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Original poster

Affair relationship ??

250 replies

PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 21:31

I've fallen in love with someone at work. It crept up on us after about 18 months of working together.

Initially and for a while there was no physical intimacy. Over the last year this has slowly evolved. I'm 47 and he is 63 I have 1 child, he has none. He's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms and living like housemates for over 10 years and is deeply unhappy. I know this to be entirely true.

I haven't had a serious relationship for around the same amount of time and we have both felt completely accepting of our lives lacking in intimacy. However we have found one another and really appreciate each other, enjoy one anothers company and have lots of shared interests.

We are now in this odd liminal space where we are not quite able to make big life changing decisions, but at the same time; feel that we are missing out of we don't .

I would like to hear your similar stories and experiences that will help me decide how to navigate this.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 03/04/2025 22:41

FamilyPhoto · 03/04/2025 22:09

Im sure his wife isnt aware that she is in a dead relationship 🙄

Disney says it well
'Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, twatty shag about '....
@PeriodHome do you think you're the only one he sqwaks this crap to?!

AngelinaFibres · 03/04/2025 22:49

FamilyPhoto · 03/04/2025 22:09

Im sure his wife isnt aware that she is in a dead relationship 🙄

This. My exhusband was apparently living in a miserable, sexless marriage with separate lives and separate bedrooms. Eventually he had to divorce me because of my terrible mental health ( which apparently didn't stop me looking after our two tiny children for every day bar one every fortnight). It was all bollocks

Icanseethehedge · 03/04/2025 22:50

TheObligingSwan · 03/04/2025 22:40

But he's not married, so it's not that.

OP, why hasn't he left this "dead" relationship already?

Show quote history

Hmmm OP says he's not married, she also says he's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms but who knows?

Men like this quite often say their wife doesn't understand them, when in fact, the wives understand them only too well... 🫤

CaptainFuture · 03/04/2025 22:52

AngelinaFibres · 03/04/2025 22:49

This. My exhusband was apparently living in a miserable, sexless marriage with separate lives and separate bedrooms. Eventually he had to divorce me because of my terrible mental health ( which apparently didn't stop me looking after our two tiny children for every day bar one every fortnight). It was all bollocks

Show quote history

But he only stayed sooo long because he's 'such a good guy!' What a catch!

AngelinaFibres · 03/04/2025 22:56

CaptainFuture · 03/04/2025 22:52

But he only stayed sooo long because he's 'such a good guy!' What a catch!

Show quote history

Oh he.was 'lovely'. Did far.worse to her and then to the next one. He's dead now.

AngelinaFibres · 03/04/2025 23:08

You're single. You have a home of your own he could move in to after leaving his partner.
He isn't married. The asset sorting will take a while but it can be done. You'll be together in your love nest whilst it's done. So much easier without the legal hassle of divorce.
Presumably your child has met him since you're truly and specially in love. I bet a child free older man will be brilliant with a child day after day ( probably not)
I don't suppose he'll have to share pensions with his partner since they weren't married so that's a financial hassle avoided.
I'm imagining you're younger and fitter than his partner. That'll be handy when you're looking after a man in his 80s.

BlondiePortz · 03/04/2025 23:13

Not another? I am not sure what rule book you are reading but seriously buy another one

Can this be any more clicked? There is not one positive in all this and I would work on yourself if you think this is what you need

Dellspoem · 03/04/2025 23:13

No OP. If he’s unhappy with her and prefers to be with you then let him divorce before you run off into the sunset together.

SunflowerTed · 03/04/2025 23:16

PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 21:31

I've fallen in love with someone at work. It crept up on us after about 18 months of working together.

Initially and for a while there was no physical intimacy. Over the last year this has slowly evolved. I'm 47 and he is 63 I have 1 child, he has none. He's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms and living like housemates for over 10 years and is deeply unhappy. I know this to be entirely true.

I haven't had a serious relationship for around the same amount of time and we have both felt completely accepting of our lives lacking in intimacy. However we have found one another and really appreciate each other, enjoy one anothers company and have lots of shared interests.

We are now in this odd liminal space where we are not quite able to make big life changing decisions, but at the same time; feel that we are missing out of we don't .

I would like to hear your similar stories and experiences that will help me decide how to navigate this.

My experience is relationships built on lies and deceit rarely work out … Once you have the cheater full time yourself you’ll never trust him..

Spiaggio · 03/04/2025 23:18

So he’s unhappy, and desperately in love with you, his longtime relationship is dead, they’re not married, no children, she told him to go and ‘find an affair’ years ago — what’s stopping him flying into your arms?

Because inertia and habit are such attractive qualities.

Itsaheadspinner · 03/04/2025 23:19

There's no proof they're not having sex unless you know her and have discussed it with her? Which is even worse.

Dellspoem · 03/04/2025 23:25

PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 22:31

Yes. We have however genuinely fallen in love. This making it difficult to end.

Show quote history

..

Affair relationship ??
MrsEverest · 03/04/2025 23:28

Your feelings didn't creep up on you. You both made decision after decision after decision that led here. As we all do when we fall in love. We don't get there by accident, we make decisions.

He could end his relationship, he choses not to. Another decision.

youlied · 03/04/2025 23:31

Having been on the receiving end of an affair don’t do this to the other woman. It’s shitty. For your own sake too do you really think you can build a stable relationship with someone like this? Run for the hills

nellylemonade · 03/04/2025 23:37

Definitely get with him and release his partner from the joint relationship work, she’ll be much happier without a cheater and his baggage. You’ll be in love and won’t mind looking after him in his old age because you’re so much in love.

AnonAnonmystery · 03/04/2025 23:43

FamilyPhoto · 03/04/2025 22:09

Im sure his wife isnt aware that she is in a dead relationship 🙄

Agree with this … the tale as old as time.

ClementineOJ · 03/04/2025 23:54

I’m older than him and agree with PP. Quite often people approaching pensions worry how they’ll manage. If only some love struck, younger woman on a full salary would come along…

Loki64 · 03/04/2025 23:55

Me and my current partner worked for the same company but different offices three hours from each other, met once before when he came for a work trip but all professional.

A few years later we started chatting via WhatsApp and built a close relationship. He was married and I said I wouldn't agree to meet up until they'd seperated.

They seperated. Sorted finances, got himself a new house, all child arrangements in place. We then met up.

We've now been together 7 years.

If he wanted to and loved you, he would.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/04/2025 23:57

Funny how many men are "so desperately unhappy" but not unhappy enough to leave until they have three things secured......somewhere to go physically (so they wont be homeless or in a squalid flat somewhere rather than the comfy marital home), someone to go to sexually and someone who earns enough so that they dont lose out on their life style.

Love doesnt come into it, not at all.

If he was that bloody miserable he would have left 10 years ago, but he didnt. Why? Because he didnt have those three things ready and by the sound of it, still doesnt because you are getting cold feet.

I agree that telling him you will be there once he has left and is living alone is a good idea. If there are still excuses and reasons why he cant "yet" then he is just happy getting his leg over and thats all you are to him. I am sure he cares about you, but he loves himself and his comfy life more.

LemonMyrtle · 04/04/2025 00:00

Does he invite you to his house, since his partner is ok with it all?

(Edited to change wife to partner).

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/04/2025 00:03

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in need of a shag will tell a woman anything she wants to hear......

BeDeftBeaker · 04/04/2025 00:15

Loki64 · 03/04/2025 23:55

Me and my current partner worked for the same company but different offices three hours from each other, met once before when he came for a work trip but all professional.

A few years later we started chatting via WhatsApp and built a close relationship. He was married and I said I wouldn't agree to meet up until they'd seperated.

They seperated. Sorted finances, got himself a new house, all child arrangements in place. We then met up.

We've now been together 7 years.

If he wanted to and loved you, he would.

That’s horrific - chatting on WhatsApp to a married man. Breaking up a family.
Some people have no morals & don’t give a flying fudge.

AnonAnonmystery · 04/04/2025 00:21

@BeDeftBeaker this doesn’t make things any better the way you are pedalling this as a “affair success story”.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2025 00:23

If he wants to be with you he’ll leave her. It won’t even cost him a divorce.

AnonAnonmystery · 04/04/2025 00:35

AnonAnonmystery · 04/04/2025 00:21

@BeDeftBeaker this doesn’t make things any better the way you are pedalling this as a “affair success story”.

Sorry this was meant for @Loki64

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