Affair relationship ??

[PeriodHome]

I've fallen in love with someone at work. It crept up on us after about 18 months of working together.

Initially and for a while there was no physical intimacy. Over the last year this has slowly evolved. I'm 47 and he is 63 I have 1 child, he has none. He's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms and living like housemates for over 10 years and is deeply unhappy. I know this to be entirely true.

I haven't had a serious relationship for around the same amount of time and we have both felt completely accepting of our lives lacking in intimacy. However we have found one another and really appreciate each other, enjoy one anothers company and have lots of shared interests.

We are now in this odd liminal space where we are not quite able to make big life changing decisions, but at the same time; feel that we are missing out of we don't .

I would like to hear your similar stories and experiences that will help me decide how to navigate this.

@PeriodHome whether he’s lying now or not (and if it is true then it just adds more question marks to the whole reasoning behind why he has never left her before now) really doesn’t matter, he’s lied before and lied to her so God knows what’s true and what isn’t or how anybody is supposed to tell the difference.
All that matters is that you leave this self-serving, proven liar behind. In weaker moments then you miss him, remember that you weren’t the woman he was desperate to be with at any price and would have moved mountains for, you were the just the OW.
He did nothing to work towards being with you, he was happy to sit where he was, you had to force an ultimatum to get him to do anything except give you stolen time and then trot deceitfully back to his allegedly awful home situation.
Give your head a wobble in those sad moments and ask yourself why you ever thought that a relationship like that was all you deserve.
You deserve better.

I agree with pp. I understand you take what he says as the truth but what evidence do you have? He lied to you for your whole relationship as to why he couldn’t leave/ his finances. Yet he sets up another narrative and you take it as gospel? I would ask to speak to his ex partner (supposedly). If what he said is true she wouldn’t have an issue having a conversation with you. That is the only way you will get the truth. And you can’t go forward with him based on his version of the truth. You have a child, he’s 60 and could find someone else if this is bull. You hold the cards. Do not let yourself be drawn into this drama unless you get 100% transparency and decide you can move forward with the arrangement.

If it's true that the woman he's been living with for 20 years has been having a relationship with someone else for a long time, why has he never told you this before? It seems like really vital information. Or is he claiming that he's only just found about it now as they're splitting up? If so, it seems a tad convenient, doesn't it? A nice way for him to absolve himself of any guilt for cheating on her with you. 'Oh but she cheated on me first!'

As I said in my last post, I genuinely cannot understand why you believe a single word that comes out of this man's mouth, let alone repeat it here as though it's been sent down on golden tablets from on high and is unquestionable doctrine.

Because he used to video call me from his bedroom ..on his own to chat....it was his bedroom.....he also messaged me from the same spot first thing in the morning. It's not unheard of for couples to sleep separately and have dead bedrooms... there's enough people who talk about it on the relationship thread

I really don't think he's completely lying. He's 63 and has been in a dead relationship for years tied to a home due to a mistake he made 15 years ago. He's shut down, got on with his work, made the best of it. There is a potential alternative view that this man has buried his head in sand in shame over what he did wrong, buried his head in sand over his partner going elsewhere. You would be amazed at what emotional suppression can do. I'm not saying you're wrong but you might not be right. I've left situation behind and also as if by divine intervention, the most attractive man I know has sent me his quarterly voice message enquiring what I'm up to and how I am. These little connections we have usually end up with him asking me out or asking to meet. I might do that.

We've had about 4 dates in 7 years and it's never quite aligned. So I'm going to distract myself

Who is the man. Why has nothing come out of it in SEVEN YEARS?

He video called you from the bedroom? Eh? If I was the lying, cheating type, I could very easily video call someone from the bedroom whilst I was alone, because DH would be off sorting the animals.
And even if all this is true (it isn’t) do you want to be in a relationship with a man who is so poor at communication, so terrified at facing the issues in his life, that he “buries his head in the sand” for 15 YEARS? Add avoidant to his list of many issues and give this one a massive swerve.

Yes, dead bedrooms are a thing in some relationships. That's absolutely the case. They're also a thing that some cheating men pretend to their affair partners that they have so that the women will agree to sleep with them. I kind of wish we could hear the (ex?) partner's side of the story. It would be fascinating to know whether any of what he's told you about her is true.

Trust me it's his bedroom 🤣🤣. There was a no way any woman would share that.......

We are now together and he has separated from his partner of 20 years who has been having an affair for a significant time herself.

It's a huge relief for everyone to be able to move on and our relationship is solid, lovely and progressing for both of us.

He is taking legal advice about his finances and looking at different ways we can move forward together. In the meantime we're having lots of fun and enjoying a supportive and happy connection.

My child thinks he's marvellous. He's not with us very often but it's perfect balance.

We're doing great and genuinely in love......

You are “genuinely in love” with a lying, cheating, avoidant, fraudster? Ok op. You’ve been given really good advice but you have chosen to ignore it all. I wish you luck.

Yep. But he’s got his significantly younger gullible nurse with a purse to wipe his arse in his dotage so everyone’s a winner - apparently!

I have absolutely no idea why people come on here for advice, get very good, almost unanimous comments and then completely ignore all of it plus more red flags than a commit party rally on Putins birthday but hey ho.

I cannot understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is married.

How old is your child OP?

He isn't married

If everything you say is true then I wish you luck and hope that you remain happy together.

So, having said mere weeks ago that you 'deserve better' than this lying cheat with his dodgy finances, you're now blissfully in love and openly together as a couple. OK, OP. Whatever. Look after yourself and make sure to protect your own (and your DC's) interests.

@PeriodHome re read your posts from April, I can’t believe this is the same thread or the same person. Either he’s had a personality and circumstances change or you’ve somehow managed to make his story seem ok.
I wish you well but I have no idea how you have squared this circle. Proceed with care.

RTFT. Whether he is married or not isn’t the actual problem, believe it or not!

@Thewookiemustgo she has squared this circle because she wants to. I had a close female relative in this exact situation. Long term affair. He finally left his wife, but only after getting caught and it being established that actually, he’d been talking shite for a decade and had no money. The truth is the wife threw him out, but female relative didn’t want to see that and welcomed his broke ass with open arms. Until, as it turned out, he was a lazy, work avoidant, arsehole who expected her to earn all the money! Who would have thought it? They’ve both managed to alienate all their children, the “relationship” is a shit show and no one is happy. Lots of very hurt people for a man who frankly isn’t worth the steam off anyone’s piss. It’s a shame but I learned a lot from it!

One person's HEA is another's 🐸.

I love the phrase "isn’t worth the steam off anyone’s piss"! @Whatonearthdoiknow

OP I do hope it all works out for you x

@Whatonearthdoiknow absolutely. As I always say, people do what they want to do, despite anything they might say. Actions speak louder than words isn’t a worn out saying for nothing.
I’m so sorry your family went through that, it sounds heartbreaking and you can’t do a thing about it. It’s like watching a train crash in slow motion.
I genuinely hope this has a positive ending for all involved, despite OP’s apparent U-turn from what she was saying she thought about him in April. Fingers crossed it’s based on truth and not addiction to hopium. He must have said or done something to change her mind about him. Just leaving his wife wouldn’t be enough for me, I would need reasons and apologies for the lying and dithering and after all that it would be hard to believe his reasons for leaving were all off his own bat and genuine.

OP wrote:
”15 years ago he was taken to court and fined for some corporate mistake to the sum of almost a million pounds. He has a charge over his house that means if he sells the house everything in it will go straight to an asset management company. He put half of it in her name to protect it from being taken.
If he moves out he has nothing other than what has been hidden away. They have chosen to stay together so that they can keep the house.”

So I’m presuming by doing this he’s got nothing and the property has been effectively lost to her, as he can’t sell it to realise his equity, and he’s decided it doesn’t matter? He never said she could buy him out so he’s now got nothing and a property he can never sell.
It’s taken him seven years and an ultimatum to do this. A pity for OP he didn’t feel motivated enough to do it sooner. His actions don’t really make sense to me if all he said was true.

@Thewookiemustgo I'm not sure where 7 years has come from? It's taken 13 months to go through all this and it's not all lost.

50/50 on house. His split is attached to a debt related to a financial mismanagement legal case where he himself became personally liable.

I could potentially buy her half.....there's lots of ways it could be sorted out. She is barely there now anyway! Either way; before all this, we were friends. It's a lot to admit how ones life is in ruins and friendship and love shine a light on these things. It's been really tough but everyone is happier now.

Addiction to hopium @Whatonearthdoiknow that's very good. Yes, he's done a lot of explaining and a lot of apologising. There's been other changes too. We really love each other and I'm confident we will be fine

@PeriodHome apologies, I thought you’d been in the affair for a long time but that particular comment you made was actually about another guy you’d had four dates with over seven years. I got my wires crossed and confused the two guys.
I just find your sudden total understanding of his behaviour plus trusting his every word a big u-turn which seems to hinge purely on the fact that he left her.
I just find it odd that ‘losing everything’ due to the house situation was accepted earlier as an insurmountable reason he hadn’t left her, but now “there are lots of ways to sort it out”, which therefore existed when the house situation was viewed as part of why he was stuck. “ If they break up she gets to leave with 50% of a property, which he funded originally and he leaves with nothing.
So think that through. If she leaves he will be left effectively homeless. So she has all the power not him.”
I don’t remember you saying earlier that there were lots of ways to sort it between you then, which he could have easily discussed with you and surely he should have been desperately looking to find a way for you to be together. If the solutions were easily sorted why was he so adamant he was stuck? I would be asking myself if that was always the case, ie lots of ways to sort it, why was he still staying put? You told the poster at the time “so think that through” but it looks like you and he clearly had not? Doesn’t make sense!
Nor does your current ‘happy ever after’ stance square with this: “I imagine the whole thing is in her name and he won't admit it. Hence him freaking out about being kicked out.
Yes. There's more to this.
Much more. I'm really, internally, backing away very slowly from this. God only knows what he's been up to but I looked at companies house and there are loads of companies registered in his name and lots were dissolved at around the same sort of time.
It's all so weird. I feel quite tarnished at the moment.”
So he’s explained all that? You don’t think it’s weird any more? He’s polished away the tarnished feeling for you ?
“There is more to this I'm sure but I feel quite sick now and can't quite get my head around all this. It feels like a lot.” So what on earth did he say to remove the tarnish, explain the weird, quell your nausea and make a lot of new concerning information he had deliberately hidden from you all perfectly normal and understandable?
Or was getting him to leave her and join you all that it took to dismantle the red flag parade?

“I think it's the truth coming out of his arse tbh. We spoke an hour ago and he is now petrified I'm going to say something about his big fine. He said he owes me the truth and has more to say.”
“PeriodHome · 07/04/2025 17:50
Yes. I've completely knocked it on the head. The attraction has gone too. The thought of doing this to again give me the ick.”
So he’s telling the truth now? All the problems and secrets and withholding of information that had him dragging his feet and making him a turn-off have magically disappeared?
I worry for you, reinstating trust and explaining all your justifiable reservations and feelings of being used and lied to so quickly isn’t a safe thing for you to do. He proved his untrustworthiness by having an affair, hiding significant facts about his career and financial dire straits, using things which have turned out to be perfectly easy to sort out as reasons not to be with you earlier, yet that’s all behind you now and everything has fallen into place and makes perfect sense? I’m not being cynical, but I’d have to believe in magic to make all that go away so quickly. My husband had an affair after 35 years together. Despite eventually reconciling, I didn’t reverse my opinion on his untrustworthiness and lies just because he dumped his OW and begged to stay with me. I didn’t decide that I could trust him immediately just because of that.
He had a shit ton of work to do which took months if not years to work through to get us to where we are now, not weeks.
I said earlier OP, proceed by all means, but slowly and with extreme caution.