Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

[Thenighttimer]

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

Reply with Not interested and block.

What could you possibly need advice on? Ignore him. Get some self respect. He doesn’t give a shit about you.

I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t just ignore and ideally block and delete

what good can be had from having this man in your life?

Why would you want anything to do with a man you know cheated on his wife with a 19 year old? Actually you probably deserve each other. Horrid.

What did his message say?

I think you've already decided what you are going to do. Enough people have told you it's a bad idea but you'll find a way to justify it.

He loves you, OP, and he's only stayed with his wife for the child. The second child they had was a virgin birth. He really has kept your ring in his wallet and didn't give it to another twinkie. He was jealous of the thought of you being with other men because he cared so much, not because he was projecting his own cheating (on you as well as his wife)

Lots of 19 year olds are naive and selfish. He's lucky to have found a 25 year old who hasn't matured in the intervening 6 years.

So your post is,
’I am thinking of getting back together with the middle aged serial cheat who has a thing for teenagers and has such contempt for the mother of his children, that he has sex with other women in her bed’.

This is a truly horrible, manipulative man.

What do you think the answer is? Because if you are thinking of this, you have not matured in the way you believe you have.

It sounds like he played you for a fool tbh. He gave you the standard line about being in an unhappy marriage, staying together for the kids etc. which you appear to have bought. He stroked your ego and let you think you had the upper hand, he was "obsessed" and that you (a literal teenager) were in control, but in reality he had cultivated a nice little situation where this 19 year old would come over and have sex with him whenever he wanted.

Sounds like he fancies some no-strings, no effort, sex on the side again and he's getting in touch with women he thinks might provide that. You're 25 now so hopefully more savvy and mature. Don't fall for it again.

What else did you imagine he was going to tell you about his marriage? It’s quite literally page one of the shagger’s handbook. I can guarantee his poor oblivious wife would have told you a very different story about their relationship, and my arse was she ‘possibly seeing someone else’. It’s all smoke and mirrors to make him look less of a callous cunt who’ll say anything to get his dick wet.

To paint this conniving serial cheat as somehow the last of the great romantics and you as the muse he was obsessed with is laughable - but it’s worrying you still don’t seem to see it that way. He’s sniffing around again for free fucks, not hankering after the lost love of his life.

I’m another one who’s not sure why you’ve posted other than for permission to go ahead, which you won’t find here, or attention, which suggests you’ve not matured at all in 6 years.

Why would you make such a shitty passive aggressive remark? What the hell is wrong with you?

No lies on @glittereyelash comment tho

OP wants the thrill of fucking a married man so that she can feel she’s so irresistible not even a married middle aged man can keep his hands off. That’s all it is.

Your behaviour was disgusting. His was even more disgusting. If you were a half decent person you would feel deep shame for what you did to that poor wife. The advice? Tell the wife so the poor woman can move onto someone decent. Then block his number and find someone of your own.

Ignore him obviously. Men always circle the drain and come back.

The 6 yrs has probably taken him from "attractive enough to pull women of all ages", to "not attractive enough to pull many women/younger women".

Things are slow for him so he's revisiting old hunting grounds - and affairs that didn't end very bitterly/angrily - to see if he has any opportunities.

I once had an affair with a married man (he was 37 year old) when I was also 19. (I’m also autistic and was very naive and trusting and young for my age). I believed everything he said to me back then. How him and his wife didn’t love each other. They slept in separate beds. He just couldn’t leave yet while the kids were young. He used to tell me no one would ever love me like he did. Which I thought was so sweet and showed how much he loved me. But actually I realise now how controlling and horrible it was. Almost like saying no one else would ever love me so I needed to stay with him as I wouldn’t find anyone else. I had serious confidence issues when younger (severe bullying throughout school including calling me ugly etc) so as soon as he showed an interest I was caught up in it all. He knew exactly what to say to me.

After we broke up it took a few years to realise what he had done and how stupid I had been. He also tried to get back with me a few years later and I blocked him and told him to fuck off. He has tried contacting me in various ways over the years and I just block him on each format. He’s divorced now it seems which is good.

At 40+ now I am disgusted in myself for falling for all the lies. I can’t believe how stupid I was. How could I truly think he meant it? This was the days before the internet was like it is now so I didn’t have these sort of sites to read to see what cheating married men say. I thought it was all true.

If it makes people feel better though karma got me. I’m infertile and can’t have a family of my own. But I’m sure most people think I deserve that and they’re probably right quite honestly.

The fact you're only 25 oozes from your post. Listen, from a mature 55 year old, who has her shit together, I can tell you, I've seen this scenario play out a million times.

Firstly, you were never in control, he was.

Secondly, he's only back in touch because his latest affair has gone tits up, and he figures it'll be quicker to get into your pants, than starting from scratch with a stranger.

Thirdly, he's never told you anything he hasn't told his wife.

Fourthly, he still very much shags his wife.

Fifthly, he's never going to leave his wife and child. Ever.

Honestly, you are so naive. And you've learned nothing in the last 6 years. My eyes couldn't roll back far enough in my head, as I read your ramblings.

For your sake, I hope you look back on this one day with utter shame. Otherwise I feel very sorry for you.

As for him. Bloody hell, a 45 year old that still hasn't got his act together. Urgh, what a turn off.

Pretty much all married cheaters tell their other women that they're soul mates.

They partly do feel that way - because an other woman is very new, exciting, "special" etc ...... for a while.

But they also use it as a line/narrative on other women ... because it works.

If you were really his soulmate, however; he'd have left for you.

The kids - he could have moved out, set himself up a place and seen his kids 50-50. Done his utmost to be a good, involved, loving, responsible parent. It's hard and it's not ideal but people end marriages every day of the week. Nearly 50% of them end in the UK.
The kids are an excuse.

Instead of leaving for you, he let you go, risked you getting into a relationship with someone else, and just touches base/tries to tug on the fishing line to see if he's got a chance at involvement/sex every now and then.

That's not the behaviour of a soul mate.

you slept over at his house? he tells you things he never even told his wife? and yet he's also told you about his multiple affairs?

Do you not feel utterly filthy with it all? Why are you even contemplating going back there if you've now grown up and can see the signs?

His wife has probably finally kicked him out and he's looking for his next shag/victim/empty bed

The only reason your behaviour was vaguely excusable last time is because it just about falls into the 'young and naïve' enough to fall for a cynical old perv's flattery category. Only just, mind. You were an adult and say you enjoyed him playing you off against his wife. You wouldn't now if you did it again. Now you'd just be a bog standard cheat (he's probably still married).

He isn't back because he can't forget you, he's back because he thinks you may entertain him as you did last time when others didn't and now still won't.

Ignore, move on and grow from last time. We can't be our scrappy 19 year old selves forever (even the ones who considered themselves well behaved and respectable had a huge amount of learning to do).

Exactly what I was going to say.

He's a filthy old married man who was happy to fuck an actual teenager behind his wife's back.

The only thing you should be wondering is if you should be telling his wife.

That feeling of excitement that you had is just a childish love of attention. Uuuggg so grim. Grow up.

Advice?

Find some self respect.

Although when I find myself out on a night out with a few drinks, I get the urge to reply as when I’ve had a drink I think of the excitement and the somewhat connection we had. I’d like to think I’ve matured enough as I’ve never ended up giving in. But I can’t lie, I’ve been close

If the issue is that alcohol causes you to have the potential to make irrational/immature/bad decisions, then that seems very easily fixed.

If you are having these thought processes without alcohol, and I presume you weren’t three sheets gone when initially posting, then I’m confounded. If it’s an excitement/thrill factor then you are not alone, however mature people seek out appropriate avenues to address this and go bungee jumping or paragliding etc. I have a friend who goes to a racetrack every few weeks when it’s open for public booking. There are suitable cars there you can use and they whizz around at high speed for a while to get their thrill fix. What mature, sensible people don’t do is have affairs to address such a thing if it’s a true need.

You actually must be very dense if you genuinely don't know what to do and are having to ask for advice.

How can you really not know what to do?