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Original poster

Affair relationship ??

250 replies

PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 21:31

I've fallen in love with someone at work. It crept up on us after about 18 months of working together.

Initially and for a while there was no physical intimacy. Over the last year this has slowly evolved. I'm 47 and he is 63 I have 1 child, he has none. He's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms and living like housemates for over 10 years and is deeply unhappy. I know this to be entirely true.

I haven't had a serious relationship for around the same amount of time and we have both felt completely accepting of our lives lacking in intimacy. However we have found one another and really appreciate each other, enjoy one anothers company and have lots of shared interests.

We are now in this odd liminal space where we are not quite able to make big life changing decisions, but at the same time; feel that we are missing out of we don't .

I would like to hear your similar stories and experiences that will help me decide how to navigate this.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeriodHome · 04/04/2025 07:37

SCWS · 04/04/2025 00:38

“I am sure he cares about you, but he loves himself and his comfy life more.”

I agree @PyongyangKipperbang

For most, it’s just too much hassle to leave. They may not be married but their finances are likely intertwined, not to mention potentially losing friendships and respect. There’s a lot at stake when people have affairs, and it doesn’t always come down to staying for the children (I know there aren’t any in this case, but there’s obviously other things keeping him from leaving).

Yes, this is what he's shared with me. Fears about all this and the change. He's certainly resourced enough to move on and make a new life. His materially comfortable but emotionally unfilled life is a lot to dismantle and will take time.

He may choose not to do that, that will be clear over the next few months. I will then choose to move on.

I've told him I don't expect him to move on at this point and I've told him I'm not giving my all to this unless he does.

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 04/04/2025 07:43

Do you mean you won’t sleep with him anymore?

AngelinaFibres · 04/04/2025 08:37

I'm 60 in the summer. I'm fit and healthy. I'm very involved with my grandchildren, retired and have a busy life doing anything I want to do .My husband is 62. He's also very trim and fit and retired. When you are 60 this man will be 76. Go to a cafe in a busy place, sit in the window with a coffee and people watch. Look at all the old men doddering about.Is that what you want. I don't know how old your child is but in 13 years time you will likely be free of parental duties. You will be free to put yourself first for the first time since they were born. By the time my father was 76 he was in the grip of advanced parkinsons.My mother nursed him for 12 years before he died. She coped because they had been together since they were teenagers and they could reflect on years and years of good stuff before the dreadful stuff arrived. You won't have that. I have a friend who is 65. Her husband is 75. He has become an old man. She wants to be busy and to do things. He wants an afternoon nap. My husband's siblings are all in their 70s. The difference between 60 and 76 is enormous in terms of what people can do. In the height of the romantic, sexy bliss your brain is currently enjoying you won't want to think about the long term future ( he's very fit, he looks after himself, we'll be rushing around being amazing well into our 90s) but you need to consider it. A nice young carer is brilliant for him. Do you want to take that on because, realistically, one of you is going to end up caring for the other and it's most likely to be you ( if you get ill he'll be off like a shot )

Original poster
PeriodHome · 04/04/2025 09:38

AngelinaFibres · 04/04/2025 08:37

I'm 60 in the summer. I'm fit and healthy. I'm very involved with my grandchildren, retired and have a busy life doing anything I want to do .My husband is 62. He's also very trim and fit and retired. When you are 60 this man will be 76. Go to a cafe in a busy place, sit in the window with a coffee and people watch. Look at all the old men doddering about.Is that what you want. I don't know how old your child is but in 13 years time you will likely be free of parental duties. You will be free to put yourself first for the first time since they were born. By the time my father was 76 he was in the grip of advanced parkinsons.My mother nursed him for 12 years before he died. She coped because they had been together since they were teenagers and they could reflect on years and years of good stuff before the dreadful stuff arrived. You won't have that. I have a friend who is 65. Her husband is 75. He has become an old man. She wants to be busy and to do things. He wants an afternoon nap. My husband's siblings are all in their 70s. The difference between 60 and 76 is enormous in terms of what people can do. In the height of the romantic, sexy bliss your brain is currently enjoying you won't want to think about the long term future ( he's very fit, he looks after himself, we'll be rushing around being amazing well into our 90s) but you need to consider it. A nice young carer is brilliant for him. Do you want to take that on because, realistically, one of you is going to end up caring for the other and it's most likely to be you ( if you get ill he'll be off like a shot )

This is very good advice.

Although I am ill at the moment with a horrible fever and he's trying to offer me lots of care but I've told him I will be on my own 'thank you very much'.
Until I feel better.

He wouldn't be off like a shot if I was genuinely ill long term. Not at all. If anything, having lived entirely alone for 8 years with no solid family support since 2019 I feel smothered by his care and concern for me.

Something I'm not going to be able to receive fully until / unless he becomes fully available.

We both have experienced childhood trauma and are extraordinarily successful in different ways, despite many difficult odds. To be able to take the mask and stress of holding it all together with another human who completely understands is a real gift to both of us.

Would I resent caring for him for 10 years? If the love and bond we share now exists as it does, no I wouldn't, not one bit. I have a life that's full of enriching things, lovely friendships, wonderful pets and meaningful work. He would never let me give up those parts of my life for him. We would get a carer for him. Anyway I could get ill at any point.

There's so much cynicism on this thread, so many assumptions about him being opportunistic and sexually driven. A growing friendship and deep bond arrived first. The desire came after that.

OP posts:
SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 04/04/2025 09:47

Ensure you're getting at least bi-monthly comprehensive STD tests. The horny old goat has at least two girlfriends and is demonstrably untrustworthy.

I don't think you could expect much optimism on a thread about some cheating man.

Icanseethehedge · 04/04/2025 11:30

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 04/04/2025 09:47

Ensure you're getting at least bi-monthly comprehensive STD tests. The horny old goat has at least two girlfriends and is demonstrably untrustworthy.

I don't think you could expect much optimism on a thread about some cheating man.

Edited

This! 👍

Original poster
PeriodHome · 04/04/2025 16:29

Yes, I've had std tests thank you. They are all clear. I've also had a one night thing with a friend who I used protection with who is poly/ promiscuous.

I love this man, it is reciprocated

OP posts:
MoominMai · 04/04/2025 16:35

I think it’s odd people picking at the man’s age and highlighting how terrible things may be in 10 years. I mean no one’s future is assured ever anyway and I’d rather be with an older person who loves and cares for me and we have something in common than either no one or someone same age where you’re both slowly dying together with no love or affection. And if your partner regardless of age does become infirm then as you love them you’ll want to still be them and you’ll care and cherish them further. Not sure what’s so difficult to understand. Some people have very transactional based ideas of love imho 🤷🏻‍♀️

soarklyknobs · 04/04/2025 17:09

@PeriodHomeif your affair partner loves you, why isn’t he moving out of the home he shares with his ACTUAL partner to be with you?

Regardless of age, if he wanted to be with you, he would. Until he ends his current relationship, you are simply the OW regardless of whether you love him or not, he’s not even married, he could move out tomorrow if he wished and in with you.

Affairs are conducted by people who lie, convincingly.

If you know he’s lying to his partner (by not telling her he is in love with you and having sex with you) why won’t you believe that he could possibly be lying to you?

eyesoncctv · 04/04/2025 17:13

Why do all Men having affairs claim to be sleeping in different bedrooms and living like housemates? It’s utter rubbish, if there’s no children to stick around for then he would be long gone.
Also an affair doesn’t ‘creep up on you’ - you actively take part in the relationship. Women like you are the worst!

Mischance · 04/04/2025 17:19

A bit of a dalliance with a younger woman is flattering to his ego. What has he got to lose?

You need to be clear about what you have got to lose?

FinallyHere · 04/04/2025 17:26

"The relationship is bad. They do nothing together at all. They're not actually married either. She's told him to go and find an affair, he never has out of loyalty"

Seems to me that the way forward here is for him to introduce you to her as the affair she has told him to have, so you can in turn, politely explain that you are interested in more than 'an affair'

Hope it goes well for you.

ClementineOJ · 04/04/2025 17:33

Listen and taken in the thoughts of @AngelinaFibres and @PyongyangKipperbang OP. You seem to want your argue with wise advice.
if you’re so sure of him and what you’re doing, why have you posted?

Celynfour · 04/04/2025 17:54

OP
What would you like to happen ?
Would you like him to move in with you and your son ? Or move to his own place ? He can do those things , you’ve said he has the means . Currently he’s choosing not to.
Until he actually does something , you are just his side hustle . However he dresses it up with proclamations of love .
The cynicism on this thread is because so many of us have seen how these things pan out .
So what will you do ? Because that’s the only thing that you have any agency over .

Gymbunny2025 · 04/04/2025 17:57

Has he actually explained why he’s not leaving Op? As everyone has said in theory he has very few barriers compared to many. And it doesn’t sound like his partner would even be upset!

Original poster
PeriodHome · 04/04/2025 18:19

@Celynfour thank you....yes exactly this. He's gone through all sorts of scenarios about leaving. I would like him to get a place of his own
Mainly because my house is very small. Two small for three people. He has talked about buying another house and this has been the latest conversation. He is very frightened of change, for reasons I'm not going to go into here. @Gymbunny2025 . He goes round and round in circles. He has lots of pets too. My hot, and possibly misguided take on it is that if he leaves he will have to face her being pleased about the situation. I could be wrong. He's never said very much but I've picked up that she may be very invested in the relationship because of money. I'm not in anyway interested in this. My connection with him is related to our shared love of nature, spirituality, shared humour, sexual chemistry, capacity to be vulnerable together, intelligence, curiousity and opposing interests and views which make for good discussions. We also have similar habits and tastes with food, they say we like to talk and approach to work. We are similar in our vulnerability and insecurity so 'get' each other in a way that means we are very compassionate and understanding of each others worse traits.

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/04/2025 18:22

@PeriodHome I think best you crack on then. You’ve been given advice and opinion but you are hell bent on this relationship and convinced you are soul mates by the sounds of it!

Icanseethehedge · 04/04/2025 18:28

My hot, and possibly misguided take on it is that if he leaves he will have to face her being pleased about the situation. I could be wrong.

But why would it matter if she was pleased? Surely that would make life easier all round?

bettydavieseyes · 04/04/2025 18:33

Something isn't adding up. 10 years for you as a single person and you've fallen hard for this man who is already in a long term relationship. He sounds committed to her. For that reason alone I would walk away from this. I really don't think you should have got so involved with someone who isn't single. It doesn't matter that their relationship isn't intimate or what his gf said to him. Nobody should be offering half of themselves to a new relationship and that's what he's offering you. You will get hurt.

Celynfour · 04/04/2025 18:41

People are being kind to you .i hope you can see that .
We all think our ‘relationship ‘ is truly special , connected and spiritual and full of chemistry . Until we can’t really ignore excuses anymore .
He is not leaving because he doesn’t want to for whatever reason .
What actually matters is that you and your son are living a full life regardless of this . That you are able to keep this man fully separate from other parts of your life .
otherwise you will risk being misled , isolated and hurt . I would consider looking for another job .

TunipTheVegimal24 · 04/04/2025 18:44

AnonAnonmystery · 04/04/2025 18:22

@PeriodHome I think best you crack on then. You’ve been given advice and opinion but you are hell bent on this relationship and convinced you are soul mates by the sounds of it!

This!

It's a terrible idea OP, but I think you know this already. Sounds like you plan on doing it anyway.

I feel like people who know they're in the wrong, disable the voting. Because they don't want to see that 99%.

AnonAnonmystery · 04/04/2025 18:46

Also in all of this, how would this fit with your family life with your DC?

Thewookiemustgo · 04/04/2025 18:49

OP the amount of cynicism on this thread is because you have cited every clichéd reason for wanting an affair relationship that cheating men tell their mistresses. I don’t doubt the feelings involved but I do doubt his desire to ever have his wife.
I have no idea why someone who doesn’t need to stay in an unhappy relationship would give up a decade of their lives doing so, his wife as well as him, and gently and with the best will in the world, I doubt very much that you know the full story he is telling you really is ‘entirely true’ for a fact.
Living like brother and sister/ seperate bedrooms/ she said I could go and have an affair…. it reads like a cheating men #101 bingo card and you’ve got a full house there.
Men rarely leave their wives for their affair partners and of they are ever going to they usually leave pretty quickly. According to what he says he has zero, except possibly financial issues and fear of giving everything up for you, to stop him.
If he’s not sure enough of his or your feelings to be unafraid of changing his life for a future with you, or is more concerned about his finances than a future with you, aside from the morality of the situation I would walk away from this.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 04/04/2025 18:57

MoominMai · 04/04/2025 16:35

I think it’s odd people picking at the man’s age and highlighting how terrible things may be in 10 years. I mean no one’s future is assured ever anyway and I’d rather be with an older person who loves and cares for me and we have something in common than either no one or someone same age where you’re both slowly dying together with no love or affection. And if your partner regardless of age does become infirm then as you love them you’ll want to still be them and you’ll care and cherish them further. Not sure what’s so difficult to understand. Some people have very transactional based ideas of love imho 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think partly it's because this man does sound very selfish in his views and the way he treats people. He's selfish enough to cheat on the woman he's with, rather than setting her free, because it's convenient for him to stay where he is.

He's selfish enough to try and make the OP into an OW, with all the associated problems and disrespect. Not great for her son either, as it's unlikely that he won't end up embroiled in some way. At the very least, it won't do him any good psychologically, to see this situation modelled as normal or healthy in an way. Again, this apparently "spiritual" man, doesn't care at all.

In the circumstances, I think it's fair to assume he couldn't be relied upon to look after OP, were she to become ill. Obviously it's different, if the potential for care is reciprocated, and the man is a decent person.

OchreRaven · 04/04/2025 19:00

It doesn’t make sense that she would be happy if he left her for you because she wouldn’t be entitled to anything that’s not already hers. And if it is true and he’s staying because he doesn’t want her to ‘win’ seems a bit sad that he would pass up this great love to not lose some weird game with his partner.

I think you need to look at his actions not his words or your feelings.