Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

[Thenighttimer]

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

Stay out of it. You're not his therapy animal. He's trying to use you again.

Waste any more time & emotion on him, op, and you'll miss the boat with the decent men around your age.

You already missed out on 2/3 years of fun, educational, equal, proper dating & relationships with men around your own age; instead sneaking around as the sidepiece of some married cheating 40 yr old father in an apparent clusterfuck of a marriage. A married cheating 40 yr old father who hits up teenagers. Totally normal; not.

Around your age is when people increasingly couple up, if they haven't already.

He'll be 70 when you are 50.

Have you seen what 99% of 70 year old men look like?
Are you aware of what many 70 yr old men's physical, sexual, mobility etc capabilities are?

I would get counselling to deal with the emotional "hangover"/hook the "relationship" with him at such a young age has left in you.

It's not healthy or to your benefit

You need to understand it, process it, recover and move on.

Not only is he a liar and a cheat…multiple on both counts, he is a major health risk.
He sleeps with anyone that will open her legs. You are not special…I know he can make you think you are but he’s had a lifetime to perfect the lies and to know what to say to manipulate.
I doubt his wife cheated. I think she might have found out he cheated, though maybe not the extent of it. He won’t let her go , either. Don’t for a second think he’s glad to be away from her, if he even is away, which might be another lie. He will be trying to win her back if apart, because she provides/ provided the home comforts and sex on tap and childcare that enables him to swan around getting his dick wet with anyone who stands still long enough, and he feels only contempt for his playthings .
I was married and also fell into dating another one of these creeps. I wasted too many years of my life thinking they were human beings with feelings like the rest of us. The idea that everything was a lie, was totally foreign. The manipulation, the brainwashing. I know them now like I know myself.
If you value your life, run

You only have one lifetime. If you choose to spend any more time letting him dominate your thoughts and mind, never mind body, you will live to regret the wasted time when you’re older and grow a few more brain cells. He can destroy your self esteem, and ruin your life.
It’s easy to fall into the trap. I blame no one for being conned at first.
But to carry on, going back after getting away, when those who have been there warn you of what it is, …well that’s on you and you will deserve whatever happens.

I'm not the poster you're replying to but I agree with her. The OP was a cognisant adult (unless there are learning difficulties that we are unaware of) she knew the man was a married man and she chose to have an affair with him. It's shitty behaviour. Along with the mans even shittier behaviour.

Oh for goodness sake op, I still can’t tell if you’re trolling. This is not more to the story this is the same story.

he’s either lying, or his marriage is actually currently falling apart and coincidentally he’s suddenly remembered you hurt his feelings 6 years ago so he wants to be friends. Get a grip and expect better for yourself.

You don't need anyone's approval to meet up with the lying cheating scumbag, it's your life. People have kindly given their opinion it's up to you now to set your standards

Agree with whoever you want.

I do not agree with you.

While people may be considered adult at 18 in this country; the fact is that there is a huge range within "adult". And a 19 yr old is at one side of that range.

It's patently obvious in every way.

You simply cannot blanket say "adult".

No-one could truly be that simple minded...... Which means they have an agenda - probably arising from their own issues - to want to believe it's as simple as that. Their views are therefore not reasonable or valid imho.

There was a twenty yr age gap between my husband and me. I loved him to bits, but the age gap definitely caused difficulties. (I first came across the expression "a nurse with a purse" on Mumsnet, and that's exactly what happens - when you're man's retired, you're the breadwinner. I feel guilty saying that, but it's the reality.)

Where there's an age gap, you don't have the experience of growing and maturing together, if that makes sense.

DH was a fit man, sporty, trained...but life caught up with him. The family heart trouble hit him and he eventually had a stroke.

I was his carer for the last years of his life and then left as a youngish widow. I really can't fathom how someone would cope with all that with a man who is (as is the case with the bloke who's getting in touch with OP) a scumbag.

This has to be a wind up.

there is no way surely this girl would ever consider getting back together with this older scumbag - as in ' I don't know what to do ' bollocks ! of course you know what to do...

I'm thinking it's perhaps you that has an agenda here...?

The OP was an adult at 19. There is nothing simple minded about it; what you're doing is trying to throw insults around as a preemptive insult to anyone who thinks about disagreeing with you. Presumably to try and put them off doing so. But it doesn't work, people are aware of what you are doing. And it's nonsense, it in fact makes you look simple minded to think anyone will fall for it. By the same token, surely no one could be that hard of thinking that they can't understand that an adult at the younger end of the adult spectrum is still an adult that knows right from wrong?

Agree with you. Yes she was young but come on, 19 is plenty old enough to know that fucking a man old enough to be her father in his own bed while his wife is out the house is a very shitty thing to do. This went on for 3 years - it’s not a silly youthful mistake

Obviously he’s absolutely a vile disgusting cheating scumbag but let’s not make excuses for young women choosing to facilitate this grubby behaviour.

Advice?

Obviously don’t go anywhere near. Fool.

Get back in touch with him if you still have feelings and see what he has to say about everything. Take care and hope it all works out for you

I suppose it depends how desperate you are. If you feel like you are in need of a hook up and want to give this man an ego rub - then do it.

I personally would not beleive what he has said about his wife 😂he has probably shagged several after you.....& if his wife has actually done the same thing , she most likely knows he has put it about & given him a taste of his own.

You might be well suited to each other ..... you sound similar.

There is absolutely nothing to say he is telling the truth.

There is research out that people who cheat once have a 49% chance of being a cheater again, if they cheat twice, it's higher and the more often they cheat the more likely it is that they will cheat again. There is also research to say less than 5% of men leave their long term partner for a lover so it's win win for cheaters.

Why would someone who cannot respect his partner enough to keep it in his trousers even if his wife was the same, be attractive to anyone, let alone a much younger person. Don't waste your life on a waster.

Seen your update. As I said before:
He has a gap in his schedule.
He's hoping you are still gullible enough to fill it.

His latest sob story.. my wife is also having an affair ( which makes it OK that he did and makes him the innocent victim) is just that. A story. His ending comment "be friends, for now" is trying to lure you in with the offer of friendship, but makes it clear he's offering now.

You wanted advice. Mine is ask yourself, how much have you learnt about what you want out of life since you were 19?

Don't let yourself be used again.

No, don’t see what he’s got to say. He is looking to jump straight back into bed with you. His pride had been wounded by his wife and if anything you would be a revenge shag. Just block and focus on yourself instead of getting embroiled as a third wheel in someone else’s marital breakdown.

What better way to try and get revenge on his wife, than to rekindle a relationship with a woman twenty years younger. How very dare she have an affair. Plus he gets the ego boost to go with it.

He's literally on the rebound.

Plus he clearly hasn't got any boundaries because he didn't take the hint at you blocking him. He didn't want to take your effective 'no' for an answer. So he's now resorting to trying to harass you to get a reaction. Massive red flags all over this.

I really hope you have continued to ignore and refuse to engage.

If his marriage is over then dragging you into the immediate mess is not a good place to be. If he's unhappy he would be better spent sorting his shit out, having some time on his own and then working out what he wants from life.

Immediately messaging his 'back up' woman because there's now a vacancy, has trouble written all over it.

I hope you have grown up and are wiser than you were at 19.

This is red flag bunting. You don't want to deal with the fall out from what inevitably will be a messy divorce. And then all the shit that goes on for years after. Find someone your own age who doesn't have any where near this much baggage. Be young and free from this nonsense.

On the rebound 😂😂😂
He is a liar. Everything he says has to be taken with a bucket of salt

But you’re right
Op, if not trolling, should stay well clear of this time waster

Soothed by a reliable vagina. That's an amazing sentence! Thank you

You do actually know already what you should do, or you wouldn't be asking. With respect love, - you may be in a lonely place just now, but you really don't need this looser - please have some self respect, block and move on. If your best friend / sister / brother was saying this to you - what would your reply be? Decide when NOT drinking......or go for it, and be back where you were....letting this POS cheat with you just when he wants to??? (And, chances are, you are not the only one in his 'little book' if its been 'a few years ago'...he even already told you he had cheated before...). You surely deserve better, and there are actually, really better men / people out there..... good luck & put yourself first, not some creep who just wants to use you for a bit,,,,or just have another quick bonk or two, and be asking the same in a few years ??xx