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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair relationship ??

250 replies

PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 21:31

I've fallen in love with someone at work. It crept up on us after about 18 months of working together.

Initially and for a while there was no physical intimacy. Over the last year this has slowly evolved. I'm 47 and he is 63 I have 1 child, he has none. He's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms and living like housemates for over 10 years and is deeply unhappy. I know this to be entirely true.

I haven't had a serious relationship for around the same amount of time and we have both felt completely accepting of our lives lacking in intimacy. However we have found one another and really appreciate each other, enjoy one anothers company and have lots of shared interests.

We are now in this odd liminal space where we are not quite able to make big life changing decisions, but at the same time; feel that we are missing out of we don't .

I would like to hear your similar stories and experiences that will help me decide how to navigate this.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 04/04/2025 19:18

What are you going to do, end it with the proviso he calls if leaves wife & comes up trumps ?
or simply carry on as you are. (The advantage is that your dc doesn't get mixed up in the probable mess)
or accept this was a passage in your life where the stars weren't aligned & move on ?

Icanseethehedge · 04/04/2025 20:10

OchreRaven · 04/04/2025 19:00

It doesn’t make sense that she would be happy if he left her for you because she wouldn’t be entitled to anything that’s not already hers. And if it is true and he’s staying because he doesn’t want her to ‘win’ seems a bit sad that he would pass up this great love to not lose some weird game with his partner.

I think you need to look at his actions not his words or your feelings.

Yeah he's clearly a game player. Take heed OP.

Amidelusional · 04/04/2025 20:19

It's really hard to see the woods for the trees when you're in the midst of something like this, but if you step away from it I think you'll quickly see it for what it is, and that if he really wanted to be with you he would do it, regardless of any inconveniences to his life. Don't waste any more of your time and maybe look at why you've ended up in this situation (I had to do the same and it wasn't pleasant)

Original poster
PeriodHome · 04/04/2025 21:30

Thanks everyone. I've told him tonight that he has to choose. I've said I'm not being the other woman anymore.

I've said I deserve and want a life partner and he needs to make a decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeriodHome · 04/04/2025 21:35

Mix56 · 04/04/2025 19:18

What are you going to do, end it with the proviso he calls if leaves wife & comes up trumps ?
or simply carry on as you are. (The advantage is that your dc doesn't get mixed up in the probable mess)
or accept this was a passage in your life where the stars weren't aligned & move on ?

My DC bloody adores him. They don't see a lot of each other so his absence from my life wouldn't have a huge impact at this point.

Yes, I will have to accept it really. I will be gutted as well be become so intertwined with this man. I do however constantly remind myself that the intertwined elements we share do not include a significant part of his life which I have zero access too. It's a huge imbalance. Unfortunately there's a certain equilibrium between us that carries through parts of our wider life together in a really lovely way. I would miss that.

OP posts:
Icanseethehedge · 04/04/2025 21:43

PeriodHome · 04/04/2025 21:30

Thanks everyone. I've told him tonight that he has to choose. I've said I'm not being the other woman anymore.

I've said I deserve and want a life partner and he needs to make a decision.

How did he react when you told him that?

The thing is, when you're the OW, you're not having a true relationship; it's all snatched time together and you never see the 'real' person unfortunately. 🫤

Original poster
PeriodHome · 04/04/2025 21:47

Icanseethehedge · 04/04/2025 21:43

How did he react when you told him that?

The thing is, when you're the OW, you're not having a true relationship; it's all snatched time together and you never see the 'real' person unfortunately. 🫤

Show quote history

He's going to talk to me tomorrow.

He said we need a serious talk. It such a strange experience. I feel in so many ways as if he is my partner. Then he goes home. Our lives are so wrapped up in one another

OP posts:
Original poster
PeriodHome · 04/04/2025 21:50

@Icanseethehedge yes, exactly. It's snatched time. It's not quality time.

i live really near our work too so it's so easy to spend time together.

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 04/04/2025 22:26

PeriodHome · 04/04/2025 21:47

He's going to talk to me tomorrow.

He said we need a serious talk. It such a strange experience. I feel in so many ways as if he is my partner. Then he goes home. Our lives are so wrapped up in one another

Show quote history

Except your lives are not wrapped up in each other at all, they’re compartmentalised.
When he’s with you, he’s with you. When he’s with her, he’s with her. He lives a double life and has never been forced to choose.
You’ve erased that part of his life with his wife as irrelevant, based on the fact that he likes spending time with you and disparages his life with her. You listen intently to what he says about it, but dismiss the fact that he doesn’t come home to you, he goes home to her. If everything he says is as it is, you really have to question why.
The most useful bits of information I ever had in this situation are that 1) actions tell you what people really want to do, despite anything they might say and 2) if it doesn’t make sense, it’s usually not true.
He’s been allegedly bored and irrelevant at home for many years yet he’s still there. These are his consistent actions and given his complaints, it does not make any sense.
Are you a secret enjoyable addition to his current life, or his actual future?

notatinydancer · 04/04/2025 23:07

PeriodHome · 04/04/2025 21:30

Thanks everyone. I've told him tonight that he has to choose. I've said I'm not being the other woman anymore.

I've said I deserve and want a life partner and he needs to make a decision.

If he says he’s not leaving , please stick to your guns to end it.
Also why have you introduced him to your child ???

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/04/2025 23:32

I suspect that your ultimatum really isnt one, as you will end up staying with him, accepting the crumbs.

Hope I am wrong.

Original poster
PeriodHome · 05/04/2025 00:51

notatinydancer · 04/04/2025 23:07

If he says he’s not leaving , please stick to your guns to end it.
Also why have you introduced him to your child ???

Show quote history

He knows him anyway as we are connected regardless of the relationship. He's not married...he's partnered.

You are all correct and absolutely he goes home to her @Thewookiemustgo yes, that's exactly what I feel. Am I a secret addition to his life or his future. I think I'm probably the 1st thing. He's not going to leave. It's too comfortable

OP posts:
NotLegallyBlonde · 05/04/2025 01:38

OP, I’ve nothing practical to add, as others seem to have said everything.

I just wanted to send you well wishes, and hope that whatever happens, that YOU are happy with the decisions made either together or separately.

If you can love and respect yourself, then hopefully that will guide you to your best outcome.

Sending you love and light…

Original poster
PeriodHome · 05/04/2025 01:48

NotLegallyBlonde · 05/04/2025 01:38

OP, I’ve nothing practical to add, as others seem to have said everything.

I just wanted to send you well wishes, and hope that whatever happens, that YOU are happy with the decisions made either together or separately.

If you can love and respect yourself, then hopefully that will guide you to your best outcome.

Sending you love and light…

Thank you. I really needed to hear that. Thanks for your kindness too. Appreciated

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 05/04/2025 02:18

Beautiful song about the feelings of both women in this. Not the original version which was Reba on her own, but this captures it brilliantly. You are Dolly. And listen to what they say at the end.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZIIEkhtEzk

Gonk123 · 05/04/2025 07:11

I hope things work out for you.

GeorgeMichaelsMicStand · 05/04/2025 07:12

If he really wanted to leave, he would. Sorry.

Whatonearthdoiknow · 05/04/2025 12:35

You “live close to work so it’s easy to spend time together”? Op, this sounds like you’ve been sneaking out together when she thinks he’s at work?
And if he thinks she’ll be pleased he’s off, I cannot see what the problem is?
I think he is spinning you a yarn op, and if he is, I just feel sad for his wife. Infidelity is brutal, you don’t have to go far on here to see the devastation it causes.
If he was unhappy, yes, of course, leave but after 20 years together, he should show a minimum of respect and leave before he looks elsewhere. He is not a good man.

Sodthesystem · 05/04/2025 12:44

Jeez. So he's a grown man just wasting his partner's time and life hanging around, bitching about how miserable he is to others. What a loser. His poor wife.

He's obviously only staying because she's the free cook and housemaid or he's one of those who can't be alone. And along comes you, the gullible romantic who he intends to jump ship to and leach off of.

Wake up and smell that coffee love.
He's a wrong un. Good men leave marriages where they are miserable. They don't stay and slag them off behind their wifes back.

Next you'll be telling us he gives you the line 'she says she'll kill herself if I leave'. You've hit all the other made up things men say when trying to cheat.

Maybe it's there already, I've only read your first post.

Original poster
PeriodHome · 05/04/2025 14:24

I've told him today that I won't see him anymore unless he becomes properly available.

It's now in his hands to decide whether this connection really does mean that much to him.

I'm focusing on myself and my family.

OP posts:
Gonk123 · 05/04/2025 16:19

Has he offered any kind of initial reaction?

Thewookiemustgo · 05/04/2025 17:18

Well done @PeriodHome, one way or the other you’ll get your answer, none of which should start with “Of course I’m going to
leave her…but I can’t just up and go….. I’ll leave her when …..” fill in the blank with a lame excuse.
Dithering I would also take as a ‘no.’

Original poster
PeriodHome · 05/04/2025 21:37

He's really upset. He says he totally respects my feelings about it and understands.

He's since messaged and said he's looking at houses and wants to show me some next week.

i'm not holding out for that. I need to see that he's going to do this and also if he is he's got lots to do emotionally and practically. I said I'm not going to live in the clouds anymore with him as there's no integrity in it.

In the meantime I'm getting on with my life as it os

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 05/04/2025 21:50

I think you have your answer. I’m sure he truly is upset. But you deserve a full time partner not someone who lives with his own. I think the kindest thing to do for yourself is rip off the plaster and end things

NeilDiamondsBlowDry · 05/04/2025 22:04

Bin him off OP you are too young for him anyway. Think of 10 years ahead and 20 is even worse.