Affair relationship ??

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I've fallen in love with someone at work. It crept up on us after about 18 months of working together.

Initially and for a while there was no physical intimacy. Over the last year this has slowly evolved. I'm 47 and he is 63 I have 1 child, he has none. He's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms and living like housemates for over 10 years and is deeply unhappy. I know this to be entirely true.

I haven't had a serious relationship for around the same amount of time and we have both felt completely accepting of our lives lacking in intimacy. However we have found one another and really appreciate each other, enjoy one anothers company and have lots of shared interests.

We are now in this odd liminal space where we are not quite able to make big life changing decisions, but at the same time; feel that we are missing out of we don't .

I would like to hear your similar stories and experiences that will help me decide how to navigate this.

First of all it wasnt an affair. Years went by before we had more than a friendship. People are allowed to have friendships when they're married.

As I was pointing out to op, if someone is that unhappy in a relationship, they'd leave. Her ap is not.

Nailed it

“I am sure he cares about you, but he loves himself and his comfy life more.”

I agree @PyongyangKipperbang

For most, it’s just too much hassle to leave. They may not be married but their finances are likely intertwined, not to mention potentially losing friendships and respect. There’s a lot at stake when people have affairs, and it doesn’t always come down to staying for the children (I know there aren’t any in this case, but there’s obviously other things keeping him from leaving).

If he has really been in a dead relationship for 10 years he should leave his wife! Wake up OP

It was clearly an emotional affair if you were in a place where you could ask him to leave his family before starting to see you. So he clearly must have loved you as a married man right to do all this? This is the point you are trying to make to the op? You don’t sound like you have won the prize there tbh. Honestly you sound so smug!

Thats not fair.

I chat with a fair few married men on Whatsup because they are my mates and we share a (male dominated) hobby. There is no "side" to it. I would be more than happy for their wives to see the messages and I know for a fact that at least one of them does keep an eye on such things. There is no flirting, no feelings other than friendship. If one of them tried it on then they would be swiftly knocked back, and they know it. Us chatting shite about the game or slagging off the racisit homophobe that we cant manouvre out is hardly "breaking up a family"!

If they were to split up and then some years later I ended up in a relationship with one of them, would that be shitty? Every serious relationship I have been in has been with someone I knew first as a friend.

I didnt ask him to leave his family, and no he did that bevause they were in an unhappy marriage.

Thats what people tend to do when they're in an unhappy marriage.

I see you are one of those mumsnetters that make scenarios up in your head as an excuse to argue with someone online so that you have something to fill your time with.

I see your going to decide upon yourself that you know my whole back story and character from me telling op that if someone is in an unhappy relationship, they'd leave the relationship, not make excuses for staying there while sleeping with someone else.

Also, me saying no to travelling four hours to go for coffee with a man isnt me asking him to leave his wife.

Ime, you need to know someone well, to know whether it's really love. I'm assuming if you're not yet having an affair, you only see him at work? Not how he is, out socially with your friends / family, not how he treats you when you're unwell or low, how he acts on a Sunday night, when you're washing your socks, ready for Monday... Anyone can pretend to be anything at work.

In the unlikely event that his setup is genuine, I'd want a frank conversation the three of you together - his wife (or whatever she is), you and him. If you hear her say "Yes, Joe and I are just friends now. Neither of us wants to move out of our gorgeous house, but by all means, have a relationship with him, he's yours! I'll now pursue my own romantic interests", then you can start dating him properly, and get to know him, and see if it is true love. Hopefully it is, and you can do lovely things together, even if you never move in.

Please don't just start a seedy affair at work, because it will end drama and tears (probably yours). You deserve a proper relationship, if that's what you want.

Unless you actually know her and she’s told you all this directly herself (and christ op, if you do know her, it makes this seedy situation even worse!) you’ve no idea what is going on in his home. You’ve said she doesn’t know about you so he is lying to her. Why on earth do you assume he’s not lying to you? No man alive ever has said “actually I love my wife but I just fancy a bit on the side. I’ve no intention of leaving her, you’re just a fuck” now have they??? You have no idea what they do or do not do together but if she had in fact told him to find an affair partner, why hasn’t he admitted he has?

Your behaviour is a choice and frankly, a shit one at that. Stop being so gullible, dig deep and find a modicum of human decency (you will have to because he clearly has none) and end this, now. Cut all contact and tell him not to contact you again until he is free and single, including living independently. That will tell you all you need to know, because if it’s “true lurve” he will do exactly that.

About as aware as I was probably when I discovered my husband had been having an affair.

People having affairs don't see themselves as other people see them. He's a craven liar stabbing his partner in the back and you're believing everything he says and don't give a shit who you hurt.

I've always said that karma comes quickly for people having affairs as they've got each other.

Even if his partner knows about you, why would you want to having sex with the man you love while he lives with his partner?!

I suspect the feelings you have developed for him are just because you have been single a long time and you got on well working together. Personally I’d take it as a sign you’re ready to date, looking for a serious relationship. But you need to cut contact with him to allow yourself to move on

He doesn’t respect his wife. That’s so unattractive to me. At least have the balls (saggy now I expect) to do the right thing. Lots of people have separate rooms but are still very happy. I don’t think he’s telling you the full story here. There’s a reason he’s been with her for so many years. She’s likely too good for him in my opinion. If he can betray his life partner after all they’ve been through then you won’t stand a chance and may end up very hurt. That poor woman.

I think you're naive at best. He is far less entwined than most OM. No divorce required and how entwined can his finances be? A home will sell (legally the will be clear if unmarried), and if they're in business together surely he'll be looking at retiring sóon.
If you know his partner well enough to know for certain OM is telling the truth, then you must be close to her. That makes you sound underhand.
I'd also be interested to know how old your DC is. Not many childless men his age would want to become a SF to a young child or teenager.
Maybe his partner is a similar age to him and he"s looking for a younger model to take on a caring role in his dotage. He'll be in his 70s before you know it.
Honestly, I'd run now.

This is accurate

Get some respect for yourself OP.

I loathe women posting about it their affairs saying the man’s relationship is dead/ separate bedrooms etc and they KNOW it’s dead. You don’t know jack shit.
pretty sure my husband told all sorts of ‘my relationship is dead’ nonsense to his affair partner. How naive of women to drink this up. You are just listening to whatever the man wants to say.

If they're not actually married, then it's not like the split of assets would be super complicated?

Neither of them would have legal claims on the other's individual assets, such as pensions or savings in their own name only.

It's only ones in joint names that would be problematic, but that's just selling up and splitting the proceeds really.

So yeah, it would be blowing his life up, but he ought to get out what he put in..

OP sounds very sure. Maybe she's a friend of the woman.

My father had long term affairs. He was infatuated with his affair partners and from the outside his marriage would be considered dead. He has always loved my mother though and they are still together in their 80s. I think she should have left him but he does a huge amount for her now that she is old and frail and rings me up every time he has a worry about her health. Despite their less than ideal marriage, seeing them how they are now makes me realise why they never split up. There is a lot more to relationships than whether people are having sex or not.

Oh my goodness OP I've just seen this is the guy who discusses your appearance with his work colleague and then gives you feedback on their opinion of your hair!

This is very simple. If he wanted to be with you openly and honestly he would be.

He's cheating on her, which means he’s a liar.

Why do you think he is only lying to her? Of course he’s lying to you. You’re making a massive fool of yourself.

Why on earth would you stay in a dead relationship that long with no kids and not even married? I don’t understand that at all and I think it means the relationship is not dead and he’s hedging his bets. They all say their relationships are dead don’t they?

Hard no unless he can be bothered to leave.

Also he never found an affair before out of loyalty? Loyalty to what? Why’s he been ‘loyal’ to a person he supposedly has no relationship with but the suddenly not when the chance comes along? It makes no sense.