Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

[Thenighttimer]

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

When you are 40s your will look back on this and realise what a fool you have been .
He has told you everything every man says to justify an affair. All the normal rubbish.
Not to mention a 39 year old with a 19 year old is seriously creepy.
Stop being stupid and avoid this awful man with the morals of a rat .

Ugh. You need to do some proper work on your self esteem if you’re even considering responding.

You can claim youth as an excuse for your crappy actions last time, but this time it’s all on you.

First post nails it.

After six years ?

You're now 25. Hopefully you've matured and got some morals. Delete and block him.

99% he was dumped by another young lady and remembered you like a second choice. You'll understand how stupid it was when you will be married with kids.

You were never special to him. He used you for free sexual services and now his current mistress must have had enough of him so he's calling you. You're not in a romantic film where he will propose to you (even if he did he would cheat on you) but rather in a crappy porn movie. He's grim. You're young and naïve but now old enough to know better. Go to therapy and deal with your daddy issues rather than let yourself be exploited like this.

Hey - thanks for sharing - you've identified that you have daddy issues - I would recommend resolving those. If you have had to keep him at arms length then that was for good reason. Unless you genuinely believe there is a future with this man then there's no point wasting your own time for the sake of excitement - you won't be in your 20s forever

He's not nice, but I don't think you are either.
Spend the time not phoning him learning about the joy of capital letters at the start of a paragraph.

I would say don't do it because the excitement is gone now ; 6 years have passed and he is not the same man you were and you are not the same women you were either. He sounds pathetic and I think you yourself can move on surely before it becomes an old affair, sad and pathetic where you will not accomplish anything new whatsoever. If you want to have affairs with married men - it is a freedom you have - then move on from him.

You’re 25 years old and a sleazy 45 year old cheat gets back in touch with you again for another shag basically. What do you do? You block the disgusting creep on every platform, then start working on your self esteem so the previous scenario can never happen again. You’re a young woman, why do you think this lying middle aged serial cheat is the best you can do?

Did you leave a ring at his house in the hope of his wife finding it?

This.

He was punching before.

He's punching way more now.
He's old enough to be your Dad and middle aged.

You're only 25. You can meet your own - not second hand - man for a relationship and kids.

Even if he leaves his wife, he's washed up - 50% of his money, assets, pension will probably go to her. He's got kids to pay for until they're 18/21, and even after that; decent parents never really stop paying. Uni fees, masters fees, car help, deposit help,, crises etc etc.

That's all money taken away from you and any kids you had with him. That won't be the case if you have a household and kids with a man who hasn't had kids before. Who hasn't split half his earnings and assets with an ex wife.

Also you'd have to be a step parent to kids who'll probably resent you. That's not pleasant.

He's a shit deal

You'd be doing yourself down to get with him.

A couple of other points - he's a proven, repeated cheater .... You may have the advantage in age and he may have been "into you" but how long will that last when he actually has you. And you're not exciting and illicit and the "stolen moments" person anymore.
Maybe he'll be too old to cheat more, or maybe he won't.
(He's got plenty of experience at getting cheating partners, right).

Maybe investing your life and eventually kids in a not proven cheater would be a better idea (?)

Other thing; don't tell a potential boyfriend/partner about your affair or your thoughts about this man. That would not encourage most men to get serious about you. Quite the opposite. You were a teenager with a teenage brain back then, you've matured a bit now. Put it in the past and don't be so silly again.

Men his age pay through the nose to shag "escorts" your age, You were giving that for free, for some attention and flattery.

And he was controlling/trying to control you meeting anyone else - while having two women himself!

Nah; you can get your own man, you're worth that - one who's not washed up, old, hasn't got a load of baggage, hasn't done all the firsts with someone else - marriage, house, kids, and who cheated repeatedly on the person he did them with.

You can do better.
If you're not meeting men, you need to expand your hobbies, activities, social life and keep doing it until you meet someone. Think about the type of guy you'd like to meet and what they'd be doing/where they'd be going.

You are at the youthful prime of your life, with some people still single - you can do better for yourself.

You’re as awful as he is so I say the two of you deserve each other and what’s coming to you both.

The age gap between you and the older man is a similar age gap between me and my dad. I had men that age try to flirt with me when I was a teen and I was disgusted. I don’t understand why you think it’s exciting. He just wants some dumb, naive girl who won’t question him.

My advice is find some self respect and dignity, grow the fuck up, don’t believe tge oldest lie in the book and stop being morally bankrupt.

Having sex in another woman’s marital bed is just about as scummy as it gets. It’s repulsive.

He’s a vile disgusting grim serial shagging morally repugnant cunt - is that all you think you’re worth!

I had a similar situation to you although the guy was only ten years older than me, he recently requested to follow me on Instagram (and it's been 9 years since I've spoken to him) and I simply declined his follow request and thought no more of it.
That's a time in my life that I regret hugely, he's still with his wife and to my knowledge she doesn't know about me or the countless other girls, whether he still does it I don't know. But I hope she's happy and I wish I had more sense when I was young.

Why do you even care?

Surely your own life has moved on? You have matured, your self esteem has grown and you have established standards for yourself and would not need to be told by randoms om the internet that this guy is quite obviously a scumbag?

Is he still married. Why's he come back to you?

You can guarantee whatever those answers are that he'll do it to you. He's got a habit - cheating - and he gets high from it.

If you value yourself move right along before you end up in the boat as his wife. That was shitty behaviour from both of you.

'I’d like to think I’ve matured enough as I’ve never ended up giving in. But I can’t lie, I’ve been close'

Well of course you'll reply. People who have flings with married men don't mature, they enjoy the thrill of it. You don't need to bother about the hum drum day to day crap of relationships you get all the excitement with the sneaking around.

I'd try therapy and explore the reasons why you have such poor self esteem that contacting a proven liar is even a possibility. Good luck .

No good will come of it I’m sure, ignore and meet somebody that don’t cheat on wife’s

Block hm. You sound like an attention seeker and obviously have low morals. Most likely he was still shagging his wife and other woman behind your back so you weren’t special, just seen as easy pickings.

Absolute scum...both of you

He may well now be single because his wife discovered that her normal happy marriage wasn’t quite what she thought it was. Men lie, a lot.

So, how do you fancy becoming a step mum, have your own child with a liar and then become the boring wife to a man who’ll soon find another young woman who finds old men’s advances exciting?

just make sure you don’t ever go away for a night if you want to know who’s sleeping in your bed.

His marriage is loveless because he’s putting the effort in elsewhere.