21:39

Why is he unable to make big life changing decisions? He’d rather be unhappy than support himself? I’d steer clear tbh.

My experience is that I’ve met quite a few men who claim to be unhappy in their current situation, but they aren’t man enough to make the leap into shaping their lives. They never take control of themselves and they’d rather be man-children and moan about it and cheat on their wives’. No morals and deeply unattractive to me. What’s to stop him doing the same to you if those are his values?

Money, it’s always money . Not in love enough if assets stops you getting together

Original poster
PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 22:35

springbringshope · 03/04/2025 21:53

Logically I can see he may well be unhappy and in a rubbish marriage. But not unhappy enough to uproot his finances
he has now got both his financial stability and intimacy and fun.

no reason for him to change anything.

OP realistically you have one choice. Tell him you love him dearly but you are not willing to be his side piece. Split from him and tell him you will be available if and when he divorces his wife.

if he doesn’t then that tells you exactly how far up his priority list you are. If he loves you madly and knows he will lose you he will leave his wife. If he doesn’t then he values his stability more than he values you
it’s not complicated

Show quote history

This is what I will be doing...

OP posts:
Teado · 03/04/2025 22:35

Plenty of married/cohabiting men stay “for the kids”. What’s his excuse?

Icanseethehedge · 03/04/2025 22:37

Teado · 03/04/2025 22:35

Plenty of married/cohabiting men stay “for the kids”. What’s his excuse?

Staying for his pension, most likely. 😉

TheObligingSwan · 03/04/2025 22:40

Icanseethehedge · 03/04/2025 22:37

Staying for his pension, most likely. 😉

Show quote history

But he's not married, so it's not that.

OP, why hasn't he left this "dead" relationship already?

sciaticafanatica · 03/04/2025 22:41

Man in desperate need for sex ends up sleeping with the single woman at work with the lowest self esteem.
who is gullible enough to believe anything he says for some adult intimacy.