Affair relationship ??

[PeriodHome]

I've fallen in love with someone at work. It crept up on us after about 18 months of working together.

Initially and for a while there was no physical intimacy. Over the last year this has slowly evolved. I'm 47 and he is 63 I have 1 child, he has none. He's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms and living like housemates for over 10 years and is deeply unhappy. I know this to be entirely true.

I haven't had a serious relationship for around the same amount of time and we have both felt completely accepting of our lives lacking in intimacy. However we have found one another and really appreciate each other, enjoy one anothers company and have lots of shared interests.

We are now in this odd liminal space where we are not quite able to make big life changing decisions, but at the same time; feel that we are missing out of we don't .

I would like to hear your similar stories and experiences that will help me decide how to navigate this.

Oh op. Seriously, find a single man.
You've fallen for a liar and a cheat, cut your losses and raise your bar a bit.
They all say their wives are awful, don't fall for it anymore.

Yeah funny how they all have such miserable lives and awful wives that they manage to stay with despite their misery.

I knew a man who truly was in an utterly miserable marriage, I also knew his wife and if her behaviour in public was anything to go by, she was absolutely horrible. He left her. He was single for a few years after that. Of the others with apparently "unhappy" marriages, they were all men that seemed perfectly happy with their wives but wanted a bit on the side.

When you work in pubs people forget that being behind the bar doesnt render you deaf or blind......

He’s not a great bet for a future, however if he’s what you want then don’t fall for the looking at houses thing. I’d say by all means he can look at houses, buy one and move into it alone and then you will talk to him. It could take months for a sale to go through and he buys yet more time with no material difference.
He could move out quicker than that into rented. When he’s single and living alone he’s actually gone through with it. Until then stay firm.

Yes. I said to him I hope he enjoys the process of imagining himself in a different place. This will be the test. I know with no uncertainty, that I won't be entertaining him as things are. Not again. He will either replace me or he will do the work to make this relationship honest. Will see.

Valid point actually, regarding rented. If I met someone else that I genuinely wanted to be with, I simply couldn’t stand the deceit and sneaking around aspect of having an affair, the guilt would cripple me. I would tell my DH that I wanted to end the relationship and move out, sharpish, into rented, so as not to prolong the situation. It seems this man has money and no children so there is no reason at all he can’t do this.

The OP said in one of her updates that the bloke has 'lots of pets', so I imagine renting might therefore be a somewhat tricky proposition for him.

I hope things work out for you, OP. It certainly sounds like you're massively into him, and I really hope for your sake that he actually does return your feelings in full measure to the extent of taking action and making himself properly, fully available to mesh his life with yours and your DC's. Personally I'd find his passivity - his unwillingness and inability to do anything about his supposed unhappiness for so many years - off-putting in a partner. And I'd find his disloyalty and disrespect towards his long-term partner, his constant bitching to you (and maybe to others as well?) about how awful his life with her is, revolting and repugnant. I hope that she too finds genuine happiness in the future, perhaps, if that's what she wants, with another man who treats her with respect, consideration and kindness.

@Calliecarpa nope. I have A LOT of pets and I’ve rented in the past. It obviously makes it more challenging but it’s definitely doable, particularly if you can afford to throw money at it, IF it’s what you want.

He's not constantly bitching about her at all. He met her on a dating page 20 years ago and says they have always known they weren't the best fit, made the best of it, have filled up life with pets they share but other than this have no real connection. He sleeps in a separate part of house. Has done for years. They don't holiday, go out or have any shared interests. He has admitted to me he feels guilty about this and said they can't do things together. He gave an example that he was washing dishes and she hovers over him saying 'you missed a bit' and is hyper critical of how he handles his work. Even before we were together ..a long time before we were together, I remember talking about a certain policy and procedure. I questioned why there wasn't one. She is in a similar field of work to me and he came in and said 'i asked Fiona, what she thought'
Apparently she said to him, she thought it was ridiculous that he didn't know this should be in place already. Why would he though? It wasn't his role to know and just a conversation. I thought them it sounded like she spoke really harshly to him.

But yes, it's not attractive. The passivity.

OK, I see! Good to know. I haven't rented for a long time so wasn't sure. I did wonder if the 'lots of pets' might well provide a convenient excuse for him to tell OP that he can't move out into rented accommodation but will have to buy his own place. Which will of course take months and months and will mean that he has to continue living with his partner for a good long while yet. 🙄

@PeriodHome cheating men have to justify their cheating to ease their guilt and stop you thinking they are just a common or garden cheating man. They are trapped victims apparently, and will no doubt tell you that you are the only happiness in their lives/ they didn’t realise how unhappy they were until they met you/ they are so lucky that they finally found the person they were actually meant to be with….. whilst all the time trotting home to their jailer who they don’t have sex with/ sleep in separate bedrooms/ live more like brother and sister/ live more like friends/ she’s more like my housekeeper/ the love does a long time ago….. did I miss anything out? It’s incredible the number of women in affairs on here over time who have been told the same things or variants of the above.
He had to balance it though. He won’t carp on about her too much or it would ruin the affair and sound to you like it upset him that she didn’t love him, or make you start wondering what the real reason for his not leaving her is, if it’s really that bad.
But here’s the thing in his case: who on earth with money, unmarried freedom with no legal or financial complications and no children, who was used to being on a dating app with presumably quite a lot of choice given his circumstances, would put up with that for 20 years? Seriously?
The only thing we know for a fact is that he lies, proved by his consistent lying to his partner about his behaviour and about you.
I would think very seriously about making a new life for myself without him, the more you tell us, the less genuine he sounds to me.
I hope he becomes an honest man and tells his partner. Until he’s completely separated and living independently I wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole, and remember that he’s convinced you that you’re the only person he’s cheated with or ever would.
This also unfortunately might not be true and if/ when he decides his set up with you isn’t all he thought it was going to be, you know what behaviour to expect.
Do what is best for you. I think you’re doing the right thing about him now, in the short term, but use this time to see what you have actually been for him all this time.
A distraction? A fantasy? A little holiday from his real life?
Have you been the only woman in his life?
Are you the one and only valued partner whom he cared about so much all he wanted to do was start a new life with her?
You are where most mistresses end up now, starting to question the promises and flattery and having to force a decision through an ultimatum.
Even if he leaves her, you will always wonder if he ever would have left her for you without you demanding it.
If I were you I wouldn’t choose him, I’d choose me.

This gets worse and worse.

He really doesn’t sound clear-headed enough to be able to make decisions about his future and navigate challenges such as sorting out assets / pets / house. What you have said about you both being similar in vulnerability and insecurity so 'get' each other because of previous trauma tells me that your relationship is based on a very flaky foundation. Your posts tell me that you like to think of yourself as a strong person OP. Find a strong partner. He is weak.

You're right. That's exactly it. It's too much for him. He is a boarding school survivor and this has shaped a lot of his emotional life I am not a therapist or a comforter. I need a life that's honest.

God all these men really are the same aren’t they? I’ve been in a similar position op and it’s hard to move on when they keep dragging you back in. They say what they need to say to keep you interested: you get me more than anyone else; I’m going to leave; I’ve never felt this way about anyone before; I love you and can’t give you up; I’m looking at houses. What they tend not to do is ever actually leave the main relationship. I think it’s always a bad sign when they choose to enter into an affair rather than leave. It indicates a weakness of character that probably means they’ll never have the courage to make a decision as big as actually leaving

'He gave an example that he was washing dishes and she hovers over him saying 'you missed a bit'

Omg the poor love .

Op, raise your bar. He is a liar and a cheat. He'll do the same to you if he isn't already.

You also need a partner who is able to be strong, autonomous and decisive. He’s staying in his current situation for a reason - it might be a dysfunctional reason but it’s a reason. It is quite possible that if he left his relationship he would not cope. His relationship serves him in some way, meets his needs in some way. You don’t want to be picking up the pieces from him leaving (and the distinct possibility that you would be blamed for it at some point in the future).

You were unwise to have this affair and can do much, much better than this old drifter.

Exactly. What an ego boost for a 63yr old having a love sick 47yr old lapping up all his tales of woe. 'My wife criticises my washing up! It's just awful!'.

I really thought women were wiser than to fall for this stuff.

Would love to hear his wife's side. Reading the relationships threads, I know who my sympathy lies with.

Yes something like 'my husband can't even wash up without supervision and he's 63 going on 83 fun and sex wise'.
She maybe has her bit on the side too.

http://youtube.com/post/UgkxMgUGYLTBFrOP-VK4qsF9GoFKo12qH8ge?si=sYuErhLaKAJLLaO5

I've just read this and I feel it speak to his situation very eloquently. As you say @Calliecarpa the passivity is really off putting. To quiet quite your relationship and not have the courage to leave, is both weak and unkind to the other person.

But op you only have his word about the state of the relationship.

If his partner was so keen for him to find someone else, wouldn't you be invited over for dinner? If I were her and things were as he says, I'd be keen to meet you. Perhaps even be friends. Or at the very least, curious and, wanting to reassure you that things are as he says.
People do have open relationships after all.

Unless it's just supposed to be sex elsewhere but he's lining up to jump ship. Which obviously isn't what she would want. But obviously, then makes him a scummy cheat.

Anyway, cycling back. You know nothing about their relationship apart from what he has said. And everything he has said sounds straight from a cheaters playbook.

Even his stories give you clues. 'Youve missed a spot' designed to make her seem hypercritical (rather at odds with miss free and easy 'you can have an affair' he painted her as before don't you think) actually may indicate he does half assed jobs around the home so that she has to finish them (wesponised incompitance). They tell on themselves in their own stories.

Too true @Sodthesystem everything you say here has crossed my mind. I would love to be part of that sort of open relationship dynamic. I could probably cope with that. I did suggest he tell her and he said, well I don't think you ought to have each others numbers if I did.

He then said she would kick him out. Lots of confusing messages here. I'm best out of it really. I feel quite lonely as he's been part of my everyday life to degrees for a year. I am also intent in not even maintaining a close friendship really. Again as it feels disingenuous and lacking in integrity

I've just treated myself to a lovely new sex toy and am forging forward with a new mindset. ☺️😁

Yeah I mean he's not really a

Sorry posted to soon, damn thing keeps jumping.

He's not really a friend is he. I mean, not if he has another agenda.

Lol of course he doesn't want you two in touch. At best, she would debunk all his lies. At worst shed leave him becaise no way in hell did she agree to extra marital activities.

Haha sounds like a fun Sunday! Who needs men!

Well bloody hell. We've just had a big old chat.

15 years ago he was taken to court and fined for some corporate mistake to the sum of almost a million pounds. He has a charge over his house that means if he sells the house everything in it will go straight to an asset management company. He put half of it in her name to protect it from being taken.

If he moves out he has nothing other than what has been hidden away. They have chosen to stay together so that they can keep the house.