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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair relationship ??

250 replies

PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 21:31

I've fallen in love with someone at work. It crept up on us after about 18 months of working together.

Initially and for a while there was no physical intimacy. Over the last year this has slowly evolved. I'm 47 and he is 63 I have 1 child, he has none. He's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms and living like housemates for over 10 years and is deeply unhappy. I know this to be entirely true.

I haven't had a serious relationship for around the same amount of time and we have both felt completely accepting of our lives lacking in intimacy. However we have found one another and really appreciate each other, enjoy one anothers company and have lots of shared interests.

We are now in this odd liminal space where we are not quite able to make big life changing decisions, but at the same time; feel that we are missing out of we don't .

I would like to hear your similar stories and experiences that will help me decide how to navigate this.

OP posts:
Newname25 · 18/04/2025 15:35

PeriodHome · 18/04/2025 15:04

He left her

Thank God he's left her. The poor woman can get on with her life now far far away from this loser.

Elasticatedtrousers · 18/04/2025 15:51

Relieved for his wife she’s finally shot of that loser.

Namechangedhols2025 · 18/04/2025 17:36

@PeriodHome NC. i am late and haven’t rwt properly, so sorry if I’ve missed this.

1.Do you own (or rent) your own home?
2.Do you have assets of your own otherwise, that you also need to protect?

Icanseethehedge · 18/04/2025 17:37

Woohoo, excellent! Is he moving in with you?

Now you'll get to know the 'real' him.

Sodthesystem · 18/04/2025 18:29

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 18/04/2025 15:18

Inclined to agree with what you say about these types of men when they ‘leave’ but I think this man has less (no kids, for example) reasons to return

Show quote history

But the reason would be she's put up with his shit for 20 years. Once the new woman fails to do that, they go back. Because someone has to feed them and wash their skivies and they sure as he'll won't do it for themselves.

murphys · 18/04/2025 18:40

PeriodHome · 18/04/2025 15:04

He left her

I'm happy for his wife.

I hope she is able to move on from this cheating liar.

Whatonearthdoiknow · 18/04/2025 18:43

Has he? Or has she found out and kicked him out? Because from her point of view he’s not exactly a keeper is he? Commits fraud, massively in debt and shags around….

Original poster
PeriodHome · 18/04/2025 19:50

No he's not with me. He's not living with me. He's gone to another property he owns at the coast. I declined him coming to me this weekend.

OP posts:
Celynfour · 18/04/2025 21:15

Another development . He owns another property but that wasn’t taken to re-pay his debt ?
A very complex and tangled set of circumstances .

Whatonearthdoiknow · 18/04/2025 22:29

All I can say op is if this was my “d”h? And he was fraudulent, penniless, a complete liar and shagging someone else? I would be absolutely delighted to hand him off to any mug willing to take him…..because I’d want nothing to do with him.

Thewookiemustgo · 19/04/2025 22:17

Unless I read what he told you earlier wrong, he’s owned another property at the coast all along and never moved out? Whose word have you got that he’s actually left her or does she think he’s gone to the coast property for an Easter break?
Stick to your original plan and decline and ignore.
I‘m not sure you will, but I guess that’s up to you. If he’s had this property all along it’s bonkers that he’s maintained he couldn’t move out, plus his ‘bombshell’ about his financial situation makes no sense and sounds like a pile of bs to me.
There’s no way all this can be true, it defies common sense. Something stinks somewhere.

Original poster
PeriodHome · 19/04/2025 23:48

He can't live full time in that place due to restrictions as it's a holiday property and distance from his work. He air b and b's it. It's basically a glorified shepherd's hut. No, his financial situation is not BS. It was high court and searchable online with references to the case. I have searched it up.

I'm not sure @Thewookiemustgo my thoughts exactly. She left earlier in the week and then returned at which point he left. It sounds terribly toxic and bad, the whole relationship. I also feel really guilty

OP posts:
TunipTheVegimal24 · 20/04/2025 00:08

PeriodHome · 19/04/2025 23:48

He can't live full time in that place due to restrictions as it's a holiday property and distance from his work. He air b and b's it. It's basically a glorified shepherd's hut. No, his financial situation is not BS. It was high court and searchable online with references to the case. I have searched it up.

I'm not sure @Thewookiemustgo my thoughts exactly. She left earlier in the week and then returned at which point he left. It sounds terribly toxic and bad, the whole relationship. I also feel really guilty

He might have been to court, but are the details of the findings given online? I'm not familiar with the process. If not, you've only got his version of events, as to what the ruling was. It does seem odd, that he isn't allowed to own property, but he can if it's an AirBnB? Again, not that I'm an expert on legal proceedings.

Either way, I wouldn't feel especially guilty. Certainly no guiltier because he's left her. Apparently he can't stand her. Either this is true, in which case he needed to leave her. Or else he was making it up about the relationship being "toxic", in which case she's much better off without him. I imagine if he wanted to cheat, he would have found someone to do so with. You might have been niave in listening to his sob story, but you're hardly a "homewrecker" or whatever - he wanted to have an affair, so he did.

springbringshope · 20/04/2025 06:22

So now he thinks there is a possibility of another woman looking after him he’s jumped ship in the hopes you’ll take him in.

All the men in the world and you’ve fallen for this specimen.

Raise your bar OP. He’s a very low example of a potential partner. I would have developed multiple icks by now.

springbringshope · 20/04/2025 06:25

I’ve just reread your OP. He’s 63! And you have a child.

what the hell are you thinking. Get away from him. He will suck you dry

Thewookiemustgo · 20/04/2025 11:26

I think the guilt only hits properly in affairs when it leaves the compartment it’s in and gets real, when it starts affecting other people.
Even though the affair is his responsibility, you were a willing part of his deception, but you’ve owned that and know it was wrong, so don’t beat yourself up now, do the right thing instead and leave him to sort out his own ugly mess.
What’s done is done now, so end it permanently , learn, move on and be proud that you stopped it and have distanced yourself from it. Find somebody single who appreciates you more than a comfy situation and puts you first.

Sodthesystem · 20/04/2025 14:11

Everyone makes mistakes. And it sounds like you've actually done his partner a favour if he finally left her. Hopefully she'll use this for a fresh start.

Original poster
PeriodHome · 21/04/2025 11:01

Well we've had the chat. She's known for quite a while that he's been seeing someone and she herself has had another relationship for a lot longer.

They are negotiating how to manage assets going forward and I've put a line under it.

I've said that the way he has handled things has left me with little faith in relationship and that I feel like I deserve better, I deserve consistency, stability and time.

I feel very sad but ultimately it is for the best.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 21/04/2025 11:21

He spins a helluva yarn ! Red flag guy

Original poster
PeriodHome · 21/04/2025 12:13

No it's true

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 21/04/2025 13:30

So did he move out only because she was in a relationship with someone else? Or did he move out because he wanted to be with you, he confessed his love for you & she asked him to leave. Its all a but unclear.

Celynfour · 21/04/2025 13:37

How do you know it’s true ? Because he says so ?

Calliecarpa · 21/04/2025 14:02

When you wrote 'we've had the chat' I assumed at first that you meant you've finally talked to the bloke's (ex-)partner as she now knows you exist, but I've realised that actually you just mean that you've talked to him again. I still don't understand why you believe every single thing he tells you as though it's 100% gospel truth and certified fact, even though you know now that he's hidden a lot of important stuff from you. How do you actually know that his partner has had a relationship with someone else for a long time, except that he's told you? How do you actually know that he and she had a dead bedroom and slept apart and never did anything together, except that he told you? In one of your early posts here, you confidently asserted that you knew this to be entirely true, but you never clarified how you knew it, except that he told you. I really don't get why you continue to assume that everything this guy tells you is certain fact.

Lifeislove · 21/04/2025 14:26

Calliecarpa · 21/04/2025 14:02

When you wrote 'we've had the chat' I assumed at first that you meant you've finally talked to the bloke's (ex-)partner as she now knows you exist, but I've realised that actually you just mean that you've talked to him again. I still don't understand why you believe every single thing he tells you as though it's 100% gospel truth and certified fact, even though you know now that he's hidden a lot of important stuff from you. How do you actually know that his partner has had a relationship with someone else for a long time, except that he's told you? How do you actually know that he and she had a dead bedroom and slept apart and never did anything together, except that he told you? In one of your early posts here, you confidently asserted that you knew this to be entirely true, but you never clarified how you knew it, except that he told you. I really don't get why you continue to assume that everything this guy tells you is certain fact.

This.
A man who cheats is a man that lies (and very very well usually) so to assume he only lies to the FT partner and is truthful about everything else is misguided unfortunately.

At some point he'll trip up though on a tiny detail. They always do eventually as the tangled web of lies becomes more and more, ummm, tangled.

I can't work out if you've suddenly ended it for good or just stepping back for a while? It's such a head F* I know, esp when you're crazy for them but as the limerance fades a bit we usually see things a little clearer, bit by bit. I wonder if that's where you are now?

Sodthesystem · 21/04/2025 14:38

I assumed you meant you'd talked to his ex.
If it's just him...then...really you've still no way of knowing what's fact and whats just elements of truth he's twisted to better suit him and his narrative.

I was going to say good on you for drawing a line under things with him but...you have haven't you? Your last post ended saying 'and time'. So I'm hoping that doesn't mean you're still considering him.