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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

398 replies

Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 01:47

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

OP posts:
Squigglesandgiggles · 01/04/2025 01:50

Block and delete

WearyAuldWumman · 01/04/2025 01:50

Block him.

If he cheated on his wife, he'll cheat on you. Moreover, any kind of age gap relationship is fraught with problems. You either finish up as a carer, a young widow or both.

MeAndMyGhost · 01/04/2025 01:53

Block and delete.

No good can come of this.

JaneBoulton · 01/04/2025 01:54

Ewwww both of you are grim

JaneBoulton · 01/04/2025 01:55

Why have you done 2 threads?

you were desperate for attention then and seem the same way now

Original poster
Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 02:00

JaneBoulton · 01/04/2025 01:55

Why have you done 2 threads?

you were desperate for attention then and seem the same way now

As I said at the start of this thread, I wanted to post more in detail about the situation for opinions. Thanks for yours

OP posts:
Mrspatmoresapprentice · 01/04/2025 02:01

My advice would be to never go near such a deceitful twat again. Men like this make my legs clamp shut. Block and delete.

coxesorangepippin · 01/04/2025 02:04

Block

MoonWoman69 · 01/04/2025 02:05

So he told you about his "previous" affairs? So what makes you think you're special to him, in that case? If he's done it before and he's done it with you, I'm sorry to shatter your rose tinted view, but you're just one in a long line!
The majority of men who indulge in affairs will say anything to get their end away!
If he was that unhappy in his marriage, he'd be separated. All he wants the best of both worlds!
I'd definitely be blocking him. He has a wife and children. Have some morals and self respect and leave well alone.

Squigglesandgiggles · 01/04/2025 02:06

It’s also made me feel very sorry for the wife that you have slept in her bed while she has been away. She will have got into bed the next night not knowing you were lay in her space, on her pillows. Where she has cradled her babies, lay with her husband etc. you should feel a very deep sense of shame for what you did, you say you feel guilt but I’m not buying it or you wouldn’t even be entertaining talking to this ‘man’ again.
if you do one good thing- tell the wife so she can hopefully move on and leave scum when it belongs.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/04/2025 02:07

He’s a piece of shit. Details irrelevant. Block.

HoppingPavlova · 01/04/2025 02:10

I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating

???? Why. Why would history repeat itself when you are now 25yo and not 19yo? Surely your brain has had the time to form the final connections - yes, it’s a thing, it occurs through to about 25yo in males and 23yo in females on average and is why young people can be somewhat excused for doing dumb things.

At 25yo, if you really believe you would make the same decisions in this scenario as you did at 19yo, you probably need some professional assistance via a decent psychologist.

MarkingBad · 01/04/2025 02:22

What is it about you that you are happy to accept crumbs off a married man?

OW/OM always think they are special and yet the spouse is the one with most of the time and attention. They go on the holidays, family and work events, they are not hidden away like the dirty secret the cheating spouse keeps them.

You were just an occaisional thrill he picked up and dropped when it suited him and you thought you were special because he told you lies like he was leaving his wife far in the future, he said he told you things he couldn't tell his wife etc (utter BS by the way to think she doesn't know those things) and he even told you that you are one in a line of affairs.

Why accept this really shitty treatment? He is blatantly lying to you out of the cheaters handbook of phrases to keep gullible people on the hook. Aren't you worth more than that?

This man isn't special, if he'd cared one jot for you he'd have left you alone in the first place and let you find someone who was free to love you properly. Instead he wasted 3 years of your life all as his own personal sex doll.

Sorry to be blunt but I honestly can't grasp the mindset that keeps people who have affairs with married people going back to accepting absolute crap.

I knew one woman who spent nearly 3 decades of her life hanging on for a married man. She gave up all her hopes of a family life, no holidays with him just grubby sex in cheap hotels in overnight stays while he and his wife lived a very nice life yachting, tennis clubs, month long holidays in really exotic places etc. Then his wife decided to divorce him for a variety of reasons and he chose to live with his other, more recent mistress (he had several of them it turned out) and ditched the first one, who'd waited and waited because she was convinced by his lies about her being anything more than a willing fuckbuddy.

Seriously let him go and get on with finding a decent single man who loves you because you deserve that, this married man already has that with his wife. You are worth way more than the treatment you got and will get from him.

juststrutting · 01/04/2025 02:29

Don’t be ridiculous. Block. Move on.

Original poster
Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 02:32

HoppingPavlova · 01/04/2025 02:10

I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating

???? Why. Why would history repeat itself when you are now 25yo and not 19yo? Surely your brain has had the time to form the final connections - yes, it’s a thing, it occurs through to about 25yo in males and 23yo in females on average and is why young people can be somewhat excused for doing dumb things.

At 25yo, if you really believe you would make the same decisions in this scenario as you did at 19yo, you probably need some professional assistance via a decent psychologist.

I’m fully aware now more than ever that it was a dumb decision all those years ago. I’ve never had the urge to text first. Although when I find myself out on a night out with a few drinks, I get the urge to reply as when I’ve had a drink I think of the excitement and the somewhat connection we had. I’d like to think I’ve matured enough as I’ve never ended up giving in. But I can’t lie, I’ve been close

OP posts:
Dita73 · 01/04/2025 02:41

What a stupid question

Greenfinch7 · 01/04/2025 02:45

Ewwww

Whatayear2023 · 01/04/2025 02:45

Sleeping over in the wife's home behind her back... absolutely disgusting... when you grow up and you are the wife and this happens to you just remember karma.
Are you really that much of a desperate "person" ... exciting you say... rest of us say disgusting

Elderflower14 · 01/04/2025 02:47

Tell him to take a running f... ng jump!!

Whatayear2023 · 01/04/2025 02:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Noodlie · 01/04/2025 02:54

You were happy to offer him no strings sex in the past. He’s trying to find out if you’ll do the same now. He is not offering anything new. You know he is a serial cheater and that will not have changed. Hopefully you are mature enough to feel revulsion and have higher standards for yourself though, since you are older now.

NewForestOldOak · 01/04/2025 02:56

Block, delete, find more self respect

MayaPinion · 01/04/2025 03:00

You’re 25. Don’t squander your youth and your beauty on a man who’ll be 50 in 5 years. This man is old enough to be your father. You’re just starting out in life. Think about what you’ll want in the next 5-10 years. If you want marriage and children find it with someone of your own generation who wants the same things you do. This man has already had his family. Block him and move on.

BlondiePortz · 01/04/2025 03:07

There is not one addtional detail or any thing anyone can possibly come up with to make this ok, Call my cyncical but I beleive you waiting for someone to reply that would give a hint of what you can hold onto to make you feel you have permission to go along with this

I am sure we can all imagine how you will feel if you read this thread back in 5 years but you want to go ahead with this and you will, nothing we will say will make any difference

Rainbowqueeen · 01/04/2025 03:17

Block and delete.

He's at a loose end. Thats why he's come back to you. It's nothing to do with any connection. He just wants an easy option.

Is that what you want? If it is then seek some therapy to unpack why you think that is all you think you are worth.