Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

[Thenighttimer]

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

He sounds like quite the catch.

There is a slim chance he is contacting you to let you know that he may have given you a sexually transmitted disease. No need to actually talk to him to find out. This is a legitimate use of blocking. Just take yourself in for a round of testing as a precaution as it never hurts.

This. I had a similar sort of thing when I was 17 with an older married man. Fortunately I came to my senses when I went to university and never saw him again. Focus on your own life and people more your own age, and bin this toxic creep.

Aren’t most young women hit on by older
married men? Know I was. Most of us have the wit (and the morals) to tell them to sod
off.

Find someone single

This.

So no personal growth in all that time OP?

Block.

Delete.

Get therapy.

And get some fucking self respect.

You and the married cheating vile man are both SKANKS.

Advice? Did you REALLY think you'd get any kind of advice that said, "Hey! Just do it!"?

I think you are old enough to know that no one, even if someone has been through it, is going to tell you what you seem to want to hear.

You were joyous "sharing" all the details of this romance that was never a romance. You were an easy score for him, and he knew exactly what to say and how to behave because you were not the first OW, or even the fifth, and now, he would like you to be his what? Twelfth? Twentieth?
He's older and going through his 11th midlife crisis and by now, other women are going "ick" at the thought of him. So, he trots back to you, because he knows you're easy pickin's. You can be his carer and probably support him in his old age that is creeping up. Perhaps you deserve each other.

I can only hope his DW got wise to his disgusting behavior and sent him packing and to the cleaners.

Don’t be so naive, of course he didn’t think that. He was lying. And you know that, because you have no expectation that he has left his wife.

For me the defect you seem most oblivious to is his hypocrisy. Here we have a married man, acting offended at the thought of you going out on a Saturday. What a devastating loss of the years between 19 and 22. The absolute best years.

That level of hypocrisy would have me laughing in his face.

I think the phrase Daddy Issues is so ghastly, it’s just negging so that you will think you only deserve crap relationships.
Tell us the process by which you have ended up thinking that a decent relationship is something not for you?

You should get back together. You deserve each other.

a teenager having an affair with a much older man, plus “daddy issues”, ewww this sounds like it was written by the much older man 🤢

Get some self respect

I hope OP settles down with the love of her life, spends years with him only to
find he’s been fucking someone a lot younger most of the time, in her bed. OP, you’re both vile, 19’s old enough to know better and you’re clearly excited he’s back in touch and want to discuss it anonymously on here, no doubt for fear of being rightly judged IRL

You deserve to be cheated on when you’re settled down, no kids deserve their parents to split up and I wouldn’t wish it on them, but you absolutely deserve the heartbreak of being in the same situation as this man’s poor wife, regardless if he cheated on her before. You admitted you were a more than willing participant. Grim

Keep away.
30 years ago (ish) I was you. Although I didn't know he was married, he lied about that, but at 21 I had a 1.5 year relationship with someone I was besotted with. Thought he felt the same. 17 years older than me, had kids. I knew he had been married but he lied that he was divorced.

I got pregnant, he was an absolute shit and I was left a single parent.
Never regret having my daughter, she is my world but I discovered his true colours. What I found out gave me a breakdown to the extent I still need therapy every few years!

You're probably just a young bit of fun. The men who chase younger women when married are invariably emotionally backward losers

You reply "Hi Philanderer, now I'm older I see you for the needy attention seeking twat with double standards that you really are. Piss off". Then block.

It was exciting for me, as it would be when you’re 19 and have someone older paying you attention.

But why? Why would you feel excited or special? He’s 20 years older. A 14 year old might feel excited that a 17 year old views her as sexually attractive and therefore ‘grown up’ (still 🤮 in my book) but were you really flattered an almost 40 year old showed some interest? Of course he did - to you and anyone else with a vagina who wasn’t his wife. Your age was better for him
bc you’d have been ‘fresher’ 🤢, more easily manipulated due to lack of life experience and more easy to impress and believe his bullshit than more sensible women closer to his own age.

I’ll never understand why young women see the attentions of letcherous old pervs as a compliment

Autocorrect added a random word 🤷🏼‍♀️

You were easy then, and gullible to believe the loveless marriage thing. He wants to find out if you’re still easy.

Wtf as if you would say "loose flaps"?! This says everything about you and not the OP. What a disgusting, misogynistic remark to make! The OP doesn't come out of this smelling of roses but she was 19 ffs!

Ew. His poor wife. Whilst you found the affair exciting his poor wifes entire world would be destroyed if she found out . I can't believe you are even considering this and the casual way in which you talk about this situation as being some great love story is disgusting. Good luck on getting the advice you want to hear because you know very well what you need to do .

You were 19 and stupid the first time. Pretty much still the brain of a child, so he preyed on that in the way paedos do.

now you’re older, just get a grip. There are far better options out there for you than a nasty, desperate, middle aged, deceitful waste of human tissue who will end up treating you like shit leave you feeling as worthless as one of his wanked in socks.

Are you that desperate that you’d go with a man 25 years older … really, my advise get some self respect, because clearly you’ve got none and crack on with your life, one day you’ll want a relationship, kids etc why are you wasting your time on someone, who clearly told you lies and used you , because that’s what he did, if he really wanted to , he’d have left his wife for you, you were just a dirty little secret and you need to realise that.

The best thing you can do is to block and delete him. What’s in the past is done, you can’t change it. You do have control over what you do next. Do what’s best for you and cut contact. He is bad news.

It's a booty call. His current bit on the side has let him down so he's coming running to you. And probably a couple of others too. One of you will be dumb enough to shag him.

My opinion is that you're acting really stupid.

Maybe others think you are trolling because it seems unbelievable that anyone could be that thick.

Harsh I know - but you did ask

He manipulated and exploited you. He’s bad news. Block him.